Mirrored 1 : In Spades (6 page)

I was lost in the moment and couldn’t even think clearly.

“uhm…what?” I ask and lick my lips.

“well, I said I’m going to enjoy you jumping in my lap when you’re scared, but after watching you lick your lips like that…I don’t know if I can wait for the scary parts.” He looked at me like he was ready to pounce.

“Well, since I clearly have no choice in the matter, let’s watch the movie already.” I turned my head to face the television and tried distracting myself from the thoughts I was currently having, which involved doing a little more than just sitting on his lap.

I stared at the screen and welcomed the silence. Having a five year old in the house left absolutely no quiet time. I began twirling my long blonde hair around my finger and focused entirely on the screen or at least was trying to. Daxton seemed to inch his way closer and closer every time he thought I wasn’t paying attention. I caught him out of the corner of my eye, staring at the side of my face. I could slowly feel the heat inch its way up, my face probably turning a bright shade of red. I was consistently blushing around this man and couldn’t get a grip on the way that my body was drawn to his. Now, I knew why the girls always blushed constantly in some of the books that I loved to read. I found it annoying while reading them, but I just couldn’t stop myself from doing it now. I take back any mean thing I’ve ever said about it.

Daxton continued to stare at me throughout the entire movie. With the exception of a few minor jumps; I stayed firmly planted to my seat. I was proud of myself. I just couldn’t give my beautiful stranger the satisfaction of seeing me scream like a little girl, even though on the inside I was. After the movie was over, I grabbed the popcorn bowl from his lap and headed into the kitchen. I made sure to give my hips an extra little sway. I didn’t know why I was acting like a cat in heat, but the humming my core was experiencing needed to be fulfilled soon. I threw the remaining popcorn kernels in the trash and began to rinse out the leftover remnants of butter and salt from the bowl before placing it neatly into the dishwasher. I felt strong hands firmly placed on my hips and I stilled instantly, welcoming his touch.

“Thank you for coming over babe.” he whispered in my ear. I turned around slowly to face him.

“Thank you for being a good cook.” I whispered back.

He placed his lips roughly to my forehead and then let go of my hips and stepped back. My body instantly began to riot. I needed his touch; his simple caresses made me feel safe. My big blue eyes met his dark brown irises and all felt well in the world.

“I had a great night…uhm..Should I be heading home?” I said, my voice wavering.

I hoped that this would jumpstart whatever we had going on. I didn’t want to throw myself at his feet because I know the kind of damage I was willingly inflicting on my emotions. However, I really wanted to jump his bones in a non-drunken fashion, after that I’m sure that he would move on to someone more his speed. I was broken in ways that could never really be repaired and I didn’t see my beautiful stranger being up for the challenge. Not that I blamed him in the least. I believed that I was meant to be alone in the sense of an adult companion, a soul mate. I couldn’t be upset about it though because something beautiful had emerged from the ashes of my beaten down self and I was eternally grateful for her. I didn’t know how fair it would be for me to assume that I deserved to have the love that was only written about in fairytales. But, Love wasn’t all it is cracked up to be anyway.

“Yeah, it’s getting pretty late and I have an early morning. I am so glad you came over for dinner Ava and I’m glad you had a good time. Can I walk you to your car?” He grabbed my coat from the hall closet where he stashed it and started to put it on me, practically pushing me towards the door.

I was shocked, but I refused to let any of the confusion I was feeling show on my face. I walked out to my car, grabbing the keys from my purse and hopped in without another word between the two of us. He gave me a wave and I wanted to give him the bird, but I refrained. I pulled out of the driveway, sending gravel flying. What an asshole! He could have just said he wasn’t interested after dinner. Why even bother with the whole snuggled and a movie, nice guy act? I couldn’t read any of his signs and I was becoming more conflicted than I’ve ever been before in my life. I was fairly new to this whole dating thing, but I can see that this didn’t go over too well. I was so confused. I could feel the electricity between the two of us when we embraced and I could see the passion lying behind his dark eyes. I would get to the bottom of how he he truly felt and why he turned me away, eventually. But for now, I needed to go home and sulk. I felt completely rejected, again.

