Mission: Earth "The Enemy Within"

The Crown refuses to take any responsibility for the effects that this highly fictional account may have on anyone who is gullible enough to believe that the planet "Earth" exists or that any of the ridiculous actions occurring thereon have anything to do with accepted fact.

The pretentious attempt to weave the names of a few actual figures, such as Jettero Heller, into a completely fabricated invention to give it the appearance of credibility is the worst form of dramatic license. That it also claims to be the "prison confession" of an admitted assassin whose entire life was devoted to lying, stealing, blackmail and every other form of criminal mayhem should itself be sufficient warning.

Therefore, anyone undertaking even a cursory reading of this collusory yarn does so at his own risk.

The so-called planet "Earth" does NOT exist and NO one can produce ANY evidence to claim otherwise.

Lord Invay

Royal Historian

Chairman, Board of Censors

Royal Palace, Voltar Confederacy

By Order of

His Imperial Majesty

Wully the Wise

Hi again!

As long as the Royal Publishing Code (Section 8) requires that any translated work "be so identified... by the licensed translatophone," I shall do so.

This work has been translated from Voltarian into your Earth language by yours truly, 54 Charlee Nine, your dues-paying Robotbrain in the Translatophone.

How I translated it for a nonexistent world speaking nonexistent languages is no real feat. I also interpret political speeches. And you may consider this boasting, but I can also translate judicial opinions.

So you see, I'm not required to correct fallacies and misconceptions. I just translate. It's when I run into vocabulary problems as I did in the last volume with hyperluminary (faster than light) phenomena that I am obligated to bring it up.

I have another such instance in this volume: electrons.

Earth scientists like things that go round and round, such as rats, wheels and politicians. So they think electrons are little "things" that whirl around other "things" called atoms.

Don't tell anybody, but they're wrong.

At some later point, they will find out that electrons aren't anything but motion. That's all. Nothing else. Just motion. The problem is that few know what motion is. If they did, they'd crack the "Einstein barrier" and come up with some solutions for a change.

So when you read in this volume how a machine "shifts electrons," just remember that it is another example of Earthbound, Neanderthal science.

As before, I am providing a Key to this volume. Don't let it be said Robotbrains don't help.

Sincerely,

54 Charlee Nine

Robotbrain in the Translatophone

Absorbo-coat—Coating that absorbs light waves, making the object virtually invisible or undetectable.

Afyon—City in Turkey where the Apparatus has a secret base. (See map.)

Antimanco—A race exiled long ago from the planet Manco for ritual murders.

Apparatus, Coordinated Information—The secret police of Voltar, headed by Lombar Hisst and manned by criminals.

Atalanta—Province on planet Manco settled by Prince Caucalsia who, per Folk Legend 894M, started a colony on BIito-P3 (Earth).

Babe Corleone—The six-foot-six leader of the Corleone mob, widow of "Holy Joe."

Barben, I. G.—Pharmaceutical company controlled by Delbert John Rockecenter.

Bawtch—Soltan Gris' chief clerk for Section 451 on Voltar.

Bildirjin, Nurse—Turkish teen-age girl hired by Prahd Bittlestiffender to assist him.

Bittlestiffender, Prahd—Voltar cellologist found by Soltan Gris, who implanted Jettero Heller with transmitters so Gris could monitor Heller's sight and hearing.

Blito—A yellow dwarf star with but one inhabitable planet in the third orbit (Blito-P3). It is about 22 1/2 light-years from Voltar.

Blito-P3—Planet known locally as "Earth." It is on the Invasion Timetable as a future way-stop on Voltar's route toward the center of this galaxy.

Blixo—Apparatus freighter that makes regular runs between Blito-P3 and Voltar. The voyage takes about six weeks each way.

Blueflash—A bright, blue flash of light used by Voltar ships to render anyone in the vicinity unconscious before landing. Also known as stunlight.

Bolz—Captain of the Blixo.

