Miyu's Wish (26 page)

I went downstairs and began frying some eggs, feeling off-balance and clumsy as I proceeded.
My life wasn’t so bad. Why would I have desired to be someone else, let alone a prissy, little girl?
It made no sense.

“Morning Keil,” came Aunt Gretchen’s voice.

“Morning Auntie,” I said distantly. “Would you like me to fry you up a couple of eggs?”

“Thanks Keil, but no time today. Have to be in the office extra early.”

She walked over to the refrigerator, resembling a lithe dancer as her slender body bent into the open doorway.

“You feeling alright?” she asked, pulling out a carton of juice. “You’re as white as the moon.”

“I am?” I asked, feigning surprise. “No, I feel fine. Just hungry, I guess.” I smiled sweetly at her as I plopped the eggs onto a plate and began eating.

My aunt eyed me curiously, but was in too big a hurry to really care; she gulped down her juice with a shrug and ran off to work. I did the same, finishing breakfast and then racing to get cleaned up. A few minutes later, I was speeding down the road on my motorbike, feeling a strange sense of nostalgia as I zipped by the old school bus.

The fresh air felt good against my face, and by the time I parked, I was certain I had imagined everything regarding that girl. But as I swaggered into school, the students scurrying around me were taking on completely new shades of context; I could hear myself speaking to them in Miyu’s voice three years prior. With a pitiable little squeal, I scampered anxiously to my locker. I fumbled with the combination, finally prying it open with a grunt of frustration.

I needed to relax. So what if I had been Miyu? That was a long time ago, and she was gone.
I was Keil now. I was Keil.

Someone tapped me on the shoulder, and I spun around like a tornado. To my delighted horror, I met Clarence’s eyes. I felt my cheeks glow red as I gazed at his chiseled face and granite body, and I quickly dropped my gaze to the floor.

“Hey Keil, don’t forget about weight training after school today,” he said. “We’re already making progress. Give me another month, and I bet Kimberly chooses you for sure.” He grinned. “And then perhaps Mary and I can go double-dating with you two one evening.”

I balled up my hands and slowly peered into his face. “Kimberly?” I repeated softly.

He rolled his eyes at me. “Of course, unless you’re leaning back toward Tamara. You better make up your mind soon.”

“Tamara?” I had just seen the two of them yesterday, but it felt like years ago.
Three years ago.

Clarence shook his head at me. “You OK? You’re acting all fidgety or something, and your face is all red.”

I unclenched my hands and looked at him as seriously as I could, but my chest felt numb. A layer of sweat was steaming off my back. “No, I’m cool. I’ll see you at lunch, alright?”

He stared at me for a moment, and with a dubious nod, began walking off.

“And Clarence?” I heard myself call out.

“Yeah?”

“Oh, um, never mind,” I replied quickly, looking down and playing with my fingers. “Just that, thanks for being such a wonderful, sweet friend.” I gasped at myself.
That’s not what I wanted to say…

“OooK, Keil. See you later, then.”

I gritted my teeth as he left, Miyu’s voice echoing his name repeatedly inside me. I ordered her to shut up, but that too was in her voice.
My every thought was beginning to sound like her.
I hugged myself and fell against my locker. And then the bell rang.

I sat feverishly through my first couple of classes, trying to recollect myself and act as smooth and manly as possible. But then I noticed Ruby and June sitting across from me in Spanish, playing with each other’s hair during some movie we were watching. They didn’t know me well—
but I knew them
—and the pain of their obliviousness was almost unbearable. Likewise, Candace and Janet barely acknowledged me in the hallway after class.

Lunch finally arrived, and I sat with Clarence and a number of other buddies. The conversation bounced back and forth between sports and science and video games, but now all I could think about was Kimberly—the blonde angel sitting just a couple of tables down. She was chatting happily with Marlene in my—
Miyu’s
—old clique; at one point she even looked over and smiled directly at me, and I smiled back. They giggled and then began talking again as if nothing had happened. They were even prettier than I remembered…

“Don’t be getting any ideas now, Preppy,” Thad said as he took a seat beside me and opened a lunch bag. “Kimberly will be
my girl. It’s practically a foregone conclusion.” He took a bite out of an enormous, egg salad sandwich. “But I hear that Tamara really likes you. Why not settle for her? It’s a win for both of us that way, right?”

I eyed him dubiously. We had been competing over Kimberly since the day my aunt and I had first moved to town my sophomore year, and it seemed as though she might finally make a decision between the two of us. But he was right about Tamara. Despite her reputation for disliking guys, she and I were inexplicably attracted to each other. And I always teamed up with her in Gym.

Thad, Clarence, and the other guys chuckled as I bit my lip.
If only I had someone to talk to who really understood me.
My eyes flitted toward Marlene.

“Ha! Lost for words, eh?” Thad said, already done with his sandwich. “You crack me up, man. But seriously, may the best guy win. I’ll see you and Clarence after school for training.” He slapped my back as he got up to leave, and my mind rewound unwillingly to the pleasant night we had shared together at the carnival. Suddenly thinking of the hippo he had won for me, I excused myself from the table and hustled to a bathroom. I went to a sink and splashed cold water on my face, only to find Miyu staring expectantly in the mirror as I glanced up. I blinked my eyes, and she seemed to disappear. But I could still feel her bubbling inside me—a giddy, tenacious gust of energy pressing out through my chest. She was calling my name, or maybe I
was calling hers…I could feel her little teeth in my mouth, those doughy, reassuring breasts pressed beneath my blouse, her flaxen hair like a sheet of silk against my back.
Oh Miyu…

The door opened. Emitting a little shriek, I threw myself into a nearby stall. I waited timidly until I heard the visitor leave, and then I finally cried. Willfully. Powerfully. Mournfully. Like a little girl who had lost everything—and who wanted it all back.

