Mortal Fear (20 page)

Look, I cant explain what made Erin so unique. What I said before about exploration, crossing thresholds... even that fails with her. I doubt theres any erotic space shes never been.
Except
maybe pure love. But her sexual presence, her magnetism... Jesus. Bottomless eyes, scalloped collarbones, small dark-nippled breasts that made a mockery of all the surgically enhanced architecture I saw every day at the Board of Trade. I think she realized I was being overcome by her beauty for the first time, and she was determined to give me access to all of it. She must have seen a lot of men get lost in her like that, but I could tell this meant more to her.

For more reasons than you could imagine, Cole.

The first time we made love in the bed, she came about ten seconds before I did. Then she cradled my face in her hands andI still remember what she said.

Lenz turns to me, his eyes tiny points of light. I love you?

No. She said, Its so easy, isnt it? And then she smiled when I emptied into her. A Mona Lisa smile. No other way to describe it. Like she knew all the secrets of creation.

How long did she stay in Chicago?

Four days. We hardly left the apartment. The most she ever wore was one of my shirts. She watched movies without comment, unless laughter or tears is comment. Once we saw an eyeliner commercial that had used her eyes. I never once looked up to find her watching me. Yet when I caught myself staring at her, she would turn to me with a half smile that told me she knew I was watching. It was like living with a wild creature. She never once put on a spot of makeup. She seemed to stay perpetually wet. I mean she
never
got

She was a fantasy lover, Lenz says softly.

No. She was real.

I meant in the sense that the erotic activity was directed toward your satisfaction rather than hers.

I consider this for a few moments. I dont think thats true. She got her share of surprises as well.

The car seat groans slightly as Lenz repositions himself. What do you mean?

Sometimesat the moment of orgasmshe passed out. I mean
out
. We werent drinking at all, but she would literally lose consciousness. It only happened three times, but the first time I was actually dialing nine-one-one when she woke up.

Lenz chuckles softly. Your reaction isnt unique.

It happened to you?

Alas, no. Ive never seen it personally.
Le petite mort
.

Does that mean little death?

The
little death. Yes. Its a phrase from French poetry.

Thats what Erin said. She told me it had never happened to her before, but I didnt believe her. I mean, how would she have known about it otherwise? Shes not the type to read French poetry.

Lenz makes a noncommittal sound. In her circle she might have heard it described. Did you enjoy
le petite mort
after that first time?

Im not sure. But I saw how right the expression was. At the moment of greatest intensity, when her chest was mottled red and her face flushed, she just snapped right out of the world. The last time, when she came out of it, she told me that shed felt pure peace, one of the only times shed felt it in her life. As if she had just been spit out of the womb, whole and new. And

Yes?

She said she thought being dead might not be a bad thing. She was serious. Later she even talked about her funeral, how she wanted it to be. There was this song of mine shed heard on a tape I made for Drewe. Shed dubbed a copy for herself. Its called All I Want Is
Everything. She said it was about her and that she wanted me to play it at her funeral.

What did you say?

I said sure and changed the subject.

Lenz purses his lips and cuts across two lanes of traffic. The lights of suburbia are almost continuous now, so we must be getting somewhere.

How long did this erotic interlude last? he asks.

Drewe called on the fourth night.

Ah.

Erin was lying beside me in the bed. In the time it took Drewe to explain that she was calling from the hospital and that a patient she was close to had just died, Erin became her sister again. Not some ethereal beingDrewes little sister.

Shed risen up and was mouthing
Is that Drewe?
while Drewe said something about a pulmonary embolism. I dont remember what I said to get off the phone, but I knew I had failed Drewe in a time of emotional crisis. What I do remember clearly is what Erin said the moment I hung up.

What? Lenz asks.

How are we going to tell her? I wasnt sure Id heard right, so I asked what she meant. She leaned back against the headboard, exposing those perfect breasts, but for once I wasnt looking at her body. She said, How are we going to tell Drewe about
us
?

I was in shock. I climbed out of bed and said something like, Jesus, where did this come from? Where? she asked me. What have we been doing the last four days? Shaking hands?

Before I could answer, she said, Fucking? Then she jerked up the covers and let me have it. I thought you were different. I thought you understood some things. About women. About
me
. What do you think I came out to the frozen wastes of Chicago for? Sport sex? I can get all of that I want anywhere on the planet, thank you very much. And so on.

I was more stunned by the pain in her voice than by her venom. I thought shed come out because she was at a place in her life where she needed a friend. After hearing
how dumb that sounded, I said, What
did
you come out here for? She let the covers fall, stood up naked on my hardwood floor, and said, To marry you, you asshole.

How unfortunate, says Lenz, as if commenting on some distant village destroyed by a typhoon. With a smooth motion he exits from the interstate and turns into a broad avenue. So, you had an affair with your wifes sister while you were engaged.

We werent engaged. Not technically.

Youre splitting hairs. You had committed yourself to Drewe.

Yes.

But she never learned of the affair?

No.

Lenz shrugs. Im missing something. This betrayal weighs heavily upon you? On a daily basis?

Oh, youre definitely missing something. That night, Erin left Chicago. Two months later I heard she had married a guy named Patrick Graham. Hes an oncologist now, but he went to high school with the rest of us. Everybody knew Patrick had been in love with Erin since we were kids. And by a seeming miracle, his dream girl had suddenly decided she loved him. Erin lost no time getting pregnant and plunging into a domesticity that would shame Martha Stewart. A few months later, I left Chicago and married Drewe. We werent sure where we wanted to settle, so we moved into my parents farmhouse in Rain. They were dead by then.

