Mo said she was quirky (20 page)

what

too many things. That was life. Where was she in hers? She didnt know, just how her thoughts went with so much like all the time, so so – just on the go, so so much; here there and everywhere and worry worry, him too, her ex, Sophie hadnt said but she looked forward to seeing him; she didnt say because she didnt want to, saying it to Helen so if Helen took it the wrong way – Sophie was safeguarding her! That was what it was, that was this little girl, just so so perceptive about adults and all everything, just everything, an astute wee girl, worrying about her mum. She shouldnt have had to do that. Was that fair? Children shouldnt have to serve the parent.

It was twisted loyalties. He was her father. Your father is your father. It was difficult for him too with them in England. Helen could admit that. It wasnt his fault. He was her dad and your dad is your dad. It was Mo she felt sorry for. He could never be her father, if that was what he was trying, not her real father. If he was trying for that it was silly. All he could do was be nice and be thoughtful, try to be a friend, but not her father like her natural father, he couldnt be that, never. If he was
trying that. But he wouldnt have been trying that. Mo was bright and intelligent. He was not stupid. A proper friend. One to one, as an adult to a young person, friendly in that fashion: be responsible and dont give a child everything she wants. Children want everything and cannot have it. Sophie was six years old and had to be controlled. All children do. They cannot do what they want like just anything because they would ruin themselves and what would happen? biscuits for breakfast and chocolate for tea, they would never grow, they would never develop. Adults have to take charge of their development, they have to take charge; a child is a child; a child is not responsible, not for everything. How can she be? It is unfair to expect it. Yes be friends but dont get led astray. That is so easy. Adults fall into the trap. Play their games but be careful too my God they are children, that is all they are, girls are not women, they are not women. Dont blame
them
.

But it would have been good to talk. Who to! There was nobody. Mo was the only one. Her friends in work were workmates. Perhaps if they met outside of work. That would have been nice, going for a coffee. If there was time, but it was difficult fitting things in. It had to be the day off. Although on some subjects you had to know the person. Who would you trust? Matters were private; you couldnt talk about everything, not to everybody. Not even Ann Marie, if she lived close by, although it would have been nice to chat. Anyway, it was Helen’s fault; she should have phoned a while ago. Just to say hullo. Although Ann Marie would only talk herself. That was what she did. The conversation would begin with Helen then it would be her and her problems. Ann Marie’s life was so taken up with the concerns of other people. Everything. Her parents every day of the week. My God it was so like just horrible, and
drastic
. Helen thought of it as
drastic
. It was your life but it wasnt, you had no control. You life was dominated by others.
It was not them doing it but their
lives
. Their lives dominated yours. Yours was important too but somehow

what happened to it? You were just like an audience. It wasnt their fault it was just their
lives
, how what had happened to them was being overtaken: their lives were being
overtaken
. And it was true, when you listened, my God, how could people’s lives be like that? it was just like so so incredible what was happening to them, happening to their families. And they were happening right now like this very very minute these things were
happening
.

But in your life too things were happening. Your life was there and things were in it too, and that was important but who was it important to? Nobody apart from your own family. Nobody was interested. They were in a way but in another way they werent, they just switched the conversation, so you were left feeling what did it matter. You were the audience. They had celebrity lives and you were having to watch them talking about all what happened to them. It wasnt them dominating you, it was their
lives
; there was a difference. If it was only them it would be selfish. So you couldnt blame them, not the real person, only what was happening to them.

Only it would have been good to talk, you get left so you cant talk. That was how Helen felt. She couldnt talk and she didnt. She preferred that anyway. She didnt want to talk about her own life and what was going on. It would have driven her mad. People go mad. Their lives are so insane they became insane themselves, they have to. So they can cope. That was why celebrities were good. You heard what they had for dinner and how they liked cats better than dogs or if they were veggies or red-meat eaters and how they had to watch their calories because they wanted to become good dancers or practise their singing or take lessons to be a chef. Otherwise it was your own life and what happened in it. Your own world was so horrible
and you wanted to shut it out. Their lives were so just – what were they? boring. That was what was good. It was all just stupid and silly, what they liked to eat, French or Italian and how their old grandmother always knew they would be rich and famous because that was their family, people always worked hard and were talented and went good holidays to where their family came from, wherever it was.

