More Than You Know (2 page)

P
ART
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—Psalm 139:16

1

B
eryl Graham pulled on her North Face jacket and ran her fingers through her short dark hair as she walked around her pepper white Mini Cooper to open the passenger door for Flannery. The soulful old bulldog looked up at her and then eyed the distance to the ground warily. “C’mon, Flan-O, it’s not that far. You can do it,” she urged. The stout, short-legged dog edged cautiously to the door and tentatively reached her paw out over the gaping precipice before shaking her sloppy jowls and backing away. “It’s not the Grand Canyon, you know!” Beryl teased affectionately, noticing that drool was now splattered across her dashboard. The homely face gazed at her forlornly and she couldn’t help but laugh. “I know, I know, someday I’ll be old and need help, too . . . although, honestly, I think I’d rather leave this earth before I need help!” She reached around Flannery’s barrel-shaped belly, scooped her up, and set her gently on the ground. Without looking back, the compact canine waddled off, sniffing the new dandelions sprouting up everywhere across her old stomping grounds.

Beryl watched her go and shook her head. She opened the trunk, pulled out two threadbare green bags, bulging with groceries, slung one over each shoulder, and then wedged the bag of Macintosh apples into the cardboard box from the package store. She hoped she’d remembered everything: two bottles of Toasted Head chardonnay for Isak, “and a Barefoot Pinot for good meshah,” she murmured, mimicking her oldest sister’s New England accent, and a bottle of Rex Goliath for Rumer. “The one with the roostah on it,” Rumer had said, trying to trigger Beryl’s memory; but when Beryl had stood in front of the red wines, she couldn’t remember if Rumer had said Merlot or cabernet, so she’d finally decided on Free Range Red, knowing her organically minded middle sister would appreciate that the “roostah” had been allowed to wander.

Beryl hitched the box up into her arms, reached into the corner of the trunk for the small paper bag of beeswax candles and a fresh tin of English breakfast tea leaves, and tried to balance everything on her knee while she closed the trunk. “Not happening,” she muttered. It didn’t matter, she wasn’t staying long. She just had to drop off the groceries, get Flan settled, and then head to Logan to pick up Rumer. She looked up at the old farmhouse full of memories. Its peeling white paint glowed in the melancholy light of late-afternoon sun, and its windows reflected the bright flames that were streaking across the azure sky. It looked as if an artist had dipped his brush in orangey pink water and swept it across the scene, washing it in the translucent warm hues of day’s end, and then splashed bright, fiery orange on the windows. Beryl could almost hear her mom’s soft, unassuming voice quoting one of her favorite writers: “The setting sun is reflected from the windows of the almshouse as brightly as from the rich man’s abode.” Beryl smiled, remembering how much Mia had loved Thoreau—she even named her cat after him—and then her smile dissolved, remembering that she’d forgotten to feed the famous author’s namesake who, after thirteen years, still presided over Mia’s tea shop. Oh, well, poor Thoreau would just have to wait.

“Stay around, Flan-O,” she called over her shoulder. The pudgy dog nosed around under the tire swing that hung from a majestic, old oak tree but didn’t look up. “No deer poop!” she warned, but Flan didn’t hear—or else chose to ignore her—because she suddenly began to gulp down the new delicacy she’d found. “Okay, if you must. But please don’t roll in it!” As if on cue, Flannery fell on her fat side and began wriggling around in the tall grass. Beryl shook her head and looked up to heaven. “Mum,” she implored, “could you please get your dog to behave?”

She set the box on one of the Adirondack chairs on the front porch and fished around in her pocket for the key. Finally, she pulled the entire contents out of her pocket and realized, in alarm, that she was still carrying around her mom’s wedding rings. She slipped them on her finger, found the key, unlocked the door, picked up the box, and went inside. Setting everything on the old Formica table in the kitchen, she took off her jacket, threw it over a chair, and opened the fridge. When the light didn’t come on, she had a sinking feeling the power was out; then she remembered that she’d unplugged it after she’d helped her mom move into the nursing home.

 

Mia had just turned sixty-six when Beryl began to suspect that something was wrong. Initially, she told herself that her mom was just getting forgetful—perfectly normal for someone her age. But when she started having trouble remembering the names of people she’d known all her life and forgetting to take inventory and place orders—tasks that were necessary to keep her tea shop running smoothly—Beryl began to wonder if it was something more. She and her sisters had grown up working beside their mom at her shop, Tranquility in a Teapot, and at first, she tried reminding her mom what tasks needed to be done, but when that didn’t seem to help, she just started doing the chores herself. She also began paying closer attention when Mia was helping customers and soon realized she was having trouble recalling where items were stocked on the shelves. It’s so unlike her, she’d thought, Mum knows this shop inside out. But it wasn’t until Beryl stopped by the house one evening after work that she’d really begun to worry.

