Miranda's Mount (33 page)

‘I never said that, Mum!’

‘You didn’t have to, I could feel it every day, but I suppose you were right. I was a mess and I resented knowing it. How would you feel if you knew your own child felt let down every day? Oh, I know you didn’t mean to judge me, but it felt that you were. But –’ she heaved a sigh ‘– Kevin’s different. He’s … What’s the word your gran would have used? He’s solid and steady and, perhaps in the end, I might just turn out to be that way too. We’ve been together over five years now so there must be something going right.’

‘I’m happy
for you,’ said Miranda, not sure whether she was or not. ‘Mum, why didn’t you try harder to get me back?’

There. She’d said it. There was the rub. Miranda had wanted to be pestered and pursued when she’d run away. Even though she’d vowed she would never go back, she knew now that she’d wanted her mother to care enough not to give up trying to get her back. That admission was dangerous. The dam that held back so many years of raw-edged, confused emotion had cracked a little more until it was close to bursting.

‘I should have tried more. I could have tried harder to make you come home, but when I knew you were OK and you were going to university, I knew you’d changed forever. I thought you were better off without us. And, love, I’m sorry about the money.’

‘The
money? It wasn’t just about the money!’ Miranda was horrified at her shriek but too upset now to restrain herself. The dam had burst. ‘It wasn’t the money. It was the stamping on Gran’s memory and the ripping apart of
her
hopes and dreams for me, as well as my own. You lied, Mum! I thought you were keeping the money safe for my future. It hurt so much.’ The pain tore through her again now as the tears ran down her cheeks.

‘I was young and, like you, I was disappointed with what life had thrown my way. I’d believed in your father. I thought I’d get a fairy tale ending and I got slammed down hard. I had a lot of growing up to do too and even though I was supposed to be the adult, I didn’t feel like being one. I’m sorry I spent the money. I know now what it meant to you and what it would have meant to Gran. I’ll admit, it was wrong of me.’

Miranda groaned.
Wrong?
She turned away and started to walk across the sand.

‘Very wrong, but not as wrong as taking out my disappointment in your dad on you.’

She stopped. Turned.

‘I didn’t want it to be like this when I saw you again. I saw you on telly and that was it. You looked so much as if you belonged there and I told myself I had no right to interfere in your life – not now, especially, but I need my daughter now more than ever. Don’t walk away. I promise I don’t want anything but there’s something you should know.’

*

Jago found the
caravan site on autopilot; long-forgotten memories from his childhood must have carried him there, because now he’d reached the place, he had no recollection of how he’d found it. His every thought had been focused on Miranda and what she must be going through and how he could make her believe in him again.

He parked his car outside the reception and threaded his way between the static caravans arranged in rows on the field. There were a few younger children playing on the slides and swings, while older couples and pensioners sat outside their caravans and motorhomes, talking, drinking wine and poking at barbecues. It was a picture of normality and one that he now yearned to experience again.

He jogged towards the sign that showed the clifftop path, rounded a final caravan and saw Miranda down on the beach. She wasn’t alone but with a woman and he guessed immediately who that woman was and knew what Miranda needed most from him now.

He stood at the top of the cliff and he waited.

‘Miranda.
Hear me out. I don’t want anything, love.’

Love?
What kind of a word was that? A word her mum had never used. Not since a time so long ago she couldn’t know whether she’d ever heard it or just imagined it. Her guts twisted. For her mum to use that word, something awful must be about to happen. The axe was about to fall, the bomb about to drop on her and blow her world to smithereens.

Yet her mother carried on speaking, matter-of-factly, as if she was telling Miranda she’d just bought a new washing machine from Tesco. ‘I wanted to see you now before it was too late. I’m hoping it’s not too late because I’m not done for yet, but I need to see you just in case.’

‘No.’ She shook her head. She wanted to run away again and avoid hearing what was coming.

‘I
had a lump. Here in my breast,’ said Teresa, touching her chest. ‘It was a while ago now and I found it early and had it removed. No one made any promises and I’ve been shit scared, I can tell you. I’m not out of the woods for good but it’s been five years now since I went into remission and I finally got the all-clear a few weeks ago.’

