Miss Jane (5 page)

Grace went back in when the coffee was done and poured the doctor a cup. He smiled up at her.

“Thank you, Miss Grace.”

“Welcome,” she mumbled, furious at herself for blushing.

He said he thought he would take a little stroll into the woods behind their house and then be on his way, if they wouldn't mind. Her mother gave herself a wry smile and said of course, to make himself at home. The doctor smiled in an odd way back at her, a bit of mischief in his eye, then took up his coffee cup and went out the kitchen door.

“What's that all about, then?” Grace said.

“He's one likes to walk in the woods, I guess.”

“Oh, I thought maybe he just needs a little sweetener in his coffee.”

“Don't be impertinent,” her mother said. “He's not charging us for any of this, whatever it's worth.”

“Why not?”

“I don't ask.”

Leaving, later, when the doctor rounded the corner of their long drive toward the road, she was standing just off it in the shadow of a ragged pine tree, watching him pass. Without looking her way he lifted a finger from the steering wheel in a little acknowledgment or wave, to which she responded by lifting her middle finger toward his car as it raised the dust on its way down the drive.

Ellison Adams, M.D.

Johns Hopkins University School of Medicine

Baltimore, Maryland

Dear Ellis,

A busy winter it was here with ague and the results of physical violence bred and borne by folks cooped up a bit too much with their chosen enemies. I'm sure you would find it all most amusing.

Since there have been no complications (and I have to say I expected there to be some, but it seems you were right so I must have described it well enough), it has been some time since I've written to you concerning my young patient with her interesting if apparently manageable urological condition. As you expected, there's been no apparent danger arising from blockages, fistulas, or other developments in that direction, etc. An interesting case, and a very fine and otherwise normal child in the making as it turns out.

The mother seems to have found her ways to cope. Her older daughter takes on most of the child caring duties whenever she's not away in school. Curious girl, never says much. I get the feeling she's like some wildcat tethered to that family and her duties as if to a tree by a pulled-taut chain. Only question is will she give more trouble than she gets.

Speaking of coping, my Lett seems to spend more time in town with her family than here, these days. Not really but it seems so. Feels like I see our housekeeper young Hattie more than I do my own wife. I had not considered how difficult (and unamusing) it might be for a refined city girl to be married to a man who for some reason ends up an old-time country doctor. I suppose she expected me to end up in research, like you, or at least some sophisticated urban practice, coming and going like a banker, instead of mending the cracked limbs and skulls of simple farm folks who often enough show up at the door bloody and smelling of animals and dirt. I believe she is profoundly disheartened by the sight of a man or woman with the dental apparatus of a jack-o'-lantern.

Of course do please keep your more refined and intelligent ears open whenever possible to any research developments that would apply and let me know posthaste should something relevant be in the works. If such a case/condition as I have on my hands here is indeed as rare as you suspect, then I wonder if Young et al. would
be interested in some kind of pro bono examination, for the purposes of advancing science, as we say. If you should manage to get anyone's attention on the matter, please let me know directly. Your colleague Dr. Young will, I believe, continue to make great strides in this field, in time. Please maintain your friendship with this man and do not let the horse's ass in you come out at some kind of social gathering or whatnot, as we know this Dr. Young is a bit of a prude and campaigned against prostitution when he served in the war, etc. etc., as if contracting a case of the clap could somehow be worse than having one's entire apparatus blown off or to pieces by a German artillery shell—but, pardon, I stray afield. In other words also be discreet as possible concerning your
other habits
, if you will, oh Great One. My regards to Mary Kate and the children, by the way.

Spring has arrived, in any case—gusty, always thrilling to me. The songbirds are in a riot of pugnacious pleasure. What I would do to have this season exist without end. Except, what did the poet imply, that having our pleasures always in-hand we would no longer appreciate them? Possibly even our recognition of them would cease to be anything remarkable at all.

Yours, etc.

Eldred The Terrible & etc.

