Misdirected (16 page)

 

 

Chapter 35

Parents Are People Too

In the morning Emily picks me up and we go get Mom and Dad from the airport just before lunch. They left Colorado at like four o'clock this morning. They could have gotten here yesterday but I think my mom wanted to avoid cooking. My aunt likes to put all the women in the kitchen while the guys sit on the couch and watch football. It makes my mom crazy. Especially since she's not into cooking and my aunt always points out everything she does wrong. So this year she just skipped that part.

On the way to my aunt's, Emily stops at a vegan restaurant to pick something up for lunch. My aunt always makes enough food for twenty people, but none of it ever seems to be animal-free for my sister. Either the vegetables are cooked with chicken stock or something has lard in it. My aunt hasn't changed my grandma's recipes.

I go in with her and say kind of casually, “That looks pretty good. Order me one too?”

“Seriously?” she asks.

“Just be happy I'm not eating meat today.”

“Touché. You're right. A second seitan picatta coming right up.”

She looks at me a little strangely, so I pretend to study the menu until the food is ready. Then it's back out to the car.

“Ben got something too,” says Em.

“Your aunt's not going to like that,” says Mom, kind of smiling.

“You're terrible,” says Dad.

“Who me?” says Mom. She grins and turns to me. “Have you spoken to James?”

“Yeah. They're doing good, I think.”

“Glad to hear that,” she says. “You know, I actually miss having him in the house.”

“Pete will be home next week,” says Em. “You'll have more kids in the house soon.”

“He's hardly a kid,” says Mom.

“Oh come on. Even forty-year-olds are kids in their parents' house. I'm jealous. I won't get to see him until Christmas.”

The car is quiet for a moment before Dad starts in with the questions.

“So Emily, we haven't heard much from you this semester. Classes keeping you busy?”

“Yeah,” says Mom. “We sent you to Sarah Lawrence and you disappeared!”

“Yep, it's a lot of classwork,” says Emily. “It's been crazy.”

“Glad you're getting the most out of it,” says Mom. “We just miss you.”

“Her friends are really nice,” I say. “Her roommate and their friend Ed.”

“You haven't told us much about your roommate,” Mom says. Emily gives me a nasty look. I smile and shrug.

“She's great,” Em says. “Everyone is great. My teachers. The students. I couldn't ask for a better school. Plus, I've done a good job of not getting suspended.”

Emily looks at me and grins back, very happy with herself.

“Public school will be a better fit for Ben,” says Dad. “This private school just didn't allow for people to be different like your old school did. That was our mistake.”

“Thanks, Dad,” I say. “You've always been really good at being nice to people who are different.”

“Um. Thanks, Ben. We try.”

Emily rolls her eyes but instead of mocking her some more I look at her and nod encouragingly.

She shakes her head.
Come on
, I mouth silently.
Before we get there
. Her face turns red. She opens her mouth to speak. Nothing comes out.

I nod again and then say, “Go on.”

“Go on what?” says Dad.

Em gives me a death stare.

“Ben wants me to tell you that I've been dating someone,” she says, her face now red and blotchy. “It's new so I didn't want to say anything.”

“That's great!” says Mom. “What's he like?”

Emily looks like she's going to spill and tell them about Jamie. Then she totally backs down.

“Great. Really wonderful. Does photography. Is a great writer.”

“Where is he from?”

“Oregon.”

“What's his name?” asks Dad.

“Uh. Jamie.”

I'm just shaking my head at Em, like
really?
She gives me a look that says
back the hell off
, so I do. I don't say another word. Not a single pronoun. Now she won't look at me. She's all quiet and mad and my parents just keep asking her questions, until they get the feeling she doesn't want to talk about it anymore. Which makes the car ride awkward, cause before there was almost nothing my sister wouldn't talk to my parents about.

Finally we get to my aunt's house and we can all get out of the car and pretend that nothing weird just happened.

My aunt doesn't even let us get inside before she's hugging us and taking our coats and bags. She's just as annoyed as Mom thought she'd be that my sister brought food, and when she finds out I did too her face goes tight. It doesn't even matter that without the food we brought there wouldn't be a single thing that Emily could eat.

My aunt drags Mom straight into the kitchen, even when Dad offers to help instead. “It's not like this is 1950. Men can help in the kitchen, Sis.” She just waves him off and pulls Mom away.

My uncle, Dad, Em, and me sit in the living room while the Macy's Day parade plays on TV. Uncle Matt and Dad talk about Pete and politics and other stuff. Emily just sits in the corner looking pissed off.

Uncle Matt tells Dad that he got a new computer and can't get it synched up with his printer, so Dad goes upstairs with him to try and get it to work.

When they are out of range I say, “You should have told them.”

“Screw you, Ben. Seriously, in a car? You want me to tell them in a freaking car? It's bigger news than that. You want Dad to drive off the road?”

“He wouldn't.”

“It's my news, okay? It's my life. Not yours. So just shut it. Don't say another word. I have to tell them now, but I'll do it when I want to. Not when you want me to. That was messed up.”