Quite a detail to omit.

Nothing Oedipal about it. Anyway, Drewe and I still live in Rain, while Erin and Patrick and Holly, their daughter, live in Jackson. Thats the state capital, seventy miles away. We see them a good bit, usually at Drewe and Erins folks place in Yazoo City.

Did you resume your affair with Erin?

God, no. I felt queasy from guilt whenever she was around. She seemed stable, but I knew she was capable of anything under stress. I thought she might even blurt out the truth one day in an argument with Drewe or Patrick, just for spite.

Did she?

No. But if Id known the real truth, I wouldnt have been afraid of that. You see, her childHollyis my daughter.

For once Lenz has no comment. He rubs his chin for a few moments, takes a deep drag on his cigarette, and blows out the smoke. That is a serious problem.

Try catastrophic.

How long have you known this?

Three months.

Does Patrick know the child is yours?

No.

Does he know the child is not his?

Yes. Erin told him she was pregnant before she agreed to marry him. But she made him promise never to ask who the father was. Patrick was so blinded by love that he agreed.

Lenz makes another turn, this time onto a wooded two-lane road. But as time passed, the question began to prey upon his mind.

Thats my guess. Who knows what their problems are? With Erin it could be anything.

And for the last three months, youve lived in terror that their imploding marriage will spit your dark secret up into the light.

You got it.

He shakes his head. Im surprised you havent developed hives.

Im having some pretty bad headaches. Drewe wants a baby, and she doesnt understand why I dont.

You dont want a child by your wife?

Of course I do. But... I feel like taking that step while this other situation is unresolved would be the worst betrayal of all.

How so?

Well, youre married, right?

I have a wife and a son. But you dont want to extrapolate from my marital relationship.

Youll know what I mean, though. You know how when you first get married, even though youre totally in love, theres still this tacit sense that if you both decided it was a horrible mistake, you could just shake hands and
walk away? I know that sounds shallow, but my wife is as old-fashioned as they come, and I know she feels this too. Having that first child is the final step, you know?
Thats
the true marriage. Its irrevocable. The two of you can never be truly separate again. Youre joined in the flesh.

To wit, Erin and yourself.

Jesus, dont even talk about it like that.

But this is why Drewe so passionately wants to have your child. Shes an intelligent woman. She senses a formless but disturbing threat. She knows a child will bind the two of you against that.

I dont think she senses the threat. Well, maybe, but not from Erin. No way. Im sure of that.

I think you would be making a mistake to underestimate your wife in any way.

Hey, I know that better than anybody.

Lenz looks lost in thought.

Any great insights, Doctor?

Well... unlike many psychiatric patients, you have a real problem. In the physical sense, I mean. That child is a living symbol of a secret relationship. You love the child, Im sure. And the mother must
must
sometimes look at you and wish that you were the man raising her. In my opinion, the truth will eventually come out, regardless of what you do. You can choose the time, thats all.

Lenz states his opinion with the conviction of an oracle, and the catharsis Id begun to feel with the act of confession dissipates like smoke in a wind.

Let me change the subject for a moment, he says. Would you answer one question about Miles Turner?

It sounds like he answered enough about me.

When I asked him the worst thing he had ever done, he refused to answer. But he did say he would tell me the worst thing that ever happened to him. He said he once spent sixty seconds face-to-face with a pit viper.

I feel the skin on the back of my neck prickle.

Thats all he would say, Lenz adds. Can you supply any details?

That old drug charge wasnt enough to make him tell you?

Lenz looks genuinely surprised. Is that what he told you?

That you coerced him? Yeah. You didnt?

I did. But not with a drug charge. It was assault and battery.

I feel the nausea of a sudden descent. Assault?

Yes. Ive reviewed the case file, but the details are sketchy. It happened outside a gay bar in Manhattan. Two men verbally abused a friend of Mr. Turnersa homosexual friendand Turner abused back. The sequence of events is unclear after that, but the upshot is that both men were beaten severely by Mr. Turner. He apparently has some martial arts training.

My anger at Miles for talking about me is vanquished by a question that has badgered me for a long time. Doctor, do you think Miles is gay?

Lenz smiles with bright irony. Doctor-patient privilege, Cole. However, theres no legal stricture keeping you from telling me what you know.

I start to refuse, but if Miles didnt want me to talk about it, why did he mention it to Lenz at all?

We were kids, I say. Eleven or twelve. Best friends. Miles didnt have many. He was hard to like. Some of the older guys actually hated him. He was twice as smart as they were, and he didnt mind making them look like idiots in school. It was summer. The two of us were hunting for arrowheads on a little Indian mound out in a cotton field. Some kids had built a fort in a stand of trees on the mound. It was just a hole in the ground, with a foot-high wall of logs around it and a scrap-tin roof laid over. The hole stayed full of water most of the time. We were looking at the fort when four older kids came screaming up to us on their bikes. They started teasing us, especially Miles. Miles made a smartass remark, and that was it. They hit him a few times. Then the ringleader said he was going to teach Miles a lesson. He said there were water moccasins nesting in the fort, and unless Miles swore by his no-good daddy that he loved sucking nigger dicks, he was going into that hole. Miles was scared to death, but he wouldnt say what they wanted. I think it was the part about his father that got him, not sucking
dicks. Finally, they forced him kicking and screaming through the little entrance to the fort. I heard a splash, then nothing. The guy said if Miles came out before dark theyd break his arm.