Missing (45 page)

Still in shock, Vivienne sank down on the chair’s arm, then watched in alarm as Jacqueline peeled off her wig as though it were a hat, and dropped it on the seat beside her. Beneath was her more familiar, slightly mussed blonde hair clasped, as usual, in a velvet slide. Vivienne’s eyes went back to hers, searching for a glint of malice, or anger, or worse, derangement, and found herself more unnerved than ever by the air of perfect calm.

‘You must know,’ Vivienne said, attempting to take control, ‘that everyone’s been looking for you.’

Jacqueline nodded.

‘So where have you been?’

‘Actually, not far from here.’

Vivienne’s mind was racing; she was finding it hard to think straight. ‘Why haven’t you been in touch?’ she asked. ‘Miles has been so worried.’

The corners of Jacqueline’s lips tilted upwards, as though to smile, but it didn’t reach her eyes.

‘You seem not to believe me,’ Vivienne said.

Jacqueline still didn’t speak, only turned to look at Rufus.

With her heart in her mouth Vivienne’s eyes moved to him too, and she almost shouted in protest as he began crawling towards Jacqueline’s bag. ‘No darling, it’s not yours,’ she said, starting to get up.

‘It’s OK,’ Jacqueline said, putting up a hand to stop her. ‘He can play with it.’

‘But he might …’

‘Please, leave him. He’s just a baby, he can’t do any harm.’

Vivienne sat down again, and willed Alice and Angus to turn up right now. ‘I’m expecting some friends,’ she said, hoping it would unsettle Jacqueline enough to make her leave, but Jacqueline merely continued to watch Rufus as he beat a clumsy tattoo on her bag.

‘You know, I’ve lived in such fear of Miles having another son,’ she said softly. ‘It’s one of the reasons I couldn’t let him go. It would have seemed so wrong, so dismissive of Sam, yet now it’s happened …’ Her eyebrows rose as she shook her head in bewilderment. ‘I never needed to be afraid,’ she said, almost to herself. ‘If only I’d known.’ Then, looking at Vivienne, ‘You should take good care of him. He’s very precious.’

‘Yes, of course,’ Vivienne said hoarsely. And, clearing her throat, ‘Jacqueline, why – why are you here?’

Jacqueline’s eyes returned to Rufus. ‘It’s occurred to me a few times this past week,’ she said, not answering the question, ‘that if Sam is dead, your son could be his little spirit returned.’

Vivienne’s heart turned cold.

Jacqueline looked up and smiled sympathetically. ‘You don’t want to think that, do you?’ she said. ‘I don’t blame you, I’m sure I wouldn’t either, in your shoes.’

Vivienne said nothing. All she knew was a desperate urge to grab Rufus and run, but Jacqueline was closer to both him and the door.

‘Do you know St Anne’s, in Kew?’ Jacqueline asked.

Confused, Vivienne said, ‘Do you mean the church?’

Jacqueline nodded. ‘The clock sometimes strikes odd hours, did you realise that? Four chimes at three o’clock, or fourteen at midday. It’s all quite random. They’ve been trying to get it repaired for years, the vicar told me. I find it rather amusing, myself. It’s as though it’s out of step with the world. I keep wondering if that’s why I feel so at home there.’

Vivienne stared at her, not knowing what to say. Then the phone rang on the table behind her and she started violently.

‘Please don’t answer,’ Jacqueline said.

Vivienne’s eyes grew wider.

‘I won’t take up much of your time,’ Jacqueline promised.

They sat in silence listening to Alice’s voice chirping into the answering machine. ‘Hey, it’s me. You’re probably in the loo, or garage or somewhere. Sorry we’re not there yet. Angus got caught up with a client on the phone, and I’ve just realised I need to call in at the office on the way over, so we’ll probably be at least another half an hour to an hour. Hope that’s OK. Call me if it’s a problem, otherwise see you then. Bye.’

Vivienne’s eyes stayed on Jacqueline. Her heart was like a fist in her chest, clenched with dread. No interruption imminent, and she couldn’t risk leaving the room to make a call.

‘Do you go to church?’ Jacqueline asked, as if there had been no break in the conversation.

Vivienne shook her head. ‘No,’ she answered.

‘But you believe?’

Vivienne only looked at her. What did she want her to say? ‘I’m not sure,’ she answered. ‘Sometimes, yes, I guess I do.’

‘I didn’t, for years. I had no reason to. I’m not sure I
do
now, but I like that church, so I go inside and sit there for a while.’

‘Do you – do you find it a comfort?’ Vivienne ventured after a pause.

