Miracle In March (14 page)

‘James, it's okay, you don't have to explain,' she said. ‘And give it time, it might take a little while.'

‘I've started putting Owly in there, to see if that helps him.'

‘Good idea.'

James glanced into the distance at the row of white-walled cabins with their blue roofs, each slightly different but essentially the same, like human beings. From a distance, Jackson was just like any other child. Close up, the differences showed.

‘Are you okay?' Emma asked.

‘Huh? Yeah, fine.' He rubbed at the back of his neck, his eyes lowering to the damp sand beneath his feet. Why did she have to ask that? She had this way of getting people to open up to talk about what was on their mind, and he'd bottled up so much for so many years he was desperate to let at least some of it out. He exhaled loudly. ‘I just wish I could do something as simple as make a sandcastle with my son, you know?' A lump formed in his throat.

Emma gave a small nod, remaining silent, a cue to continue.

‘When he was born, I had these grand ideas of things I'd want to do with him, to teach him. Milestones to celebrate together. Most of those have gone out the window now.' Why was he saying all this? She couldn't have children and here he was talking about his parenting challenges.

‘Oh, James.' She touched his arm and he felt the water transfer to her fingers.

Her softness made him stiffen. He didn't want comfort, he just wanted to let a few thoughts out of his head. ‘Ah, but he's a good kid. I guess there'll just be different types of experiences to enjoy with him.'

‘True, but there's nothing wrong with feeling sad about what might have been. Believe me, I've been there, in my own way.'

Of course. She got it. She knew what it was like to have grand ideas of how life would be, only to have life turn things upside down and give you something you didn't expect.

James didn't know how to respond. When he was about to change the subject and comment on the beautiful weather, she lightly cupped his elbow. ‘C'mon,' she said.

He drew his eyebrows together in curiosity. ‘What are we doing?'

‘We're going to make a sandcastle.' She grinned. She placed her bag on the ground, rolled up her pants and sat, then gathered up clumps of sand. ‘Well c'mon, give me a helping hand.' A smile tweaked at the corner of his lips at her teacher-like voice. ‘I want to check out your construction skills.'

‘I don't think they'll be as good as the guys you have working for you.' He cocked his head towards the new cabins.

‘Bob and the team? I bet you can outdo them when it comes to sandcastles.'

He laughed and knelt on the sand. ‘Bob? And he's a builder?'

‘Yep, and quite proud of the association with the children's character.' Emma patted the clump of sand in front of her.

James pressed the sides of the clump together, forming walls. ‘Let's go for a square shape.' He flattened the sides into corners, while Emma worked on the other side of the clump.

‘Triple decker?' she asked, adding another clump on top.

‘For sure.'

They formed a square shape on the second level then James gathered up a pile of wet sand for the third level. They pressed and patted, smoothed and sculpted. While working on the top level their fingers brushed against each other, speckled with grains of sand.

Emma took her hands away. ‘You do the top.'

He finished the top of the sandcastle, then ran his finger around the perimeter of the bottom level. ‘We have to have a moat, right?'

‘Every good sandcastle needs a moat.' Emma drew a door shape into the side of the castle, then added a flat stick to be the drawbridge.

They scooped out sand from the tops of each level, making a floor and walls. James became lost in the moment; the satisfying warmth of the sand on his hands, moulding to his touch, felt therapeutic. So he wasn't doing this with Jackson, but he never thought he'd be making a sandcastle with Emma. The kindness of her initiative added to the warmth spreading inside him.

‘You're doing a good job, James.'

‘Thanks, what can I say?' He held up his hands in front of the sandcastle.

Emma smiled. ‘I mean, with Jackson. You're a good dad.'

Oh.
He swallowed. ‘You can tell, just from a few days?'

‘I've met a lot of parents, observed their kids. You're doing great. Trust me.'

He bit his lip. Was he really? He still couldn't budge the feeling that there was always more he could be doing. Not a week went by when he didn't do some sort of internet search on the latest autism research, or chat to other parents about what was working for them.

‘Thanks Emma, that's nice of you to say.' He focused on one wall of the castle and took extra care to sculpt it into perfect shape. He watched as Emma did the same, and he wondered what it would have been like, what it
would
be like, if Jackson had a female around. Would things have been different if Jackson's mother had stayed? Or maybe they would be worse. He was glad in a way that he didn't have to share custody, didn't have to move Jackson from house to house or only see him on alternate weekends. He was one parent, the only carer for his son. ‘Sometimes I feel like I have to be both father and mother for him. Like I have to give him double the love, because his mother didn't want him.'

James stopped and looked up. Did he say that out loud? He'd been so lost in his thoughts he hadn't noticed till the sound of his own voice in the open air had hit his eardrums.

He glanced down and Emma had stopped too, was looking right at him. ‘You only have to be you. I think the love you have for him is more than enough.'

God, he wanted to take her hands in his and bring them to his lips. He wanted to wrap her in his arms again like he'd done that night she'd told him her secret. Bizarre, how only a few days ago, he didn't want to be anywhere near her.

‘Can I ask, what happened to his mother?' Emma squinted as though her question might sting.

A few days ago he would have said, ‘It's none of your goddamn business', but now, being in nature with the sandcastle between them and acting as a strange kind of safety barrier, he wanted to tell her. He wanted to let out his secret too. Something he'd never even told his parents. They knew what happened to Jackson's mother, but they didn't know the whole story. He'd never told anyone.

James placed a shell on the top of the castle, positioning it like a satellite, ready to pick up and transmit all his secrets to her.

‘She's currently overseas. Working in musical theatre.' That was the easy part. But the memory, the
what if
that crossed his mind whenever he thought about the past always made him queasy. ‘She chose her career over her son. She wanted an abortion.'

