Momfriends (12 page)

“You did,” she asked, with a small smile. “Well, I do.”

“Well, good. You just need to cook for a half hour at 400. And if you don’t want to eat it in the next few days, I would cook it and throw it in the freezer.”

“Thanks. Thank you so much. That’s so nice, I mean, wow, thank you,” she said. She took the pie out of my hands and slowly turned it from side to side. Really it was only a pie plate covered in tin foil, but for a minute I thought she might cry. That was not my intention at all.

She looked down at Sage and over at Naomi, who was still thankfully asleep in her sling. I saw the expression on her face trying to figure out if Sage was a girl or a boy. “Who are these folks?”

“This is my son, Sage,” I said, putting my hands in his hair. Lately, I had been preemptively making his gender clear as often as possible. “Can you say hi, sweetheart?”

“Hi,” Sage said and grabbed onto my leg.

“Is that your sister?” Ruth asked.

“Yes,” Sage nodded. “She seven months old and Mama give nanas.”

“Breast-feeding,” I explained. “It’s fascinating.”

“It certainly is,” she said, still smiling at him. “What is your sister’s name?”

“Naomi and Julissa.”

“How nice,” Ruth said. She looked up at me.

“Julissa is at school right now,” I explained.

“For a hap hour,” Sage explained.

“Well, it’s an hour and a half, honey,” I said. I wanted him to understand that we had more time. There was no reason to worry. And I realized that it might have sounded like I wanted to spend that time with Ruth. I explained. “We are going to head to the grocery store and pick up some supplies. We wanted to make sure you were ok and bring you the pie.”

“Oh, you aren’t going to stay?” Ruth asked. “You guys can come in.”

“We don’t want to bother you, for real,” I said. “You should put him down and get a nap yourself.”

“Oh, I can’t sleep right now,” Ruth, said. “I’m too happy enjoying the quiet. He was up all night last night. I thought that babies were supposed to need around twenty hours of sleep a day. Not this guy. But it looks like Naomi has that figured out. Maybe she can come in and teach Abe.”

“Don’t be fooled, she is putting on a good show, right now.” This was a lie. Naomi really was the mellowest of my kids, but I had battled the front lines with the first two. There was no need to admit what an easy baby Naomi was.

“Well, we would love the company,” Ruth said. She looked like she meant it. She looked lonely. Naomi stirred a little. It probably wouldn’t hurt to be somewhere where I could easily feed her if she woke up. Besides, we had a parking spot right in front of her apartment. It was almost too good to give up.

“Are you sure? We really don’t want to disturb you.”

“Honestly,” Ruth said. “All I’m going to do is sit here wondering what I’ve done with my life if you don’t come in.”

I laughed. I had a brief glimpse of the type of woman Ruth had been before she became a mom. What she said struck me. I had been wondering what I was doing with my life for a while now.

“Ok, come on, Sage, let’s go in for a visit.”

Sage hesitated a moment and peered around the door. I thought he was going to give me trouble. He looked up at Ruth and she smiled at him. He contemplated it all for a moment and then went in.

I shrugged and followed.

“Can I get you some tea or coffee or maybe, I don’t know, a glass of wine. Do you do that? I mean I guess you are supposed to pump and dump.”

“My milk is precious,” I said. “I haven’t dumped an ounce in my life. And yes, I do wine. I would love a very small glass. I am driving. I’ll have some water, too, but I can get it.”

“Really, it’s no trouble,” Ruth said. She walked swiftly to the kitchen. I thought about insisting, but part of me knew she was probably embarrassed that Claudia and I saw her at such a rough time. It was a point of pride that she was the hostess in her house.

“Pretty nice to be able to drink during the day,” she said, when we were settled with our glasses of wine. “I am wondering when that responsibility thing really kicks in.”

“Well, believe me, it’s overrated,” I said. “But once you get it, there’s no going back.”

“Awesome,” Ruth said and then she laughed a little too loud as if it had been a while since she heard her own voice. She glanced at Abe to see if she woke him. He stayed asleep. “I’m really playing with fire, aren’t I?”

“You’re living on the edge,” I confirmed.

When she finished her wine and poured herself a little more. She looked over at me to see if I was judging her. I wasn’t.

“So you co-sleep,” Ruth asked out of the blue. It seemed like something she had been thinking about. I expected to have to explain my choice to her or deal with the silent judgment. But instead she said, “How is that?”

