Mistrust (35 page)

“You were checking up on us.” I call Mom out.

Mom looks at me with a straight face. “There’s that too. Let’s say a combination of both. Does anyone need anything? A drink? A throw? A toy car?”

That’s all it takes for us all to burst into laughter, even Reece. We all tell Mom we’re okay. Mom says she’s going back in to put on a movie so she can watch it with Dad.

Once we finish eating, Sam and Taylor decide to go in and watch the movie with Mom and Dad too, leaving Reece and myself outside.

We throw away the pizza box and grab a drink before sitting down to look out at the sparkling water of the pool. I settle in my lounge chair, and look up at the small sliver of the moon. “It’s a shame the moon isn’t bigger.”

Reece leans back and looks up, crossing his arms in front of chest while his left foot bounces on the lounger. “Look at the sky. It’s weird. Although most of the moon is in hiding, there are still a few stars shining quite brightly.”

“It’s pretty.”

“It is.”

Looking down at the drink in my hands, my mind goes to what happened at the movies. “Will you tell me what had you so jumpy at the movies?” I don’t dare look at Reece.

“Well, um, it’s kind of difficult. But I do have a question for you.”

“What is it?”

“I tried to hold your hand, and you freaked out.”
Crap.
“Did you freak out because you don’t have any feelings for me beyond a friendship?”

Shit. “It’s not that.”

“Then what is it?”

I keep my eyes firmly focused away from Reece. Now I don’t want him to see the secret I’m hiding. I’ve had it hidden for so long and from virtually everyone, to tell him—or my parents—after all this time, is unfathomable. “I can’t really say,” I whisper in the smallest of voices.

“You’ve changed, Dakota.”

“No I haven’t,” I reply forcefully.

“Yes, you have. Something’s changed you, and it happened a while back, like around two or three months. I can’t quite pinpoint the exact time.” I shiver when he announces the time frame, because,
he’s right.

“I’m not different.” I look down to my toes, I’d rather focus on them than acknowledge the intense look Reece is giving me.

Reece clears his throat and shifts beside me in his seat. “Remember when they split us at school just before vacation started? They talked to us about all those statistics and stuff.”
Oh God, please no.
Pursing my lips together so I don’t spill any secrets, I nod my head. “Does your dad touch you, Dakota?”

My eyes fly to him while I violently shake my head. “My God, no way! What the hell, Reece?”

Reece stares at me, squinting his eyes while his mouth keeps opening as if to say something, but he stops before any sound comes out. He closes his eyes and lightly shakes his head before snapping them open to look straight at me. “Then tell me what’s happening, Dakota. If it’s not your dad, then who has you so scared? Because this shit, the way you react to me, the way you tense whenever you’re close to me, even the way you’ve been talking . . .” He stops speaking to shake his head and pinch the bridge of his nose. “At any time, I’m afraid you’re going to curl up in a ball out of fright. What the hell is going on?” He sits up, swinging his legs over the side and leaning his elbows on his knees. He stares at me, intently. Waiting for me to speak.

“Nothing.” I look away, not wanting to meet his eyes. But my voice contradicts the façade I’m trying to master around Reece.

“Bullshit!” He stands abruptly, causing me to flinch back. Immediately I regret my sudden movement, although I couldn’t control it. He moves away from me, taking a step backward as he holds his hands up in surrender. That simple gesture makes my eyes sting with fat tears. Reece starts to pace back and forth. “You were never like this with Levi. You’d hold his hand, kiss him, you were never scared of him.”

My throat starts to close as my heart pounds rapidly against my chest. “It’s different now,” I manage to croak in a strangled voice.

Reece stops pacing at the end of the lounger. There’s a lot of distance between us, and it’s obvious to me he’s moved far away so I don’t feel threatened by him. “Why is it different? Do I intimidate or scare you?”

“No.” I shake my head. “Not at all.”

“Have I done something to you to make you think I’ll hurt you?” I shake my head and close my eyes. I feel the seat dip beside me, and I know Reece is sitting here, watching me, and waiting to hear why I can barely hold his hand without fighting with my mind. “Tell me, please.”

“I can’t.” Though my eyes are closed, a tear escapes and I tilt my head to the side so I can wipe it before he notices.