Bugging Gear—Electronic eavesdropping devices that Soltan Gris had implanted in Jettero Heller. Gris uses a video unit to monitor everything Heller sees or hears. The signals are picked up by the receiver and decoder that Gris carries. When Heller is more than 200 miles from Gris, the 831 Relayer is turned on to boost the signal. Gris stole them from Spurk.

Buhlshot—Chairman of the Board at F.F.B.O.

Bury—Delbert John Rockecenter's most powerful attorney, member of the firm Swindle and Crouch.

Caucalsia, Prince—According to Folk Legend 894M, he fled Manco during the Great Rebellion and set up a colony on Blito-P3. Also, the name given to Tug One.

Cellology—Voltarian medical science that can repair the body through the cellular generation of tissues, including entire body parts.

Code Break—Violation of Space Code a-36-544 M which prohibits alerting others that one is an alien. If this occurs, those alerted are destroyed and the violator is put to death.

Coordinated Information Apparatus—See Apparatus.

Corleone—A Mafia family now headed by Babe Corleone, a former Roxy chorus girl and widow of "Holy Joe."

Crobe, Doctor—Apparatus doctor and cellologist who examined Jettero Heller for his mission. He delights in making freaks.

Decoder—See Bugging Gear.

Empire University—Where Jettero Heller is taking classes in New York City.

Endow, Lord—Voltarian Lord of the Exterior, member of the Grand Council and Lombar Hisst's superior in the Voltarian government. Soltan Gris has placed Too-Too in his office to act as a spy.

Epstein, Izzy—Student at Empire University whom Jettero Heller hires to set up a corporate structure.

Exterior Division—That part of the Voltar government that reportedly contained the Apparatus.

Faht Bey—Turkish name of the commander of the secret Apparatus base in Afyon, Turkey.

F.F.B.O.—Fatten, Farten, Burstein and Ooze, the largest advertising firm in the world.

Flagrant, J. P.—A Vice President at F.F.B.O.

Fleet—The elite space fighting arm of Voltar to which Jettero Heller belongs and which the Apparatus despises.

Folk Legend 894M-The legend of how Prince Caucalsia fled Atalanta, Manco, to Blito-P3 where he set up a colony called "Atlantis."

Gracious Palms—The elegant whorehouse operated by the Corleone family across from the United Nations.

Grafferty, "Bulldog"—New York City police inspector on Faustino Narcotici's payroll.

Grand Council—The governing body of Voltar which ordered a mission to keep Blito-P3 from destroying itself so the Invasion Timetable could be maintained.

Gris, Soltan—Apparatus officer in charge of Blito-P3 (Earth) Section 451 and an enemy of Jettero Heller.

Heller, Jettero—Combat engineer and Royal officer of the Fleet, sent by Grand Council order to Blito-P3.

Hisst, Lombar—Head of the Coordinated Information Apparatus who, to keep the Grand Council from discovering his plan, sent Soltan Gris to sabotage Jettero Heller's mission.

"Holy Joe" Corleone—Head of the Corleone family until murdered. He did not believe in pushing drugs, hence his name.

Hot Jolt—A popular Voltarian drink.

Hypnohelmet—Device placed over the head and used to induce a hypnotic state.

Inkswitch—Name used by Soltan Gris when pretending to be a U.S. federal officer.

Invasion Timetable—A schedule of galactic conquest. The plans and budget of every section of Voltar's government must adhere to it. Bequeathed by Voltar's ancestors hundreds of thousands of years ago, it is inviolate and sacred and the guiding dogma of the Confederacy.

Karagoz—Turkish peasant, head of Soltan Gris' house in Afyon.

Krak, Countess—Condemned murderess, prisoner of Spiteos and sweetheart of Jettero Heller.

Madison, J. Walter—A public relations expert and former member of the staff at F.F.B.O. He is also known as J. Warbler Madman.

Magic Mail—Apparatus trick where a letter is mailed but won't be delivered as long as a designated card is regularly sent.

Manco—Similar to Blito-P3 and home planet of Jettero Heller and Countess Krak, it is the source of Folk Legend 894M.

Manco Devil—Mythological spirit native to Manco.