As soon as she walked in, the smell of gas almost knocked her over. She rushed to the kitchen and found the oven on and a pilot light out! She immediately turned off the oven and pushed open the windows, but her mom, sitting in the next room, was completely unaware of the danger and only said that she thought something smelled funny. Later that night, Beryl called Rumer at home in Montana and mentioned the incident, and by the next morning, Isak was calling from California with the name of a neurologist. Beryl said she was sure old Dr. Hamilton could diagnosis the problem, but Isak had insisted Mia see a specialist, so three weeks later, on a bright blue sky September morning, Beryl had taken Mia to Boston.

They’d arrived early, hoping to have lunch in Quincy Market, and after perusing the menus of several outdoor cafés, they picked a sunny table and ordered Waldorf salads, mint iced tea, and a slice of peach raspberry pie to share. Afterward, they happily discovered that they still had time to look around in the shops. In one boutique, Mia had found a lovely silk scarf for Isak; at an outdoor stand, she’d purchased a pair of beautiful turquoise earrings for Rumer; and finally, in a little bookstore at the end of the building, aptly named The Bookend, she’d discreetly tucked away a small package for Beryl. Then she’d happily declared, “I’ve officially started my Christmas shopping. I only hope I can remember where I’ve put these things when Christmas gets here.”

“Don’t worry, Mum,” Beryl had said, putting her arm around her, “I’ll remind you.” As they’d turned to go, Mia bumped into a display of books, sending a whole stack tumbling to the floor, but when they knelt to pick them up, a friendly voice called, “Don’t worry. It’s my fault. I knew they were too close to the counter.”

Beryl stood up, balancing the books in her arms, and when she saw the source of the voice, her face lit up. “Micah?”

A slender man peered at her over round horn-rimmed glasses, looking puzzled, and then smiled shyly. “Beryl!” He looked over her shoulder and saw Mia too. “And Mrs. Graham!” Happily surprised, he came around the counter to give them each a hug. Beryl hugged him back warmly, but Mia pulled away, looking startled and confused.

Beryl quickly came to her rescue. “Mum, you remember Micah Coleman. He worked at the shop when he was in high school.”

Mia searched the tan face and ocean blue eyes and nodded. “My shop?” she asked uncertainly.

Beryl nodded and Micah took off his glasses. “Does this help?”

Mia studied his face again and shook her head. “Please forgive me. I’m having trouble remembering my own name these days.”

Micah nodded thoughtfully. “It was a long time ago.”

Beryl smiled. “It’s so good to see you. How long has it been?”

Micah put his glasses back on and rubbed his chin thoughtfully. “Twenty-five years?” he mused, raising his eyebrows.

Beryl shook her head in disbelief. “It can’t be—we aren’t that old!”

Micah laughed. “You might not be, but I definitely am!”

“I didn’t know you were in Boston. Have you worked here long?”

“When they let me. . . .” He grinned at the girl working the register. “Actually, this is my store.”

Beryl looked surprised. “Wow! It’s very nice. You’ve done a lot with a small space.”

“Thanks,” Micah replied, his shy smile returning. “All those years ago—working at Tranquility—inspired me to start my own business.”

Beryl glanced at the clock above the register. “Oh, Micah, I’m sorry we have to rush off—we have an appointment.” Micah nodded, taking the books from her.

Mia tilted her head politely. “It was very nice to see you again, Micah.”

Micah smiled warmly. “It was very nice to see you too.”

Beryl gave him a hug. “Can’t believe it’s you!”

“Me too,” he said softly. “Hope you’ll stop by again.”

“We will,” she promised.

Reluctantly, they’d left the shop and hurried to the doctor’s office, the memory of the day and their chance encounter quickly slipping away—giving way to the anxious thoughts they’d been trying to keep at bay. They each whispered hopeful prayers that somehow all their worrying was for nothing. But later that afternoon, after a myriad of written and oral tests and a review of Mia’s health records, the doctor gently confirmed that dementia—most likely Alzheimer’s—was slowly stealing Mia’s mind and memory. Mother and daughter listened quietly, nodded numbly, asked the few questions that came to mind, although there would be many more later, graciously accepted pamphlets and slips for new prescriptions, made another appointment for further testing, and escaped into the late-day sun to hold each other close and weep—never wanting to let go.