“I hate seeing you cry.”
Too late.
“And I hate seeing you so . . .” he pauses. “So . . . it’s like you’re . . .”

Before he has a chance to finish the sentence, I say exactly what he must be thinking. “Broken.” Burying my head in my hands I cry. The tears streak through my fingers and run down my hands. It’s not only my eyes that’s weeping, it’s also my soul.

Someone’s figured it out, or at least they’ve noticed the fragile wall I’ve been hiding behind and now they’re making me step out and face them.

“It’s okay, I promise you, Dakota, it’s okay. You can tell me anything,” he whispers. His face is close to me and I can feel the warmth of his breath touch the back of my hand.

“You’ll think I’m disgusting.”

“No, I won’t.”

“I’m humiliated, and so ashamed.”

I can hear the deep breaths he’s taking from beside me, they’re hard and intense. Exactly how he is right now. “Please, Dakota, you can trust me.” He lays his warm hand on my back. I can feel the hesitation as he slightly lifts it before placing it firmly down. “Is this okay?” It takes me a few seconds, but I eventually nod my head. Trying to soothe me, he begins to move his hand, rubbing my back in gentle circles.

It takes forever for me to stop crying and even longer before I drop my hands from my face. I turn to look at Reece and give him a weak smile. “I have to look like a mess. I bet my eyes are puffy, and my face is red and streaked with tears.” I wipe under my eyes.

Reece stands, walks over to the table, picks up a clean napkin and brings it over to me. “I’d go get you a tissue, but for some reason I doubt you’d want your parents seeing you like this. Here you go.” He sits beside me again and hands me a napkin.

Taking a moment, I compose myself and wipe my eyes and nose. “Thank you.” I smile.

“Hey, there’s the Dakota I know.” He points to my smile. “That’s a real smile, like the one I saw earlier when I was telling you what my Mom did.” I smile again and this time a small chuckle follows. Reece lets out a huge breath while still rubbing my back. “Will you please tell me what’s going on?”

My body reacts to his words. Small goosebumps cover my exposed skin as the breath hitches in the back of my throat. My hands ball into fists and I shudder. “Can’t you understand, it’s impossible?” Standing I walk away from Reece and straight toward the pool.

I stop on the edge of the pool, the water below gently moving as it softly hits the sides. Wrapping my arms around my waist, I keep my focus on the soothing water as it moves around the pool.

“Please.” Suddenly he’s beside me. I didn’t hear him moving, I was too entranced by the gentleness of the water.

Pulling my shoulders back, I close my eyes and tighten my arms around my waist. “I was . . .”

Don’t do it, Dakota.

Tell him, he’ll understand.

“What?”

Don’t say anything.

“I was . . .” The word I need to say is stuck. Wedged deep inside my throat. There’s no way I can say it and not vomit. I’m shaking, and sweating and this is just at the
thought
of telling him.

“What happened?”

God, no I can’t do it.

“I-”
Yes, do it. Take back your strength.

“Please.”

My pulse is racing, my hands are shaking violently as my throat constricts even further. “I was raped.”

I don’t look at Reece. I can’t. His sharp intake of breath tells me everything I need to know.
He’s disgusted,
exactly what I thought was going to happen.

“Fuck,” he says on the smallest sigh.

Tightening my arms around me, I can’t help but let the tears fall freely.

It’s not a word I want to ever say again. It’s not something I ever want to talk about.

“You can leave now,” I whisper through my sobs.

He swings me around by my shoulders and smashes my body to his in the tightest hug I’ve ever had.

Laying my head on his chest, I let him hold me while I cry into his t-shirt. Grasping the soft fabric of his shirt in my hands and lay my head on his heart. His arms are wrapped around me and he’s gently drawing lazy shapes on my back. “I’m not going anywhere,” he says.

I cry even more. “I’m sorry.”

In no more than a hushed tone he says, “You haven’t done anything wrong. I’m so grateful you’ve opened up to me.”

I catch my breath, finally stemming the tears, yet I don’t want to leave the comfort and security of his embrace. “You must think I’m . . .”

“You’re a victim, Dakota. I don’t think anything else other than that. When did it happen?”

“Prom,” I answer slowly, still not really wanting to tell him anymore than I already have.

“Who?”

“I don’t know,” I respond.