The rest of the day slogged past, and I persevered with as much manliness as I could muster. Until Gym. I watched the guys in the locker room with a hungry fascination, my face locked in bemusement and wonder. I eventually told the coach I wasn’t feeling well, and he allowed me to sit the period out and watch the class play volleyball from the bleachers. Tamara was her amazing self as always, giving her male and female opponents a hefty workout. She would occasionally glance up and catch me smiling brightly in her direction. She gave me a boyish grin, and I stifled a giggle.

And then school was out. Swarms of students ran past me and out the exits, but I didn’t share their enthusiasm.

“Keil?”

I turned around to see Lizzie looking up at me. She was wearing a pink cashmere sweater that really brought out the color in her eyes. I smiled with a bounce as I admired her.

“Oh Lizzie, you look absolutely heavenly! You’ve really blossomed over the last few years!”

Her mouth fell open. “Um, thanks Keil. Just…uh…wanted to remind you about the investigative article you promised Kimberly regarding the student council elections. It’s due Thursday.”

I nodded, still beaming at her. “Of course, Liz. I won’t let her down.”

“OK, good.” She began slowly backing away and then darted off.

I sighed to myself as I reached my locker, thinking of both Kimberly and Tamara. Their faces spun inside me like an eternal pinwheel blowing endless, delectable kisses in my direction. And then Clarence’s face poked through, and I knew I just needed to leave. I sent him a regretful text canceling our date and then fled the premises.

I rode around for hours, as if trying to outrun Miyu’s phantom voice trailing from within. But I was weakening; that little flower had given me so many happy, priceless moments.
Her voice was the very sound of my soul.
And I missed her mother dearly.

I parked my bike on the street, texted my aunt I would be home late, and began wandering through random neighborhoods. I liked being strong. I liked taking risks. I liked male camaraderie and the freedom it entailed.

I giggled at myself. But I also liked sharing my deepest feelings, dressing up and feeling beautiful, and reaching out and caring for others. For better or worse, manhood was often a straightforward affair, hiding its sincerest hopes, dreams, and fears behind that stone mask of rationality. But not me. I wanted
to cry and sing and radiate myself freely to everyone. To share my love and laughter with the world.

After some roaming, I found myself in an eerily familiar locale—the little park where Mother had claimed everything started. At least, that’s what I thought I remembered; my concept of time and reality was wobbly at best, with two deceased parents in this life and an adopted one in the other. And different versions of my friends scattered everywhere.

The sky was darkening to a deep blue, and stars were already beginning to penetrate the firmament. It made me feel hopeful somehow as I sat down on that infamous bench, gazing at the empty park around me. I remembered dreaming of a woman and child frolicking just yards away, and I wondered who they really were.

I sat for a while, hoping something would happen. But beyond a full moon and a black, starry sky, I remained alone—as if forsaken by the universe. With nothing left to give, I let loose a heartfelt, desperate prayer.

Why torment me with memories of a life best forgotten? I don’t even know who I am anymore.

I looked down at the ground and began to cry.

I wept for a long time, but a glint of silver slowly drew my attention upright. To my astonishment, a small boy stood just a stride away, smiling vibrantly under the soft glow of the moon. I noticed a woman watching from the distance and, as if coasting on a gentle breeze, she glided over to scoop him up into her
arms. He laughed as she smiled and cooed at him, wrapping him within her flowing garments.

I could only marvel at the two in stunned silence; I somehow sensed they were very old, very wise, and very loving. The mother gazed at me knowingly, and I heard her poignant voice chime distinctly within my mind.

You once led a troubled life, a life forever altered by the help of your devoted counterpart, Miyu. She not only rewrote your story, but those of her many friends who now have their own destinies to fulfill.

Keil, you are Miyu. And both your respective prayers have been heard. As painful as it may be, your memory has been restored so that you may choose the life you most desire.

I rose to my feet, finally understanding; through that little girl, I had changed the future. But there were still so many questions. “If I choose Miyu,” I asked meekly, “what will become of Keil?”

The woman closed her eyes solemnly.
He will cease to be, but your soul will remain preserved in Miyu. Her abilities will continue to develop in wondrous ways.

“And if I remain as I am?”

Then Miyu’s great sacrifice will stand for all time, and your life will resume as intended toward its own grand destiny.

I fretted and bit my lip. “Will I remember any of this, whichever path I choose?”

Only to a point. As you learned today, too much knowledge can be a terrible burden.

The decision was impossible to make, and I knew I only had moments to choose. People I loved existed on both sides of the timeline, and I wondered if it was simply best to leave well enough alone. But deep down, all I could think and hear and feel was Miyu, her wish pushing up through my lips like an exquisite sonata.

The mother and child gazed at me attentively, their eyes shining like the moon.

Have you decided?

I swallowed. “What does God want me to do?”

She smiled as the boy clapped his hands joyfully.

At last, you are beginning to understand.

About Casey

We’ve heard of unrequited love, but what about unrequited dreams? Where does hope go when our secret yearnings and desires transcend all possibility? Casey writes about these very notions, exploring the unspoken wants and silent wishes that both inspire and fuel our souls. The author can be reached at
[email protected]
.