Moments of Julian (21 page)

“
My senior year of high
school, I started getting into some stupid stuff. I started going
to a lot of parties. I didn’t care about my grades much anymore.
And there was this boy I really wanted.” I squeeze my eyes closed
for a moment and swallow hard. “James Theodore.”

My voice sticks for a while and it
takes me a moment to get it to work again. Julian just waits
silently.

“
He was on the baseball
team. We were good at our school. Very good. James and his three
best friends were on track to play in the pros in just a few
years.” My stomach feels sick. “Every girl wanted to be with James.
Of course I did. And finally I caught his attention. We went on a
few dates.”

I bite my lip and my fingers squeeze
tight, turning my skin white. “He invited me to a party. We’d
kissed and made out quite a few times by that point, and in my book
that made us boyfriend and girlfriend, so of course I was thrilled
to go.”

I lean back in the chair
and wrap my arms around my torso. I will
not
fall apart.

“
I got really drunk that
night. Everyone was drinking. And we were all having such a good
time. And James was all over me that night. I liked it. I liked the
attention.”

I shake my head and swallow hard,
trying to keep the contents of my stomach down.

“
James led us to one of
the bedrooms. There wasn’t anyone inside. So we went in, took a few
drinks with us, and locked the door.” My breath catches in my
throat and I am immediately back in that room. My thoughts were
spinning slightly, but everything felt fun and light and free that
night. I hated the smell of so much alcohol in the house, but
everything felt like it was going perfect. “James and I had sex in
that room. I don’t really remember much about it, but I do remember
that I wanted to do it.”

One tear leaks out my eye and I wipe
it away absentmindedly.

“
But things started
getting blurry. We kept drinking on and off and were having a good
time. And then James wanted to do it again. I was thrilled. But
then everything was just fuzzy and blurry. And then I woke up
somewhere else in the house on the floor about six hours
later.”

My hands curl into fists under my arms
and my teeth clench hard.

“
I had known I was going
to be sore after my first time doing it,” I say. My voice is hoarse
and doesn’t quite want to work right. “But I couldn’t begin to
walk. Some girl I didn’t know very well but was still at the party
helped me into the bathroom where I started throwing up so hard I
thought I was going to die.

“
And then I noticed there
were four signatures on my underwear. James and his three
friends.”

Julian swears and a rainbow of
emotions flash across his eyes. He leans forward, resting his
elbows on his knees and presses his mouth into his
fists.

“
I couldn’t really process
what might have happened at first. I called Drake to pick me up and
went home. I wouldn’t really say anything and didn’t really move or
breathe or eat. My parents were freaking out. Eventually, I told
them what I did remember.”

I close my eyes and recall the
humiliation and fear I felt. Telling my parents that not only had I
been drinking but that I’d lost my virginity was horrifying. But I
needed them.

“
They took me to the ER
and I got a lot of tests. James had given me a date rape drug while
we were doing it. I went into bed with him willingly, but he wanted
to keep me that way for his friends. All three of them took
advantage of me while I was helpless.”

Julian shakes his head and squeezes
his eyes shut. A stream of tears snake their way down his
face.

“
Thankfully I didn’t get
any STD’s and they gave me a morning after pill,” I say, rubbing my
hands up and down my arms. “My parents called the police and they
interviewed me and I told them what happened. They had the records
from the hospital as undeniable proof.

“
All of them were over
eighteen and they all plead guilty. They each got five years in
prison.”

“
That’s who grabbed you at
the reunion, wasn’t it?” Julian asks. His voice is husky and
rough.

I nod. “That was Peter, one of James’
friends. James was there, so was Travis. I’m sure Keaton was there
too.” I shake my head and close my eyes. Recalling the feeling of
Peter’s demanding hands on me makes me want to vomit.

“
Sage, I—”

“
That experience changed
my life,” I interrupt him. “I stopped messing around. I focused on
school and on making myself someone. Someone who could never be
touched or effected by guys like that again. I told myself that I’d
never drink and I’d never have sex again. And I haven’t. I will
never put myself in a position like that, ever. I love being with
you, Julian, and you make me feel things I didn’t think it was
possible for someone like me to feel again, but I just—”

Julian leans forward and
takes my hands solidly in his. The physical contact surprises me
and my eyes snap to his. “I understand, Sage, and I will
never,
never
ask
you to compromise that commitment.”

I lock eyes with him and
my lower lip begins to tremble. Part of me is so happy to see him
again, and so relieved that he knows the truth. “But I could never
ask you to be with me when I can never
be
with you in that way. You are a
man and I know how you work. I mean it though when I say I won’t
have sex with anyone. Not unless I happen to find someone who I can
trust for the rest of my life and he puts a ring on this
finger.”

I expect this to frighten Julian. I
expect this to be too serious and too heavy and too personal for
him to bear.

But instead, I see firmness in his
eyes.

“
Sage, I have never once
stopped thinking about you since the first night we met. I have
never wanted to be with a person so bad in my life. Yes, I want to
have sex with you. But having sex is not the only aspect to loving
someone. I will gladly wait and maybe you will decide that I am not
someone you can trust for the rest of your life, but I sure am
going to try my damn hardest to show you that I am.”

My phone starts to ring at the same
time I crush my lips to Julian’s.

We are fire and stars and painful
want. I climb up into Julian’s lap and my skirt bunches up around
my waist to accommodate my position. Julian’s hands are pressed
firmly into my back and his lips are moving in sync with
mine.

