Monday to Friday Man (29 page)

‘We were all grieving. This didn’t just happen to you.’

Later that evening Dad talks gently to Nick and me. He hands us a piece of paper with Mum’s temporary address and telephone number on it. He makes sure we understand that he has no wish for us not to see her. She’s our mother. He will find her a new home, and this is where we have a choice. We can either live with him or with our mother, and he will support whichever road we choose.

Before I go to bed I knock on Nick’s door. He’s wearing his black and red leather boxing gloves that Dad gave him last Christmas and he’s punishing his punchbag, sweat glistening on his forehead. ‘Can I have a go?’ I ask.

He stops, breathless, takes off the gloves and hands them to me, but it’s too late. I’ve already hit it. Again and again, and it’s Nicholas now standing back in shock.

I wake up the following morning, my heart sore and my knuckles bruised and red.

43

‘Oh, Gilly,’ says Tanya, the receptionist at the gym, beckoning me to the desk. She’s noticed I’ve been to the gym every day this week and we’ve struck up a warm friendship as she’s swiped my membership card into her machine. ‘There’s a new course starting up at the weekends,’ she informs me.

‘Oh right? What is it?’ I ask.

‘Hi, Gilly,’ he says. I turn round and there is Ed, standing by my side in his tracksuit. ‘Can we talk?’

Tanya watches with interest, before asking if we can step aside to let a member get past.

Ed and I go upstairs to the small café. I recognize his familiar aftershave, and notice that his hair needs a cut. He never used to let it grow too long. When he hands me my glass of orange juice, he appears as nervous as I am.

‘Congratulations,’ I say. ‘I hear you got married.’

‘I handled it badly, didn’t I?’

I nod.

‘I didn’t mean to hurt you,’ he says.

He stirs a neat spoonful of sugar into his black coffee. ‘And I’m sorry, so sorry. The thing is, Gilly . . .’

I wait.

‘I had to stop it. I loved you,’ he says quietly, aware of people listening, and I know what he is going to say next because I know the truth now too. ‘But I don’t think we were in love any more,’ he finishes.

‘Kick-boxing,’ Tanya says, when I ask her again at the reception desk what the new course is. She hands me a leaflet with a timetable.

I smile. Me boxing? I don’t think so. But then I think of Nancy and pop the leaflet in my gym bag, telling Tanya I’ll think about it.

44

‘Morning,’ says Sam when I approach our doggy circle under the oak tree. Mari is easy to spot today because she’s wearing a red coat with a peacock feather pinned into her dark hair. She looks like an exotic bird.

‘Where have you been?’ I don’t confess that I’m nervous about bumping into Guy, which is why I haven’t been to the park for three days. Instead I’ve been going to the gym and walking Ruskin at different times.

‘Hatman’s not here,’ Mari says when she sees me scan the park briefly. I haven’t seen Guy since Flora returned home.

‘You look tired,’ Sam observes. ‘Are you sure you’re OK?’

With relief I reveal the Jack story, piece by piece, and they cluster closely around me.

‘Hang on, hang on. He kissed Nancy?’ Mari gasps.

‘The cheating rat,’ declares Walter.

‘Wait a minute, he has a daughter!’ proclaims Sam.

‘Stop! Don’t go on without me!’ says Ariel, racing over to our circle. Breathlessly he tips Pugsy out of the basket attached to his bicycle. ‘What are you talking about?’ he asks, terrified he’s missed out on the gossip.

Briefly I tell Ariel the story, ending with the news that Jack lives with his mum.

‘I don’t fucking well believe it. I’m so sorry,’ he says, hugging me. ‘The bastard. All men are bastards,’ he adds, ‘that’s why we have dogs. Pugsy will give you a kiss, come here Pugsy! You need to cheer up your Auntie Gilly.’

Ariel guides me to the bench and scoops up the oblivious Pugsy, who proceeds to snuffle and breathe heavily over me.

Mari lights a cigarette and pours herself some coffee from her silver flask, then offers some to me.

