Miss Lazar Is Bizarre! (4 page)

Mr. Klutz was just hanging there off the side of the school, a few feet from the top. We all gasped. Somebody ran to get Miss Daisy and Mrs. Cooney, the school nurse. Miss Daisy had helped us once before, when Mr. Klutz got stuck on the top of the flagpole and had to be lowered down.

“You're doing great!” Andrea shouted up to Mr. Klutz. “Keep going!”

“I can't!” Mr. Klutz yelled down.

“Then go up to the top!” Ryan shouted up.

“I can't!” Mr. Klutz yelled down.

“Why not?” we all shouted up.

“I'm afraid I'll fall!” Mr. Klutz yelled down.

I guess it's a lot easier to climb
up
a wall than it is to climb back
down
a wall. Mr. Klutz was frozen up there. He couldn't move.

By that time the whole school was outside watching him. Miss Small, our gym teacher, had some kids go get a bunch of
tumbling mats from the gym. She put them on the ground below Mr. Klutz so if he fell, he wouldn't end up like Humpty Dumpty.

“This is all your fault, A.J.!” said Andrea. “You're the one who said we should start an emergency.”

“Hey, you're the one who said he was depressed!” I told Andrea. “And you said I was a genius. It's your fault.”

“Is not!”

“Is too!”

We went on like that for a while, until Mrs. Cooney said she was going to call the fire department on her cell phone. They could bring over a long ladder and rescue Mr. Klutz.

“Don't call the fire department!” yelled down Mr. Klutz.

“Why not?” asked Mrs. Cooney.

“I play racquetball with the fire chief once a week,” Mr. Klutz yelled down. “If he finds out about this, he'll never let me hear the end of it.”

“So what should we do?” asked Miss Daisy.

“Call Miss Lazar!” yelled down Mr. Klutz.

“But it's her day off,” said Miss Daisy.

“Just call her!”

It was the most amazing sight in the history of the world! Mr. Klutz was hanging off the side of the school. He could fall at any moment. And we would get to see it, live and in person. It was a real Kodak moment. You should have been there!

One of the teachers ran to the office to
get Miss Lazar's home phone number. Mrs. Cooney called the number on her cell phone.

“Tell her to hurry!” yelled down Mr. Klutz. “I can't hang on here forever!”

It was about a million hundred hours until we heard the sound of Miss Lazar's scooter buzzing up the street. She screeched to a halt and hopped off. Everybody cheered.

“This looks like a job for Super Custodian!” said Miss Lazar. “How did you get up there, Mr. Klutz?”

“Never mind that,” he yelled. “How am I going to get
down
?”

Miss Lazar looked at the wall. She
looked at Mr. Klutz. Then she looked at me.

“A.J.,” she said, “remember the secret room I showed you in my office? I need you to run down there as fast as you can. Open the door and get my blue plunger. It has a hole in the wooden handle.”

“Why do you want a toilet plunger
now
?” I asked.

“Go!” Miss Lazar said. “Duty calls!”

Miss Lazar said “duty” again.

I ran as fast as I could to Miss Lazar's office. I grabbed the blue plunger from the wall in the secret room. When I ran back out to the playground with it, Miss Lazar had already climbed up to the roof
of the school. She had a rope in her hand. Mr. Klutz was still hanging off the wall, a few feet below her.

“Throw me the plunger, A.J.!” Miss Lazar yelled.

I threw the plunger up on the roof, being careful not to hit Mr. Klutz with it. Miss Lazar tied the rope to the plunger.

“What's she doing?” somebody asked.

“Who knows?” Michael said.

Miss Lazar leaned over the edge of the-
roof with the toilet bowl plunger in her hand.

“Okay, Mr. Klutz,” she said. “I need you to hold steady. I'm going to mash this plunger against the top of your head.”

“What?!” yelled Mr. Klutz.

“After the plunger is stuck to your head,” said Miss Lazar, “I'll be able to lower you down to the ground.”

“That's crazy,” said Miss Daisy, “but it just might work!”

Miss Lazar jammed the plunger against Mr. Klutz's shiny bald head until it stuck there.

“Does it feel like it's on good and tight?” asked Miss Lazar.

“Yes!” said Mr. Klutz. “But this is very embarrassing.”

“Don't worry about that,” said Miss Lazar. “Now I want you to let go of the wall with your hands and feet.”

“I'm scared!” said Mr. Klutz.

“I've got you!” shouted Miss Lazar.

Mr. Klutz let go of the wall. Miss Lazar held the rope tight. The plunger stuck to Mr. Klutz's head like glue. Slowly Miss Lazar began lowering Mr. Klutz down with the rope.

“It's working!” somebody shouted.

I'll say this much—you never know when one of those toilet bowl plunger thingies might come in handy.

“Mr. Klutz sure is lucky that he's bald!” said Andrea.

“Wow!” said Ryan. “That plunger really sucks!”

Little by little, Miss Lazar let out the rope until Mr. Klutz's feet touched the ground. Then Miss Lazar climbed down the wall herself, and everybody started cheering and clapping.

“Hooray for Miss Lazar!” kids were shouting. “Hip hip hooray! She's a real superhero!”

“Thanks, Miss Lazar,” said Mr. Klutz. “You saved my life!”

“It's all in a day's work,” said Miss Lazar as she got back on her scooter. “Even on
my day off! But now I must take my leave. You kids better get back to class. Duty calls!”

Miss Lazar had said “duty” again.

After she buzzed away on her scooter, Mr. Klutz pulled at the plunger, but it was stuck to his head pretty tightly. He said he didn't mind, because it had saved his life. But he would look really funny in hats for a while.

All the excitement was
over, and we had to go back inside boring old Ella Mentry School.

Maybe someday we'll find out if Miss Lazar is a real superhero or not. Maybe someday Mr. Klutz will get over his jealousy of Miss Lazar. Maybe someday we'll find out who put the crayons down the toilet. Maybe someday we'll find out what chicken pox has to do with chickens. Maybe someday Mr. Klutz will get the toilet bowl plunger off his head. Maybe someday I'll be able to hear the word “duty” and not start giggling.

But it won't be easy!

Cover art © 2005 by Jim Paillot