Missed Connections (11 page)

"Yeah."

"Why?"

"I wanted to talk."

"About last night?"

Rob shrugged. "Not really," he said. "I get that you were drunk and everybody was being kind of emotional, and anyway it wasn't like a really groundbreaking kiss. No, wait, I don't mean it wasn't nice or I didn't like it but it was like a peck on the ear and it doesn't have to count."

Jack turned to him again. "It didn't count?"

So this was going to be one of
those
situations, where it was impossible to say the right thing. Rob said, "It doesn't
have to
count."

"So what did you come up here to talk about?"

"Your dad said all those things. And I have no real memories of us as kids. And you've been kind of pissed off at me since we first met. Or second, whatever. Since the first time I remembered meeting you. Though I guess I have some vague memories of you, but I didn't know it. But yeah. All of that."

"All of what? You're not making a tremendous amount of sense."

Rob took in Jack's scowl and he almost just turned around and walked back down the trail to the campground. They were probably eating down there by now. But he took in a deep breath and started over. "You said it wasn't my fault that you're pissed off at me but I think it probably is. I think I probably did something awful when we were in middle school and you've got some good reason to be pissed off at me still. And I like you a lot but that's not the point. The point is that I'm sorry for what it was and I'd like to know so I could do like Charles and never do it again. But I guess you have a right not to talk to me about it if you don't want to."

"Oh, for fuck's sake," Jack said, shaking his head. "So now you're convinced you were a juvenile monster and you have some huge crime to atone for? I'm sorry you got that impression, I really am. It's not like that at all. You didn't do anything."

"There's got to be a reason you're so annoyed all the time."

"There is. But you didn't do anything."

"So tell me."

Jack started walking in the same direction that led them up here. Rob fell in behind.

"I don't want to tell you," Jack said.

"I guess you don't have to. But why don't you want to?"

"Obviously because it makes me look even stupider than you."

Rob turned that over in his mind for a bit, and then Jack answered himself. "Wait, no, that's not possible. I guess it makes me look
as stupid as
you."

"I'm down with that," Rob said. "Leveling the field looks real good to me just now."

"Okay." But Jack didn't follow up on it for a while, and they just walked on around the brow of the mountain in silence for a while.

"Okay," Jack said again. "I'm going to assume you don't remember anything about us from forever, because it seems like it's impossible to overestimate your capacity for forgetfulness."

"Probably," Rob said.

"It's a fucking miracle you ever passed a test. Do you, like, cheat or something?"

"No, of course not!" Rob said, horrified. "I study a lot. I never take crap for granted."

Jack shook his head peevishly. Rob waited for the story, which seemed not to be coming. At least the surroundings were beautiful. Maybe if Rob was lucky, when he finally did get a job in his field, he'd get to spend at least some of his time up here. More likely he'd be checking vacant lots in deserted suburbs for lead levels.

Approaching consensus

Fortunately, Jack eventually started talking again. "Right. Okay, so we were little kids together. Our moms said we were best friends but I don't think we were. I was really into you but you hardly noticed whether I was there or not. But—"

"Is that what I did? Ignored you when we were in preschool or something?"

"Or something. You want to hear this? Don't interrupt."

"Sorry. I'll try."

"I sort of exaggerated about you not noticing. But I was running around after you all the time. Sometimes it was because I wanted to play with you and you were so busy doing your own thing that you just didn't give me the space to do it. Other times I was chasing you to tie your shoes or whatever. Then you went through that period where you were getting into fights with older kids for some stupid reason I never understood and I was always rescuing you. So that went on for years. Though it wasn't so much in elementary because you were busy with your actual friends. And then there was middle school and I realized something about myself and I told you."

"Oh shit, I'm sorry. I didn't know about any of that stuff until later. Really sorry for whatever homophobic crap I came out with. I'd say I never meant it but I don't remember what it was or what I was thinking…"

"You
didn't.
No wonder you don't remember stuff, Rob, you don't listen in the first place," Jack snapped. "I
said
you didn't do anything."