Oh well.

Tonight was another day. That was what nightshift workers said.

There were creaks in this house. Children were through the wall somewhere; forever thumping about. Helen didnt see them. Perhaps they were white. Most people were Asian or black but some were white. An old black woman came from the next house. Probably a grandmother and was looking after the children. Helen was envious. A mother to baby-sit. Although if Mum lived in London. Thank God she didnt.

Even to relax, it was good to relax. She couldnt have, if Mum was here she couldnt have. Because of whatever. This, that and the next thing.

So if it
was
Brian. If he had recognised her? If he had he would have been so so glad, so glad to see her. Why wouldnt he have been? Unless he was so far gone from the family he didnt want anything to do with anybody, including her, even especially her, if he had recognised her, he didnt want to see her, he didnt want to make the contact. The way he was looking in the taxi window. He was like staring straight at her. Really, he was. And his eyes were like quite frightening, my God they were, scary, that was what Caroline and Jill said, and Danny the driver too like what had he been? like so so wary, just so wary.

Perhaps he hated her. He couldnt hate her. Hate. Why would he hate, hate her?
Hate
.

A brother and sister; surely that
meant
something? He came home for Gran’s funeral but not Dad’s. So it was not like he disappeared off the face of the earth. Mum made the contact. Dad wouldnt have. So Mum knew how to reach him. But not when Dad died. It was the police traced him. So he was there for Gran’s funeral but not for Dad’s. Your own father. It was unforgivable. You couldnt have an excuse for that. It didnt matter the past and all what happened. That was over and done with. It was past tense. Get on with living, people have to. Somebody dies but the living go on, and they make a go of things. They have to. It isnt the whole world. Somebody dies everybody else lives. Bury the past. That is what people say. The past is past, it has passed. Brian and Mum were close. So were Helen and Dad. It happens in families; girl father, boy mother, it is so natural, a natural division, her and Dad, him and Mum; that is it, it is natural, it is not like lovers for goodness sake that isnt the relationship.

Life
always
goes on. So if Brian didnt care, neither did Helen. She didnt care either, so that was it too, if he didnt want to make contact with her, okay. It was a hard world out there. It wasnt only boys who had to stick up for themselves. If people try to hurt you you fight back. That was the world and that was what you did. If Brian didnt it was his fault. Boys laughed at Helen but it was not her it was him. Why didnt he fight them? He should have, boys look after girls.

What was Mo doing? He was through in the room, so he was doing something – getting ready to leave? Not yet surely. Nearly four o’clock, oh God, four o’clock, he was, it was time for him to leave.

Sophie glanced away from the television. Sophie said, Mummy are you saying something?

Helen smiled. How was school, you didnt tell me, was it good?

Yes.

So what happened? Sophie, what happened? if it was good.

We went to the park.

You went to the park! Helen frowned. You went to the park?

Sophie looked at her.

I thought you didnt go to the park?

It was a film about animals.

What was the park?

Sophie said, The teacher was showing us.

The teacher was showing you the park?

It was a film and it was about animals, people go on motor cars, it’s to a park and it’s animals they have there. Sophie spoke while staring at the television. Jonathan pushed me. He was pushing me all the time. I told the teacher.

A name like Jonathan, he sounds nice, he sounds a nice boy.

Mum can we do a jigsaw?

Yes. But wait till Mo’s gone.

Sophie sighed.

Because he’s going to work soon Sophie, we can play after dinner. I’m making a nice dinner.

Oh but Mum.

