Monza 3 (Formula Men #3) (5 page)

Sei

The news of Kimberly’s brother passing came the moment I landed back in Rome and was greeted by Gino, the message bearer. Apparently, it had happened around two in the morning while I was practically passed out cold, oblivious to the fact that she was going through the toughest experience she’d had to endure.

“Where is she?” I asked just as we got into the backseat of the car.

“She was with her father this morning, but I believe she went back to the villa an hour ago. She didn’t want to talk to anyone, not even to see the baby.”

The weight of Gino’s last words revealed so much about where her current state of mind was. Kimberly would never neglect Gian Luca. She was anal about everything in regards to him.

I was an only child and could never fathom how difficult it must be to lose a sibling. She had doted on him. He had been a bright kid, but had always been sickly from the bits of information I had gathered from her.

She had needed me, and I had let her down by not being present after I’d had an inkling that something terrible would happen. Little had I known that hunch would result in someone dying.

The villa was not in the lively atmosphere that it had been in since Gian Luca had arrived from the hospital. You could feel the sadness permeate the very air, weighing on your chest with each breath you took. It was stifling. It was unmistakable.

Carefully taking steps, I slowly made my way towards her room. My mind was consumed with thoughts of how I could possibly console her. How I wished I had the balm that could heal her heart and take the pain away. I wasn’t sure how to be there and not have her reject me. This situation was unfamiliar territory.

“Cara?”
I whispered upon opening the door.

The shutters were drawn, so no light filtered through the blackout curtains. It took a few seconds before my eyes adjusted. Then they immediately flickered towards the made bed, still unruffled.

All right, she wasn’t in bed, so where could she be?
I thought as I strode towards the bathroom, but before I managed to reach the door, I saw a small, shadowy figure leaning against the side of the bed with her knees against her chin and her arms tightly wrapped around her legs, rocking slowly as she silently cried.

My heart cracked broke at the very sight of her. No words formed on my lips as I immediately knelt next to her and pulled her against my chest. She welcomed my warmth, and I felt her quake and shiver as she continued ceaselessly crying.

My heart reached out to hers, but I didn’t have anything that could numb the pain. I simply held her as she wept into my chest. It took a while before the tight clasp around her legs loosened, and the moment it did, she clutched at my shirt, beyond inconsolable.

“This is all my fault,” she muttered. “That heart was bad luck. I shouldn’t have encouraged that operation after what happened. How can God be this cruel? He gave me my son, but in exchange, he took my brother. How am I going to look at my father in the eye ever again? It was my selfishness. This is my punishment for wanting too much.”

Closing my eyes, I took deep breaths, coaching myself to be very careful with the words I chose. The only way I could be useful was to encourage good thoughts and positivity.

Kissing her forehead, I lifted her chin towards me. “This is not your fault. This is not Karma, and it surely isn’t about you being punished because you were being selfish. This was your brother’s fate. I know it’s not fair, but there was nothing we could do to prevent it. If it’s our time, nothing will stop death from getting to us.

“And Gian Luca was a gift, a beautiful blessing, so please don’t see him as an exchange for anything else. Your brother wouldn’t be happy that you’re thinking of such things. And I know nothing I tell you will help at all, but at least know that he’s in a peaceful place without pain. He’s free from the physical constraints that held him down all his life.”

She shook her head, as if what I had just told her were lies. “I should’ve done more, but I didn’t, because I was too preoccupied with the drama of my own making, and I will never forgive myself for that. Never.”

She was adamant in her belief of the lies she had fed herself. Maybe, once everything registered and she’d had time to cope with the loss, she would come around. For now, no matter what I told her, it would not make a difference.

“I love you. The more you hate yourself, I’ll simply pour more love into you. I’m here. I’ll always be here for you whenever you need me.”

After making sure she had cried her eyes away and she had fallen asleep in my arms, I gently scooped her soft body into my arms and situated her on the bed.

While she slept, I stood there, looking down at her tearstained cheeks and swollen eyes, feeling so utterly useless. I wasn’t sure how we would be able to get through this, but we would. What she needed most was security and the knowledge that she had someone on her side.

Death was tragic. But in the most peculiar way, it brought back perspective about how much one should truly appreciate and live life without regrets. One never knew when their time was at an end.

After leaving her room, I immediately went into the nursery where the nanny was in the rocking chair, feeding the little fella. She was a nice British woman who didn’t hesitate to say her condolences when she spotted me.

“Grazie …” I thanked her before striding towards where my son was being fed by a bottle. “I’ll take it from here.”

The nanny didn’t hesitate to carefully get up and gently lay the baby in my arms. Gian Luca was swaddled in green plush cloth that unmistakably brought out his eyes—my eyes. Emerald green eyes. Although they had that hint of cloudiness around them as if the pigmentation hadn’t been decided just yet, I knew in my heart my son would definitely take after me. My Italian genes were strong, so I didn’t doubt my DNA would fight its way to victory. It was how we were made, and I couldn’t be more proud of it.

