More Than A Four Letter Word (16 page)

"The fact that I would consider marriage
should tell you how indispensable you are to me. I would love to
spend the night and give you the proper send off, but Micah and I
have to leave." He keeps his arm around her shoulders as he called
out to Micah. "Micah! Come on son, it's time for us to leave."

Micah comes barreling out of the playroom.
"Aah Dad, can we stay a little longer."

Clarissa moves out of Julian's arms and
speaks directly to Micah. "I enjoyed having you in my home tonight.
Next time you come over, I'll make dinner for you and your dad and
we can spend the whole day in my playroom. I could use your insight
on how to finish Darkonian Quest before I send it into
pre-production."

Micah launched himself into her arms hugging
her tightly. He wished that Clarissa would marry his dad and become
his mother. "I can't wait to come back. Have a good trip
Rissa."

Clarissa kissed his forehead, "Thanks
sweetie. I hope you have a good trip too." Julian opened the door
and Micah wave one last time before leaving.

"I want you Clarissa, marrying you would be a
small price to pay. Think about that while you're gone." He kissed
her before leaving shutting the door behind him.

After locking the door behind them, Clarissa
rested her back against the door. She has deep feelings for Julian,
but she didn't know if what they have between them could sustain a
marriage. She trusted that Julian is telling her the truth. From
the beginning, he's been honest about his intentions to claim her
as his woman. Lord help her! She is ready to accept everything he's
offering.

***

The last month has been hectic for Clarissa,
but she welcomes the opportunity to come home and visit with her
family during Easter. Roberta’s prognosis is excellent; Junior is a
perfect match to everyone’s relief. Clarissa is just thankful that
one of the family members could provide Roberta with the gift of
life. Roberta’s doctor stated that even though Junior is a perfect
match there is no guarantee that Roberta’s body would accept his
marrow. After the bone marrow replacement surgery, Roberta required
several months of radiation treatments. Thank the Lord she seems to
be on the mend.

On the day of her arrival in Orlando, her
Aunt Helen, presses her to talk with her mother and Roberta. She
wants Clarissa to reconcile with them. Clarissa doesn't try to
avoid her aunt, but she could tell that Aunt Helen has plenty to
say. “Hey Aunt Helen how are you today?”

Helen cannot contain her disappointment in
Clarissa. “Rissa you haven’t felt comfortable with your family
since finding out that Raymond isn’t your real father. You have to
talk to your mother, tell her all of the things that have been
festering inside of you since you were a child. Until you do,
you’re going to be unhappy.”

Clarissa sighed; sometimes her aunt could be
like a dog with a bone. “Aunt Helen, I'm here for a few days I
don’t want to start any trouble.”

“
You need to understand that
Henrietta is also in pain? She’s been carrying a load of guilt for
thirty years, and it’s time that she put it to rest. I forgave her
years ago, now it’s time for her to forgive herself.”

“
Well, maybe you two need to
get together and talk.”

“
I don’t think that your
mother will listen to anything I have to say, but maybe a
conversation with you can relieve her mind.”

“
Okay, Aunt Helen you win.
Mother’s in the family room with Junior and Roberta. I’ll ask her
if she will talk with me and if she refuses I’m never going to try
again.”

“
If Henrietta refuses to
talk with you, I promise that I’ll never bother you about working
your troubles out again. Is that fair?”

“
You have a deal.” Clarissa
walked into the family room and asked Roberta and Junior to leave
while she talks with their mother.

Henrietta watches her oldest child closely.
Clarissa reminded her of all the shameful things that she wants to
forget. Helen has to remind herself repeatedly that the
circumstances of Clarissa’s birth weren’t Clarissa’s fault. “I’m
glad that you have finally come to talk to me Clarissa. We spent so
many years pretending that there were no problems between us.”

“
Daddy and Aunt Helen said
that I needed to hear about the situation from your point of view.
Aunt Helen forced me realize that our family will never truly heal
until we seal this breach between us.”

“
Please sit down beside me
Clarissa, the things I have to tell you are not pleasant to hear.
You’re right; it’s time for us to heal the breach. When I was
growing up, I was so jealous of Helen. She was smarter than I was,
and she was my parents’ favorite child.”

“
Why did you think
that?”

“
We may be identical twins,
but our personalities are totally different. Whatever Helen did was
okay with my parents, she was so well behaved unlike me. I didn’t
receive the attention I thought I deserved, so I deliberately did
things to get my parents’ attention.”

“
How come you never told
your parents how you felt?”

Henrietta grabbed Clarissa’s hands and held
them gently. “Because like you, I didn’t think that anything could
be resolved by talking to them.”

Clarissa regarded her mother with a deep
understanding. “So you took out your frustrations on Aunt
Helen.”

“
I’m not proud to admit it,
but that’s what I did. Whenever Helen won awards at school, I would
try to belittle her accomplishments. Whatever Helen had, I tried to
take away from her. I knew how serious her relationship with James
Wilson was to her, and I tried everything in the book to make him
notice me.”

Clarissa tried to keep an open mind about the
past. “Why didn’t you just try to establish your own
accomplishments?”

“
Because I was so full of
hatred that the only thing I wanted to accomplish was hurting
Helen. The night that I told Helen I slept with James, I wanted to
die. Helen broke down and cried and I stood ashamed of myself. I
had hurt her more than I had intended.”

Clarissa sat there looking at her mother as
if she were seeing her for the first time. She looked older than
Aunt Helen did. Her Mother had more gray in her hair, and she
looked as if the years have dragged her down. “How did you manage
to fool James Wilson?”

“
Your Aunt Helen was such a
tomboy. She never wore makeup, and her hair was pulled back into a
ponytail. I dressed like her that night, copied her hairstyle and
went to meet him. James just thought I was nervous because it was
our first time together. I think he had an inkling I wasn’t Helen
right after we finished having sex. He wanted to hold me, and I
pulled out of his arms and dropped my little bomb.”

"Why didn’t you get what you wanted when you
slept with James Wilson?”

“
It was then that I realized
that Helen wasn’t to blame for our parents’ behavior. Lack of love
and devotion from your parents is not your siblings fault. I was
dating Raymond by the time I found out I was pregnant. For the
first time in my life, I was in love and because of my actions; my
chance for happiness was on the verge of being ruined.”

“
When I told Raymond what I
did to Helen and James, he didn’t believe me at first. I assured
him that it was true and that I was carrying James’s child.”
Henrietta wiped the tears from her face with a tissue. “I didn’t
see Raymond for a couple of weeks after I told him that I was
pregnant. Then one day he came to my parents’ house and asked my
father's for permission to marry me. Raymond told me that he didn’t
want to live without me.”

“
You found a man who truly
loved you Mother, why couldn’t you forgive yourself enough to be
happy.”

Henrietta took a tissue and wiped Clarissa’s
face. “I know that I haven’t treated you the way a mother should
treat her child. Raymond and I were delighted when you were born.
Raymond loved you no matter what; he used to carry you around
wherever we went. The older you got the more you resembled James. I
started to resent you, by then Junior was a toddler, and I was
pregnant with Roberta. Raymond lavished you with attention, so I
ignored you and focused on the other children.”

“
So are you saying that you
never hated me just the circumstances of my birth.”

“
Baby I never hated you! I
hated myself for a long time, and you were the reminder of why I
hated myself. Helen recognized my destructiveness right away. Do
you know she even offered to raise you? I was all for it; however,
Raymond refused to give you up. He told me that if I didn’t have
enough love to spare you that he had more than enough. By then, I
didn’t realize what a monster I created in Roberta. She was so much
like me that I was flattered at first. Then I began to see in her
the same destructive hatred that I had for Helen. I didn’t want a
repeat of history, so I thought that if I gave Roberta more
attention she wouldn’t resent you as much.”

“
Daddy and Aunt Helen
thought you were trying to ignore me, so they tried to make it up
to me.”

“
Unfortunately that’s what
happened. Roberta didn’t tell me what happened between Lawrence and
her until a few minutes before she made her announcement to the
family. I felt like such a failure because I was responsible for
all the pain you’ve experienced from your childhood to the present.
I saw what could happen because I’ve already been there. It took a
long time before I forgave myself for what I did to Helen and
James. I’m so sorry baby, can you ever forgive me for all the
terrible things I’ve done to you.” For the first time in years,
Henrietta hugged her oldest child with all the love she had in her
being.”

Clarissa is taken by surprise when her mother
hugged her. She quickly hugs her back, thinking of all the times
she wanted to hug her mother not knowing how she would respond.
“Please don’t hate me anymore Mother.”

“
I never hated you baby
girl, and I’ll prove it to you if it takes the rest of my
life.”

“
Where do we go from
here?”

“
I hope one day that you'll
have fond memories of your family. I know why you don’t visit us
for the holidays. You give us that same tired excuse every year.
You were too busy or visiting Lawrence’s family.”

Clarissa smiles at her Mother. “Well this
year it will be the truth. I live in Chicago now, and I like it a
lot.”

“
Why did you move so far
away? I hear that it’s pretty rough, are you sure that you want to
stay up there?”

Clarissa is touched by the genuine concern in
her mother’s voice. “Don’t worry Mother, the company I work for is
on the cutting edge of security products and I love what I'm doing.
I'm essentially my own boss, and I set my hours.”

“
You have good judgment, and
I’m sure you’re successful at whatever you do. I could use some
help in the kitchen. I have a peach cobbler and two sweet potato
pies to make. You can fill me in on your job.”

Clarissa kissed her mother on the cheek. “I’d
be delighted to tell you about my job and all the expectations that
I have for the future. I would love it if you and Daddy would come
visit me in Chicago. We have to hurry; I noticed that you didn’t
put the brownies away. Junior has probably eaten them all up by
now.”

Henrietta beat Clarissa into the kitchen.
“That boy better not touch my brownies or I’ll slap him right
upside his head.”

Clarissa hasn’t laughed like this in years,
for once in her life maybe she and her mother could have a loving
relationship.

***

After dinner, Clarissa decides to spend the
rest of the evening upstairs with Roberta. She is still weak from
her battle with cancer; however, her appetite has improved
considerably. “Well Roberta what do you want to do, play cards or
watch television?”

“
I’d rather talk to you if
you don’t mind.”

“
Okay, what do you want to
talk about?” Clarissa said while moving her chair closer to
Roberta’s bed.

“
I would like for us to be
sisters. I want to have a relationship with you that don't involve
my jealousy.”

Clarissa stared at the pattern on the
comforter covering Roberta. “I don’t want to continue our past
relationship either. It certainly would be gratifying to move our
relationship forward. Mother opened my eyes to some things when I
spoke with her this afternoon. She cleared up something’s that has
been plaguing me all my life. I cannot tell you how much time I
wasted thinking about my painful childhood.”

Roberta’s eyes watered as she listened to
Clarissa speak, for she knows that she is behind Clarissa's painful
memories. “Do you think you can forgive me for my part of your
painful childhood? There were times when I did things just to hurt
you. I'm jealous of your close relationship with Daddy and Junior.
I especially envy the closeness between you and Aunt Helen.
Lawrence doesn't mean anything to me, in case you're wondering if
we're still seeing each other."

Clarissa lifts up Roberta’s chin, “You need
to make peace with yourself. I’ve forgiven you for everything, just
as I hope you can forgive me.”

Roberta's brow furrowed. “Forgive you for
what?”

“
Forgive me for not taking
the time to talk to you about the problems between us. I use to see
myself as the victim. I never tried to do anything to solve the
situations that were between us. I should have given you the ass
kicking that you royally deserved, and you would have learned to
respect what is mine. I don’t think we have any problems.
Everything in our family revolved around Mother’s secret;
therefore, we never got a chance to be a family.”