There is a cosmic shift happening
inside of me. That wall I’ve put around myself comes crumbling
down, revealing something beautiful and fragile and strong at the
same time. It shines so bright it threatens to blind me, but it is
something I know I could never look away from.

Some people change you. Some bring
about the good in you and help rise you up to your full potential.
And some people come in and fill all the holes in your soul. Some
people are just made to fill your missing pieces from a life before
you were born.

Julian’s hands go to my hips and he
stands, me firmly locked around him. He makes his way to the wall
beside our chair and presses my back to it, pinning me between his
body and the wall. Fire ignites in my lower belly and my breath
catches in my throat.

I push Julian’s coat off his shoulders
and he lets it slip to the ground in a heap. I pop five of his
buttons off when I tear his shirt open. He furiously finishes
pulling it off himself.

Once again gripping my hips, he
carries me toward the bed and we tumble onto it. His lips never
leaving mine, he unbuttons my shirt with skill and
quickness.

His lips drop to my jawline, and then
my neck. Very slowly, very gently, they keep moving downward, to my
chest, between my breasts.

My fingers knot in his hair and I
close my eyes.

This is bliss. This is being
alive.

And for the first time in ten years, I
feel free of the wrong that was done to me.

Julian’s lips return to mine, but his
kisses are different. They are tender and light and thoughtful. He
brings a hand up and brushes his fingertips over my cheek. I open
my eyes and he is looking down at me.

“
You are an incredible
person, Sage McCain,” he says quietly. “You have done something to
me that I do not think can ever be undone. You have embedded
yourself into my soul.”

I place my hand on his rough cheek and
stare at him.

There is an emotion that awakens in me
every time I look at him that I do not have a name for. But I do
not ever want to let it go.

“
I think I’m in love with
you,” Julian says.

My heart flutters at the truth of his
words.

“
Then don’t ever let me
go,” I breathe.

Julian leans into me once again and
presses his lips to mine.

CHAPTER
SEVENTEEN

“
What about this one?” I
ask, pointing to the paw print on the underside of his
arm.

Julian looks at it, his beautiful
green eyes locking on it.

“
My parents got me a puppy
for my sixth birthday, a yellow lab. His name was Backup. He was my
constant companion until he died when I was eighteen,” Julian says
as he traces his fingers up and down my arm.

It’s the middle of the night and we
are in the bed. Julian is wearing nothing but his boxer briefs and
I am in a tank and underwear. He lies back on the bed, displaying
his beautiful canvas. I lie on my stomach, propped up on my elbows.
I’ve been asking what his tattoos mean, one by one.

“
And this one?” I ask,
pointing to the image of Peter Pan on his forearm.

“
A reminder to never grow
up too much,” he says with a smile.

I smile too, and remember our
conversation about him turning thirty.

Julian is covered in tattoos. He has
an anchor, a series of moons that cover his side from his hip to
just under his arm. There is a Celtic knot and the Dohring family
crest. There are two hearts on his back, over his own heart that he
explained are for the love he has for his birthparents for
conceiving him and loving him enough to put him with a good
family.

“
I’ve always wanted a
tattoo,” I admit as I trail my fingers down his sleeve. “Not
something anyone else could see, but something that meant something
to me. I’ve always been too scared of the pain though.”

“
Pain only lasts for a
little while,” Julian says. “The meaning behind the images lasts
forever though.”

I press a kiss to his bellybutton and
then lay my head on his stomach. “Maybe someday.”

“
Please let me come if you
ever get one,” Julian says hopefully. Both of us
chuckle.

“
So,” I say, looking up at
him. “You remember how you told me you were a plus one at the Digit
banquet?”

A smile spreads on Julian’s face.
“Yeah…that wasn’t quite the truth. Gideon invited me
personally.”

“
So you really weren’t
crashing the party,” I tease him. “But you did show up to the party
alone. Glad to hear I wasn’t hooking up with some other poor girls
intended date.”

“
Like I said,” he smiles.
“I haven’t been any girl’s date in quite some time.”

My eyes flicker away from his when the
question comes to my mind. I consider dropping it, but there has
been a change between Julian and I and suddenly I have to
know.

“
How many serious
girlfriends have you ever had?” I ask. I try to put a teasing smile
on my lips when I ask it, but I don’t think I am very
successful.

Julian bites his lower lip for a
moment and I can see the thoughts carefully forming behind his
eyes.

He knows exactly what I am really
asking.

What I really want to know is how many
women he’s ever had sex with.

“
Well, I had a girlfriend
pretty soon after I first moved to Bothell,” he says, brushing his
fingers over my cheek. “We were only together for just over two
months. But she was actually my first. I was twenty.”

It does make me jealous to
hear about any type of woman in Julian’s past. A woman who has seen
him,
all
of him,
and
been
with
him. But like he said, the past is what makes us who we
are.

“
I dated this other girl
about a year later,” Julian continues. His eyes drift up to the
ceiling and I feel a sadness wash over him. “It was short, maybe a
few weeks. And then two years later, there was Alana.”

There’s a hard edge to his voice that
stands out in a noticeable way.

“
We actually lived
together for two years. When we’d met, I was starting to make solid
money from the Blue Wall. And I kept making more when we were
together.”

I see his Adam’s apple bob up and down
as he swallows hard. His eyes are still glued to the roof above our
heads. “It took me a long while to realize that the longer we were
together, the more she was only still with me because of the money.
She’d say anything to keep me happy and then go and take my credit
card out for a night with her friends. Alana always said one thing
when you could tell something else was going on behind her
eyes.”