The baby was a blessing. To even consider something else was abominable.

Gian Luca was a fervent eater. The little man barely paused to breathe before getting back to business. Watching him gave me such unconditional euphoria. Everything he did was beautiful in my eyes. This feeling couldn’t compare to anything else, so even if my heart was heavy, I put on a smile for my son and sang him a lullaby.

With him … I found peaceful silence.

Sette

“She’s gone through a lot. Post-partum depression can happen when you least expect it, and after experiencing losing a loved one, I guess that pushed the condition forward.”

Post-partum depression?
“Is there a cure for this …
condition?
” I hadn’t been aware there was such a thing, and I felt undoubtedly unprepared for this.

Was her life in danger? I had all these questions, yet I couldn’t coherently say them aloud for some reason.

This was all surreal.

“I believe time is the best healer, but I can also prescribe some medication that might alleviate most of the symptoms if that’s something you both want.” The doctor gave me an apprehensive look. “May I kindly suggest something, Signore di Medici?”

“Yes.” There was no need to be coy. This was her welfare, and I wanted the best for her. So if he had better alternatives than drugs, I would take them.

“A lot of women who are left to their own devices tend to fall into depression. The things I’ve noted are better dealt with when the person is surrounded by friends and family. Large families, like we Italians, don’t normally deal with such conditions particularly, because we’re always having gatherings and family dinners. And I’m not saying this could be the cure, but it could help, along with plenty of sleep. She’ll be back to her normal state before you know it.”

Nodding, I took a hefty lungful of air. “I’ll surely take that into consideration.” At this point, I had to think of things that would keep her occupied as well as give her time to heal her body, mind, and soul. Having a baby wasn’t a simple process for a woman to go through; that was for sure.

After ushering the doctor out, I personally tended to my son and his voracious appetite. He was the first thing I checked on in the morning before waking Kimberly up. Some days, she would wake and send me a wan smile before resorting back to sleep. I normally spent my hours in the library, handling business; spent lunchtime with Kimberly if she were up to it; spent an hour with Gian Luca; and then headed back to the library to work. Then there was dinner with Kimberly, checking in on Gian Luca, and sometimes, when I had enough time, I would sneak in a few more hours of work before calling it a night.

It had now been several weeks since Kimberly’s brother’s funeral, and it was about the same length of time I had been keeping this tight schedule. I wasn’t complaining at all—far from it. Gian Luca needed me just as much Kimberly did, and I had vowed never to neglect either of them. Whatever they needed, I would deliver at all costs.

Sometimes, I ended up sleeping in the nursery, taking over for the nanny and making sure the baby was okay. Kimberly didn’t want to pump milk, so I had to go to formula.

I knew I didn’t have to do any of this because of the nanny, but I believed a child should have one parent to tend to them, if not both, especially at this delicate stage. Gian Luca’s memory might not be developed just yet, but I was sure he knew his parents’ smell and warmth, and I didn’t want him to feel abandoned since Kimberly barely checked on him any longer. Although it was beyond sad, I kept telling myself that this too would pass. It was a temporary state of mind, one I was hoping wouldn’t last years.

One of the things I hoped would cheer her up was that I had spoken to her father. Since he had been renting out an apartment and the villa had a lot of unused bedrooms, I had suggested he live with us for as long as we wanted. As the doctor had suggested, having family around could be vital to her mental health.  Besides, not only would it benefit Kimberly, but it would also be great to have him around Gian Luca.

Sparing her father the hassle of packing, I had Gino tend to that so he didn’t have to lift a finger at all. His bedroom suite should be ready upon his arrival around dinnertime tonight. This was a surprise for Kim.

It was after feeding Gian Luca that afternoon while I was on my way back to work in the library when I was informed my father was in the living room, waiting to see me.

Besides sending flowers to Kimberly after her brother’s loss and a few phone calls asking about Gian Luca, I hadn’t seen him since his last visit. As a result, this impromptu showing placed a massive smile on my face.

“Papa!” I greeted as I sprinted into the living room. But the second I saw him, that smile immediately soured. “I would’ve figured that you’d have more sense than to bring
her
here.”

My blood pressure went through the roof, seeing red, hungry for vengeance as I saw the target.

My father seemed as though he was in a bind. “
Mi dispiace,
but we cannot go on like this as a family. We must learn to forgive, even if our hearts find it hard to do so.”

Here he was again with that putrid word.

“Leave!” I snarled towards my mother.

Her cool composure suddenly became deflated at the booming sound of my hateful voice. She knew I wasn’t kidding any longer. I didn’t want her here, and I wasn’t going to tolerate her presence in my home.

“
Per favore,
give me a chance to prove to you that I won’t ever do such a heinous thing again,” she cried out, seeming as if she wanted to reach out to me yet too afraid of my reaction.

