Mommywood (23 page)

Once my dad passed away there was family closure. He had kept me tied to that family. Without him there was no guilt and no strings. I felt free to go on with my life. A new family emerged (my friends, Dean) and grew (Liam, Stella). I still worried about escaping my past. But one thing I‘ve realized about being a mother is that I don‘t have to figure it all out overnight. I‘ll make mistakes, but if I continue to be thoughtful and present, I‘ll notice them and try to fix them. As a mom I want always to be a work in progress. It‘s the best guarantee I have that I won‘t replicate my relationship with my mother.

My father and Nanny aren‘t around to be the active grandparents I always imagined for my children. When I used to look up at my father with my big brown eyes, he‘d do anything for me. I know it would have been the same when Stella looked up at him with her big blue eyes. Liam looks so much like my dad that it makes me feel like my father‘s nearby. And I know that Nanny can see that I listened when she taught me how to be a good person, how to be the person I am today. I remember every moment of that. I know that who I am as a mom comes from what she taught me. I miss both Daddy and Nanny, while at the same time as I feel like they‘re still with me.

Raising normal kids in Hollywood sometimes feels like an oxymoron. Giving my kids that down-to-earth upbringing I always fantasized about is especially hard for me since I‘ve never lived anywhere else or worked in any other business. I mean, I have a feeling I constructed all those fantasies about a

―normal childhood from seeing ―normal families on TV

shows. There is no question my kids will be Hollywood kids.

Liam may always prefer the weeklies to
Goodnight Moon,
and I‘m sure I‘ll pass the fashion bug on to Stella. But with Dean, I will find a balance for them. I know what‘s most important: time with my kids, time as a family, time to explore the world together, make discoveries, and talk about the lessons we learn.

Love shines through everything. No matter how blinding the paparazzi flashbulbs may be, I know that my children will always feel my arms around them, actually or figuratively, and they‘ll see beyond the superficial interference.

Liam is still a Daddy‘s boy. For now. A few days ago Dean took Liam and went to get Jack for the day. The boys were together from two p.m. to eight p.m. When they got home I said,

―Hi, Monkey! I missed you, but Liam wouldn‘t even look at me. He just said, ―Daddy, Daddy. I got his Goldfish crackers and said I‘d open the packet for him. He said, ―No! Daddy, Daddy. All week I‘ve been putting him to bed. The first night he had a tantrum, crying, ―Daddy, Daddy, my daddy. I spent forty-five minutes talking him through it. I said, ―Daddy went night-night. He‘s sleeping. Now it‘s time for you to go to sleep.

I love you. You‘re fine. You‘re safe. I said the same things over and over again. But there wasn‘t one moment when I felt tired or frustrated. (Thank you, Mimi, for teaching me patience.) Finally, he calmed down and snuggled into bed. I said, ―Good night, angel. I love you.

I walked away from Liam‘s bedroom feeling very proud of myself. When I got to our bedroom Dean said, ―That was an ordeal, right? But no, it hadn‘t felt like an ordeal. I was happy to spend forty-five minutes making my child feel comfortable and safe. I couldn‘t imagine having anything better to do with my time. I was confident. It felt natural. I wasn‘t a new, inexperienced parent anymore. I was a real mother, and it made me happy to see my son growing, to see Liam realizing that he could go to sleep with me instead of Dean. I saw it as a breakthrough. I told Dean, ―No, it was fine. We‘re adjusting a learned behavior. It takes time.

Dean and I are learning to share our parenting, to balance experience and inexperience, and to talk through the hard patches. We don‘t have to be on the same page every minute. No matter how busy our day is or if we‘re having a disagreement, we always take moments throughout the day to stop, to hug and kiss, and to tell each other how much we love each other. Dean is really good at initiating that. Our challenge is to balance the newness of our family with our different experiences. But undertaking new adventures with the wisdom and experience that life brings is what it‘s all about. Dean is my soul mate, and I‘m always grateful to be growing a family with him.

Just the other night, Dean went to take Liam up to bed.

Liam turned and said, ―Mama. My heart. Oh my God! He was in Dean‘s arms but he wanted me. I took him, trying to be cool. I said to Dean, ―Isn‘t this good?

And Dean said, ―My heart‘s breaking a little bit right now, but yes, it‘s good. Halfway up the stairs Liam changed his mind. He reached out for Dean. But for those first five steps he wanted his mama. There‘s hope for me yet.

There are worse things for my children than a Hollywood childhood. I have some fond memories of my own. I think again about the Christmas snow that my parents famously arranged to have delivered to our backyard so their Los Angeles children would have a white Christmas. I‘m definitely doing it. I don‘t know how much it costs, but even if all I can afford is to spread bags of crushed ice across a sandbox, I‘m doing it. The Christmas snow is something Jenny, Mehran, and my other friends have been hearing about for years. The snow wasn‘t really a family tradition; my parents only did it twice. But that extravagance—the jokes we‘ve made about it over the years—

that
is a tradition between me and my friends. We‘ll have a big chuckle over doing it for our children. And I know that over the years we‘ll create our own traditions—simple traditions, extravagant ones, silly ones, and romantic ones. I look at my children—they‘re still so small—and feel grateful for the years of memories that we have ahead of us.

