Mine To Lose (11 page)

Whispers hissed on my left, but I could not discern if they were male or female. My nausea had finally released me, thank God, and my heartbeat was steady again. The murmurs continued in incomprehensible words and my curiosity probed, but I remained still. Footsteps sounded toward my right side, and I felt a warm, soft hand check my pulse before fading into the distance. With care, I peeked through my barely open eyelids to see if I was alone. In the corner bed, I saw an inanimate figure under the covers, sleeping soundly and looking quite sinister. There was nobody around in the way of nursing sisters or doctors, so I attempted to move my fingers just to get a bit of activity out of my reflexes.

‘Food poisoning, Katie. Well done,’
I bitched in my head.
‘Thank God it wasn’t alcohol again; otherwise, Dr Pane would have a hissy fit again.’

I wondered where Jordan was. Once again he was absent when I woke in hospital. To be honest, I was beginning to feel like my life was one recurring incident after another. Groundhog Day with a few twists to keep me hopeful, I reckoned. My mouth was bone dry, the inside of it the texture of sandpaper, and I immediately started to look for a bottle or glass of water. Without success, I scanned the other bedside tables.

Even my tongue felt alien in its place, so I pushed myself to sit up as best I could. Once upright, I found my equilibrium with a bit of effort.

Not seeing water anywhere, I elected to try and make it to the compact bathroom in the far corner where I could drink from a tap. But my endeavour was short-circuited by a male nurse who just happened to walk in and catch me in the act.

‘No, no, Mrs Winston!’ he protested as he rushed to intercept me. ‘You can’t get out of bed yet.’

My first thought was to ignore him, but I had a drip needle lodged in my hand. He smiled cordially, gently ushered me back onto the bed and covered me.

‘Water,’ I said.

‘I’ll go get you some. I’m not surprised you need it after how many times you were sick,’ he said.

Like I needed reminding, seeing as I was there. ‘Is my husband outside?’ I asked.

He looked a bit confused but assured me that he would check when he got my water. The thick needle in the back of my hand was burning into my vein every time I moved my arm under the heavy blankets, and I could just let out a soft whimper at my ill luck. The nurse came back in with a godsend.

‘Wait,’ he said, ‘I’ll pour it for you, and then you can just sit up to drink.’

‘Thank you,’ I replied, craning my neck forward to suck up the cool blessing that loosened my tongue from the stickiness of the roof of my mouth and soothed my sore voice as it ran down my gullet. ‘Oh! That was amazing, thanks,’ I told him when I had drunk my fill. ‘Did you see my husband, then?’

He shook his head, ‘The shift supervisor said he left shortly after speaking to the doctor on duty when you were admitted. He said he’d return for visiting hours.’

‘Which is when?’ I asked.

He checked his watch. ‘In fifteen minutes!’ He smiled cheerfully. ‘So you don’t even have to wait that long.’

‘Good. Good.’ I smiled, wondering what Dr Pane was going to say about all this once she came in.

What felt like an eternity was actually a short eleven minutes while I watched all the other patients light up at the sight of their relatives and friends arriving.

‘Where’s Jordan?’
I wondered. He had been quite knackered when he brought me in. Perhaps he was catching up on sleep and hadn’t woken up yet.

‘Not here yet?’ the nurse asked me. My eyes swept over his name tag—it said
‘Ethan’
in bold white lettering on a dark blue background—then up to his face. It was attractive with puppy dog brown eyes and a light stubble on his chin.

‘No, a no-show.’ I sighed. Shrugging, suggesting he overslept.

‘That’s a pity,’ he replied, looking around the place, alive with mild chatter and hushed exchanges of news among patients and visitors. ‘I can stay here with you for a bit if you’d like?’

‘That is really sweet of you, but you really don’t have to.’ I smiled. ‘Besides, I could do with a bit of a nap.’

I lied, actually. I was being nice. I felt so alone I wanted to weep. All I wanted right now was my husband, to feel his hand over mine and get his reassurance. Ethan shook his head and looked at me with tenderness.

‘I really thought your hubby would have made more of an effort, especially given the happy news and all,’ he said. ‘I expect he would have at least brought you a gift or something to celebrate, you know? Maybe you’re right. Perhaps he just overslept. He did look a little tired.’

I frowned, ‘What happy news?’

‘Oh, the baby, of course,’ he smiled happily, locking his fingers in front of him with absolute glee. My heart hit the floor. A jolt of panic shot through me while I processed what he said.

‘The ... baby,’ I stuttered, too shocked to say anything cogent.