“It’s nice, in some ways,” I said. David had been more of a proponent of that in the beginning and I had to be sold. He was way more into the “attachment parenting” thing. I think the co-sleeping was his way of feeling closer because I was the primary caregiver and I had the boobs. “I mean, the kids like it so much and it’s easier to do night feedings, but of course sometimes you wish you had your space. Sometimes I would give anything to lie on my stomach and stretch my arms and legs out like a snow angel.”

I hadn’t said that aloud ever. I hadn’t even realized I felt that way. I set my wine down and took some sips of water.

“Yes, I was so looking forward to being able to sleep on my stomach when Abe was born, but now that he’s here, when I try to sleep on my stomach it feels like a rubber tire and I can’t take the pressure on my boobs. I don’t know if I could ever have him in my bed. As it is, with him in my room, I jump at every little noise. And even though I rarely nurse him in the bed, when I do get into a deep sleep I often wake up thinking that I’m still holding him, that I’ve suffocated him or something.” She looked at me, like she had revealed too much. The wine was hitting her quick.

“A lot of people feel that way. A lot of women worry about that.”

“Do they?” she asked. She picked up her wineglass and looked through the wine at me. “I guess I just wish I knew more people around to tell me that stuff, to tell me, you know, that I’m not going completely crazy. None of my friends have kids, I can’t ask my mother-in-law. I ask my mom stuff, but she’s in Boston. I don’t know . . . I mean how did anybody ever learn stuff? How could people be moms? Some of it is instinct, right, but for some of it seems you need experience . . . and advice. How did they know?”

“You mean the women of ancient times?”

“Yeah,” she said, smiling. “You know, like the ones who you keep hearing about who squatted and popped their kids out and went back to doing whatever there were doing. You know, the ones who made the slings.”

“Are you talking about the Maya wrap? Are you talking about the Mayans?”

“Yeah, the Mayans or the Aztecs or the cavewomen or whoever lived in a time before Oprah and guilt and a mother-in-law.”

“Well, I think, and I’m no anthropologist,” I said, giggling and taking another sip of wine, “that probably when you had a baby back then, the rest of the women in the tribe or whatever—”

“—the clan—”

“—yeah, the clan they would come over and circle around you and help you out and make sure you had food—”

“—and knew how to tie the proper Mayan wrap—”

“—and made sure your baby latched on—

“–and help you be on your feet after you popped out the kid—”

“—yes, back to work, back to being the gatherer in the hunter-gatherer equation. You know, but I think the other women, kind of checked in and made sure you were, you know, ok. It was called being a part of the community.”

“Kind of what you’re doing,” she said. She smiled at me.

“Kind of,” I said. We sat quietly for a minute. Honestly, I wasn’t expecting anything back; it made me feel good to help her out. And I was enjoying being with another mother without feeling as though I was working or selling something. It had been a long time, since I just hung out. “You know, I might have a splash more wine. A little bit.”

“Make those gatherers proud,” Ruth said. She passed me the bottle of wine.

Feeling me shift, Naomi let out a yelp. I shifted her onto my breast as quickly as possible, but it was too late, the damage was done, Abe was awake.

“I’m sorry,” I said. “I knew she was going to wake up soon.”

“No, it’s ok, I think he’s hungry too.”

Ruth put Abe on her breast. She winced when he latched on. Sage crept over and stood right in front of them.

“Sage, honey, can you give Ruth and Abe some space, please?”

Sage turned his head toward me, but didn’t look away. He pointed a tiny chubby finger at Ruth. “Nanas.”

“He’s amazed,” I stage whispered to Ruth. “Is this ok?”

“Yeah, it’s fine. I’m starting to appreciate my breasts in a whole new way. They aren’t something to use to get favors anymore.”

I looked up at her, thinking I misheard, but I saw from her face that I hadn’t. I laughed.

She looked down at Sage and smiled. “He’s a sweetheart.”

“Thank you,” I said. Lately when people looked at Sage, I worried that they were going to say something mean. The whole ride over I had been imagining what the supermarket cashiers would say about his headband. I hated feeling this way, but I worried that my son was different somehow. It was normal for kids to play dress-up, but Sage seemed to be identifying as a girl. He was starting preschool next year, no, not next year, in three months. The boys in Julissa’s class all seemed so tough and boyish. What did the tough world have in store for my little guy?

