Mirage (2 page)

Chapter One

Six months has passed. Six long months since my life ended with Danny’s. The worst six months of my life. Just when I thought I couldn’t get any lower
,
Kylee signed me up for some sort of sappy support group.

“Ky, are you kidding me? You want me to stand in a room full of strangers and tell them how I’m fucked up because the love of my life died? You can’t be serious.” I had never been one to put all of my baggage out there for the world to see. I was more of a ‘smile plastered on my face no matter what’ kind of girl.

I know my friends are worried about me. I can see it in their eyes. Danny was a part of all of us and I know they are grieving too. I know I’m being selfish. I just don’t care. They just want the best for me and here I am, yet again, making this all about me. I never realized that in the process of losing Danny, they lost me too.

“Please just suck it up and go. If it doesn’t help, I’ll never say anything about it ever again,” Kylee pleads with me. Maybe it’s time for me to give in just a little bit.

“Fine, what time do I need to be there?” I asked, defeated.

“7:30,” Kylee said with a glimmer of hope in her eyes.

With the exception of the black dress I wore to Danny’s funeral, I have been living in yoga pants, tee shirts and hoodies. I don’t see a point in changing this now.

“Really, Mira, you can’t even put on a pair of jeans and a little makeup? It’s been months since you even tried to look presentable.” I felt a little switch go off in my brain.

“Yes, Ky, you’re right. It has been MONTHS since I haven’t looked like shit. To be exact, it’s been 6 months, 2 weeks, and 2 days since I haven’t looked like shit. You got me to go to this stupid shit, maybe you shouldn’t bitch about my appearance. You got your win for the day, time to back off a little,” I spewed at her. I did feel a little bad but at this point; showing an ounce of emotion that isn’t sadness is a win in my book.

That was the end of our conversation. I left Kylee at our apartment, got in my car and headed to the crybaby meeting. The drive to the high school, where the meetings were held, was only a 15 minute drive from my apartment. Not much time for me to over think this and back out, I guess.

Pulling into the parking lot, I notice quite a few cars. ‘You have got to be kidding me. It’s like everyone in town is here,’ I said to myself. Feeling a little panic attack coming on, I decided to ditch my favorite University of Michigan hoodie. Ok, so it’s not my hoodie, it’s Danny’s, but it’s still my favorite. It used to smell like him. That is until while visiting my parents back home, my mom washed my laundry for me, trying to help me out. That was 2 weeks after Danny’s death. I was emotionally numb for most of those two weeks, showing zero emotion, until the straw broke the camel
’
s back.

Waking up in my mother
’
s house after being away for four years felt awkward but refreshing at the same time. I always heard that saying, you can never go home again, and I thought maybe for a little while it was true, but this just felt right.

My room was just how I left it when I went off to the University of Michigan. Other than my mom packing away some of my things and putting them in the closet to make room for a sewing machine; it was still “my room”.

Looking around my room, I didn’t see the suitcase I came here with. It was a little chilly this morning and the thought of not wearing Danny’s
hoodie didn’t sit well with me. I looked around the room and in the closet, nothing. I went to the coat closet in the hall and found nothing there either. “Well what the hell, I know I brought it in,” I mumbled.

Walking into the kitchen, I found my mom making a cup of coffee and setting out a couple different boxes of cereal. “Mornin’ honey. I didn’t know what you ate these days but I remember how much you love your sugary cereal in the morning. Coffee?” she asked as pushed a bowl and coffee mug in my direction. I sat down at the bar stool that was pulled to the counter and took the coffee mug. I added much more sugar than the coffee actually needed and a little cream.

I really hated coffee
;
but Danny, Kylee
,
and Skylar got me hooked during study groups and all nighters before tests. That was the only way I could stomach the stuff.

“Mom, have you seen my suitcase? I know I brought it in, but it’s not in my room or the closets. I think I might get dressed and go for a drive.”

“Sure baby, the suitcase is on top of the dryer and your clothes should be dry in about 20 minutes. I made sure to wash them early so you would have enough hot water for a shower, if you wished.”