‘Got anything stronger to go in that?’ Ariel suggests to Mari, and I let out a snort of laughter. Soon we’re all laughing. ‘Oh God!’ I sigh. ‘Why is life so difficult!’

‘A bit of brandy would be good,’ says Walter, one step behind.

I rest my head against Ariel’s shoulder. ‘It’s going to be all right, Gillykins,’ he says, stroking my hair. ‘You’re a strong girl. How did you catch the bugger out?’

I tell them about Guy and how I’d spent the night with him following the Nancy and Jack kiss; that he was a shoulder for me to cry on. I tell them it was Guy who was determined to find out the truth about Jack. I describe how we’d watched his daughter running into his arms. When they repeat how awful Jack is, I find myself defending him in that he clearly loves his child and she loves her dad too. I know he did a terrible thing in concealing her from me, but I won’t condemn him as an evil person.

‘You’re too nice, Gilly,’ Mari ticks me off. ‘Guy always told us he didn’t quite trust him,’ she adds.

‘I think what Guy meant was that he wasn’t good enough for you,’ Ariel says.

‘Thinking of Guy,’ Walter starts, ‘he was looking for you the other day, Gilly. I met Fiona too.’

‘Flora,’ Mari corrects him, tutting.

‘That’s right,’ he nods. ‘She told me they were planning to get married before Christmas. She wants a winter wedding.’

They all stare at Walter now.

Sam looks at me. ‘Gilly?’ she prompts, ‘something else is wrong, isn’t it? It’s about Guy, right?’

Tears fill my eyes. Walter offers me a handkerchief from his rucksack.

‘I’m fine, absolutely fine.’

Somehow I can’t face telling them what happened. I’m ashamed that I kissed someone who is about to get married. I’m no better than Nancy, am I? I’m a terrible person.

‘You’re not fine. Tell us,’ Ariel insists.

‘Oh look, there he is,’ Walter says, gesturing to Guy, at the far end of the field. He’s walking towards us. I glance at my watch and hurriedly tell them I have to go. ‘Wait!’ Mari calls, gathering her things. ‘I’ll come with you. Wait, Gilly!’

45

I race to the tube station with Ruskin. ‘What’s the rush?’ says Mari, struggling to keep up with me. Together we jump on the train and I breathe deeply when I take my seat, avoiding eye contact with Mari, who sits three seats down from me. I know I’m going to have to face him soon, but I’m not ready to hear about Flora and their winter wedding. Not yet. I can’t imagine looking Flora in the eye either and not showing my guilt. Guy is right. I can’t lie. I will meet Flora one of these days, so I need to be prepared. ‘What’s going on?’ Mari mouths crossly, over passengers reading their morning papers. ‘Not now,’ I mouth back.

Along the Pimlico Road I grab my cappuccino and heated-up croissant from Manuel, and Mari and I make our way to the shop. ‘I wish you’d just spit it out,’ Mari says, unable to let it go.

Later on in the day, Mari’s kneeling down on the floor, spectacles perched on her nose, examining some of the handwritten labels on our vases.

She glances my way, telling me we need to reprice some of the stock because she needs to shift this lot before going on a buying trip early next year. I agree. ‘I could make a Christmas sale sign in the window too,’ I tell her, thankful that I’m going to be kept busy today.

As I’m about to mount my beautiful ‘For Sale’ sign in the front window I see him. I drop the board and stagger back down onto the shop floor. ‘I’m not here!’ I say, squeezing past Mari and all the vases, heading for the stairs. ‘Tell him I’m not here!’

‘Why? Who is it?’ Mari stares at me. ‘Oh, it’s not Guy, is it?’ she says now, swinging round. ‘This is ridiculous!’

‘Just tell him,’ I beseech, before crashing down the stairs.

‘Mari, hi. How are you?’ he asks, but before she answers he says, ‘Is Gilly here?’

Ruskin barks.

‘Hey, Ruskin! Gilly? Is she here?’