I spent so long wanting and trying to change my life. I‘ve accepted and embraced ―Tori Spelling, and I‘m trying in my work to make the most out of being true to myself. The same goes for me as a mother. My kids may not have a normal life. I may be raising them in Mommywood. But I love them, and no matter if we‘re appearing on red carpets, getting the neighbors in a tizzy, or being documented in weekly magazines, love is love.

Acknowledgments

In my first book,
sTORI telling,
I thanked the friends, family, and colleagues who were instrumental in my life as I was growing up and were supportive of the woman I had become.

I‘m happy to say that the cast of characters hasn‘t changed. All of those same wonderful people still have my eternal gratitude and love!

For this book I‘d like to thank the people who have been a huge part in making me the mom I am today.

Dean…Babe, thank you for giving me our two beautiful babies and loving us to no end. You have made me the confident wife and mother I am today, and I am hopelessly in love with you forever. You and I together have created a beautiful family and love story, my prince! You are our everything.

Mehi…I always knew you loved me, but the love you‘ve shown my children has amazed me. As my gay husband you‘ve stepped up and taken on daddy duties when needed. Who knew you would jump in to change a poopy diaper? I love you for that. I love you for all that you are to me and my family. You are eternally my Chic Rock!

Jenny…Thank you for being the wealth of baby knowledge that you are. I look to you as a young woman looks to her mom when she becomes a mom herself. Your guidance has been invaluable and your love for family is priceless. You are my sister, my best friend, and one
hell
of an aunt! With you my kids will never have a shortage of love and laughter.

Scout and Bill…Liam and Stella‘s Guncles! I always longed for family members who would shower my own children with love, support, and gifts. Now I have them. I tear up every time I see you with my babies and see how your love for them is so abundant and effortless. When my children are with you I feel 100 percent safe. And, with all of my irrational fears, we all know how hard it is for me to achieve that feeling of safety.

Amy and Sara…Thank you for being true girlfriends and sisters to me. I love that my kids have such loving aunts.

To Jennifer, Marcel, Suzanne, and Brandy…I love you with all my heart and am so happy that you are a part of my children‘s lives. Each of you has a unique personality that will indeed add to their character and true being.

Daddy and Nanny…Your love and guidance made me the parent I am today. I hope I have made you proud and I know you look down on your two beautiful grandchildren every day with smiles from above.

Jack…You are an amazing big brother! Liam and Stella adore you and so do I.

Mimi…Thank you for teaching me patience and loving me till the end. You will always be in my heart.

Uncle Danny and Aunt Kay…Thank you for being so good to my kids. You shower them with love and gifts and me with endless encouragement.

My dogs…Thanks for your patience with the kids. Tail-pulling can‘t be fun!

Isabel, Patsy, and Paola…Thank you for loving my babies as if they were your own. All three of you are dear family to us.

Dr. J…Thanks for bringing my two beautiful babies into this world safely, expertly, and with a few laughs along the way.

Dr. Wexler…Thanks for your patience, kindness, and guidance toward couple and mommywood bliss.

Dr. Sonya Gohill…Thank you for your amazing care of Liam and Stella and always patiently dealing with all of my questions and irrational fears.

Ruthanne…To call you my amazing agent doesn‘t do you justice; to call you my champion does. You‘re my wingman and my friend for life. Let‘s continue to build the dream together. I love you!

Gueran…Others crumbled, you rallied. You believed, therefore I am. Super agent, even better friend. My family is eternally grateful to you. T Bag 4 Life!

Jacob…You have been a great agent to Dean and me, but your friendship is beyond. We are as dedicated to you as you are to us. Fish tank or no fish tank.

Meghan and Jill…You helped the Little Engine That Could get to the top of the hill and now it‘s full steam ahead. You are amazing publicists, but your personal investment in and unbelievable dedication to me and my family has made you friends for life.

Jamie…You‘ve been an amazing lawyer and friend. I know you have
big
clients, yet you still take time to be instrumental in building, executing, and protecting all of my dreams.

Oxygen…Thank you for being the network that believed, cultivated, and built my dream.

World of Wonder…Your passion and excitement make me believe in myself. Your love for my family makes you all dear friends.

Thank you to the rest of my team for your hard work and love…Rachael at PMK; my agents at UTA; my lawyers at Jackoway, Tyerman, Wertheimer, Austin, Mandelbaum & Morris; and Gary, Eleanor, and everyone at Kessler Schneider.

And to the key players who made this book possible…

Hilary Liftin…Once again you captured my voice to a tee.

You make my book
me.
And we have fun doing it! Thank you.

And ohhh, the stories I already have for our next book!

Dan Strone…Thanks again for making my second book a reality.

Jen Bergstrom…my fabulous publisher, who
so
gets me.

Thank you for always believing in me and encouraging me to
rock it
!

Patrick Price…My talented and hilarious editor and friend.

The ride with you has been amazing and it makes me want to do another book just to continue our witty email banters. You make me confident and you make me smile.

Michael Nagin…Thank you, my talented art director, for always letting my type-A personality be a part of the process down to the miniscule details.

Mike Rosenthal…Again, thank you for capturing the essence of me and my book in photographs.

Jennifer Robinson…Thank you for your hard work, continuing to make people aware and garner my stories great publicity.

And

to

Simon

Spotlight

Entertainment/Simon

&

Schuster…Thanks again for giving my voice a home.

This book is dedicated to Liam and Stella: my beautiful babies, my angels on earth, my greatest gifts ever, and the best part of me. I love you with all that I am.

Love, Tori