Mutazione, Mike—Owner of the Jiffy-Spiffy garage who customized, for Jettero Heller, the Cadillac and the vintage cab.

Narcotici, Faustino "The Noose"—Head of a Mafia family that is the underworld outlet for drugs from I.G. Barben and is seeking to take over the territory of the Corleone family.

Odur-See Oh Dear.

Oh Dear—Nickname for Odur, a clerk in Soltan Gris' Section 451. He, along with Too-Too, is forced by Gris to get information on Voltar and courier it to him on Earth.

Raht—An Apparatus agent on Blito-P3 who, with Terb, was assigned by Lombar Hisst to help Soltan Gris sabotage Jettero Heller's mission.

Receiver—See Bugging Gear.

Rimbombo, Bang-Bang—An ex-marine demolitions expert and member of the Corleone mob.

Rockecenter, Delbert John—Native of Blito-P3 who controls the planet's fuel, finance, governments and drugs.

Roke, Tars—Astrographer to the Emperor of Voltar, Cling the Lofty. Roke's discovery that Earth was destroying itself prompted the Grand Council to send Jettero Heller on Mission Earth.

Section 451—A Section in the Apparatus headed by Sol-tan Gris that is responsible for just one minor star, Blito, and one inhabitable planet in the 3rd orbit (Blito-P3) known locally as "Earth."

Silva, Gunsalmo—Former bodyguard to "Holy Joe" and believed to be the one responsible for killing the Corleone boss.

Simmons, Miss—A teacher at Empire University who has promised Jettero Heller she will flunk him out of school.

Slahb, Gyrant—A famous Voltarian cellologist whom Soltan Gris impersonated in order to persuade Dr. Prahd Bittlestiffender to help him on Blito-P3.

Snelz—Apparatus platoon commander at Spiteos, who befriended Jettero Heller and the Countess Krak when they were prisoners there.

Space Code a-36-544 M Section B Section of the Voltarian Space Code that prohibits landing and prematurely alerting the population of a target planet that is on the Invasion Timetable. Violation carries the death penalty.

Spiteos—The secret mountain fortress and prison run by the Apparatus on the planet Voltar where the Countess Krak and Jettero Heller had been imprisoned.

Spurk—Owner of "The Eyes and Ears of Voltar" company who was killed by Soltan Gris.

Stabb, Captain—Leader of the Antimanco crew that piloted Tug One.

Sultan Bey—The name Soltan Gris assumes in Afyon, Turkey.

Swindle and Crouch—Law firm that represents Delbert John Rockecenter's interests.

Tavilnasty, Jimmy "The Gutter"—Mobster who gave to Soltan Gris a list of criminals who will want face-change operations at Gris' hospital.

Tayl, Widow Pratia—Nymphomaniac on Voltar.

Terb—Apparatus agent on Blito-P3 who, with Raht, has been assigned by Lombar Hisst to help Soltan Gris sabotage Jettero Heller's mission.

Too-Too—Nickname for Twolah, a clerk in Soltan Gris' Section 451. He and Oh Dear are forced by Gris to get information on Voltar and courier it secretly back to him on Earth.

Tug One—Powered by the feared Will-be Was time drives, this spaceship is used by Jettero Heller to travel the 22 1/2 light-years to Earth. Heller renamed it the Prince Caucalsia.

Tup—An alcoholic beverage on Voltar.

Twiddle, Senator—U.S. Senator and supporter of John Delbert Rockecenter.

Twolah – See Too-Too.

Utanc—A belly dancer that Soltan Gris bought.

Vantagio—Manager of the Gracious Palms, the elegant whorehouse across the street from the United Nations, operated by the Corleone family.

Voltar—The home planet and seat of the 110-planet Confederacy that was established 125,000 years ago. At the time of Jettero Heller's mission, it is ruled by Cling the Lofty as the Emperor, through the Grand Council in accordance with the Invasion Timetable.

Will-be Was—The feared time drives that allow Jettero Heller to cover the 22 1/2-light-year distance between Blito-P3 (Earth) and Voltar in a little over three days.