"Then why—"

"I told you I was gay, and you said it was cool, and then started playing ping pong with this guy, and I realized in that moment that you didn't have the first clue, and that if I had told you the rest you'd have been equally useless about that. And I remembered that some of your friends had tried to freeze me out by saying you didn't care about me, and I realized it was true, and I decided not to hang around you anymore. It took a couple of weeks of trying before I succeeded in avoiding you, but I did, and then we were in high school and I made my own group of friends and didn't have to deal with you again till college when you suddenly started following me around, changing into my major and all sorts of crap, and that's when I started getting pissed off."

"I wasn't following you around. I changed majors because I got interested in the subject."

"Right, but it
felt like
you were following me around. And you were the same as ever, charming and socially dopey but nobody cares, they all love you anyway, and somehow everything you do turns to gold even though you approach it in the most annoyingly callow way, and you're still cute and good hearted but clueless, only now you're giving me fucking goo-goo eyes and I can't be dealing with that, right? Because if I get attached to you and you wander off in a dumbshit clueless haze again I'll want to put my fist through a wall."

"Oh," Rob said. "Sorry." Numbly, he turned to walk down the path. The verdict was in: Jack had already considered Rob's case and rejected him.  

He didn't stumble, but if the trail had been steep, he wouldn't have been certain about his footing. As Rob walked away he picked up speed and by the time he noticed the sound of gravel crunching in front of him he was nearly running and almost back to the campground.

When he looked up to see who was coming up the path he was confused. How could Jack be in front of him?

"It's a loop trail," Jack said. "We were closer to the trailhead in that direction. It was faster for me to catch you going this way. What the hell, anyway? You just walked away without staying to talk? You're the one who wanted to hash this crap out. And are you
crying
?"

"I am not crying. What should I stay for? You answered the question I came for, told me I was stupid and you didn't want anything to do with me, so what's left? More discussion of my faults? Or more apologies you wouldn't accept? I figure it's time for me to go lick my wounds."

"You totally are crying and it's my fault and I'm sorry. I'm just a pissy bastard when I'm frustrated and I get really frustrated around you."

"I'm not
crying,
" Rob said. "I'm all apologized out. I'm not apologizing for your frustration. I'm frustrated too, but I'll get over it. I'm not going to cling to an unrequited crush forever."

"It's only unrequited if it's only a crush," Jack said, tilting his chin in a gesture that drew Rob's eyes up to his face. He had a serious, searching expression, as if he was gauging Rob's distress and how much responsibility to take for it. "If it's more—"

"It's only a crush if it can't go anywhere," Rob said. "But you've already said it can't, so I don't even know why you're talking to me."

"Because you're not the only dumbass here. I'm trying to talk some kind of consensus and everything I say goes opposite to what I intended."

"I think we've already gotten a consensus, right? The consensus is Rob's an idiot and Jack's been done with him for over ten years. Good enough?"

"No—"

"I'm hungry. I'm going to go eat lunch before they clean it all up."

Somebody just like you

There was still food, but choices were limited and Rob ended up with a recherché combination of vegetables and tempeh in an unpromising-looking brown sauce. Fortunately it tasted much better than it looked.

"Where have you been?" asked Maria, gnawing happily on a gleaming bare rib.

"Is there even a shred of meat left on that?" Rob asked.

"Nope," Maria said cheerfully. "I'm just letting my inner carnivore out to play. Unlike you. What is that anyway?" she asked. "And where were you? With your sweetie?"

"I don't have a sweetie. I went for a walk. And I guess this is a curry, it tastes okay anyway."

"That's eggplant in there, which means it is not okay. And I don't think you are either."

"Me? I'm excellent. Lunch is in front of me and I'm in the mountains. Tomorrow I'm going back to the beach. What more could I want?"

"Jack?"

"You have no idea what you're talking about," Rob said. "Pass me the ketchup."