Weanings

I
da Chisolm weaned her new one at little less than a year old and the baby took to her mush of peas and sweet potatoes with the same toothless puzzlement, then gluttony, as any child. Grace, whenever she wasn't at school, went about her babysitting duties in silence. At eleven years she had the demeanor of a disgusted, life-strangled sixteen-year-old. As if to speed up and thereby shorten the period of being harnessed to the task, she worked hard to train her little sister on the chamber pot, then the outhouse, and taught her to clean herself. But soon enough recognized a problem and complained about frequent accidents and once the doctor confirmed the incontinence it was a matter of either getting the child to run to the outhouse or to drop her drawers (the loose diaper she had continued to wear, in any case) wherever she stood in the yard, or pasture, or at the edge of the woods, by the barn, wherever. Since she was just a toddler they allowed it, since she did not like soiling herself and wanted to go like everyone else. She tried. A good-humored, even cheerful little child. She seemed intelligent enough but not dangerously impulsive, so Grace let her wander by herself around the house and yard barefoot (except in winter) as freely as a child at least a
year or two older. It became a familiar sight to the family and the sharecroppers and tenants, this small scrawny creature baring her bony bum and relieving herself whenever and wherever like one of the animals in their care.

Watching this from the front porch at churning, or from the back porch washing dishes in the pump sink, or emerging from the privy, Grace indulged in what little humor she had in her system, smiling a tight smile and muttering to herself in a low chuckle, shaking her head and going back to work, keeping one eye loosely on the child. Jane was indeed like some kind of herky-jerky windup toy that never wound down till sometime in the evening right after supper when the winder just stopped and clump, down she went. Clean her and put her to bed.

When she got a break from her babysitting Grace would sneak out to the barn and go around it to smoke a cigarette from the Luckies she now kept hidden behind a loose chink in one of the foundation posts. Got to where she liked them so much she began sneaking one after supper, too, watching from shadows for when the washbasin was unoccupied, then hurrying to wash up, brush her teeth, before going to bed without a word to or a glance at anyone. They were all used to that.

When little Jane noticed a rag doll in the Sears catalog, Grace put one together for her using material from a flour sack and filling the shape with hard corn kernels cracked with a hammer. She let Jane help draw on a face with India ink, then stitched over that with blue thread. They made a tiny skirt for it and drew a pair of slippers on its shapeless feet.

She'd thrown her own similar doll into the bushes along the road one day years before, suddenly embarrassed and disgusted with herself for still carrying it in her school satchel. Now, young
as she was, she felt a twinge of lost childhood and tried to steel herself against it, turning her thoughts once again to getting away. But she could not harden herself entirely anymore against her feelings for this little girl, her baby sister and the only one in her household she could enjoy even a little bit being around. With her yellow hair and blue eyes, she felt like a changeling left at the door of this cantankerous woman and gloomy man, yet here was this child, this odd one, a defective, dark like their parents but with blue eyes even bluer than hers. She did not want to love her, or as she sometimes referred to her,
it
, but she thought,
I have to love something
.

She sat on the porch one afternoon during the autumn Jane would turn three and watched her wander out into the yard and over near the shed across the drive, stop, squat, and instead of what Grace expected from that, saw her reach down and pick something up, hands working like she was winding something around them as she walked, stopped at the edge of the porch, hands raised, eyes wide open with the secret hidden in them.

“Well, what is it?” Grace said. She was looking on this strange and beautiful child, big eyes so expressive, as if wiser or more knowing than possible.

Little Jane opened her hands and a tiny garden snake no bigger around than a night crawler and no longer than the length of a knitting needle popped up and curled around her hands as if it were the strange birth of an extra, wild, writhing digit. Grace stood up as if called to military attention, not knowing whether to go knock the snake from the child's hands or trust to luck it was a harmless one.

“Put it down, now,” she said as calmly as she could. But Jane closed her eyes and laughed and ran past her into the house and
in a moment she heard her mother shriek and holler to “get that thing out of this house right now!”

Later, she looked on as their father gave Jane a lesson on which snakes were safe and which were not. He drew pictures of the poisonous snakes' broad, triangular heads, and brought out an old rattle from one he'd killed in the yard, shook it for her. “You hear that,” he said, “you stop, stand real still, figure out where it is, and you back away. You see this here cottonmouth moccasin, you run,” and he described and drew one, told her their coloring and shape. Told her about coral snakes:
Red touch yellow, kill a fellow; red touch black, friend to Jack
. She liked that rhyme enough to mimic it back to him, making him smile a rare smile.