‘That’s right!’ he chirped, but glancing at me, he instantly lost his cheer. ‘Oh, my God, you didn’t know?’

I had no words. In fact, I couldn’t find any breath in me to even try to ask again, because what he’d told me felt like it was news for someone else. He must have thought I was totally dumbstruck, as I stared at him with an astonished expression, my fingers writhing to force my body to react.

‘Oh, my God, I’m so sorry,’ he repeated just to break the tension, ‘I had no idea you didn’t know.’

My lip quivered, yet I was uncertain if the looming crying spell was some sort of emotional relief to finally get what I wanted so secretly – or if I was having a stroke from shock. For a brief moment, a thousand thoughts darted through my head – all about Jordan.

This was why he stayed away. My vision blurred behind the sudden flux of tears; you know, the kind that you don’t even feel until they simply escape your eyes and flood your cheeks without reservation.

‘I ...’ my voice shook, ‘I didn’t know, no. Um, I don’t think my husband is coming back. Could you please get me ... s-someth ...’

I couldn’t speak. My brain couldn’t articulate, formulate words. As a matter of fact, I did not know what I wanted to say. To be honest, I think that was what happened when my mouth tried to speak emotion. Feelings have no words, yet I wanted to say what I could only feel. The nurse seemed to sense I was distraught.

‘I’ll call the doctor. She’s on the next ward,’ Ethan said as he gently placed his hand on my head.

‘Please? If you could? I’m s-s-orry,’ I stammered.

‘Alright. Don’t upset yourself now, okay?’ He smiled.

‘I ... I won’t ...’ I sobbed as softly as I could without making a scene for the other patients and their visitors. My heart was broken over Jordan’s reaction, but I knew that way deeper inside there was a tiny star blossoming. Stars brought light, I reminded myself, and more so, they helped you navigate during the darkest hours. No matter what happened after this, my baby was my star, and I had to remember that when I felt alone or lost under the night sky.

‘Katie,’ I heard from the doorway. It was Dr Pane, followed by Ethan. ‘How’re you feeling? And what’s with the tears? For once, you’ve been admitted for a good thing.’ She winked, and I could have sworn she actually smiled.

But all I could do was cry. ‘Jordan’s going to leave me.’

‘Leave you? Whatever for?’ She dismissed my self-pity.

‘He ... he doesn’t want … children.’

‘If I told you how many times I’d heard that, I’d be a millionaire living in the Caribbean. The poor man got the shock of his life. I mean, God, look at you! Don’t you think he had the same voltage going through him when he heard the news? Relax.’

‘You don’t understand,’ I said sniffing. ‘He must be furious with me. You see, we decided to never have children and ...’

I didn’t want to unload on strangers, but I had to tell someone. She waited patiently, her face full of compassion, so I just rambled it off. ‘And I don’t know how this happened, but he’ll think it was deliberate. I’m on the pill. I don’t understand how this could’ve happened.’

‘I’m sure he understands that contraceptive is not 100% foolproof. If he were dead set against having a baby, I’m sure he would have had a vasectomy to make sure it never happened. I’m sure once the shock has worn off, he’ll come round. You’ll see.’

‘No, no, he won’t. He’ll make me have an abortion.’ I could feel myself bordering on hysteria at the thought. I felt Dr Pane’s firm hand on my arm.

‘Listen to me. You need to calm down. You have a baby to think about now. No one can force you to do something against your will. Do you hear me?’

I nodded mutely.

‘I want this baby with all my heart. I will never have an abortion, never,’ I insisted, my tears dissipating as my conviction took hold.

She looked up at me with a soft gaze. ‘And your husband will have to grow up and take responsibility. This is a matter between the two of you, ultimately, Katie. I’m just in charge of your medical care. What a husband and wife decide for their marriage is really not my turf or my prerogative. But your husband can’t blame you for something that’s not your fault. I can explain to him how your medication could have interfered with the pill ...’

‘Could you? Please? He will never believe
me
,’ I implored without sounding needy. I made it sound like a professional request.

‘Very well.’ She nodded, and having her as ally shed all my troubles for now. Now I could sleep, daring to smile.

After two days in hospital, Jordan had still not shown up. When I called him on his mobile, it rang for a few seconds then was cut off. When I tried again, it went straight through to voice mail. It annoyed me, insulted me, and most of all, it concerned me. There was no telling if he was even all right. But I refused to call Martha to find out what was afoot. Naturally, she would know every detail by now, no doubt of the same paranoid opinion that it was all staged from the beginning, that her poor boy was conned to give me a baby.