Cancer? Remission? All-clear? In just a few words, her mother had run through the most momentous events in her life. Miranda felt as if she’d been shown the most important film of her life, but it had flashed by so fast she couldn’t make out a single image. All she knew was that the story had been so shocking that she’d been left spinning out of control.

‘You went through all that. All of that worry and pain and you didn’t tell me? Oh, Mum!’

‘Why would I tell you? After all this time, why would I contact you with that weighing on me? Why would I want to lay it on you? That would really have been cruel.’

Miranda’s answer emerged as a howl of pain. She’d devoted herself to a place, a thing, a thing owned by stranger and abandoned her own mother, let her own flesh and blood go through that fear and worry.

‘Don’t cry like this, for God’s sake. It’s not the end of the world. They say I’ve got a good chance of a complete recovery.’

‘Mum. Mum. I’m so sorry I never knew!’

‘No, don’t be sorry. That’s a waste of time for both of us now. I’m here now and I plan on being here as long as I can bloody cling to life. But I decided when I got the all-clear from the doc, and when I saw you on the telly yesterday, that now was as good a time as any to make my peace with you, if you’ll take it. I thought long and hard about it last night. You looked happy and well and I felt like I shouldn’t come crashing into your world, but, in the end, you know I’m a selfish cow so here I am, but I’ll understand if you don’t want to see me again.’

Miranda shook
her head over and over and wiped her nose with the back of her hand like Braden. ‘I don’t want to … run away or send … you … away,’ she said between her sobs. ‘I don’t want to be without you. Not now.’

Teresa held out her arms. They’d never hugged much, if ever, and the body that had given birth to Miranda felt like a stranger’s now, or maybe not totally alien. Something was familiar and sweet to her. ‘That’s Youth Dew, I remember it.’

Her mother patted her back tentatively. ‘I still use it. Your dad once told me he liked it. I’d stolen some off your gran when I went on a date with him. I thought it was sophisticated.’ She laughed but Miranda sobbed her heart out. ‘There’s snot down my top, Miranda, and this is my best one.’

‘Sorry, Mum.’

Her mother shook her head. ‘You know I don’t think I’ve seen you cry since I spent Gran’s money.’

Miranda wanted to wipe her hand across her nose.

‘Here.’ Teresa pulled a tissue from her pocket and handed it to her. ‘I always have them these days. I’ve got into enough states lately so I’m never without one.’

Miranda blew her nose noisily.

‘I know this has been a shock and you need time to take it in. We both do and I don’t want to outstay my welcome, no matter how long we’ve been apart. So I’m going to phone Kev and ask him to take me home, but you have my number now and I’ll wait for you to be in touch.’

‘I will be. I promise.’

‘So I can come and see you again and bring Kev?’

‘Yes. I’d like to meet him. Have you got an address?’

Teresa smiled. ‘I’ll text it to you.’

‘I’ll put it in my phone,’ said Miranda, reaching in her pocket. The mobile was switched off and, when she saw the blank screen, she remembered why. She’d wanted to escape. She turned it on and it beeped like crazy.

‘You’re popular,’ said Teresa.

‘Yes. I mean no, I’m not. Not any more. Oh shit, I don’t seem to be able to make much sense.’

‘That makes a change. You always had an answer for me when you were little.’

Her mobile showed nine missed calls and messages from Ronnie and Jago.

Teresa raised her eyebrows. ‘Boyfriend?’

‘No. Work.’

Teresa
halted, her attention caught by something behind Miranda. ‘There’s a man at the bottom of the cliff. He looks like the bloke that owns your place. I should have known you’d go far.’

Miranda turned round. So, Jago had found her. She wasn’t surprised but didn’t know why. She felt numb. Maybe she just didn’t have the capacity for any more emotions or maybe she didn’t want to face what she knew he’d come to tell her. ‘I haven’t gone anywhere with Jago. He’s my boss,’ she said.

‘Are
you sure? If he’s only your boss, he’s come a long way to find you. Don’t go running away from him too.’

‘I can’t,’ said Miranda, finally accepting there was nowhere left to run and no point in trying.