He moves his arms so he’s gripping the top of mine; it’s not hard or uncomfortable or even scary. “What do you mean you don’t know?”

“It was a drink I had.”

He moves me back to examine my face. “A drink?” I nod my head and look down, still way too scared to meet his eyes. He places his finger under my chin and lightly lifts my head so he can see all of my face. But I shake my head and lower my chin again. “How many drinks did you have?”

“Two. The soda you got me, and then another drink I got for myself from where the sodas were.”

Quiet overtakes us, and he moves to hug me again. Breathing deeply I can smell the subtle sweetness of his aftershave. It’s a cross between mountains and rain and the smell reminds me of the early mornings on our camping trip.

“I gave you one of the sodas.” I nod my head. “I didn’t do that, I swear, Dakota.”

Deep down, I know he didn’t. Although initially I was suspicious, over time I’ve grown to understand he’s not capable of this. No one I know is. “I know it’s not you.”

“Do you have an idea of who it might be?”

“Yeah, but it’s going to seem crazy when I say it.”

“Tell me.”

I may as well tell him everything now. “I think it may have something to do with Mr. C.”

“Mr. Collins? Our math teacher?” I nod against his chest. “Why him?”

I take a few more minutes to get my emotions back under control then I step back and sit down on my lounger. Reece sits opposite me and waits as I take a huge breath and tell him everything.

By the time I finish telling Reece the story, he hasn’t moved. Not an inch. He’s remained silent the entire time, not asking any questions or making any type of sound. He’s motionless, the only thing moving are his shoulders as he breathes and his eye lids as they blink.

For a moment, fear runs through my body. I’m petrified that now he’s heard everything, he’ll think I
am
disgusting. I’m terrified of the words that must be jumbling around in his mind.

Maybe he doesn’t believe me.

Or worse, maybe he thinks I deserve what happened to me.

“Say something,” I whisper. I’m on the brink of losing the little control I’ve regained. He’s not speaking and I’m teetering on the edge of reality and a gory, tragic nightmare. “Please, say something.”

Reece is sitting quietly, he’s not stirring and it’s really worrying to me. I hate to think what thoughts are going through his mind. “I . . .” My eyelashes flutter while I hang on every word he has to say. “I don’t know what to say.”

I let out a breath, and my throat constricts. My hands shake from the sheer nervousness coursing through me. “Oh.”

Suddenly something happens within Reece. An obvious change takes over his body. His eyes snap up to mine, his shoulders straighten and his jaw tightens.

I swallow, hard.

“You were raped,” he says. It’s not a question; it’s a statement.

“Yes.”

“Someone hurt you.” My eyebrows knit together as he makes yet another definitive statement. “Someone put their filthy fucking hands on you.” My heart falls into the pit of my stomach. “Someone fucking took you without your consent.” My hands shake.

Without saying a word, I nod my head.

“Fuck.” I’ve never heard Reece swear so much in my entire life. “And it happened at
our
prom?” I nod again. “So it’s someone we know.” His dark brown eyes darken even further. Something snaps inside him. He looks around the backyard, as if he’s waiting for a threat to jump out and attack us. “When we go back to school, you stay close to me.”

Blinking rapidly, I stare at Reece. “What?”

My eyes go to his hands, now balled into fists. He’s angry, and for a split second I can’t help but worry his anger is directed at me. I lean back in anticipation of whatever he’s about to say or do. I can’t help the reaction. It’s a natural reaction. “I’m not going to hurt you, Dakota.”

“I know,” I reply instantly. “I can’t help my instincts though.”

“I need a drink.” Reece makes his way over to the outside fridge and grabs two bottles of water. He brings them over, hands me one and sits down opposite me. Once he’s finished half the bottle of water he puts the cap on and places it down beside him on the ground. “I need to ask you a few questions.”

I look to the side, close my eyes and nod my head. I don’t want to be looking at him when he asks. I hate to see any judgment from him. “Okay. I’ll answer what I can.”

“First of all, the most important question is; how are you doing?” He reaches his hand out to touch my leg, but stops midway and retracts it.

“I’m doing okay.”

“Okay?” he questions and raises his brows at me.

“I mean, at first it was really difficult. And I still can’t look at myself in a mirror and like what I see. It’s tough, you know?”