Emma flinched.

He knew it would trigger her. When she had so desperately wanted a child of her own, knowing someone would have willingly given up the gift they'd received was bound to rattle her.

Just like it had rattled him…

New Years Day, of all days, was the day James' life changed yet again. Nursing a mild hangover from the previous night's celebrations, he'd woken to a text message from Stacey.

It wasn't a
Happy New Year.
Or
Thanks for that night we shared last month, if you ever want to hook up again let me know
. Nope. It was a simple but profound message, straight to the point:

James, I'm pregnant. It's yours. Don't worry, I'll deal with it.

Pregnant? Deal with it? What did she mean by that, that she would raise the child on her own or that she would…

No.

No way.

He called her straight away. ‘We need to talk about this.'

‘There's nothing to talk about, I'm not having the baby.'

The baby. Not hers, or his, or theirs, but
the
. Like their child was some minor nuisance she could just cast aside.

He convinced her to meet him in person to at least discuss the options, but her crossed arms, tight lips, and tired eyes told him it would be akin to convincing a jury to convict an innocent man.

‘It's my baby too,' he pleaded. ‘You can't just get rid of it without consulting me.'

‘I had the decency to at least tell you. I could have just had the abortion and never told you, but no. I thought you at least had a right to know.'

‘And I have a right to decide, too.'

‘It's my body. And my job depends on my body. This is my big break, I can't do the role with a big belly.'

‘It's only temporary, you can still do the role for a couple of months until you start showing, then your understudy can take over, and by then you would have performed a lot of shows and your name will be out there.'

She sighed. ‘You don't understand.'

James glared at her. ‘Oh I understand alright. You're about to deny life to the child I'm willing to be a father to. How is that fair?'

‘What, James, you think we're just going to play happy families? I made a mistake. We made a mistake. Let's just get it over with and move on, back to our own lives.'

His life. Without Emma. And without the child who he'd helped bring to life. It didn't seem right. Especially after he'd seen what his sister had gone through over the last three years trying to get pregnant. Not to mention the miscarriage. Who knew if Lizzie would ever be able to become a mother?

‘We don't have to play happy families. You go, live your dream life. I'll take full custody.'

She laughed, which only riled him more. ‘What? You think I can't do it? Because I can. And I will.'

‘James, James, you're a successful corporate man. A baby will have you falling down that ladder of success faster than you can say “objection!”'

He loved his career. But there was always this nagging feeling that something was missing. There was something more out there, waiting for him, even if Emma would never be a part of it.

‘So you're not prepared to make a few sacrifices for what, seven months, to give a little kid a chance at a life?'

‘It's not a little kid, it's barely the size of my fingernail. It's a foetus, James. It's not fully developed. It's not like it'll feel anything.'

Heat burned his throat and chest. ‘How can you be so insensitive?' he fumed. ‘I'm all for women doing what they feel is right for themselves, but not when the other person involved doesn't get a say. Yes, we made a mistake. And we have to deal with the consequences of that mistake, not pretend it never happened. That's what adults do, they suck it up and deal with the consequences. Grow up, Stacey.'

She turned away and waved her hand. ‘I don't have to listen to this. I'm outta here.'

‘No, wait!' He grasped her arm. Appealing to her human nature wasn't going to work, she only cared about herself.

There was only one thing he could do…

‘So how did you convince her to have the baby?' Emma asked.

James' jaw tightened and he wiped sand off his hands and stood, the sun burning into his bare back. He turned around to look at the water, knowing that every drop in the ocean was vital to the whole, every drop deserved to be there, just like every new life was part of the big wide world. He turned back to face Emma who now stood in front of him.

‘I'm ashamed of what I had to do.' He lowered his head.

‘You can tell me.'

He looked into her eyes and saw nothing but understanding and…love?

‘I paid her off, Em. I bribed her. Money in exchange for my son's life.' He sat on the sand and rested his elbows on his knees. He gazed out at the vast body of water rolling and tumbling onto the shore, just like the memory of that day when he hadn't been sure if the life he'd helped create, even though unplanned, could be taken away from him without his consent.

Emma sat quietly next to him, matching his position, her elbow brushing against his. ‘You did what you had to do to save your son's life. There's no shame in that.'

He was glad they were both looking at the ocean; eye contact right now would be difficult as his eyes became hot and moist.

‘The whole time, I was worried she'd take the money and run, get rid of…have the procedure. It was only when Jackson was placed into my arms for the first time that I really felt secure in the fact that I was a father.'

‘It must have been a difficult few months.'

‘It was, and highly unconventional, to say the least.' He picked up a bit of sand and let it run through his fingers. ‘I made her sign an agreement. As security. She would have the baby and take care of her health, and I would pay her more than she was getting for the show she was performing in. She sacrificed the chance of being asked back to do another season, knowing they could just take the understudy again, but she got it. She got right back into work after he was born, got into the Melbourne season of the show, like her stint in Sydney had been a brief flash in time. Like it never happened.'

‘I'm sure, deep down, it was hard for her. I'm sure she felt some connection to the baby.'

James glanced at Emma. ‘I thought she might too, but really, I doubt she did. She was detached the whole time, as though it was just another role she had to play. When it was over, she moved on.'

Emma's warm hand rested on his arm, gritty sand tickling his skin. ‘I'm sorry, for my part in this. If I had been honest with you from the start, this would have never —'

‘Emma, don't. Don't do “what ifs”. Yeah you're right, if you hadn't left, I would probably never have met her, and definitely wouldn't have had a one night stand with her. But she gave me Jackson. And despite his challenges, you know what?'