Jago stopped as
Teresa passed him. She smiled briefly but carried on walking. Miranda lingered on the sands, like a piece of driftwood, stranded on the vast beach and dwarfed by the great twin rocks. He waited, aching to run to her but waiting for her to move. Just when he thought he might split apart with tension, she started walking back towards him, dragging her feet through the shingle. As she drew closer, he started to walk faster and then to run.

Miranda ran too, tripping over stones, stumbling, tears streaming down her face. She slammed into his chest so hard it took his breath away, and buried her face in his shirt. He covered her hair with his hand, stroking it over and over. ‘Miranda, what’s wrong? Has she hurt you again? My lovely girl, what is the matter?’

‘It’s too late. I found Mum and she’s been ill and it’s almost too late.’

‘Almost? Almost
too late?’

‘She had cancer but she got the all-clear a few weeks ago and she saw my interview on telly.’ She glanced up at him. ‘Oh God, my boobs were hanging out.’

He chuckled softly. ‘No wonder she remembered you.’

‘She did remember me and she came for me and I don’t want to lose her again.’

‘You won’t. I’ll make sure of that.’

How could he? she thought. He wouldn’t be around. But she was too deep in the pleasure and comfort of his embrace to break the moment. She didn’t ever want to let him go but she knew she had to. For now she let him hold her, as he breathed into her hair and pressed her to him as if he was another half of the same person.

Finally, her sobs grew quieter and she became aware of the wind on her face, the waves on the beach and the voices of other people on the sands. And Jago.

‘How did you find me?’ she whispered.

‘Ronnie told me you might be here.’

She glanced up at him in surprise. ‘She couldn’t have known about this place.’

‘Ronnie said you talked of a caravan site your gran brought you to a few times and we narrowed it down to this place. I saw the Land Rover in the car park and walked down here.’

‘You’ve been before?’

‘Once or twice when I was young. I’m a Cornishman, as you’re only too keen to remind me. It’s the sort of place I’d choose too, if I wanted to escape and think.’

‘I wasn’t there at the meeting,’ she said. ‘I saw your announcement to the staff. I promised I’d be there to support them and you. I let everyone down and ran away.’

‘It doesn’t matter. I survived you see, without being lynched. Ronnie hasn’t clapped me in irons yet either.’

‘It is too late. It’s over.’

‘You
just worry about your mother. There’s no need to worry about the Mount.’

‘But I do. I have to.’

‘Let me do that.’

Her eyes sought his. ‘You? You don’t want to worry about the place. That’s why you’re getting rid of it. You said you don’t want the burden any more and you just want to be free.’

‘Read my lips. I love you and I’m not selling.’

Love
. That word again. ‘You love me?’

‘Yes.’ He shook his head trying to look annoyed but his eyes gave everything away. They were full of a light she’d never seen before.

‘Yes, I do. But did you not hear the other thing I said?’

‘Which one?’

‘The thing about not selling the Mount.’

‘What? But you wanted to sell. You called the meeting in the Hall to tell everyone about the sale to Southcastle. You’ve just come from there, haven’t you?’

‘I have, but I didn’t tell them I was selling, I told them I was staying. I couldn’t do it in the end. It meant too much to me.’

‘I don’t understand! Wild horses wouldn’t have stopped you from selling. I couldn’t stop you …’ A horrible thought struck her. ‘You haven’t decided to stay for my sake? I don’t want that. I don’t want to force you to take that place on against your will.’

He laughed. ‘You could have fooled me. Time was when you’d have chained me to the bloody place like Prometheus and watched the eagles peck my heart out.’

‘I wouldn’t have done that!’

‘Yes, you would.’

‘OK. I would, but that was then and this is now. All I wanted was for you to do what gives you peace and happiness.’

‘And
that’s exactly what I have done. Staying at the Mount, making a success of it – an even bigger success – is what I want. Facing the music will make me feel I’m alive, not handing my responsibilities over to some faceless corporation who don’t give a shit about anything.’

As she listened, her face ached with smiling and astonishment. ‘And you won’t regret it?’

‘On the contrary, I’m sure I will regret taking on the place, many times, but not now. Not today.’

‘And you’re not just saying that?’

He threw up his hands in frustration. ‘Miranda Marshall, if you tell me what I want one more time, I won’t be responsible for my actions, and they won’t be noble, I can tell you that.’