At last, Mia had pulled away gently and held her daughter’s lovely face in her hands. Searching the glistening cornflower blue eyes that mirrored her own, she’d smiled sadly and said, “Berry, dear, you’ll just have to remember these wonderful days for both of us.”

The decision to seek long-term care had been heartbreaking for all of them, but Beryl had struggled with it the most. Without hesitation, she’d offered to move back home, but Mia wouldn’t hear of it, and Rumer and Isak agreed. They insisted that Mia would not want Beryl to take on such a burden for an indeterminate length of time.

“It’s not a burden,” Beryl had argued. “I want to do it. Besides, she’s so young.”

“And so are you,” Isak had responded. “Who knows how long she’ll need care. She’s going to need someone around the clock, and there’s no respite—or life—for a long-term caregiver.”

“We could have a nurse come in too,” Beryl had suggested, but her sisters had both been so adamant that she’d begun to wonder if they felt guilty because they weren’t willing to do the same. Instead, they insisted it would be better to find a facility that specialized in caring for Alzheimer’s patients. Beryl had strongly disagreed—they could not put Mia in a nursing home. They’d argued bitterly, tearfully, and in the end, she’d felt as if she’d had no say in the matter and wished she’d never told them about her mother’s decline. Her heart had ached with regret and sorrow.

 

Beryl plugged the fridge in and it hummed to life, its cheerful light illuminating clean, white walls and bare glass shelves. She stocked it with the produce and dairy she’d bought: a head of romaine, cucumbers, carrots, celery, eggs, cheddar, milk, half and half, and then, in an afterthought, she slipped one of the bottles of chardonnay in the door. Rumer was coming in that night and Isak the next day. Together, they’d plan Mia’s service and begin the overwhelming task of going through her belongings. They’d be staying at the house all week; then their families would arrive on Thursday or Friday. Beryl put the remaining bottles of wine on the counter and, beside them, lined up a fresh bag of Green Mountain Vermont Country Blend coffee, oatmeal, brown sugar, raisins, a bag of walnuts, bread, the apples, her tin of tea, two golden heirloom tomatoes, and the beeswax candles she’d brought from the shop. She washed her hands, remembered the rings, and climbed the worn, narrow stairs to the quiet bedroom that looked out over the front yard.

Golden sunlight streamed through the windows in long slants, creating a pattern of crosses on the wainscoting and across the faded Amish wedding quilt that had been on her mom’s bed for as long as she could remember. Beryl sat down, held out her hand, and wondered for the thousandth time if she’d ever wear rings of her own. She looked at her tan, slender fingers and thought of her mom’s hands. Over the years, she and Mia had often held their hands up palm to palm or side by side and marveled at their sameness: Not only were they the same size and shape, but they both had small bumps on their right middle fingers from holding their pencils too tightly, and they both kept their nails neatly trimmed, like crescent moons, and unpolished, except for special occasions, like the times they’d painted on clear gloss for Rumer’s and Isak’s weddings. The bride and the bridesmaid had both teased them, “You two are really living on the wild side!”

And it wasn’t just their hands that were the same. Beryl wished she had a penny for every time someone had asked them if they were sisters. Mia had always been petite and athletic and, by the time Beryl was in high school, she’d grown into her mom’s mirror image. It was only in recent years—as Mia’s hair had become more salt than pepper, and smile wrinkles had crinkled around her friendly eyes—that there was a noticeable difference again. Beryl smiled at the thought; then an unexpected wave of grief swept over her.

“Oh, Mum,” she whispered, “how am I ever going to manage without you?” Through the blur of her tears, she noticed the countless tiny bright polka dots dancing on the walls. She slipped off Mia’s diamond and the dots spun and sparkled like fireflies playing in the shadows. She wiped away her tears and slipped off the wedding ring too. Squinting, she tried to make out the inscription, but it was too delicate and worn to read without her glasses. She walked over to her mom’s bureau, slid open the bottom drawer of her jewelry box, and carefully placed the rings in the front corner. As she did, a ray of sunlight fell over the drawer and a flash of blue caught her eye. She stared at the shiny object: a large sapphire ring tucked in the back of the drawer. She picked it up and held it in the light; it was the same sparkling blue as Mia’s eyes, but Beryl had no memory of her mother ever wearing the ring. She looked in the drawer again and saw a card. It was made from a folded piece of watercolor paper and on the outside was a beautiful painting of a tawny red female cardinal. Beryl studied the delicate illustration and then opened the card and read the long, elegant script: