More Letters From a Nut (37 page)

December 13, 1996

Dear Mr. Nancy:

Your letter of December 5 has been referred to me for response. The National Archives and Records Administration’s statutory responsibility is limited to caring for the body of federal records created, maintained, and received in the course of conducting public business. Unless the items you propose for donation contain imbedded information regarding federal activities, the Archives could not accept your kind offer. Given the unusual nature of the donation, we recognize that your generosity holds grave ramifications beyond those normally encountered here. So even if this agency were allowed an exception to act in this instance, we are not equipped for providing the clearly specialized help you need in the matter. There must be some other institution out there equipped with adequate medical expertise to properly diagnose what kind of extended care is necessary and so we urge you to search until you find it. Good luck in your continued quest. We can all learn from the selfless gesture you are making!

Sincerely,

John A. Vernon

Chief, Education Branch (NEEE)

Dear Telephone Company:

I’ll be moving into your city with my electronic belching machine. I keep it on the apartment patio. Who do I contact for phone service?

Please tell me when the installer will be there as he has to go through my patio and will hear my machine. I don’t want to get into a shouting match with him. These belches, especially when electronically transmitted, can get pretty loud. If I turn it up to 7, the belches can be heard down the block.

Please tell me who I speak to for immediate service. I am moving very soon so a quick reply would be appreciated. I need to know who I contact for phone service. Thank you.

Sincerely,

Ted L. Nancy

December 9, 1997

Dear Mr. Nancy,

I am returning your letter, as we are no longer AT&T at this location, we are now Lucent Technologies. You local company in your area is GTE.

Sincerely,

P. J. McCormick

Office Manager

Dear Ticket Dept.,

I want to get season tickets for your exciting hockey team. Go Capitals! They are (and have always been) my favorite team. I am moving to Washington in less then a month and this is the most pressing issue for me - these tickets. I have a situation which I MUST address:

I walk around with nothing but shaving cream on. That’s all that covers me. I need this for my own religious beliefs. I am of the belief that the body is cleansed when covered in a softening type shaving solution. This is MY religious conviction and I am devout.

How much are season tickets? NO shaving cream will come off when I jump out of my seat and cheer. None will evaporate. Go Washington! If I leap out of my seat to shout, the shaving cream will remain on me. I have done it before without incident.

Please let me know how much season tickets are and can I pick my seat? I would like to sit in the coldest part of the arena. (Hot areas are no good). Thank you. I look forward to a prompt response as I MUST get my season tickets NOW. Remember, this is for religious beliefs.

Sincerely,

Ted L. Nancy