Jacqueline nodded. ‘Mm, though it’s hard to say why. Perhaps because no one there expects anything of me. I don’t think they’re even very interested in who I am. No one’s ever asked my name.’

‘Would you tell them, if they did?’

Jacqueline’s hands tightened their hold on each other. ‘I’d probably say I was Anne Cates,’ she confessed. ‘It’s a name I’ve been using. It belonged to a great-aunt of mine on my mother’s side. I never knew her. She was an artist and some of her works were passed down to me. A couple of them were quite good, actually, but I’ve let them go now. Everything has to go in the end.’

Wondering what lay beneath the final words, Vivienne said, unsteadily, ‘Your – your phone. The one you used to call the police. They said it’s registered under that name at my office address.’

Jacqueline seemed surprised, then vaguely contrite. ‘I’m afraid it was the only one I could come up with at the time,’ she said, ‘and I felt sure you wouldn’t mind. There’s no harm done, is there?’ she asked.

‘No, no,’ Vivienne assured her. ‘I just … Well, it was … Actually,’ she said, gesturing towards Rufus, ‘I need to go and change him.’

Jacqueline looked down at him. ‘He seems fine to me,’ she said, and lifting a hand she rested it gently on his head. ‘I think he can wait a while longer, can’t you, little fellow?’

Rufus gazed up at her with wide blue eyes.

She laughed softly. ‘You know, I’m trying to work
out
who he’s most like, you or Miles,’ she said. ‘With you both being dark it’s hard to tell, but perhaps his father has the edge. What do you think?’ Before Vivienne could answer she made a humorous tutting sound. ‘Of course you’ll see Miles in him much more than yourself. It was a silly question. Please ignore it.’

Vivienne’s gaze returned to the slim hand on Rufus’s head. What was she intending to do? How much longer before she became angry or vengeful or even violent? ‘I think we need to let Kelsey know you’re safe,’ she suddenly suggested, praying it was the right thing to say.

Jacqueline’s eyes came up from Rufus.

‘She’s been extremely worried,’ Vivienne told her. ‘She’s even run away … I mean, she’s here in London, actually. At your house. I’m sure it would help her a lot to hear your voice.’

Though Jacqueline’s expression softened in a smile, behind it she seemed agitated and upset. ‘I can’t help her,’ she said quietly.

‘But you’re her mother.’

‘She’s better off without me. I’m just messing up her life. It’s all I’ve ever done, since the day she was born.’

Eager to keep the subject off Rufus, Vivienne said, ‘If you’d engage with her, let her know that she matters every bit as much as Sam … Doesn’t she at least deserve to be given a chance?’

Jacqueline returned her gaze to Rufus. ‘He’s not as much like Sam as I expected,’ she said, stroking his cheek. ‘Probably because he’s dark and Sam was fair, like me.’ She swallowed and took a breath that trembled in her throat. ‘Why do you think such a terrible thing happened?’ she asked, keeping her head down.

Vivienne’s heart folded around the bewilderment in her voice. ‘I don’t know,’ she answered gently. ‘I’m just so sorry that it did.’

‘No one knows, and everyone’s sorry. It hasn’t brought him back, though, has it?’

‘Any one of us would if we knew how.’

When Jacqueline’s eyes came up they showed a light of gratitude. ‘But we’re restricted by the hand of destiny,’ she said. ‘We can’t change what’s meant to be, no matter how awful it is. Do you believe that?’

Again Vivienne was unsure how to answer.

‘Some would say that it was my destiny to lose a child; that it is the only reason I came to this world, to suffer in order to make myself at one with God. Would you say that?’

Vivienne tentatively shook her head.

‘But you have to agree it’s an answer of sorts.’

‘I guess it could be. Is it one you accept?’

Jacqueline swallowed and looked away. ‘I can think of no good reason to lose a child,’ she said, ‘so I understand why some find it helpful to go to a bigger picture, or a nebulous creation that might have some hidden meaning in its complexities, or even a purpose in its random strokes. If nothing else it absolves you of responsibility, because you can’t be to blame for things over which you have no control.’ She paused for a moment. ‘At what point was it decided that our lives, yours and mine, would intersect, and by whom?’ she asked, and smiled sadly. ‘Don’t worry, I’m not expecting you to answer, or even to engage with my ramblings, I’m just giving you an example of what goes through my head, and how impossible I find it to make any sense of my life.’ She looked up. ‘I see myself in you, the way I used to be,’ she said. ‘I had everything
worked
out; I knew where we were going, Miles and I – we had a son with another child on the way; he was already doing well and I believed in him the way you do now. It never occurred to me that anything could go wrong, because like you, I had faith in people and trust in life. It’s a good way to be, even though it’s an illusion, because things rarely turn out the way we expect.’ She took a deep breath and brushed her fingers lightly over Rufus’s cheek.

