Mind Gym (41 page)

   guidelines for boosting, 224–25

   morphological matrix and, 234–36, 241

   opposites and, 230–34

   overcoming blocks, 217–28

   removing the spectacles, 225–26

   tools of, 229–42

   unconscious mind, 243–51

critical state of mind, 12, 13, 15–16, 20, 24

   removing, 20

criticism, 93, 169–72, 188

Csikszentmihalyi, Mihaly, 18, 264

cynicism, 95

Darley, John, 14

daydreaming, 246–49

Dead Poets Society
, 158–59

deal making, 140–41, 145, 146, 147

debt, 74

decision making, 17, 38, 59–71, 78

   existential cycle and, 61–71,
62–67

   irrational exuberance and, 61, 68–69

   stages of, 61–70

defending, 191–92

depression, 31, 273

detoxification of relationships, 181–94

dialogue, principles of, 196–201

diaphragmatic breathing, 284, 285, 286

diet, 30

discomfort, 76

dismissiveness, 112

Disney, Walt, 157

distracted zone, 262–63, 266

distractions, avoiding, 290

distraught zone, 263, 266

divorce, 60, 104, 106, 112

Dodson, John, 256

doing, 61, 62,
62
, 63–70,
64–67

dreaming, 63–74,
64

drivers, 120, 122–24, 125–26

   spotting, 125–26

Dylan, Bob, 249

dynamic zone, 261–62, 266, 267

Einstein, Albert, 221, 243, 245

elicitation questions, 156–57

embarrassment, 165, 166

emotional barriers, 78–79

   dealing with, 79

empathy, 183, 188

endorsements, 173

engaged state of mind, 12,
13
, 18, 19, 21–22, 24

entrainment, 153

environmentalism, 56

evaluating ideas, 225

evidence, 40–41, 44

excuses, and procrastination, 80–81

exercise, 2

existential cycle, 61–71,
62–67

   contemplating, 61, 62,
62
, 63–67,
64–66

   doing, 61, 62,
62
, 63–70,
64–67

   experimenting, 61,
62
, 63–67,
64–66

   preparing, 61,
62
, 62–67,
64–66

existentialism, 60

expectations, lowering, 98

experimenting, 61,
62
, 63–67,
64–66

expertise, 222–23

external focus, 10, 11, 12

Facebook, 1

failure, 95

   fear of, 77–78

familiarity, 14

fantasies, catastrophic, 66,
66
, 67–68, 70

favor asking, 141–42, 146, 147

fear of change, 59–71

feedback, 31, 134, 163–78, 258

   counsel, 169–78

   exercises, 176–78

   mastering the art of, 172–76

   praise, 164–69, 173–78

   sandwich, 174

filters, 218–29

   expertise, 222–23

   knowing the problem, 218–19

   knowing the solution, 220–21

   living in the real world, 221–22

   removing, 225–26

   what is it?, 223–24

Finding Forrester
, 250

five-minute start, 82

flexibility, 121–22, 147

focus, 10–12, 24–25

   bid patterns and, 114–15

   dialogue and, 196–97

   external, 10, 11, 12

   on the good, 98

   internal, 10, 11, 12

   on solutions, 96

Folkman, Susan, 270

forcing, 144–45, 146, 147

Ford, Henry, 77

forgiveness, 99

Forster, E. M., 158

frame of mind, for dialogue, 197–98

free association, 236–40, 241–42

friends, support from, 275–76, 278

Frontiers in Psychology
, 258

game playing, 205–12

   avoiding or ending, 208–13

   exercises, 212–13

   finding playmates, 207

   roles, 205–7

generalizing, 184–87

generosity with answers, 155–56

goals, 9, 83

   setting, 82

good, focusing on, 98

good impression, making a, 124–27

Google, 3

Gottman, John, 104, 106, 108, 112

graduating charm school, 160

grocery shopping, 118–19

Groundhog Day
, 204–5

guide, creative, 247, 248, 249

habits, 4

   changing, 84–85

   gaming, 205–12

happiness, 264, 290

health, 30, 76

   benefits of optimism, 29–31

hearts and minds, winning, 135–49

Heidegger, Martin, 60

high school reunion, 299–300

hope, 151–52

humor, 173–74

ideal state of mind, 22–23

I’m okay mind-set, 92,
92
, 93, 95–101