He didn't have any catering duties after lunch, so he went looking for Stanny, who was holed up in the tent playing a game.

"I don't need a chaperone," Stanny grumbled when he saw Rob.

"I do," said Rob.

"If you don't want to whatever, just say no," Stanny said. When Rob glared at him, he said "What?"

"Nobody's trying to get me to do anything," Rob said. "That's part of the problem."

"Please don't talk to me about boys," Stanny said.

"I won't."

A voice came outside the tent. "Anybody in there?" it asked. "I'm looking for Rob."

His pulse pounding, Rob stood up and went to the tent flap. "I'm here," he said as he opened it. But it wasn't Jack out there, it was Charles.

"Wondering if you'd take a walk with me?" Charles asked.

"Uh, yeah," Rob said stupidly. "Where?"

"Up the loop, maybe? The view's great."

Stumbling into his shoes, Rob followed Charles, thinking desperately
please don't let this be about Jack, please please.
Because who knew what the parental types thought about Jack and Rob's history? And Charles of all people, after his frankly creepy disclosures the night before. But for the first few minutes it was all about the scree, snowmelt, and climate change.

By the time they reached the outlook Rob was disarmed. When Charles said, "Jack told me a lot about you," it came as a surprise blow and he didn't have anything prepared. He blurted, "Uh, what did he tell you?" Meanwhile his mind was flailing and saying
get me out of here, get me out…

"He told me about your senior paper. I hope you don't mind that he gave it to me to read. It was a nice bit of meta-analysis. I've seen worse in professional papers. You're going to grad school?"

"Not unless I have to," Rob said. "I was kind of planning on doing grunt work for EIRs or something."

"Like I do," Charles said, snickering. "You mind doing soil samples in The Valley? It's outdoor work, but it's not as pretty as this and the weather can be nasty."

"No, I'd love to do that," Rob said, as his mind was doing the wild confusion dance, was Charles actually offering him a job?

"You'd be literally just taking samples for the time being, nothing more complicated. I mean, a chimp could do it, but we'd rather have qualified scientists for some reason."

"It's actually what I've been looking for since forever," Rob said. "I'm pretty good at following directions."

"Okay, so, we're a small outfit and not real formal, but we have to fill out all the government papers. You working now? How much notice you think you'll have to give them?"

"Considering they didn't promise me I would be coming back to an actual job, I don't think I have to give much notice at all."

"In that case, you should just get back down to SLO before too long, and we'll get you in the field as fast as we can so we can get the dry season samples done while there's still a dry season."

"Thank you—just thanks," Rob said. "Sorry, I can't think of what I should say. I'm really grateful for the chance. You don't know how many applications I've put in and no return calls or emails."

"I think I have an idea. It's the funding. The jobs are there, but there's no money to hire people to do them. But I'm lucky, I've got contracts that need to be filled, which means I need somebody just like you."

Rob could do it; he could work for strange Charles and with Jack who didn't want him. It was a
job
in his chosen career. He could do anything.

Honeymoon time

The rest of the walk around the loop trail, and probably a half hour after that, was taken up with a discussion of the working routines of Charles's company and the expectations Charles would have for Rob. Then Charles left, saying "Honeymoon time, kiddo!" as Rob shuddered.

Only after Charles left that did Rob allow himself to worry even a little bit about how working in the same company as Jack would be. For his part, he was willing to let bygones be bygones, but he didn't know about Jack. Well, he knew a little, and it wasn't promising.

On the other hand, during that whole time in senior seminar, Jack had been harboring a deep resentment against Rob and he hadn't shown it in more than an occasional sour face. He had been actively helpful when it came to the planning and writing of Rob's paper, and then recommended Rob to Charles. So that didn't smack of vindictiveness, at least. And they probably wouldn't be working together. And if they were, well, Rob could deal.

He could stop pretending he didn't care. If they were working together, maybe he could prove himself to Jack and they could…

Nope nope nope. Not holding out hopes, that was dumb.