My heart jumped in my throat and my stomach twisted into knots. I hadn’t washed Danny’s hoodie since the day he left it at my apartment. He was wearing it the morning of graduation when we went to breakfast. It smelled like him. It was the only thing I had that smelled like him.

“Mom, please tell me you didn’t wash my
UofM hoodie?” I begged, secretly praying she didn’t.

“Oh honey, that thing was filthy. It needed to be washed. It looked like it had chocolate and spit all over it. Like a dog used it as a chew toy,” my mom said nonchalantly.

Tears sprung from my eyes, unloading a well of emotion that I had tried to keep bottled That was it for the stoic expressions I showed to everyone for the last 14 days,

“MOM!
That was Danny’s hoodie. Why would you do that? What am I going to do?”

I really wouldn’t call it spit on the hoodie, more like a mixture of tears and saliva; okay, so it was spit. There was probably chocolate all over it too. But no matter what I got on it, I could still smell Danny. That hoodie was always in my bed, and today, not being at my apartment where I had memories of him, I needed that smell.

I needed to remember.

Now that I felt a little less restricted wearing a tee shirt and yoga pants, I made my way into the high school, while tying my hair into a ponytail. The meeting was held in one of the classrooms that weren’t in use during the school year. Almost immediately after walking in, I spotted Skylar McBride.

I met Danny during Freshman Orientation at the University of Michigan. Shortly after that, I met his best friend Skylar, whom he had grown up with. In the beginning, I kind of felt like Skylar was flirting with me here and there. He would give me these quick little glances that I never paid attention to that much, but as soon as I would look in his direction, he would turn away like he wasn’t staring at me. Leave it to best friends to have eyes for the same type of girl.

“Skylar, what are you doing here?” I asked a little too excited to see a familiar face. I went to him and gave him a friendly quick hug.

“Take a guess,” he said, looking frustrated and defeated. I knew that look. I had the same one earlier today. “And to what do we owe this honor? I haven’t seen much of you in a few months,” Skylar asked me, already knowing the answer.

“Ky”, we both said in unison.

That inspired a little giggle to escape from my mouth and I noticed he had a smirk on his face too. Kylee was usually the ringleader. Always making sure we all did stuff together. She was kind of like the glue that held all of us together during college, making sure we didn’t drift apart. I made a mental note to thank her later for loving us and to apologize for being a colossal bitch to her.

“Alright everyone, take a seat and we’ll get this show on the road,” said an older man wearing jeans and a sweater.

He was probably about fifty, but his eyes made him appear much older. It could have been the sadness in his them that aged him.

The chairs in the classroom made a circle, so everyone could see each other. I sat in one of the chairs, closest to the exit, just in case I had to make a quick exit. Skylar took the seat next to me, easing my discomfort.

“I would like to welcome some new faces in the crowd today,” pointing in my direction, “and ask for you guys to go first. Most of us are pretty well acquainted. If you would stand up, tell us your name, the name of your loved one that you lost, and a little about how you lost them. If it gets to be too much, you can take a break or stop. We don’t pressure here and this is a judgment free zone. Those of us who have been here for a while know all too well that talking about your loss, even with a room full of strangers, can be hard, but it’s liberating at the same time,” the man said.

I felt like he was talking directly to me.

“Ok, so who will start us off today? You, in the grey tee shirt, can you please tell us a little about yourself?” he asked and I noticed him looking in my direction.

I looked around me and realized that I was the only one wearing a grey tee shirt and then our eyes connected. Shit. He wants me to start.

“Keep it together and get this over with,” I thought to myself.

Here goes nothing.

“Uhhhhh, hi, I’m Mira Adams and uhhhh
,
I guess I’m here because my best friend Kylee thought it is a good idea for me to talk to someone about my fiancé that passed away a few months ago,” I choked out.

As I started to continue, I looked down from where I was standing and saw Skylar watching me. I mean, like really watching me. Like I was the most captivating thing he had ever seen. I didn’t know if I should feel creeped out by him, or if I was flattered. I gave a small nod and a half smile as I continued.