“I was just trying to help.”

“Unless you bring home your boyfriend, don't pretend like you know what this is like. It's scary to tell them. Even though 99% of me thinks they will be fine with it, that other 1% is scared that they won't look at me the same. That they'll judge me.”

“Okay. I won't say anything. No more pressure.”

It's silent for a few minutes. Emily still isn't looking at me and I feel like crap for trying to force her. The parade plays and both of us look at the TV without really watching.

Finally, like a peace offering, Emily asks, “So, no meat for you today?”

“Nope.”

“Why not?”

“Someone just told me that meat is made of animals.”

She laughs. “You just realized that?”

“I'm not saying I'm a vegetarian or anything.”

“'Course not.”

“I'm just not eating meat today.”

“That's a good start.”

 

 

Chapter 36

Letters Are Meant to Be Opened

T
he rest of the day goes pretty decently. There are no more awkward questions for Emily, and besides a few dirty looks from my aunt for ignoring her turkey and ham, the evening goes off without a hitch. The seitan thing Em got for me ends up tasting a lot like chicken, which is fine by me.

My aunt sets up the guest rooms for us so we can crash. I think we all liked it better when we could go home at the end of a family holiday. Especially, Mom. My aunt is already talking about what they'll make for breakfast in the morning so Mom says, “Actually, we were going to take the kids out for breakfast to celebrate their good grades this semester.”

My aunt looks annoyed, but that's the usual face she makes.

Once all the cleaning is done (not that I helped or anything), I go upstairs and find Em reading on the other bed in the room we're sharing.

She puts her book down.

“I don't like lying to them,” she says. “I can't imagine telling them either.”

“I know you can do it.”

“I don't want to do it. I don't want to have to say,
Hey, Mom and Dad, I'm into girls in the gay way.
That's just so not . . . not . . .”

Em looks totally frozen. Her eyes are wide and she's staring at the door. I look behind me and see Dad. His face looks like someone just told him he has cancer. Like he had a stroke. Not like he's angry or upset. Like he's too shocked to even be able to understand what was just said.

Em says, “Dad, I, I . . .”

“Dad, say something,” I say. “Anything.” Before Emily starts crying, I think.

“Are you okay? I was going to tell you. I just didn't want to do it over the phone, and then the car wasn't the right place either. I was going to tell you.”

“You think you're gay?” he says finally, putting his hand through his hair.

“I don't think,” says Em, kind of defensively. “I am gay.”

“You weren't gay when you went away to school.”

“Yes. I was,” says Em, looking more and more angry.

It's silent for a minute while Dad just stands there looking stupid and Em just sits there looking furious and hurt and like she's going to cry any second.

Then Mom comes in, and not even noticing that anything weird is happening, she says, “Your aunt wants to know if you all have toothbrushes, because if anyone forgot them she has some extras in the cupboard below the sink.” She finally looks around at each of us and says, “What's wrong?”

No one says anything. Em doesn't make a sound. Her eyes are red and she won't make eye contact with anyone.

Mom looks at Dad. “What's wrong? What happened? Is Pete okay?”

“Pete's fine,” says Em. “Dad's mad at me.”

“I'm not mad at you,” he finally says, his voice kind of foggy.

“Right,” says Em. “See Mom, Dad just overheard me talking to Ben about the fact that I'm gay and how I was too scared to tell you because I was worried about what you might think. Glad to know I wasn't scared for nothing.”

Mom looks surprised but rebounds fast. She says, “Of course you shouldn't be scared. We love you.” She goes over to the bed, sits next to Em, and puts her arm around her. Emily starts crying, fully crying.

“It's okay,” says Mom. “It's okay.”

“Dad doesn't think so. Look at him.”

Mom looks at Dad, who still has an expression on his face that says he is not happy. In fact he looks kind of sad.

“Excuse us a moment,” says Mom as she pulls him out of the room.

I sit still while Em cries. I don't even know what to say.

“I told you,” she says. “He's horrified.”

“He didn't look horrified. I don't know what he looked like. Mom was fine. That's something.”

“What about Dad? What if he thinks it's horrible or unnatural or some other hateful thing? What if he doesn't accept it?”

I stare at the door hoping they come back soon, because if Em has to sit here thinking that Dad hates her she's going to lose it. And then my aunt is going to come up here and make things ten times worse.

A few minutes later they come back in. Dad has wiped the shocked look off his face and sits down next to Em.

“I'm sorry I didn't react better.” He's silent for a minute while he searches for the words. “I . . . I'm afraid for you.”

“What are you afraid of?”

“I love you so much,” he says, nearly crying. “I'm afraid that your life is going to be harder because of who you are, and I'm not going to be able to protect you.”

Em's whole expression changes. “I'll be fine. It's been fine. People at school don't care. Plenty of people don't care.”

“Plenty still do, and I'm just scared that you're going to meet people who don't give you a chance because of who you love.”

“That's no reason for me to hide.”

