Missing Hart (24 page)

“Alright Nikki Cooper, it’s time for the big question. You told me last night that you weren’t a lesbian. Does that mean you’ve never been attracted to a girl before?”

“Nope.”

“You never fooled around with any of your girlfriends during high school or the first few years of college?”

“No to that, too.”

“But you’re attracted to me?”

I felt the blush heat my cheeks as I nodded. “Yes, I am.”

Reaching across the table, she took my hand in hers and smiled at me as she gently caressed my palm and fingers. “I’m very attracted to you too Nikki, and I’d like to see where this leads. Are you open to that?”

The blush I broke out with this time had less to do with her words than it did with the fact that I was aroused by her touch. She licked her lips as she waited for me answer, and I felt myself dampen.

My voice sounded husky to my own ears when I replied, “Yes… I’m open.”

Chuckling she pulled my hand to her lips and gently sucked the pad of my index finger into her mouth. I moaned when she swirled her tongue around the tip of my finger, a corresponding blast of heat taking hold of my sex.

Smiling wickedly at me she said, “Not as open as you’re going to be. I might seem sweet and harmless, but once I got my sea legs as far as my sexuality is concerned, I quickly discovered that I like to be in charge in the bedroom. That means that when I say spread your legs you would follow that order and you wouldn’t ask questions. Do you think I can train you to respond to that? Because I think that I can.”

I tensed up, not liking the use of the word ‘train’. I wasn’t a dog or a toy and the way she said it reminded me of something people in my father’s world would have said.

Squeezing my hand to get my attention, she shook her head at me. “Hey, don’t panic. I’m not talking chains and whips or anything you might find degrading. I’d only be in charge when it came to sex. The when, the where, that kind of thing.”

Pulling my hand from hers I stiffly replied, “Actually, I found it degrading to be asked if I could be trained to respond the way you want me to. That holds absolutely no appeal to me. I’m happy for you that you’ve figured out what works for you, but that type of thing doesn’t work for me and it never will. When I get into a relationship it will be as a partner, not a submissive.”

My attraction to her had banked down considerably the second she said she wanted to train me, and in a way I was relieved that I wouldn’t be dipping my toe into an affair with a woman. Grabbing my wristlet from the tabletop I pulled out five twenties and threw them on the table, knowing that it would more than cover the bill and the tip.

Forcing a laugh I said, “The good news is that at least we found this out now instead of later. Dinner was my treat. It was nice to meet you Tally.”

Standing from the table, I hurried from the restaurant. I’d been a moron to agree to a date with a girl when I knew I wasn’t gay. All of my thoughts about how it seemed easier and less scary to be with a woman were totally wrong. Being told that I would be trained to spread my legs on command was a major turn off.

I walked briskly to the rear parking lot and was just at the door to my car when I heard Tally calling my name. Putting on a pleasant smile, I turned to see her coming up behind me.

“Nikki, don’t run from me. I’m sorry… I didn’t know that you would react the way that you did. I really like you and I don’t want to walk away before we see if this can go anywhere. I said I liked to be in charge, not that I had to be. If you don’t want that, I understand. We don’t have to have that kind of relationship. When I asked if you could be trained I wasn’t implying that I see you as a submissive. I said that wrong and I apologize. I’m used to dealing with the Mrs. Robinsons of the world, where it’s necessary to establish right out of the gate that you’re not going to be their sexual plaything. Can we try again?”

Leaning against my car door, I shrugged my shoulders. “I don’t know. It seemed like you were really into being the boss and that’s not something I can be talked into. I’m attracted to you, but I’m not attracted at all to that kind of sexual exchange. That makes it a wash for me.”

Stepping closer to me, she wrapped her arms around my waist and gently tugged me closer to her. Being in her arms made my heart rate speed accelerate and I unconsciously leaned into her. Obviously my attraction to her hadn’t waned.

“Give me a chance to prove to you that I’m nothing to be afraid of. You can call the shots, and if you don’t feel comfortable just tell me to stop, I will. I like you Nikki, and I don’t want to blow this. Can I kiss you?”