I headed back towards the house, speeding 10 miles over the speed limit.

“It’s Eleven Oh’ Five at night, still early and I’m heading home. I am a pathetic person” I spoke the words out loud to myself, but even I couldn’t completely believe them.

What in the hell had just happened. I thought that I had done everything right. I wore the right outfit, I said the right things, at the right times AND I hinted towards staying longer. He just simply, wasn’t interested. I couldn’t handle this roller coaster ride so early in our--whatever this was. I was just going to forget about it and continue down the path that I had already chosen for myself, I was already gone. He never even stood a chance.

I received a few calls from Daxton over the break, but I didn’t return any of them and he was too cool to leave a voice message,apparently. I hoped that he would get the hint that I understood and not feel the need to pity me. I was enjoying the time spent with Abby and forcing myself to keep any thoughts of Daxton far from my mind.

We put up a Christmas tree and decorated it the way that Abby wanted to. It had multi-colored stringed lights and we made popcorn strings as well. She put some of her favorite ornaments from a box that I had kept over the years. I started collecting precious moment’s snow angels since our first Christmas together. They reminded me of Abby and her angelic little face. Abby was getting so big that I dreaded the day that she was out on her own and facing the big world all by herself. She had long blonde hair, curly just like mine. Her big blue eyes won over mine in comparison. She had tiny lips and pink rosy cheeks. Her little smile could brighten up any room. It brightened my whole world.

I loved how into the holidays she was and I hoped that I could always help her to continue that love and appreciation. Abby was currently sporting her favorite red overalls with a white turtle neck underneath. She loved getting dressed in holiday colors and I never hindered her choices. I was happy at the progress that she was making and how often she was testing the waters outside of her comfort zone lately. We put her favorite ornament up on the tree that she had just made this year. I fell head over heels in love with it, my first home-made ornament from her. It was a pinecone decorated to resemble a Christmas tree with little lights glued around it and a big star on top. She had given it to me early this year with a homemade card that read “Merry X-Mas Mommy.” I loved my presents more than anything else I could receive this year. I hung the cards up with the one that Faith and Mrs. Anderson had sent me in the mail. Abby was so proud of it, she smiled every time she walked past our display.

Christmas Eve came quickly and I read Twas’ the Night before Christmas to Abby upstairs in her bedroom. We both fell asleep on her little princess bed. I awoke around two in the morning and silently slipped out of her room to put all of the wrapped Christmas presents under the tree. I had spent most of the extra money that I had this year on getting Abby all of the toys I knew she would love. I couldn’t wait to see her little face light up. Sitting around the tree, surrounded by wrapped presents, brought me back to some happier moments in my life. These were the moments when my dad had held a steady job and didn’t drink as if his life depended on it.

The last year that a Christmas was normal in our household I was six years old and sat underneath the Christmas tree, much like I was now. My mom had her pink fluffy robe clutched tightly around her skinny frame and was sucking down a black cup of coffee. I woke them up extremely early this year, anxious to see if Santa had thought I had been a good girl. I remember opening all of the presents and couldn’t stop the disappointment that spread across my face.

“What’s wrong pumpkin?” My dad said to me as he bent down to eye level.

His eyes were a chocolate brown. He had shiny, dark hair that hung to his shoulder blades. He smelled of peppermint and coffee at this time.

“Nothing daddy, everything is perfect.” My little voice squeaked out.

“Is something missing?” he asked me and looked genuinely concerned.

“I was just hoping, you know, that maybe Santa heard that I needed a puppy. But, that’s okay. Maybe, I wasn’t good enough. I did spill juice all over the floor the other day and momma was not happy.” I frowned.

