Moho (Part One: Rise of a Symbol) (28 page)

Once again I wake up drenched in sweat. I finally know that Pax didn't cause those nightmares because they didn't end with Pax. Were those dreams at all? Maybe what I saw in my sleep were memories. Ravi claimed that we all originate from The Spring
and that we all are part of a continuous cycle - but I'm not. I'm from somewhere else entirely. And I let Aleeya take me away from my home. I agreed to this. It's all my fault. Now I know how Pax felt the night before her Darkening because I feel just as homesick.

I’m going to explode if I stay inside the dorm for another second
so I storm outside and run aimlessly across Center Island. The cool night air feels good on my irritated body. When I stop to take a breath, I realize that I ended up right in front of Cosmo's statue. Cosmo… is he behind all of this? When my heartbeat slows down and my breathing becomes silent, I hear the slow breathing of someone else, someone who is standing right behind me. I can feel that someone else's breath on the back of my neck but I'm afraid to turn around.

"What a crucial day it has been," she says.

"Oh, thank The Spring!" I say and turn around to Aleeya. "You scared me."

"Are you alright, my dear? You look alarmingly exhausted," she notices correctly.

"How is it that you always show up when I need you the most?" I ask but she understands the rhetorical nature of the question and doesn't respond. "This is going to sound crazy, but is there anything you're not telling me? Something about the time before my creation?" I ask her.

"Excuse me, my dear. I'm afraid I don't know what you mean," she responds.

"I kept having those dreams lately… Tonight I had another one and it all finally came together for me. The dreams were about this kid whose entire family died. The other night I realized that I was that kid and tonight I saw you in this dream as well. I was afraid that I would die next and you offered me a new start in a new world without all those painful memories of the deaths," I say with rapidly declining confidence. I don't believe the dreams now that I've said them out loud.

"Did you accept my offer?"

"Yes. I mean who wouldn't have? You offered a solution to my fears and an end to my grief."

"My dear, you understand that it wasn't me, don't you? Your mind simply created Nightmarestars. Those were dreams, not memories," Aleeya points out.

"Right," I mumble, slightly embarrassed.

"Dreams are like little peeks into your subconscious, so you should take them seriously."

"I think those dreams simply explain why I've been looking for safety since my creationday."

"Maybe your dreams indicate that you wan't to start over?" she asks.

"I don't know. That idea would have sounded great a few days ago, but now that Pax is gone and Maya is back by my side… No, I wouldn't know why," I tell her.

"That's right. It really wouldn't make sense, my dear. There is so much more left for you to achieve, right here on Cosmo's Islands, don't you agree?" she asks.

"Well, according to the rest of the world and thanks to Aziz, I've achieved plenty already by just existing," I say.

Aleeya doesn't respond. I look at her but she simply smiles at me. The longer the moment lasts, the clearer it becomes that she isn't 'the rest of the world'.

"So you don't think I'm The Savior?" I ask.

"I know you better than that," she replies and
pats my back. She really does know me better than the rest of the world, even if so far we've barely spent any time together.

"I'm not very excited about all this fake fame myself. Fame seems only a good match for some people," I say with a nod towards the larger than life statue of Cosmo.

"Have you considered turning your fake fame into deserved fame?" she asks seriously. "Maybe it is time to live up to the expectations of all those people. You have an unprecedented amount of attention around the world right now. Don't take it for granted, it won't last. Use this attention now to shape the world."

"You say I'm not The Savior and yet it sounds like you expect great things from me," I notice.

"Proof that you are The Savior," she responds calmly.

"Where would I even start?"

"I've never liked the look of this statue. It's time for someone else on this pedestal," she says while looking at Cosmo's statue. I wonder if she is joking but she disappears before I can see the answer in her face.

Maybe it's the exhaustion after a rough night at the end of a turbulent cycle or it's the unanticipated sense of emptiness that Pax’s Darkening has caused - but I'm not as joyous about the Springday celebrations as I thought I would be. I’m super happy that Maya and I have finally found each other but now that Pax is gone, I somehow feel a little sad. Maya shows that she understands how I feel during our stroll through Center Island on our way to the Springtreegrove.

"I thought about what Pax must have experienced when she took over my mind and I've realized that I'm jealous of her," Maya says.

"Jealous? Why would you envy someone who doesn't exist anymore?" I ask.

"Think about it. For the entire time she insulted you, she wasn't in her own body. I've never had the opportunity to not be with myself. I have only been where my body has been. I would like to take a day off," she says.

"You want to take a day off from being yourself?" I ask. "What would you do?"

"I can't say because I don't know who I would be then. Let's say my essence takes over Aziz' body for a day, who would Aziz be then? Would he keep all his memories, thoughts, and dreams? Would he keep his personality? Or would he be me, just with a different body?" she wonders.

"Well, first of all he isn't a girl so mixing two genders probably leads to something else entirely," I suggest.

"Does gender really matter, though? I mean, yes, he does look different. But would you stop liking me just because I wouldn't look like myself any more?" she asks.

"I'm smelling a trap here," I say and she laughs lightheartedly but doesn't comment. "I think we like each other because our essences complete each other."

"Using my own words against me… touché!" she notes.

"Thanks. But to answer your question… well… maybe you’re right. I think I might still care about you as much as I do now even if you were in Aziz' body. I hope that the only way I judge people is by what actually defines them, their essence."

"I hope so, too," she says.

"And it's only for a day, right?" I ask.