“Six months ago, my fiancé, Danny, died in a motorcycle accident just outside of town. I have been in a pretty bad place lately; I chose to come here because Kylee thought it would help me. It’s just hard, ya know. What am I supposed to do, just run around and continue my life after I promised my life to someone who isn’t here anymore?”

I couldn’t do this any more. Tears started to pool in my eyes and I feel my throat getting dry and tight. It was beyond time for me to get the hell out of this place.

The older man with the sad eyes stood and walked towards me, reached out his hand, for what I assume could be a gesture for a handshake. “Mira, thank you for introducing yourself and for sharing your story. My name is John and I am the moderator for the group this evening. I would like you to continue, if you can. I know it’s hard, but sometimes, it can help you feel a little better if you can put how your thoughts into words.

“Care to give it a try?” I nodded and gently shook John’s hand.

I didn’t know what he wanted me to do. Do I just dish my feelings? That’s not something I have ever been able to do, not even with Danny. I guess you could call me guarded.

“What should I talk about?” I whispered to John. I glanced over at Skylar and he was still watching me. What the hell?

“Why don’t you start with how Danny passed away?” John whispered back to me. Great. This was not on my list of favorite things to do, but hell, if I at least gave it a try, Skylar would report back to Kylee and then I would be free from this ‘expressing my emotions’ prison.

As I started speaking again, I could feel Skylar’s eyes on me, even without looking in his direction. I started to feel less creeped out; but the feeling that replaced it, I can’t describe. It was kind of between desire and guilt. Serves me right, I guess.

“Ok, I guess I can do this. Danny and I just graduated from U of M. We went to the ceremony that day and a bunch of us were going to go to a graduation after
-
party hosted by some alumni. After the ceremony, Danny and his friend,” I happened to glance at Skylar when I said this and I saw his eyes. They were glazed over
.
Then when our eyes connected, he bowed his head and started staring at the floor.

I didn’t even think of how hard this would be for him. God, how selfish have I been? I am hurting beyond belief. I don’t think anyone can comprehend how I feel. But God, Skylar. He had been best friends with Danny since diapers.

“On second thought, I don’t think I can do this today. I would like to be done if that’s okay, John,” I managed to say. I was definitely feeling guilt.

“Alright, thank you for sharing, Myra. Maybe next time we can talk a little more about Danny and how you feel,” John said with a fake smile on his face.

Next time? Yeah, right. That wasn’t happening. I got Kylee off my back coming here, I will be damned if I came back again. This place is not my cup of tea.

“Skylar, would you like to continue where you left off last time
?
” John asked as he turned towards Skylar.

What the hell was going on? I thought he was here because Kylee had forced his hand like she did mine. Something didn’t make sense. I looked at Skylar and shot him a puzzling look. He calmly stood up and gave me a slight wink. I don’t think anyone else noticed, but damn, was Skylar always this sexy? Did I just fucking think that? Oh hell. That’s exactly where I’m going. Straight. To. Hell. Who has thoughts like this about their dead fiancé
’
s best friend?

“Thanks
,
John. Well, pretty much everyone here knows me
,
but just in case, I’m Skylar. Skylar McBride. I lost my best friend six months ago. My best friend just happens to be Mira’s fiancé. Our Danny’s are one in the same. Where did I leave off last week? Hmmmm...oh yeah, I’m sorry, it’s been one of those days. I wanted to talk about the accident. Mira, sweets, do you mind if I talk about this? I know you were going to, but couldn’t get it out. If it would make you uncomfortable, I don’t have to,” Skylar asked me.

There were reasons I avoided Skylar. There were reasons I didn’t have him over to the apartment. There were reasons that I didn’t want to see him. I felt beyond guilty. How can I be his friend and wonder why God took Danny and not him? How can I look him in his eyes? I guess it’s my turn to look at the ground while he speaks.

“Skylar, if talking about it helps you, maybe hearing it will help me. Please continue,” I said
,
but it was more of a plea. Maybe if I could help him through his grief, I wouldn’t feel so guilty about the thoughts that I had in my head.