Taut with misgiving Vivienne watched her movements, while praying that this wasn’t leading up to something terrible and calamitous.

‘If I were to get to know you, I think I’d like you,’ Jacqueline told her with a curious smile. ‘I have an instinct about you that makes me think you’re as genuine as I used to be, and as caring. You do care, don’t you?’

Vivienne’s eyes were wary as she nodded.

‘Yes of course. You care about your son, your mother, your friends, the girl you’re trying to help, Miles … What about Kelsey, do you care about her?’

Not knowing whether the answer should be yes or no, Vivienne decided to go with the truth. ‘Very much,’ she answered softly.

‘But only because of Miles?’

Vivienne swallowed. ‘If it weren’t for him I wouldn’t know her.’

‘So you mind about Kelsey as Miles’s daughter, not as a person in her own right?’

‘I’ve hardly had the chance to get to know her, but I’m sure, if I did—’

‘I’m not trying to trick you,’ Jacqueline cut in. ‘I’m merely trying to find out if you’ll take good care of her.’

Vivienne stiffened. ‘I can never replace you,’ she said. ‘You’re her mother. It’s you she wants to have a—’

‘But it’s you she’s going to get – or are you hoping I’ll take custody of her so you and Miles can be alone with your son?’

‘No, that’s not …’ Oh God, which was the best way to answer that?

‘I’m afraid she wouldn’t come to me, even if I suggested it,’ Jacqueline went on. ‘It would be wrong of me to, anyway, I’d only carry on hurting her, which is all I’ve ever done. Has she met Rufus yet?’

Vivienne shook her head. ‘She’s not … Well, she hasn’t taken too well to the idea of him.’

Jacqueline nodded, and her face showed her inner strain. ‘I’m sure she’ll come round, in time,’ she said. Then she started to laugh as Rufus grabbed the hem of her coat to pull himself up. ‘How clever you are,’ she told him as he began bouncing up and down in front of her. ‘Is he walking?’

‘Oh, yes,’ Vivienne answered.

‘Mum, mum, brrrrrsssst!’ he gurgled, ending with a shower of bubbles.

‘May I?’ Jacqueline said, putting her hands under Rufus’s arms to lift him.

Vivienne’s heart rose to her mouth. The answer was
no, no, no
, but she was already picking him up.

‘There you are,’ Jacqueline cooed, settling him on her lap. ‘Is that nice?’

Spotting the wig, Rufus made a dive for it.

Jacqueline passed it to him, and seemed to enjoy the way he began tearing it apart. ‘He’s very sociable,’ she commented.

‘Yes,’ Vivienne said, the word seeming to skim across the top of her lungs.

‘That’s not always a good thing, as I found to my cost,’ and leaning forward she touched her lips to Rufus’s cheek. ‘You know, this is the first time I’ve held a baby since Sam was taken.’

Vivienne’s tension grew. ‘What about Kelsey?’ she reminded her.

Jacqueline frowned, and once again Vivienne glimpsed an inner struggle behind the mask. ‘What I should have said,’ she corrected, ‘is it’s the first time I’ve held a baby boy since Sam.’ Then to Rufus, ‘I can imagine how proud your daddy must be of you. He’s very lucky to have you.’

Vivienne could barely move. Her head was spinning, her chest was tight with fear.

‘He deserves you,’ Jacqueline continued, smiling down into Rufus’s watchful eyes. ‘He’s a good man. Difficult, but good. And loyal.’ She looked at Vivienne. ‘Wouldn’t you agree, Miles is loyal?’

Vivienne only looked at her.

‘He never told me about Rufus, you know?’

‘He didn’t know. He only found out recently.’

Jacqueline was puzzled. ‘You didn’t tell him he had a son?’

Vivienne was mute. What could she say that wasn’t going to offend her? ‘You two had only just got back together,’ she managed. ‘It would have complicated things …’

As understanding dawned in Jacqueline’s eyes Vivienne braced herself ready to snatch Rufus from her lap, but Jacqueline merely looked away and continued to play with him as though it was something she did every day. ‘Round and round the garden, like a teddy bear, one step, two step, tickle you under there,’ and she laughed along with Rufus,
hugging
him to her as though she’d known him since birth.

Unsure whether she was more confused or afraid, Vivienne struggled for something to say that might take Jacqueline’s mind off Rufus, or even prompt her to put him down. In the end, she said, ‘Jacqueline, why did you disappear the way you did? What was the point of alarming everyone like that?’