Did she believe that a few paltry words of apology would suffice? She was beyond disillusioned if she had truly thought that.

“I am not going to ask again, so if you don’t have the sense to remove yourself, I will ask someone to
forcefully
see you out!”

“Luca, that’s enough!” Kimberly’s voice interrupted, making me catch my breath as I spun around to her.

Her face was fresh with no artifice. She had donned a flowery silk robe and was barefoot with her hair riotously tied behind her head. She might seem meek and fragile, but the fire in her eyes suggested otherwise. And when she directed those beautiful sharp eyes towards me, I knew I shouldn’t interrupt her.

She sent me a warning look, as if she’d had enough of me.

“Thank you for letting the entire household know how chaotic our family life is, Luca. But as much as I appreciated your efforts in protecting me and Gian Luca, I cannot for the life of me go on like this.”

Her cutting words went directly into me. After she sent me a knowing look, she directed her gaze towards my mother. It was as if time had suspended as both women battled with their eyes. The tension was severe, charged, and so stifling it took my breath away.

My mother’s bravado was nowhere to be seen. Her eyes continued to tear even though she tried to keep them at bay.

“What you did was disgusting, Felicia. I never thought women like you existed outside the evil stepmother in storybooks. You proved me wrong. You have no idea how many nights I stayed awake, fearing for my own, my brother’s, and my baby’s lives because you might fancy taking one of them away in the blink of an eye.

“As much as I want to harp on the past and all the monstrous things you committed to my family, you are my son’s grandmother, and for that very fact alone, I know I have to find it in me to make this work. But let me get one thing straight, Felicia. If I see or hear that you’ve abused Gian Luca, whether it’s verbally, mentally, emotionally, or physically, it will be over so fast you won’t even realize what hit you.”

My father unprecedentedly rushed towards Kimberly and gave her a warm embrace, one that displayed how grateful he was for what she had just done. “Bless your heart. Thank you. My son chose the right woman.”

Kimberly seemed choked up as she merely nodded with a smile on her face.

Felicia, on the other hand, seemed too perplexed to function.

“A thank you would not measure how indebted I am for this second chance. I promise you won’t regret this, and I’m truly sorry for your loss. You have no idea how devastated I was when I heard the news.”

The moment Kimberly was reminded about her brother, her demeanor instantly shifted. Instead of responding, she opted to nod her head as she bit the bottom of her lip, reflecting how raw the subject was still. She couldn’t bring herself to mention anything about him without clamming up, putting herself back in a safe cocoon as she quietly licked her wounds.

“Luca?” My mother’s voice interrupted my scrutinizing gaze of Kimberly. “Can we work on this?” she shakily whispered. “Because, if you’re not going to take the same stance, I won’t know what to do with myself.”

This was, by far, reaching for the abyss, but for Kimberly’s sake, I knew better than to upset her since she was the one who had taken the initiative for our son’s sake. It wasn’t easy for her, to be sure, but she had done it, anyway, because she had known it was the right thing to do.

“I can’t promise anything, but I’ll try for Kimberly and Gian Luca.” It was a measly progression, but a much better option than what I had spouted less than ten minutes ago. Felicia shouldn’t dare be picky, because this was the best I could offer her at the moment.

“That’s more than enough. I thank you both,” Felicia humbly uttered, reserved. “Your father and I won’t take any more of your time. We’ll call next time … and hopefully, you both will give us the pleasure of introducing our grandson to us. We’d be beyond grateful.”

“Of course,” Kimberly effortlessly responded. “Until next time.”

My father came towards me to shake my hand, and when it was my mother’s turn, she seemed too afraid to come near me still, obviously frightened at the thought of rejection. She opted to send me a smile, a shaky one at best.

A part of me still wanted to punish her. It took every ounce of me to nod my head towards her, as if we were truly mending things. My mind and my heart were at odds, but I knew I should support the mother of my child. I should respect her. It showed that I would support her even if my heart repelled the thought.

Shaking my head, I let out a breath I had been holding for quite some time now.

Kimberly threw me a thoughtful gaze, considering me a moment before immediately dashing towards me and hugging the living life out of me. “I love you, Luca. Thank you for giving me that. I can’t let my guilt eat away at me. I did the right thing. It was the right thing.” Her eyes sought mine, as if for understanding, for approval.

“You did the right thing, amore,” I rasped out before giving her a reassuring kiss on the forehead.

Her love brightly reflected in her eyes as she probed into my heart. “Bear with me please. I know I haven’t been the same. After the talk you had with the doctor, I realized that maybe some positivity would do us both the world. We can’t keep living in the past, or we won’t be able to move forward.”

She had given words of wisdom. I could learn a thing or two from her.

The seas had treacherous waters, but with her guiding us, we would eventually get to where we needed to be.