I was really going to do it. I was going to kiss a girl. Nodding my agreement, I parted my lips as she brought her hands up and cradled the back of my head before pulling my face to hers and settling her lips on mine.

She kissed me passionately, and I moaned when our tongues met and began sliding together. Her tongue was velvety smooth, and she tasted like the ice cream we had eaten for dessert. It wasn’t as intense as kissing Dillon was, but it was damn good.

Sliding one of her hands down from my hair to the top of my jeans, she slid her hand under my silk top and lightly caressed my stomach.. My nipples pebbled against my lace bra at the same moment my underwear went from damp to seriously wet, and I groaned into her mouth.

Ever so gently she traced little swirls across the skin of my stomach as we kissed, and I struggled not to hump against her like someone in heat. When her hand made its way up from my belly to my breasts, I went weak in the knees. No doubt about it, I was attracted to her.

She stroked my breast through my bra with just enough pressure to make me ache. I was lost in the moment, completely oblivious to the fact that we were in the parking lot of a restaurant. When she slowly broke the kiss and drew her hand back from under my shirt, I was shocked that I’d let things get so far.

Leaning her forehead against mine she started running her hands up and down my arms in a soothing motion. “This,” she said, “was better than I had imagined. Can I see you again?”

I nodded slowly before finally saying, “Um… I think… I mean, I guess… Uh, yeah.”

Chuckling she pulled back and dropped a kiss on my mouth.

“How about I give you a little time to think about it? I’ll call you soon and hopefully you’ll know for sure. There’s no guessing about this, at least not where you’re concerned. I need to know for sure that it’s what you want.”

“I understand.”

Kissing me again, she took a few steps back. “Good. Think about it… hard. I’ll be in touch.”

I wasn’t sure that I wanted to pursue anything with Tally. Although I was sexually attracted to her and I did find her to be a lot of fun, I didn’t feel anything serious toward her. I wasn’t sure how okay I was with starting something with her when I had no intention of having it go anywhere. After going over it in my mind for a few days, I finally bit the bullet and went to Leah for advice.

Taking a seat on her living room couch I blurted, “I have a dilemma and I need your advice.”

“Ooh, that sounds juicy! Alright, hit me with it.”

Fidgeting with the bottom of my shirt I blurted out, “Remember that girl from the other night at the gay bar, Tally? Well, I’m attracted to her. We went on a date the other night and we kissed… and it was good. Like, really good. I was all gung ho about the date until she said something about training me and then I lost the thread entirely, but she brought me back in the end and then the kiss… but now, I just don’t know. I’m attracted to her but this isn’t something I feel like I HAVE to explore, if that makes sense. It isn’t life or death, not like with Dil… well, you know. Anyway. I know this can’t go anywhere serious and I wouldn’t want it to. But I can’t deny that I am attracted to her and I’m open to exploring that. I haven’t had any kind of sex in over three years and she’s the first person I’ve been attracted to since him. What do you think I should do?”

“Oh honey… Is the real issue the fact that she’s a girl or that it isn’t Dillon?

“She’s not Dillon,” I admitted on a sigh. “He never got that I was serious when I told him that I loved him with my whole heart and soul, but I meant every word. That last day when he broke up with me and threw me out of his house, he said I was just a fickle teenager and that I only thought I was completely in love with him. He couldn’t have been more wrong. I love him just as much today as I did then. Even though I’m hurt and I’m angry, it hasn’t changed the fact that he’s the choice that my heart made. The irony of the fact that he was the one who moved on without a backwards glance is just another slap in the face to me from the universe. He’ll always be the only one, even if thirty years passes. Honestly, I don’t think I could let another man touch me. I’d feel like a whore for substituting someone else for him. At least if I do something with Tally, I won’t be closing my eyes pretending that it’s him.”

“Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold on a second! How has this never come up before? Are you seriously telling me that you haven’t been with anyone since Dillon?”

Shaking my head I said, “Absolutely not. No dates, no kisses, no nothing.”

After studying me silently for a few seconds with a shocked expression on her face she asked, “You’ve thought this entire time that he just moved on and that was that?”