Naomi finished eating and looked around Ruth’s house, curiously.

“Where are we?” I asked her. “This is Ruth’s house. I’m going to put her down. She is just starting to sit up and desperately wants to crawl.”

“Wow, already,” Ruth said.

“Yeah, each one has started faster. The older ones influence them. It’s amazing.”

I put Naomi down on her tummy, and she immediately did a few rolls.

“Wow,” Ruth said really impressed or maybe just slightly drunk. Sage took the opportunity to climb into my lap. He snuggled into the crook of my neck. Ruth sighed.

“I’m looking forward to that. I’ve gotten some smiles, which have made all the crying and craziness almost worth it, but to actually get a hug?” Ruth shook her head. “That must be awesome.”

“It is.” I closed my eyes and breathed the special smell of Sage’s head. Maybe my little guy could handle the tough cruel world just fine. Maybe he wouldn’t have to change and he could change everyone else.

“Mama, Jules,” Sage reminded me.

“You’re right, honey, we should get going. We still have time to stop at the grocery store.” We had been at Ruth’s for almost forty-five minutes. I didn’t want to overstay my welcome or put pressure on Ruth to be a good hostess.

“Thanks for coming over and thanks for the chicken potpie. We’ll have it for dinner tonight. I can’t wait to have a home-cooked meal. It’s been a ton of takeout and frozen food.”

“I hope you enjoy it.”

“Where are you parked?” Ruth asked.

“I got a great spot right out front.”

“Nice,” Ruth said. “I can help you, I’ll just pop Abe in the swing for a minute.”

“You sure? That would be great, give me a chance to get both of them in their seats. Naomi can be a little unwieldy in the sling. Would you mind grabbing her? Can you manage?”

“Sure,” Ruth said. She picked Naomi up and gasped in surprise. “Wow, I can’t believe how much heavier she is than Abe. And so much more in control. You are so big, so steady, Miss Naomi. What a big girl.”

“He’ll get there before you know it,” I said. David would have encouraged me to make a photography sales pitch at this point, but I didn’t want to corrupt the day. I collected all the items in my diaper bag. Sage managed to empty out the whole thing in no time. I put Sage’s sweatshirt on and pulled the sling over my neck. I mentally made sure I had everything. “Abe, we’ll see you soon, I hope. Be good to your mama. Sage, do you want to say good-bye to Abe and Ruth and say thank you for such a nice afternoon.”

Sage ran over to Abe so fast that I wasn’t sure what he was going to do, but he bent down and gauged the speed of the swing so he could go in for a gentle kiss on the head. He bumped his head a little on the swing, but he didn’t seem to mind.

“That was great, buddy,” I said. “Nice and gentle. Do you have a kiss for Ruth?”

Ruth awkwardly bent down, trying to manage the larger weight of Naomi and Sage pressed his forehead into her.

“Thanks, Sage. Thanks for the kiss and the company.”

“You welcome,” Sage said, very clearly.

Ruth walked me to the door. She hesitated and I think, even though the car was parked about seven yards from the door, she didn’t want to leave Abe by himself.

“You know, you guys wait here and I’ll get Sage into his car seat and then come back for Naomi, ok?”

“Thanks,” Ruth said, relieved.

I unlocked the doors with the button on my key chain and opened up the back to put Sage in. I had my back to the traffic on the street. And as I started putting him in, my diaper bag slipped down my shoulder a little so I set it on the floor of the car and I buckled him up. Our car was a mess. It was a used truck that we had to buy to accommodate every possible child-seat contraption. It totally wasn’t our style, with power locks and windows, but it had the space we needed. We had an infant car seat, a toddler car seat and a booster seat. All methods of automotive child safety were accounted for. I clicked Sage in and checked the straps like I always did. It made him feel safer. Car safety was another one of his anxieties.

“There you go, buddy, nice and tight. Now Mama will be right back. I’m going to go up and get Naomi.” I closed the car door and leaned into our truck as a car went by. It was a little close, but I smiled at Sage to reassure him. I ran back up to Ruth’s stoop, hoping that Sage wouldn’t have time to get too upset when he realized he was alone in the car.

I got up to the stoop and took Naomi from Ruth. I thanked Ruth again and then I realized what I had done.