Fish and potatoes. Fish is good for you. It’s brain food, said Helen. Anyway, it isnt good if you tell the teacher on people.

Sophie glanced at her.

Even if a boy pushes you.

He always pushes me.

Because he likes you. Boys push girls because they like them.

Well it’s sore, I dont like it.

Can you push him back?

Sophie didnt answer.

Did you say it to Mo about him pushing you? I think he’ll say to push him back too.

The teacher said I’m not to.

Oh, well … Helen nodded. I dont think that’s right. Not to
push people. If the teacher said that, did she say that? Sophie, did she say that? If they hit you first and you hit them back, did she say you werent to do it?

Sophie stared at the television.

Helen watched her for a moment. Did
you
push somebody?

No.

Did you push Jonathan?

He pushed me.

Did you push him back? Well you can, if he pushes you.

He likes Evie. He said my coat was funny.

Helen sighed.

He said it was all like painted.

Painted? Well I dont know why he said that. It’s a silly thing to say. Boys say silly things. Your coat isnt funny at all.

Mum can we not play the jigsaw?

No but you can play it yourself my girl because I’m starting the dinner.

Can Mo not do it?

No, he’s going to work soon.

He’s doing the computer.

Yes but he’s soon going.

Sophie sighed. Helen watched her. It was the sigh. Children sighing. Of course Helen herself, she was a champion sigher, and it irritated people.

Never mind.

Whatever Sophie was thinking. What did a child think? Sometimes she tensed. Why did she tense like that? So many things. Jonathan had three girlfriends and Sophie wanted to be the fourth. Three girls and she was the fourth. That sounded familiar.

The jigsaw was two years old and Sophie could finish it blindfold. So why not a new one? she had new ones, why not one of them? Oh no, it had to be the old one. A psychologist
would know. It certainly was not Sophie’s father, and had nothing to do with any ‘happier’ time. Really, it didnt have that association. Helen would have known. It was her bought the damn thing and it wasnt even a birthday present, just one day they were out at a car-boot sale and she bought it back in Glasgow, that big one over in Royston that Mo discovered and loved all else in the entire whole world, so if that was the ‘happy memory’, Mo was there.

They went places here when they had the chance. Mo called it ‘hunting’. We are going ‘hunting’ this morning. Sunday morning was best. Coming off the Saturday nightshift she had an hour’s doze then it was the market and nice for Sophie that last time especially, seeing a wee girl from her school there with her parents. That was just so nice.

A car-boot sale was the most likely place for a folding bed, a proper one like Mum used to have, then if Brian, it would be there for emergencies, it would just be there, a proper one, if Brian. They had to be there for nine o’clock. So Mo said. Any later and why bother? By lunchtime people were packing up to go home. But it was true. But who cared if you were out for the day and it was family and you were just enjoying it all, and being out and just – life, it was life, life was good when it could be good, it was just so so good, really, and enjoyable. She would have to tell him about Brian.

Why?

But she would.

But why? If she told Mo she would have to find him because

why hadnt she already? She could have got out the damn taxi. If it was him she could have. Her own brother my God. And she didnt get out the taxi, she didnt even do that. If she had she would have known, if she had got out the taxi and just like my God imagine not getting out the taxi? Why hadnt she? That was the one thing. Even if she hadnt known for sure, even
if
she
hadnt
he
would have, even after all these years, his little sister, it would have been overwhelming.

She wouldnt have had to ask him. All she had to do was open the door and step out. He would have known her. But she didnt do that, she didnt get out the taxi. That was so shocking, so so – really, it was. Mo would have been surprised, only because like family, families for him. But they werent all like his. His was strong, Helen’s wasnt.

That was the truth and only be honest. Helen felt that. She saw the time and reached to Sophie, clasping her shoulder. Sophie glanced at her. Helen didnt speak, she breathed deeply. Sophie smiled. Helen said, Is Mo on the computer?

Yes.

I’m going to see him.