Moonlight in Odessa (47 page)

What Odessan flair! Over sixty and she still had it! Even as I was angry that she didn’t tell me her response, I admired her panache. Maybe he was why she never replied when I asked her to consider coming to America. Had Boba found love? Another thought invaded: had she had love all along, but put it on hold for me?

I was dying to call, but knew she’d never say anything. Even on paper, I couldn’t tell if she was annoyed by him or merely pretending. It is nearly impossible to get a straight answer out of an Odessan. Paper will endure anything – that’s what we say in Odessa. A letter does not blush.

Dear Boba,

Tell me everything! Immediately! What on earth did you answer?

All is well here. I’m just trying to figure things out . . .

I couldn’t be angry at her for keeping things from me – after all, I, too, had my secrets. There are some things you can’t tell a grandmother, some things you can only tell a real friend.

‘He said he’d kill himself if I leave,’ I told David during his weekly call.

‘Good. You’ll be rid of him and inherit his house.’

‘You’re horrible,’ I said with affection.

‘Maybe. But I’ve never threatened suicide to keep a woman. Anyway, guys like him never do it. He’s pathetic. He just wants attention. I can just see him, sawing away at his wrist with the sharp edge of a sheet of paper.’

I laughed.

‘You shouldn’t be with someone like him . . .’

His words felt open-ended, and I was suddenly breathless. I wanted him to finish his sentence. ‘Who should I be with?’

‘Someone who can hold his own with you, that’s for damn sure.’

I waited for him to say something. He didn’t. We just sat there, each on our end, waiting. I broke the silence. ‘How’s Olga?’

‘I wouldn’t know,’ he said stiffly.

‘What happened?’

‘My Russian improved. I heard her refer to me as the dirty old Jew to someone on the phone.’

‘Which part offended you?’

‘I’m not old,’ he said.

‘I’m sorry,’ I said in a serious tone of voice so that he would know what I meant.

‘Did you know?’

‘Not until she started dating you. That’s when she stopped hiding her true feelings from me.’

‘You could have said something.’

‘You wouldn’t have believed me.’

‘Perhaps,’ he said. ‘What are you going to do?’

‘I don’t know.’

‘The Daria I knew always had an escape plan. She was always three steps ahead of everyone else. What would she do?’

‘It’s different. I’m married now. For better or for worse.’

‘Has it ever been better?’

I didn’t answer.

‘So stay. Stay in America, but dump him.’

‘He paid all this money to bring me here.’

‘So get a divorce and write him a check.’

‘With what money? I’m a waitress.’

‘A waitress!’ he roared. I pulled the phone away from my ear so I didn’t hear the obscenities. ‘Where are you?’

‘In a village four hours from San Francisco.’

‘In the country?’ he asked, appalled. ‘Go to a city. Get a real job. There’s a branch of
ARGONAUT
in San Francisco.’

‘I know.’

‘Then why haven’t you contacted them? Kessler can make sure you get a job there.’

‘I’ve thought about it, believe me.’

‘What’s holding you back?’

‘It’s complicated.’

‘No, it’s not. You’re the one making it complicated. You’ve put in the time, it’s not working out. Cut your losses. You’re young and a year seems like a lot, but it’s nothing compared to a lifetime. Get out now before you have kids.’

‘You don’t understand. I owe him.’

‘So he did a nice thing for you. Are you going to pay for the rest of your life? He had a hot wife for a year. That’s payment enough. Ciao!’

‘I told you, he threatened to kill himself . . .’

‘Then find him someone before you leave. God knows you’re an expert.’

That stung so hard I flinched. ‘I’m through with matchmaking.’

‘Do you have any money?’

‘Money, no,’ I fingered the diamond. ‘But Vlad gave me a ring.’

‘Sell it.’

‘I’ve been considering that.’

‘Why haven’t you done anything?’

‘I don’t know . . .’

‘You’ve changed. You’re probably depressed.’

‘I’m in America. How could I possibly be depressed?’

‘It can happen anywhere. Leave him before you turn into a total wimp.’

I felt my spine straighten and my chin lift. ‘How dare you, you presumptuous –’

He laughed. ‘And she’s back.’

I subscribed to the
San Francisco Chronicle
, paying by check from my own account. Each morning, I scoured the housing and employment pages. Could I live on my own? I’d never been alone, not even for a weekend. Was I brave enough? Was the city safe? How much would an apartment cost? How much could I earn? Would it be enough?

Caressing Vlad’s gift, I remembered the emerald Tans had given to Jane. I thought about Jonothan, who bought and sold jewelry. I wondered how much he could get for my ring. Perhaps if it was enough, I could?. . .

Escape. And start over. The diamond was large and bright, and everyone I knew said that Soviet gold was the best in the world. But then the people who had said that were all Soviets. And they had also said the Soviet system was the best in the world. Maybe the ring wasn’t worth much after all. I called Jane, who gave me Jonothan’s number and warned me to be careful. After I described the ring, he volunteered to drive up and appraise it the following day.

We met at the café, while Tristan was at work. I unhooked the dainty silver chain and let the ring slide off of the necklace onto Jonothan’s palm. He held it between his thumb and index finger, turned it around slowly, taking it in from all angles. When he pulled out a jeweler’s magnifying glass from his shirt pocket and fitted it into his eye socket, he went from looking like an easy-going party animal to a hard-nosed diamond merchant. The change startled me.

‘I can get ten thousand for it,’ he said authoritatively.

‘Dollars?’ I exclaimed. Of course he wasn’t talking about grivna or rubles. Finding out it was worth so much made me hesitant, and I fought the urge to snatch it back. Common sense and greed warred within me. Jane had told me that he was a ‘cokehead.’ What if he used the proceeds from my ring to buy drugs? I would be a fool to trust him. But what other choice did I have? I needed money, and he had connections. He held the ring in the palm of his hand, silently offering to give it back to me. Pam walked up and said, ‘My gawd, is that thing for real?’

