Mockingbird (11 page)

I know Caitlin. What I meant was I’m feeling a little lost.
He grips the edge of the sink.
You’ll be starting at the . . . middle school . . . next year.

He turns and Looks At The Person.
Are you
—He stops and puts his hand over his mouth. Then he takes it away again.
Are you okay with going to . . . that school?

He sucks in his breath when I say it.

He closes his eyes.

I shrug.
I guess. They don’t have recess in middle school and I don’t like recess.

Dad opens his eyes but he still stares at the air.
If I could afford to pay for a private school for you I would.

People talk about private schools but I don’t know exactly what they are. So I ask.
Does private mean I’m the only one in the school? Because I’d like that a lot.

I shake my head.
Then I don’t want private. I’m fine with the regular one.

He nods and lets out a big breath.
Okay.

CHAPTER 24

FOUND

I DON’T HAVE MY MRS. BROOK time because she’s still visiting her difficult sister.

Instead I have to go to recess with the rest of the class and miss little kid recess. I lost my friend in little kid recess anyway so I don’t really mind. What I do mind is passing Michael’s class in the hall on the way back and seeing Josh give him a high five. I don’t look at Michael but he says,
HI CAITLIN!
even though there is No Talking In The Halls and out of the edge of my eye I see him give me our special wave except I don’t think it’s so special anymore so I don’t wave back.

My class goes to the computer lab. Mrs. Johnson says we have free time and can look up any topic we want to learn more about as long as it’s not computer games. I read about Eagle Scouts and Eagle Scout projects. None of them are as good as Devon’s chest. Except that they’re finished.

I get a recess feeling in my stomach and try not to think about the Eagle Scout project that never got to exist. Or the Eagle Scout. I start stuffed-animaling the computer monitor with the window behind it into one big grayish blur until I hear Mrs. Johnson’s voice in my ear that we have three minutes left and if there’s one last thing we want to look up now is the time.

I suddenly remember I should be researching Closure because maybe there’s even a better definition than in my Dictionary so I look it up and this is what I find:

I see Devon’s Eagle Scout project in my head and think about how much he wanted to finish it and become an Eagle Scout. And how he was going to teach me how to do woodworking too. And then I start shaking my hands fast and my Heart is pounding in my ears and it’s hard to breathe and I hear moaning and it must be me because Mrs. Johnson says,
Caitlin are you all right?
And I hear myself scream to the whole world and I think in my head,
Now I know how to experience an emotional conclusion to a difficult life event!
and Mrs. Johnson is gripping my shoulders and shaking me and I don’t even mind and she screams,
What is it? What is it?
and I shout loud enough for Devon to hear me up in Heaven,
I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT!

CHAPTER 25

HINGES

WHEN DAD PICKS ME UP EARLY at school he starts asking me about my TRM but I tell him,
We need to go to Lowe’s!

His voice keeps going but I’m too busy bouncing in the backseat to hear the words.

I run into Lowe’s and race up and down the aisles and Dad is chasing me saying,
Caitlin Caitlin! Excuse me ma’am! Sorry! Caitlin! Excuse me!
until I find the place with the hinges and I’m panting with excitement and I shake my hands for Dad to hurry up and he’s panting too and says,
CAIT-LIN!
but I say,
Which ones?
as I rattle the different-sized boxes of hinges.

He is still panting but doesn’t say anything right away until he says,
What are you talking about?

He tilts his head.
For what?

THE CHEST!
Why doesn’t he Get It?

Dad’s shoulders slump and his head falls. He puts a hand on his forehead and closes his eyes.

Can I help you?
a man in a red apron says.

I look at Dad. He is not helping so I say,
Yes,
even though I don’t like talking to strangers.
We need hinges for the chest.

I Look At The Person.
You are no help either.

He looks at Dad.

We don’t need any hinges today,
Dad says quietly.

Why not?
I ask.

Later,
he says.

He turns and starts walking down the aisle passing people who look at him and then at me. When he gets to the end of the aisle and turns right and disappears I am left with all the strangers staring at me. I start crying and run down the aisle screaming for Dad and even though I find him I cry all the way to the car and all the way home and for a long time in my hidey-hole in Devon’s room wrapped up in my purple fleece because Dad says he is not interested in working on the chest and not to ask him again for a very long time.

