Mistress of the Throne (The Mughal intrigues) (21 page)

Before setting on his journey, he met with Bahadur and asked again about my condition. By that time, Gabriel had arrived and I was slowly recovering. Unable to endure Aba’s taunts or the pain of seeing me in such a state, he simply gave Bahadur a copy of a letter he wrote to Aba, asking Bahadur to show it to me when I awoke. It would explain everything, he told her.

Dear Aba
,

If His Majesty would like that of all his servants I alone should pass my remaining days in dishonour and eventually perish in an unbecoming manner, I have no choice but to obey. I know I am not the son you want as a successor, and perhaps no matter how hard I try I can never make you proud of me. I also know that some of those you are closest to wish me the most harm and incessantly poison you against me. I therefore request your permission to leave His Majesty’s service and devote my remaining days to charity, prayer, and service as a hermit. I do not wish to cause any more uneasiness to anyone’s heart, and I wish to be saved from the harassment of my foes. I will leave your kingdom by noon tomorrow unless I hear objection from you
.

Yours Eternally
,

Aurangzeb

Aurangzeb left for Fatehnagar, a city north of Goa, where some years before he’d destroyed a 6
^th
century Hindu temple to use its rubble for the staircase of a mosque, and then lived there as a hermit. Fatehnagar became his abode, where no one would bother
him or accuse him of any misdoings. I was torn as to how to resolve this conflict. Thus, I simply decided to wait till I fully regained my strength to address the matter.

13

LOVE OR LUST

1
^st
May, 1644

T
o my pleasant surprise, all of my burns, which had consumed my entire back and rear, completely healed. It was almost as if I’d never been burned.

Celebrations occurred all over Mughal India as news of my recovery slowly permeated into the most remote of villages. Their empress was back, and no one would take her from them again. It didn’t matter what religion or creed the person belonged to, it seemed the emotions from my tragedy had rippled across all races, creeds and castes. I was now referred to by the court chroniclers as ‘the people’s empress,’ and now that I was better, the residents of Mumtazabad returned to work on the structure, buoyed by celebrations. If before they were building to mourn Ami’s defeat at the hands of death, it now seemed they were building to celebrate my triumph over illness. This was now my monument too. I was its manager, and in its successful completion lay the dignity of not just Ami, but mine as well.

But as my wounds healed, the time Gabriel was permitted to visit me in the zenana also shrank. When he did visit, we talked for hours about our lives. It was during this time that I learned about what had actually happened to him in Hugli.

Severely wounded by the Mughal army during the massacre at Hugli, Gabriel fell into the Bay of Bengal and was saved by
fisherman near a village named Kalikata. Finding himself saved by the very servants he’d often called ‘stupid,’ and ‘illiterate,’ he was humbled to be in their nurturing company. Though not a surgeon like Gabriel, one of the village doctors sewed the wound on the side of Gabriel’s neck well.

Though he’d originally hated the entire country of India, especially our intolerant, racist monarchy that had massacred innocent women and children of Hugli, he slowly began to see the goodness of India in its villages. Just as he’d nurtured the masses in Gujarat, the masses were now taking care of him, giving him attention day and night, and bringing to him the cleanest water they could find as well as the healthiest food.

When his strength returned, the village gave him a hero’s farewell, and he vowed to return to Kalikata one day to help their village become better and stronger and one of the greatest cities in Bengal. He then left for the port city of Surat to help with the trading operations of the company. It was here that a pipe-smoking, swollen-gut Englishman name William Bruton conveyed to Gabriel that a request had been received from Agra asking for his services to help heal the ravages of my accident. Gabriel wished to leave at once, but before leaving, he needed to secure the permission of his captain.

Captain Bruton was a businessman in the purest sense. He only gave leave to Gabriel on condition that if Gabriel was successful in curing me, he would ask Aba for exclusive trading rights in Bengal on Bruton’s behalf. Unconcerned with achieving such gifts for himself, Gabriel reluctantly agreed to the trade-off so he might be able to leave quickly for Agra.

I was humbled and grateful to Gabriel for travelling to Agra to help me, especially after all the trouble he’d endured at the hands of our army. And my feelings for him began to deepen as I started seeing the goodness in his heart.

I didn’t know how – or even if – I should tell him how I felt. The zenana women began teasing me about Gabriel, how beautiful he was and how obvious it was that he liked me. It seemed these
women were most interested in the gossip that would be created if I confirmed their suspicions by revealing to them the true nature of my feelings. Still, I found it hard to not be influenced by their talk.

My mother had told me about this thing called love. I’d read poetry about how it can give life to even the stone-hearted and weaken even the strongest of men. But with Ami’s death I never thought I was ever going to experience it, for I wasn’t permitted to do so. I just assumed my life would be spent in a loveless existence, and only through others would I celebrate this cherished sentiment that Allah had given man.

I began wondering if Allah had caused this accident just to reunite me with Gabriel and allow me to experience this strange thing called love. I felt like crying, not from sadness, but from the excitement that perhaps my life might not be loveless after all.