impact words, 154–55

implicity, 173–74

imposter syndrome, 16

improvement, 4, 147

incubation of ideas, 245–46, 249

influence, 4, 134, 135–49, 160

   asking questions, 138–39, 146, 147

   cozying up, 139–40, 145, 147

   deal making, 140–41, 145, 146, 147

   exercises, 148–49

   favor asking, 141–42, 146, 147

   forcing, 144–45, 146, 147

   inspiring, 137–38, 146

   invoking authority, 143–44, 147

   reasoning, 136–37, 145, 146

   tactics of, 136–48

   using silent allies, 142–43, 146

   win hearts and minds, 135–49

insincerity, avoiding, 172

inspiring, 137–38, 146

intelligent conscious, 244

internal focus, 10, 11, 12

Internet, 111

interrupting, 192–93

intimacy, 90

invoking authority, 143–44, 147

irrational exuberance, 61, 68–69

James, Richard, 224

James Bond films, 75

Karpman, Stephen, 206

Kennedy, John F., 137

Kill Zone, 263, 266

King, Martin Luther, Jr., 137

   “I Have a Dream” speech, 137, 160

Lancet, The
, 287

laughter, 105

Lazarus, Richard, 270

life span, and optimism, 30–31

lifestyle, 30

locus of control, 54–58

love, 167

luck, 27, 28

marriage, 67, 103–4, 106, 112

   counseling, 104

Mayo Clinic, 30

media, 2

mediation, 2

metaphors, and visualization, 291

mind, 1–6

   attention and, 10–12

   automatic thinking and, 9–25

   autopilot, 12, 13,
13
, 14–15, 19, 20, 23

   bliss and, 253–54

   conflict and, 179–213

   control and, 49–85

   creativity and, 215–52

   critical, 12,
13
, 15–16, 20, 24

   engaged, 12,
13
, 18, 19, 21–22, 24

   fitness program for, 1–6

   exercises, 24–25

   focus and, 10–12, 24–25

   four stakes of, 12–18

   ideal state of, 22–23

   move from harmful to helpful states of, 18–22

   optimism and, 27–47

   persuasion and, 133–78

   reflective, 20–21

   relationships and, 87–131

   relaxation, 283–97

   reset your, 7–47

   stress and, 253–97

   switching back to manual, 19–20

   thinking, 12,
13
, 16–18

   unconscious, 243–52

Mind Gym, philosophy of, 3–4

minimizing the outcome, 272, 278

minimizing the situation, 271–72

mistakes, 77

   correcting, 17

   minimizing, 97

morphological matrix, 234–36, 241

motivations, 117–31

   adapters, 121–24, 126–27

   of carers, 119–20, 122–24, 125

   of drivers, 120, 122–24, 125–26

   exercises, 130–31

   making a good impression, 124–27

   of professionals, 121, 122–24, 126

   quiz, 127–30

   styles, 119–31

   understanding other people’s, 118–22

Mozart, Wolfgang Amadeus, 245

music, 55, 151–52, 157, 230, 235, 245

name calling, 187–89

negative bids, 105, 106, 109–11

negative consequences, 83

Niebuhr, Reinhold, 51, 52

Nin, Anaïs, 117

nonverbal communication, 174

Oakland, Susan, 185

opposites, as creativity tool, 230–34

optimism, 4, 27–47, 98, 151, 291

   arguing with yourself and, 39–47

   attentive, 27–47

   avoiding ruts, 45

   benefits of, 29–32

   best kind of, 32–33

   diagnostic for, 33–38

   difference between pessimism and, 28–33

   exercises, 46–47

   unrealistic, 36–37

Ostell, Alistair, 185

other people’s perspectives, 20

passion, 152

past, reflecting on, 17

patience, 98, 291

Pauling, Linus, 225

PepsiCo, 3

performance, and stress, 255–60,
256–60

persecutor, 205–10

perspectives, shifting, 226

persuasion, 133–78

   charisma and, 151–62

   feedback and, 163–78

   influence and, 135–49

pessimism, 2, 28–29, 95

   arguing with yourself and, 39–47

   avoiding ruts, 45

   benefits of, 38

   diagnostic for, 33–38

   difference between optimism and, 28–33

   realism and, 31–32, 37–38

Peterson, Christopher, 96