CHAPTER 26

EAGLE SCOUT

I GET A SPECIAL PHONE CALL AT school. It’s from Mrs. Brook. I get to go all the way to the office and talk on the phone at the front desk. Mrs. Brook says she just wants to talk to me personally and see how I’m doing because she can’t come back to school for a few more days.

I tell her all about how I finally found Closure but Dad won’t cooperate even though I know how to get us there.

She says I have to be patient and keep trying.
Sometimes things don’t work the first time but then eventually they do.

Josh is walking into the principal’s office when I get off the phone.

He turns his head to me and whispers,
Loser.

I know,
I tell him,
but I’m going to keep trying.

He shakes his head and snorts.

I guess he doesn’t believe I will Get It and sometimes I’m not so sure either but Mrs. Brook is confident so I’m going to keep working on my finesse.

Later that day I see Michael in the hall. I won’t see him at recess because while Mrs. Brook is away my schedule is back to first recess only. Even though he is not my friend anymore I do say,
I found Closure but I still have to Work At It.

I had to tell him. I promised. Scout’s honor.

He looks at me funny so I decide he doesn’t want to be my friend anyway.

 

 

I find a white T-shirt in my closet and I draw an eagle on it with a permanent marker. I’m hoping that Dad will remember that Devon called me Scout and he’ll put the two together like this:

and he will think of Devon’s Eagle Scout project and we can work on it together.

Except he doesn’t notice.

I keep walking back and forth in front of the sofa.

Finally he says,
Do you have to go to the bathroom?

No,
I say.
Do you like my T-shirt?

I sigh.
It’s EAGLE SCOUT. Get It?

Dad tilts his head.

He shakes his head.

He shakes his head again.

Dad leaves the living room.

 

 

I think about quarter-cut oak and how I still don’t actually know what that means. I know what an oak is. We have an oak tree in the backyard. I know what a quarter is. I have forty-seven in my State Quarters Map because Illinois and Florida and Iowa fell out and are under my bed somewhere I think. And I know what it means to cut something. I look up quarter-cut in my Dictionary but there’s no definition. I guess I have to put it together myself so quarter-cut oak is oak you cut with a quarter.

I have forty-six quarters in my State Quarters Map now because Virginia is coming out to cut the oak tree.

CHAPTER 27

MISSION

ALL I CAN SAY IS IT WILL TAKE my whole entire life to get some wood cut out of that oak tree with my Virginia quarter. Monday is a teacher workday so between Sunday and Monday I have spent six hours and thirteen minutes cutting that stupid tree. I will never get a whole piece of wood out of there. Plus my fingers are all bloody from scraping the bumpy bark and they hurt.

Mrs. Brook is back from visiting her difficult sister and the babies who are finally born now. It has been so long since I’ve seen her that when I get to her room I hold my hand up and wave to say hi.

She screams. This is not the reaction I expect. She should say something like,
I missed you,
or,
It’s good to see you again.
That’s what teachers normally say.

Caitlin,
Mrs. Brook says,
why are there cuts on your fingers?
Her voice is high and shaky.
What have you been doing?

What?
It comes out as a scream. Her hand covers her mouth.
Why?
That comes out as a muffled crying moan.

Her hand drops and she tilts her head.
Excuse me?

I mean would you please start explaining now.
Her voice is getting shaky again.

Oh, Caitlin! You poor thing!
She covers her mouth again.
And you’ve been working so hard!

Well,
she says,
I don’t know exactly what quarter-cut oak is but I do know this much: it is not wood cut from an oak tree with a quarter.

 

 

Here’s the funny thing. Quarter-cut oak just means the way the oak tree is cut into boards for Mission furniture like Devon’s Mission chest. I wish Dad would just tell me these things. It would make life a lot easier.

CHAPTER 28

GOOD AND STRONG AND BEAUTIFUL

YOU GAVE MRS. BROOK A SCARE,
Dad says.

He sighs and looks at the sheet-covered chest in the corner for the first time ever and I want to start shaking my hands but I know that does not make Dad happy so I sit on them instead. My throat is sore and there is a double recess going on in my stomach but I say,
Dad. I want to finish the chest.

I know,
he says. But he doesn’t say he will.

I want to get to Closure.
Everything is starting to blur
.

I know,
he says even more quietly.

This time he doesn’t even say I know but he nods.

I think about what Devon would say.
You have to Work At It Dad. You have to try even if it’s hard and you think you can never do it and you just want to scream and hide and shake your hands over and over and over.