It was my last day in hospital, so he had to resurface at some point, whether he wanted to or not. Dr Pane vowed to speak to him first before he would be allowed to pick me up, but I had no idea if she had contacted Jordan yet. Ethan came in with his usual sunny disposition to say hello and chat.

‘Off home today, I hear,’ he said with a smile. I had become quite fond of him. He was genuine and compassionate – a virtue well received by me.

‘Apparently,’ I said, returning his smile.

‘That’s good, Mummy,’ he said.

His choice of words somehow made my heart jump and flush with warmth.

‘Mummy.’

‘I like the sound of that,’ I said.
Unfortunately, I’ll be the only one
.

He grinned. ‘It’s a good feeling isn’t it? To be blessed with a child?’

‘I don’t think my husband see’s it like that,’

‘He will eventually. At first, it is the shock, the blame, the discord and all. I know first-hand, I assure you. But then as time goes on there is a kind of peace that comes with the acceptance and after that,’ he said, ‘then comes the love and the excitement for the arrival. You know, along the way he’ll think much on his new status, your hubby. And along the line, he will begin to realise what it really means ...
really
means to be a dad. Then all this confusion and conflict will mean nothing.’

‘I hope you’re right,’ I replied. ‘I just want him to talk to me. I think that’s what bothers me the most right now – the not talking, the not knowing.’

‘I know,’ he consoled. ‘But just take one day at a time and enjoy your pregnancy. Don’t let the world and personal things overwhelm you. Every day, find something that makes you laugh. The little one will appreciate it.’

‘I will, now there’s two of us to think about,’ I marvelled cheerfully. ‘Good advice!’

‘I’m dead serious too,’ he insisted. ‘Fun is very underrated, you know, especially in this serious world where adults have to be responsible. It is actually just a ruse.’ He winked. ‘You have to have fun, any fun, to survive this horrid world. And the best part is ...’ he leaned in to whisper, ‘... it is
free
.’

How he managed to make all my troubles disappear simply with his presence, was above me, but I was more than grateful for it. In fact, I could almost physically feel my concerns dissipate whenever he stepped into my immediate space. Ethan excused himself and promised to come say goodbye in an hour if he could. Just as he rounded the doorway, disappearing from sight, another figure came around the other corner.

Amazing how a happy atmosphere can be sucked dry within an instant by a negative energy, I thought, as Martha’s malicious little eyes pierced my very soul and seized every ounce of happiness from me.

‘My God, Katie, you look terrible,’ was her first comment. It was her way of establishing her misguided notion of superiority.

Thanks! Just what I need to hear, you miserable bitch,’
I thought, desperate to just come out and say it to her face. My patience was wearing thin, perhaps thanks to my new hormonal condition, but I refrained once more to preserve some form of faux amity.

‘I wasn’t aware that being in hospital merited a beauty regime, Martha,’ I snapped back, quite proud of my counter, for it did have some impact. Martha’s face contorted under her layers of makeup as she replied somewhat taken aback.

‘Well, I see someone’s irritable today,’ she muttered as she pulled up a chair.

‘Funny, I was in a great mood just a minute ago,’ I retorted. ‘Must be something in the air.’ I hoped she would take it as it was intended, but she ignored me as she always did when my demeanour did not sit well with her failed intimidation.

‘We have to talk, Katie,’ she said with a long exhale. ‘Jordan told me about the pregnancy, and quite frankly, I am shocked at the news. And Jordan is livid.’

‘I appreciate your concern,’ I told her calmly, even though my heart threatened to explode under the rush of my fury, ‘but I really think he is perfectly capable of telling me himself. After all, he is a grown man. I hardly think it is anyone’s business but ours.’

Martha’s witched look spat disdain, but she kept her response cordial.

‘Katie, Jordan is my child; therefore, whatever goes wrong in his life absolutely concerns me. I mean, of course it is my business when my son is being upset,’ she croaked in her best high and mighty tone.

‘When something ...
goes wrong
in his life?’ I gawked in amazement. ‘Is this wrong? Is being blessed with a child, an heir, a future for one’s bloodline an error?’ I was steadily slipping off that slope of restraint. I exclaimed without reservation for who heard me, ‘Christ, Martha, you have a son! How can you condemn me for having a child when you have committed that same dreadful crime you’re being such a hypocrite about?’

‘Will you please keep your voice down?’ she rasped, looking utterly mortified for not being able to keep up appearances in front of strangers. ‘And watch your language!’

‘Excuse me?’ I sneered. ‘Are you suddenly the Pope of propriety? Unlike what you expect from me, I am an adult, and I can say whatever the fuck I want whenever I feel the goddamn urge!’