poisonous statements.
See
argument poisons

politics, 56, 157

   speeches, 137, 160

   stories, 157, 158

positive bids, 105, 106, 107–9

praise, 164–69, 173–78

   amount of, 164–65

   congratulate, 169

   context of, 168

   counsel and, 174

   five-star, 167–69

   hearing, 97

   impact and identity, 168

   keeping it up, 175

   power of, 166–67

   predictable, 176

   reasons for withholding, 165, 169

   right moment for, 166

   specificity of, 168

   subtle, 173–74

preparing, 61,
62
, 62–67,
64–66

pressure, 14–15

proactive vs. reactive mindset, 52–58

problem, knowing the, 218–19

problem solving, 17, 224, 244

process, 21–22

procrastination, 73–85

   action illusion and, 79–80

   complacency and, 74–75

   discomfort and, 76

   emotional barriers and, 78–79

   ending, 73–85

   excuses and, 80–81

   exercises, 84–85

   fear of failure and, 77–78

   nutshell, 83

   tactics for ending, 81–83

productivity, 31

professionals, 121, 122–24, 126

   spotting, 126

punishment, creative, 83

purpose, sense of, 224

quantity, 225

questions:

   asking, 138–39, 146, 147, 276–77, 279

   elicitation, 156–57

reactive vs. proactive mind, 52–58

real estate, 52–54

realism, 31–32, 45, 65,
65
, 67, 98, 221–22

real world, living in the, 221–22

reasoning, 136–37, 145, 146

recurrent conflicts, 204–5

reflection time, 20–21

reframing the situation, 273, 278

rejecting, 189–91

relationships, 1, 2, 4, 5, 73, 87–131

   adapters, 121–24, 126–27

   against bids, 105, 106, 109–11

   bids for attention, 103–15

   carers, 119–20, 122–24, 125

   charisma and, 151–62

   childhood and, 89–90

   conflict and, 179–213

   detoxification of, 181–94

   drivers, 120, 122–24, 125–26

   exercises, 100–101

   feedback and, 163–78

   game playing and, 205–12

   getting the best from people, 117–31

   getting in the right mind-set, 89–101

   I’m not okay, you’re not okay mind-set, 92, 94–95

   I’m not okay, you’re okay mind-set,
92
, 94, 99

   I’m okay, you’re not okay mind-set,
92
, 93–94

   I’m okay, you’re okay mind-set,
92
, 93, 99–100

   I’m okay mind-set, 92,
92
, 93, 95–101

   influence, 135–49

   motivation and, 117–31

   perceptions of, 89–101

   principles of dialogue, 196–201

   professionals, 121, 122–24, 126

   taking drama out of, 203–13

   toward bids, 105, 106, 107–9

   turning-away bids, 105, 106, 111–13

   understanding your mind-set, 90–95

   when they don’t want you to change, 99

relaxation, 21, 247, 248, 283–97

   breathing, 283–87

   visualization, 287–96

relaxed zone, 260–61, 266

remember when, 156–57

rephrasing the problem, 226

reported observation, 111

rescuer, 205–10

respect, 5

rewards, 82

risks, 59–61

   management, 61–62

Romans, 66

Rotter, Julian, 54

Rubicon, crossing your, 66–70

rules, 60–61

sandwich, feedback, 174

Sartre, Jean-Paul, 60

scope, 28, 29

scramble, and free association, 239–40

Seligman, Martin, 31

Selye, Hans, 256–57, 261

sense, making, 17–18

senses:

   free association and, 238–40

   visualization and, 290

sex, 30, 106

Shakespeare, William, 137

shopping, 118–19

siblings, 105–6, 175

sight, and free association, 239

silence, 111–12

silent allies, using, 142–43, 146

single view, 14

Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon, 236

smell, and free association, 240

social media, 1

solutions, 96

   focus on, 96

   knowing the, 220–21

sound, and free association, 238–39

special location, 247, 248

Spill Zone, 262–63, 266

sports, 16, 18–19, 31, 32, 296