"Right," she chuckles. "So what did you think about the Darkening yesterday?"

“I’m a bit upset, to tell the truth… Pax’s Darkening impacted me more than I had anticipated,” I admit.

“I know how you feel,” Maya says. “When the triplets got darkened, Yo-Yo said to me they will always be around, just not in a form we can see.”

“And how does that make them feel?”

“Well, it is supposed to be a punishment,” Maya argues. “I still feel them, though, even if I can’t see their bodies. Sometimes, when the wind blows through the treetops
, I think I hear their laughter again. And on days like today, when the wind is blowing through the long grass, I imagine that they are playing right in front of me, trying to catch each other," she tells me and observes how the warm wind is rushing through the grass around us.

The thought comforts me so much that, for a moment, I believe
that I see the blue light in the distance nearby a cliff overlooking the ocean. I think it forms the outline of my mother and I want to ask Maya if she can see it as well. But then the wind carries the grains of light away and I remember that those 'memories' were nothing but dreams.

"I think Pax will stay around as well. Her intensity has left a mark on me, my personality… the way I view the world. She forced me to examine myself and ask myself who I want to be. Her methods might have been too intense
, but anything less might not have had the same effect," I say and as if Pax had heard me, a twig breaks in the bushes nearby. I have to chuckle a little. Maya doesn't notice any of this. She keeps observing the dancing grass for a while before she turns back to me.

"I know what you mean… and yet, if we are honest, losing someone is impossible to process. All loss leaves is numbness. After the Darkening of the triplets, people kept telling me that things will get better over time, that I will be able to look back at this moment without getting overwhelmed by emotions - but that's not true. The truth is that I simply think about them less as time goes on. Sometimes I'm even afraid that I will forget them eventually. It's such a scary thought to me, that you put all this effort into your time on Persadia and then people forget about you… So in a way
, feeling pain because of their absence is comforting. It makes me believe that I will exist as long as people who knew me exist… I know we shouldn't be sad because no one gets darkened without a significant misstep, but…," she says and gets emotional.

I grab her by the hip and kiss her on the side of her head.

"You said The Spring only takes away one's ability to be seen, right?" I say to cheer her up.

"I like to think that, yes. I want to believe that being darkened only means having lost your ability to impact the world around you and not the end of your existence. I think Darkenings are merely there to protect all good navees," she explains.

"If there is one thing we should take away from Pax’s time on Persadia, then it's that there is no evil. She was violent, yes, but that was part of her human nature. It was not her fault that her essence contained a need for revenge. In fact, she deserves admiration for staying true to herself all the way to her end," I say to my own surprise.

"I doubt that the pain her integrity has caused deserves admiration," Maya remarks.

"But we have caused her pain as well. All she ever truly wanted was to be herself and to be a part of a community at the same time. We excluded her because she didn't fit the norm and we let her experience that social rejection, which is a silent form of violence. I can't claim that there weren't times when I was looking forward to her end, but now that it's here… I think her Darkening was not right," I say.

She doesn't openly argue with me
, but the long moment of silence says everything.

"Anyhow, we should thank The Spring that we aren't human!" she says and laughs.

"Right…," I sigh and try to laugh.

We enter the Springtreegrove. It all looks like it did last cycle
, but it feels so much better. Gone are the worries that I don't belong here. I've made a niche in this community that is shaped like me and I’ve filled it up. Maya wants to hongi but this cycle I'll stay with her and so we go to her Springtree together. Ravi is sitting with a small group of people on the ground and they all listen to his words with great interest. Maya joins them but I tell her I want to take a closer look at her Springtree. I didn't suddenly turn into a botany enthusiast, but I'd rather fake interest for a tree than for Ravi.

When I take my eyes off the tree, I see Xerxes walking straight towards me. I protect my stomach with my hand out of reflex, but then I quickly pull up my top to reveal my naked, bellybutton-free stomach. He gets it and smiles.

"You look like I was going to punch you," he says.

"Isn't that our cyclical tradition since last Springday?" I counter.

"I don't know what you're talking about," he lies.

"Pax did
…” I remember. "Why the stomach?"

"Again, I don't know what you are talking about," he claims.

"Let me rephrase that… Why would anyone hit someone in the stomach?"

"Interesting question. It's rumored that if done with sufficient force, it can cause a reconfiguration of the skin into its initial state. Like, to pick a far-fetched example, an erased bellybutton could reappear."

"Guess you have to work on your punch then," I assess.

"As I've said, it's rumored," he points out
, but we both know the truth. "Yesterday was thrilling, wasn't it? What an odd way to waste one's essence. Don't you agree?" he asks. I hope I don't know who he is referring to. Did Ravi tell him about my trip into my CEBOS last night? My heartbeat accelerates.

"
Pax’s essence," he clarifies and smiles viciously.

"I wouldn't know anything about that," I say.

"The serenity you displayed when Pax tried to provoke you was remarkable. This change of behavior is rather… unnatural. I wonder if it is merely your behavior that you have changed."

"You wouldn't actually care about that.
It’s only the appearance that you really care about, isn't it?"

"For now…," he says while his eyes wander down my body. "Look how the exterior of this tree hasn't changed since last cycle," he continues and touches the bark of Maya's Springtree. "Trees, you see, can't actually be changed. Its fruits renew itself, its leaves may change and you can trim its branches. But even though you don't see them, its roots stay what they are. And in time
, everything will grow back twice as strong… You know what I mean?"