“No. No, and I wouldn't want you to be anything other than who you are. I'm glad you told us. I just keep thinking about all the people who are against you for no reason, and I'm scared. You're looking at a terrified father. Not a father who doesn't love you, or a father who doesn't accept you. I'm afraid that your life will be harder and that I won't be able to help.”

The only other time I saw Dad this shaken up was when Pete went to war. And he's afraid for Em. Not without good reason. I've seen some of the people who hate her just because she's gay. I go to school with them.

“I'm not scared, Dad. I can handle this. It doesn't matter what ignorant people think. I only care that the people I love are okay with it. Are you okay?”

“Of course I am,” he says, bringing her into a hug. “I just wish I could protect you from the people who won't understand.”

“More and more people are with us every day. It really is changing.”

Mom says, “So now that we know a bit more, tell us about your girlfriend. We can't wait to meet her.”

We all sit there and talk for a bit while Em tells us about Jamie. Then instead of going to bed we stay up and watch whatever dumb movie is on TV. Just all of us together hanging out, for the first time in months.

The next day I hang out with Seth and Margaret again. All the strangeness is gone. I do my entire show for them and Margaret makes suggestions to improve it and Seth and I are totally back to normal. By Sunday it almost feels like I live here again. A part of me never wants to go back to Colorado. I could just stay on Seth's couch through high school. Everything is so good right now, I don't know how I'm going to go back and face everyone at school. And face Tess. And then it's time to get on a plane and head back home.

From Wednesday through Saturday I was missing Tess pretty badly. Now that it's time to go home I'm sort of dreading seeing her again.

On the airplane I open my bag and take out my magic books. Half the pages are dog-eared and have highlighter marks and my notes written in the margins.

I start practicing my hand moves for my routine, but then I see Tess's letter. I'm about to put it back in my bag, and then say
screw it
, and open the envelope.

Even though it's cold on the plane my body is sweating, making me hot and cold at the same time. I already know the worst it could say, so I don't know why I'm freaking out.
I hate you. I ruined my relationship with my family for a jerk like you. Never speak to me again.
I'm expecting all that and more. And I deserve it. That's the worst part.

I look to my left and make sure Dad is still sleeping, then start to read.

Dear Ben,

I'm sorry I can't say this to you in person. It's too hard right now. I care about you so much, but hearing you say what you did showed me that you don't respect my beliefs or me.

I've gone out of my way to try to make you feel welcome here and to be considerate of your beliefs. It seems obvious to me now that you haven't given my faith any respect at all. What you said hurt. Not just because it was hateful toward my religion, but also because it felt like you were attacking me.

James explained to me what made you so mad. How Mr. Thompson failed you and how Kenny tripped you. I'm sorry about your grade. I don't want to say I told you so, but this is what I was worried about. I'm not saying you deserved that grade. But no one within earshot of your rant deserved what you said either. Especially me.

I hope you understand why I can't be with you. It hurts me more than you know. I hope one day you'll be able to understand that even though other people don't think the same way as you, their opinions are just as important.

I miss you.

Tess

No
I hate you
?
No
You're the worst person ever
? I want to rip her letter in two. Not because I'm angry but because I messed up. I mean, I came to Colorado being like,
where I come from everyone accepts each other's differences
. And it's true. For the most part. But I didn't. I came there and as soon as I felt people judge me for my beliefs I started to judge them right back. Including Tess.

I don't understand how anyone could believe in a god, but it makes sense to her, and that's what matters. Even before I yelled Jesus effing Christ, I wasn't being fair to her. I made fun of her in a way she never made fun of me. Even if I didn't say it, I was thinking it. And I treated her unfairly, from not trusting her to be cool about my sister, to bashing the Bible.

When the plane gets to the gate, I still feel like crap. With Tess avoiding me, it's not like I can just apologize. And because of me she won't get to go to her brother's wedding. It's because of me we're not together anymore.

We swing by James's house on the way home to check on him and his mom and to pick up Holly.

When we pull up, Holly is at the window. She nearly knocks James over when he opens the door to let us in.

“Dude, are you okay?” he asks when he sees my face.

“I read the letter,” I whisper.

“Oh.”

“Yeah.”

“How are you doing?” my mom says loudly as she walks in. “We missed you so much!” She gives him a big hug, nearly squeezing the air out of him. “How was your Thanksgiving?”

“It was good, thanks. My mom is sleeping right now. She's doing really great. She's just taking it slow.”

“I'm so glad to hear it. If you need anything,” she says, “anything at all, either of you, just say the word and we'll be here.”

“Thanks,” says James. “I think Holly helped her a lot too. She slept in her bed and sat with her a lot.”

“She's a good girl,” says my mom, as she rubs Holly's ears. “You took good care of her and we appreciate it.”

Holly just keeps circling around our legs to show how excited she is to have everyone here.

“You want to hang out for a bit?” asks James.

“Nah, I should get home. I've got some stuff I have to figure out.”

“Okay. I'll see you tomorrow.”

My mom hugs James as we head out. Holly jumps in the back seat and immediately lays her front paws and chin over my legs.