It was the first time that she had ever asked me a question about what had happened between her brother and me, and I knew that I needed to choose my words carefully. Although I was her best friend, she was very loyal to her brother and I didn’t want her to think that I was insulting him.

“I don’t just think it Lee, I know it. I called him, texted him and wrote him letters-and I never heard a word back from him. The one time that I’ve seen him in all of these years he couldn’t even look at me. Looking back I’ve realized that I was just a transitional person to him. He was emotionally wrecked after what happened with Marissa. He needed to be touched and loved, needed the physicality of a real relationship. I just happened to be right there. If it hadn’t been me, it would have been someone else. Unfortunately for my heart, I couldn’t tell the difference.”

Biting her lip, she shook her head and shut her eyes for a moment before responding. “Because he’s my brother, I can’t say much. But what I can say with absolute certainty is that what you believe happened isn’t even close to the truth. You two stubborn asses should have had some kind of discussion about this… I mean, you’re sitting here thinking he didn’t care but I’ve seen the evidence to the contrary.”

We were in dangerous territory and I knew it. Having four siblings myself (Spencer counts) I knew that loyalty to family always came first. I would never divulge something private about someone in my family to anyone else, even if my family member was totally in the wrong. You had to stay loyal to the people that were loyal to you, and Leah and I both knew that all too well.

Making a dismissive hand gesture I said, “Look, I know you can’t talk to me about this and I wouldn’t expect you to. What’s done is done and the past can’t be changed. Let’s drop that portion of the conversation and move back to my Tally problem. What do you think that I should do?”

“I think that only you can answer that question. It looks to me like you’re on the fence, but things change and anything could happen. If you’re asking me if I think it’s weird that you’re attracted to a girl, the answer is no. Once upon a time, I was in love with a girl. Nothing ever happened, but that doesn’t change the fact that my heart loved hers regardless of the fact that I’m not wired to be a lesbian. Sometimes love is love, regardless of gender.”

I gaped at her, completely thrown by her confession. “You were in love with a girl? Talk about things that come from out of the blue! Who is she?”

She gave me the saddest look before she replying, “It was Marissa, of course. The fact that I loved her like crazy didn’t change the fact that she couldn’t be touched. She decided to make it ‘easier’ on me by asking Dillon to marry her because knew that once they were married, nothing could ever happen between us. Regardless of the fact that they didn’t ever have a physical relationship, I was never going to be able to date my brother’s ex-wife. From the moment she made that decision she forced me to treat her like a true sister, right down to having me call her sissy. It fucking killed me for a few years there and it felt like the worst kind of cruelty.”

“She insisted that what she did saved me a lifetime of pain, but I disagreed then and I disagree now. I loved her and her inability to let me in damn near destroyed me. It wasn’t that she wasn’t attracted to me, wasn’t that she wasn’t in love with me, because she was both. Although I wasn’t a lesbian, she was and I was the person she fell for. It was so sad really-she knew what she wanted and whom she loved, but she just couldn’t be touched and she refused to try. When she first brought you around I was incredibly jealous because I thought she liked you.”

“Oh Leah,” I whispered, “That’s so damn sad. It’s just another thing that Marissa was denied because of that monster. I’m surprised that Dillon agreed to marry her, given the fact that you were in love with her.”

“He didn’t know and he never will. She gave him some bullshit story about needing normal and since he had no reason not to believe her, he never questioned it.”

“You’ve never been attracted to another girl after Marissa?”

“Not even close. I loved her enough to get past the fact that she was a girl, but I’m very attracted to men. At least I was… before the night that Michael did what he did.”

Taking her hand in mine, I gave it a squeeze of understanding. “You’re doing so good Lee. When you’re ready for something serious, you’ll find the guy for you.”

Squeezing my hand back she smiled, “I believe that you know. I haven’t given up hope and neither should you. If Tally is what you want, make it happen. There’s nothing wrong with having a relationship that isn’t meant to be the great love of your life. Knowing what I know now about your lack of physical contact since Dillon, I’d even argue that it could be a really good step for you.”