He said, “Anyway, you see one of those snakes, you hightail it out of there. And if you can't tell, don't chance it.”

She asked if she could have the rattle to keep on a string around her neck.

He seemed amused by this but said he thought not, as it might attract another snake.

“All right,” she said, handing the rattle back. Her father put it away in the little box on the mantel where he kept it along with a bear's tooth and the tiny mole skull Jane herself had found one day, just roaming around the yard.

When they left, Grace went to the mantel, took out the rattle, and made herself a necklace of it by poking a hole in the open end and lacing through it a length of pale thread. She made it long enough so the rattle would be hidden by her blouse. She hooked a finger under it and gave it a little shake, and something about the sound made her heart beat a little faster.

Little Jane heard it one day and was excited. “You made a rattle necklace!” she said. “Papa wouldn't let me.”

“I know.”

“He said it might make a real snake come after me.”

“I doubt that,” Grace said. “You want it?”

Jane seemed to think about it, then shook her head with a mysterious grin.

Her mother asked Grace one day what she had on that thread around her neck.

“Nothing,” she said.

“I can see there's something on it, there under your blouse. I can hear it making some kind of little noise when you move around.”

“Nothing but the rattle of my little old heart,” Grace said, and ignored the look her mother gave her.

LEAVING THE CHILD
'
S
care to her older daughter had made it a little easier for Ida Chisolm to avoid her dark thoughts, though not entirely. When she had a little break she sat on the front porch, dipped a bit of snuff—which she knew was smallish sinful but did it anyway, a soul was corrupt at birth and adding a little vice wouldn't change the equation much—and spat into the bare dirt of the yard doing the best she could to empty her clamorous mind. Crows banked about the grove of pine and hardwood down by the cow pond and flew back up on fluff-cranked wings into the pecans near the barn, settling in their gnarly limbs like black fluttering shadows into the foliage of clouded thoughts she could not and did not bother to plumb. Late fall blackbirds swept in waves to the oaks at the yard's edge, and their deafening, squawking, creaking calls, the cacophonous tuning of a mad avian symphony, drew the grief-borne anger from her heart, into the air, and swept it away in long, almost soothing moments of something like
peace. The occasional fluid murmuration of migrating starlings, a wondrous sight when she was a child, could evoke in her all over again a strange sense of foreboding.

She said nothing to anyone about her feeling that this child Jane's condition could've come from the sinful way in which she was conceived. No matter a man and woman be husband and wife. If the wife doesn't even know it's going on, it's a sin and an abomination to the woman and the punishment would not be a death but something to linger, to remind you of what you had done or allowed done, either one. And in God's eyes does it really matter who was to blame, and who could say she did not bear her share of the blame, putting herself in such a state that he could do what he did without her awareness, much less consent? Being a man, he considered their long-ago vows consent enough, and that thought sent her out to the woodpile to chop kindling till she could see again, so blind she felt in her rising and inexpressible anger. When she had spent her rage, kindling chunks around her as if the woodpile had exploded and left her standing, she buried the ax in the block and stalked off out the back yard and down the main trail in the woods to the fishing pond. She stood there looking at the smooth brown surface of the pond, arms straight at her sides, and thought she could go back up, fetch a heavy piece of mechanical scrap and a rope, tie it about her waist, and walk into the water until submerged and will herself to fill her lungs with the silty water. She let her mind imagine the scene, the moment. Then, in angry tears again, she stripped off her clothing, leaving on her shoes, and waded in to her neck, dunked herself, and swam out deeper. She held her breath as long as she could, then blew it out, her body sinking deeper, until in a panic she pushed herself back up to the surface, broke out of the water, and bobbed
there, treading water. She slung hair from her eyes and saw her husband on the bank where she'd entered, his arms limp at his sides, watching her. She watched him, feeling like a wild animal caught in the open by a strange human creature, until he turned and walked back up the bank on the trail, out of sight. Only then did she swim in and put her clothes back onto her wet, clingy body, feet squishing in her sodden shoes, feeling at least a little bit mollified, as if his having witnessed her act was at least a warning, an act of emotional revenge. She was washed clean in body, if not entirely in mind.