She shifted uncomfortably, having never been confronted head-on by me before. Even I could not believe how I reacted, but it was too late now. My disposition had become more and more indifferent, unfazed of what anyone thought, and for some reason, I saw my grandfather smiling mischievously in a flash of memory. That same expression riddled his features when he had gotten back at someone or rebelled against whatever force tried to oppress him. Perhaps he was trying to tell me he was watching by creating the quick vision of him.

By the looks of the medical staff and the other patients, I realised that I was a tad out of line in my outburst, so I toned it down drastically. But I could not still the rage in my heart, nor calm its frantic palpitations at the unfair opinions of my adversary. Never before had I literally wished someone dead with such passion as I did at that moment.

‘Listen, you’re impossible to speak to. No wonder my poor son asked me to talk some sense into you,’ she said conceitedly. ‘It is clear why he is reluctant to even see you if this is how you react to reason.’

‘Reason? You call this reason? Everything you propose in your veiled remarks, Martha, is illogical and biased,’ I replied. ‘I didn’t get pregnant on purpose. My medication countered my contraception. Stop acting like I used some bloody charade to have a baby.’ I was on a roll now. Like the rush of a meandering mountain stream my bottled up thoughts spilled out of me. ‘And don’t make assumptions about me. You come in here, bemoaning a situation you know absolutely squat about, Martha. This is precisely why you should not meddle in
our
business.’

‘I have every right to protect my son,’ she snapped.

‘And I have every right to protect my child,’ I retorted so quickly I did not even know where the perfect response came from.

She had nothing. Martha looked self-consciously at the people around us to establish her next course of action according to what it would look like to others. Blinking rapidly as she did when defeated and pissed about it, Martha stood up.

‘Since this pregnancy is an accident, I don’t see why you should keep the baby. Jordan ... and I ... suggest that you have an abortion. It would be best for all of us,’ she said solemnly.

‘I beg your pardon!’ I said pushing myself into a sitting position. ‘An abortion? What gives you the right to come in here and tell me to kill my unborn child?’

‘Keep your voice down, Katie!’ She stood and began to back away as I got out the bed and moved towards her.

‘Keep my voice down! You’re—’

‘Look, just think about it. Having a child will cost you all your time, not to mention the cost of school and childcare ...’ her quivering lips betrayed her ill attempt at fibbing. Raising a child by yourself is no fun, believe me.’

In a split second, the truth had been revealed. She was telling me in no uncertain terms that if I had the baby, Jordan would not be raising it with me. I was shocked to find I didn’t care.

‘I am not getting rid of my baby, Martha,’ I stated categorically. Never before had I had such conviction. ‘And that is final. I shall take it up with
my husband
, and we, as a married couple, will discuss
our
future in private.’

Never before had I felt so certain about something; so certain that I was completely unafraid to defend it. I kept wondering if it was a hormonal thing, this new found fortitude I had where I once would have yielded or held my tongue. It was certainly a liberation to explore, yet I was aware that it would threaten my relationship with my husband a great deal. As for my relationship with my mother-in-law, I couldn’t care less.

‘Just remember one thing,’ she said. ‘You’re insisting on something that will make Jordan’s life miserable and tedious. Your role as a wife is to make your husband happy, after all. We all have to compromise and sacrifice sometimes.’

I laughed mockingly at her ludicrous hypocrisy.

‘Oh, my God, Martha,’ I chuckled, ‘as if you can talk about what a wife’s role is. And you may want to follow your own advice on
sacrifice
too. Sacrifice a little to be a bloody decent grandmother to your son’s baby, why don’t you?’

Martha was obviously livid. Her face exhibited a host of negative expressions all in one at her defeat and more so at her inability to deem my remarks invalid. Deep in her core, she knew everything I said was true. My points were not only justifiable but irrefutable to her morality, had she any left.

‘Your disrespectful manner is deeply offensive. I thought you had more sense than this. It’s as if something’s come over you,’ she recited her well-rehearsed chastisement. As she turned to leave, she scoffed and muttered, ‘It must be the hormones or something.’

***

Jordan showed up an hour after his Martha left. It was the first time I’d seen him in days. I could tell by his expression that Martha had relayed our conversation word for word with more added for a dramatic effect. Dr Pane had explained the circumstances of my pregnancy to him, but the only good it did was to lift the accusation of our baby being pre-planned. Even if he now believed my pregnancy was an accident, he didn’t approve of it.

With the present staff congratulating him kindly, and for the sake of his reputation as a good man, Jordan forced a smile here and there, putting his love for acting to work. He did not discuss anything with me ... yet.