‘Sure is,’ he said. ‘I’m proposing to my girlfriend next week and wanted to show Daria the ring.’

‘Isn’t that sweet?’ she said, her eyes fixed on the glittering diamond. ‘Who would say no to you?’

‘Ninety percent of the girls in the Bay area.’

‘All it takes is one.’ Her head lilted to one side and she sighed. ‘I’ll never have anything so beautiful,’ she said, then made her way back to the kitchen to answer the bell and deliver her order.

I looked at the ring. The white witch said to get rid of it, that it wasn’t doing me any good. But Vlad’s gift had been with me all this time. A talisman, a solace, a reminder. Do you want to look backwards or forward? I asked myself sternly. Do you want out? This is the only way. Jonothan held my gaze. I nodded. He put the ring in the pocket of his green silk shirt. I felt nervous when it disappeared from sight and sat on my hands so that I would not grab it back. It hadn’t been out of my possession since Vlad – since Boba – had given it to me.

‘How much time do you need?’

‘Depends on how long it takes to find a buyer. My commission is ten percent. I’ll return it if I haven’t sold it in six months.’

Six months. An eternity.

The minute Jonothan left, I regretted trusting him.
Take-took-taken
. What had I done? No Odessan would ever trust a total stranger. I’d gone soft in the head. I’d given my ring to a known drug man.
Fall-fell-fallen
. In Odessa, I never would have done that. David was right. I was different. I hadn’t noticed because the change had been so gradual. In Odessa, you fight for everything: a seat on the bus, an education, a fair price at the market, a good-paying job . . . Things there were uncertain – even the flow of water through the city pipes, heat in the winter, electricity. You always had to be prepared, steeled against adversity and problems.

In comparison, life in America was easy. People were open and friendly. The supermarket was full of tasty food. You turned on the faucet – hot water flowed. In nearly a year, the power was cut only once. And I’ll never forget this: the electric company wrote a letter apologizing for any inconvenience they may have caused. No one in Odessa apologized for anything. In Emerson, I made more in a week as a waitress than I had in a month as a secretary. I had a car, just as Jane had said I would. I’d been lulled to complacency. And I’d just given my diamond away thinking everything would be fine. Fool!

Please, Jono, please
. I felt every second pass like I was back in the classroom listening to that vile metronome, waiting for my turn. Tick-tock. Tick-tock. Ticktocktick.
Bite-bit-bitten
. It seemed like months since I’d heard from Jonothan, but it had only been six days. I left the house so that I didn’t call him, parked at the lunch counter at work trying not to think of what I’d done. He said it could take up to six months. Six months! Jane’s warning about him being a ‘cokehead’ echoed in my mind. I veered from hopeful to hopeless, from joy that I would be leaving to fear that I was stuck for good.
Please, please, please
. My stomach churned like the butter makers at the bazaar. Pimples dotted my face and back. I couldn’t sleep. Yes, no, stay, go.
The rain in Spain stays mainly in the Plain
. I drank Raymond’s Pepto Bismal straight from the bottle. Pam fed me soda crackers.

‘What’s wrong?’ she asked.

I couldn’t say. I didn’t want to tell her how foolish I’d been. Jane, of course, heard from Tans. She rang immediately and didn’t even say hello.

‘You just handed him the ring?’ Jane yelled. ‘Why didn’t you let him take a picture of it and see if there was any interest before handing it over? You must know you can’t trust him.’

‘You’re right, I wasn’t thinking . . . I just want to leave so much . . .’

‘I’m sorry, Dasha. I’m the one who’s not thinking clearly. I didn’t mean to shout. I’m just scared for you, that’s all. Jono is Jono . . . He’s charming, but he’s into a lot of bad stuff . . . You’re an Odessan. I thought you could take care of yourself. But you know what? I’m probably worrying for nothing. Everything will be fine.’

‘Everything will be fine,’ I repeated, hoping that for once the mantra would work.

When I got home from work, from the grocery store, from Molly’s, from Anna’s, I checked the answering machine. There were never any messages. I picked up the receiver to make sure the phone line worked. I checked my e-mail every three minutes. I longed for comfort and tried to make compote like Boba used to, just for a small taste of home. But I got distracted and burned the apples. At night, I stared at the ceiling until Tristan fell asleep, then I paced the house, going from room to room like a ghost.

On my day off, I went to visit Serenity at her shop. When she saw me, she hugged me and made us a pot of herbal tea.
Please, Jono, please
. I tried to follow what she was saying, but was so distracted that she had to repeat herself several times.

‘What’s bothering you?’ she asked.

I shrugged.

‘You like to keep things to yourself. That’s okay. But you know you can talk to me, right?’

I nodded.

‘Sometimes it helps to keep busy,’ she said and put me to work dusting the shelves. I was glad to have something to do with my hands, other than wringing them. Her presence comforted me. Whenever I glanced at her, she was looking at me, smiling gently. At five o’clock, when it was time for her to close the shop, I drove to Tristan’s with all four windows down, listening to my music.

When I got there, he was waiting. He’d moved his BarcaLounger out onto the front lawn and was sitting there with his arms crossed. The grass around him was littered with beer cans.
Sink-sank-sunk
. Thank God my neighbors in Odessa couldn’t see my crazy husband. My crazy life. I cut the engine and unbuckled my seatbelt. I was afraid to get out of the car.
Hit-hit-hit
.

‘Where the hell have you been?’ he yelled. ‘I called ten times today! You never answered.’

‘I went for a drive!’ I shouted the obvious.

‘You need to tell me if you go somewhere!’

‘You’ve been drinking!’