Every night I’d lie in bed and woo sleep, secretly desiring to be courted by the firangi, but every night sleep evaded me. He was no longer welcome in the zenana now that I was well, and I hadn’t seen him in weeks. Unable to see him in the real world or visit him in my dreams, I still yearned for his company. I felt he’d flown into an area of my being no one else had ever entered, and I felt almost haunted by his spirit. The pain in my heart was suffocating me. I instructed Bahadur to travel to the city and inform me about how Gabriel had been. To my excitement, Bahadur told me Gabriel had requested to see me several times but was turned away by the Tatar guards on instructions of the Emperor. She further told me that Gabriel wanted to request an audience with me in private.

I was torn as what to do, for allowing him in the zenana against Aba’s wishes wasn’t possible, and venturing out to meet him would raise suspicion.

But Bahadur said confidently, “
I
will arrange a private meeting. “It’s the only way.” I felt as though she didn’t want to say she knew
what was happening, but realised we two needed to meet, if just once. Love or lust, sincere or false, this uneasy feeling in my being cried out for some kind of satisfaction. If I was never to see Gabriel again, I needed to say farewell properly.

I had never ridden on a horse by myself; the closest I’d ever come was riding in a carriage drawn by four horses. I soon realised that riding on a horse by itself is much more turbulent than riding in a carriage. Maybe, I thought, if I could ride faster it would be smoother, but Bahadur didn’t allow that because her horse needed to be right next to mine so she could pull on its straps if I lost control.

I rode at night, dressed as an imperial soldier to the people of Agra, escorting the chief eunuch; but in reality, of course,
she
was
my
escort. We turned our horses into the warehouse district of Agra because this area was completely empty at this hour, all the dealers having closed for the day.

Bahadur dismounted and then helped me to my feet. “Malikaye, he is inside. I’m here in case you need me. Take however long you desire.”

Bahadur’s words made me feel strangely liberated. For once, I felt free to do as
I
wished, though saying a simple goodbye was all I had in mind.

I walked into the warehouse and found him standing at a distance with a rose in his hand. I went to him with a smile on my face; he welcomed me with a courteous kiss on the cheek, but closer to my lips than I’d expected. His skin was so white, I felt dirty in his presence. His body was muscled and slim. I felt the warmth of his skin, and through my partially closed eyes, I admired his blond hair that curved down around his neck. I sensed desire in his eyes. I felt as if a sudden veil of shyness had descended upon me. I reluctantly stepped back from him at first, but then he moved towards me.

I never had thought a day like this would come. My dreams were my sustenance, and in their company I’d hoped to spend the rest of my life, with only memories to hold of what was once my beautiful body before this disfiguring accident. The thin, soft hairs on my arms began to stand out, and a strange sensation of nervousness and
anxiety overtook me. This is what I wanted, so what was stopping me? I had told my eunuch I would just say farewell, and she was waiting for me… but didn’t she say she’d wait as long as I desired? She would wait for my desire, and Gabriel would do what I secretly desired… was this the day Jahanara’s desires would be fulfilled? Was I allowed to have desires, and if so, was I allowed to fulfill them? My heart started racing, and I began to sweat, still holding back but not pushing him away because my mind still hadn’t resolved this conflict.

After a lifetime spent in such a provocative institution – the zenana – I’d heard of everything sexual but been allowed to experience nothing. Now, fate had brought me here, with this man I’d loved since I first saw him, and who’d saved my life.
He feels the same way about me, and I’m not supposed to allow that?

I wanted to turn, run out, order Bahadur to take me away, but instead I waited as he touched me and kissed me. I kept expecting my mind to overtake my heart to resolve this dilemma, but my heart raced ahead, and I began feeling warmer, though I knew not where the heat was coming from. I was frightened, and at last I made a bargain with myself: I would allow myself to reciprocate just once, only to see how it felt; then I would pull back before I went too far. So I kissed him back, welcomed his advance, and then tried to pull back. But I was unable to. A voice inside me said, “Time to pull away…” but my body didn’t listen. I drowned in my emotion; there was no pulling back.

I walked out of the warehouse shortly before dawn. My hair was dishevelled, and I felt dirty. Strangely, I also felt liberated. A goodbye had turned into an embrace, and that in turn into a kiss, and then into something I should have been ashamed of but wasn’t. I felt I’d done something wrong, yet I wasn’t angry. It had all made sense as it was happening, as if a divine power was guiding two beings together that I had no control over and no right to oppose. Was this what made the zenana women yearn for their secret lovers? Was it for this that they lied, cheated, deceived and broke all the rules just for one night with their forbidden loves? Would I, from
this day forward, be considered one of them? Had I lowered myself to their level… or risen up to their level? My own confusion on the matter suffocated me.

The ride back to the fort was quiet. Bahadur’s stony face spoke nothing, as if she wasn’t interested in the details.