“You were a very good girl this year pumpkin and I know that Santa wouldn’t punish you. Wait here, Santa gave daddy a surprise to give to you, but he told me it had to be last, okay?” My dad left the room and I glanced up at my mom, she had tears in her eyes.

I walked over to her and wrapped my arms around her small frame, kissing the tears away from her eyes.

“I love you baby girl, don’t you ever forget how special you are to mommy and daddy ok?” Her voice came out in a low hoarse tone, almost unrecognizable from her usual chipper self.

“I love you too mommy.” I kissed her last single tear away.

My dad came bounding around the corner and I heard the little yaps of the fluff ball he held into his hands. I jumped from mom’s lap and ran to him. He handed me the cutest black and white cocka-poo I had ever seen. She had beautiful blue eyes and I instantly fell in love.

“I am going to name her pumpkin daddy, just like I am your pumpkin, she’s mine! I was a good girl after all Daddy!” I had never been more excited.

Pumpkin only lasted two months until daddy wretched her from my little grasp and threw her out of our moving car. I was getting on his last nerve, he had told me over and over again and the damn dog just wouldn’t stop barking. Those were his words, not mine. How was I to know that would be the last good Christmas I had? I decided right then and there that I would never get another dog as long as I lived. There was no replacement for pumpkin and the pain I had felt when she had to leave. Mom must have known that dad was slowly declining. He was never the same after that Christmas and his brown eyes had turned a devilish black, his beautiful, shiny hair had become a mass of tangles and grease. The smell of booze permeated off of him at a constant rate. My personality had forever changed in that moment. I became a recluse and learned to stay quiet. I had learned that you didn’t have to like someone, but you could still love them. Love wasn’t always enough, though.

I was exhausted after crying my eyes out at a memory I would have rather left buried deep within me. I fell asleep under the brightly lit tree, surrounded by presents.

Abby woke up at seven that morning and came down the stairs towards where I was laying, rubbing the sleep out of her eyes. She woke me up by shouting “It’s Christmas, Santa came!!” That was definitely one of the better ways that I had been woken up.

She looked adorable, dressed in her Barbie nightgown and Elmo slippers. Her hair had become a rat’s nest while she slept and she looked beyond cute. She darted over to me and plopped her little butt right into my lap.

“Did you sleep good sweetheart?” I said in between the sloppy kisses I was giving to her cheeks.

She giggled and her little voice said back “I did mommy, Santa bwought me lots of stuff. I was a good girl this year! He lovessss me Mommy.”

Tears sprang to my eyes and I choked out “Yes you were, you always are and I love you. I hope you will always remember our Christmas memories. They are so near and dear to my heart.”

We enjoyed the rest of our Christmas, just her and I. This memory overshadowed all of the bad that I held hostage. This was a perfect moment frozen in time. I hoped to visualize it over in my mind whenever the bad tried to come to the surface and mess with my head. Our Christmas was perfect.

The rest of the winter break seemed to zoom by. I worked on my lesson plans for when school would start back up and spent tons of times playing with Abby and the new toys that she loved. I worked the weekend still at the bar and Christina helped me to baby-sit during that time. Daxton’s calls had stopped and I was a little bit distressed about it. I picked up the phone a few times and thought about giving up my stubborn façade, but I just couldn’t do it. For someone, even though I had spent so little time with him, I had really grown to miss him in this past week. New Year’s Eve was approaching and Faith was gushing at work over the night on the town she had planned. She invited me to come along, but there was no way that I was going to be third wheel to Faith’s flavor of the week. She begged me to consider going and even said that her date had a friend she really wanted him to set me up with. Her date’s name was Tripp and he was the drummer in some local band. He rode a Harley Davidson and sported a fo-hawk with bright blue tips; they were almost a match made in heaven. Apparently, Tripp also owned his own music recording studio and worked more frequently producing than actually playing music; he just did that for fun. Faith gushed about how well he treated her and how much his friend was dying to go out with me after she had told him all about me. She didn’t give me much information about him, but I finally agreed to go just to get her to shut up.