‘Um. Sorry, Guy you’ve just missed her,’ Mari replies.

‘Oh. Really?’

I hear the rustle of paper.

‘They’re lovely. Beautiful flowers.’

‘Mari, can I stay here until she gets back? I really need to talk to her.’

‘I’m afraid she left for the day. She wasn’t feeling great this morning.’

Well done, Mari, you’re doing well.

‘Left?’ he persists.

‘She went home.’

‘Why didn’t she take Ruskin then?’

‘Did I say home?’ She laughs falsely.

‘Mari, you’re talking rubbish. She just doesn’t want to talk to me, does she?’

Silence. I hesitate. Come on, I tell myself. Talk to him. Get up and go upstairs. Talk to him. What do you think you’re doing?

‘I don’t know what’s going on between you two,’ Mari finally says, ‘but she doesn’t want to see you right now, Hatman.’

‘Fine. Fine,’ he repeats impatiently. ‘Tell Gilly that when she’s ready to talk I’m around.’

I hear the tinkle of the door.

‘I’m never going to do that for you again,’ Mari berates me when I join her upstairs. ‘I won’t pay you until you tell me what’s going on.’

‘That’s blackmail,’ I smile ashamedly, knowing I shouldn’t have made Mari lie for me.

‘Call it what you like, nada money until you tell me.’

‘Mari, can I take a week off?’

‘Gilly, you’re worrying me. Are you in trouble?’

‘No. I just need to get away.’ And then I tell her.

Later that night, I meet Anna and Susie for drinks. They both insist I need to talk to Guy, echoing Mari’s advice too.

‘OK, he’s engaged,’ Anna says carefully, ‘but I always think you should tell people how you feel. I told Paul, and in the end he worked it out for himself. At least tell Guy how you feel. How do you feel?’ she adds.

‘Confused,’ I say.

Susie tells me she’s taking the children to Aldeburgh in Suffolk for five days to see her parents. She’s sure they’d love to see me too. The house will be cold, she warns me, but there are some lovely fish-and-chip pubs and the sea air is always good for the mind and soul. ‘Would you like to come with us?’ she asks.

‘Go,’ Anna encourages me. ‘Get out of London.’

46

Susie, the children, Ruskin and I go on long coastal walks, I read to my goddaughter, Rose, before bedtime and play cards with Susie’s parents, Tom and Diane. They are an interesting, glamorous couple. Over supper they tell me about their old life in New York, and how Tom had set up a jewellery company on Manhattan Avenue. ‘It was always my dream to live in America,’ Tom said.

When both the children and the parents are in bed, Susie and I stay up chatting and drinking red wine until the early hours of the morning. I soak up her company; being with her is like basking in the sunshine. I also have some time to write. During the day I find a quiet space in the house and plot my novel in my head and make notes on each character. This is exactly what I needed, I tell Susie, thanking her for inviting me. Susie agrees with my sentiments and says, ‘I love Mark, but it’s good for me to get away too.’

The best thing about Aldeburgh, however, is that there is no reception, nor do Susie’s parents own a television. So for a week my mobile is dead and I don’t have to talk to anyone. Nor am I reminded of the approaching final of
Stargazer
, with all the accompanying adverts. Instead I have time to think. At night my thoughts are dark. I lie in bed and imagine being old and sitting in a rocking chair that overlooks the sea, reflecting on my life. I know I’d have regrets. I’d feel sorry that I didn’t have a closer relationship with my mother. Nick and I chose to live with our father, we made a pact that we twins would always stay together, and Nick was determined not to forgive Mum, so my choice was made. I think about Guy and how I feel about him. I replay our kiss over and over in my mind. I know now I was never in love with Jack. Or Ed.

In the morning I’m brighter. I think about the more practical things, for example the list of things I need to do when I return home, starting with looking for another Monday to Friday man and the second, more important thing: writing. No excuses any more, Gilly. Susie’s father followed his dream and lived in America. I need to do the same.