Miles From Kara (13 page)

I arrived back at the apartment to find Olivia and Preston bundled up on the sofa, watching a movie.

“Hey, Kar,” Preston said. “You okay?”

I stared pointedly at Olivia. “You didn't tell me your therapist was insane.”

“Um, I think that's exactly what I said, actually. Rose is fantastic, but she's definitely unconventional in a lot of ways. What, is she having you sit in on a chat with the ghost sisters or something?” Olivia laughed, but her smile slipped away as she caught sight of my face. “Oh my God, have you been crying? Do I need to call her? What did she say to you?”

I shook my head. “No. Nothing. It's fine. She just has pretty strong opinions is all.”

Preston sat up. “Do you need me to do something, Kar?”

I smiled, glad to see my best friend in his expression. The concern that always appeared whenever I was sad. I missed Preston, but I didn't want him anywhere near this problem. I could see his face now.
Yeah, you remember my abortion? Well, I've grown attached to a girl who's having a baby, because, you know, apparently I regret that we didn't have ours.
A shudder moved down my back. “Nah, I'm good. Really. I just need a shower.”

I closed the door to my room and slumped against it. Great, now I was shutting my friends out, too. But how could I talk to them about this? I couldn't.

I clicked over to Colt's name and typed out:
R U around?

Colt:
Still at work. Want to get together later?

Me:
Definitely. Your place ok?

Colt:
Leaving now.

I grinned, Colt's face on my mind as I slipped in the shower.

***

I walked up the steps to Colt's apartment, and rounded the stairwell just as he was closing the door.

“Oh, hey, I thought we were—”

His lips quirked up. “You're cute, do you know that?” He walked over and took my hands in his, then kissed my lips easily. “I thought we could go to a movie. What do you think?”

“A movie?” I grinned. It'd been a long time since I'd been to a movie. “What movie?”

He nodded toward the steps. “I chose three I thought you would like, all of which had showtimes around the same time.” He passed me a Post-it note with movie names and showtimes beside it. “I just thought you could use a distraction tonight.”

I leaned over and kissed him again. “You know, you're quickly becoming my favorite person.”

“Ah, see, that's been my plan all along. Conquer the favorite person position. I supposed I was up against Olivia or Preston. Glad I'm winning the race for first.”

I laughed. “Yeah, well, lately Olivia and Preston are the same person, so you're definitely surpassing them.”

He opened the passenger side door to his 4Runner and waited for me to enter. “Thanks,” I said, smiling. “Most guys don't hold car doors anymore. Are you sure you're real?”

He grinned back. “Product of being raised by a woman without a man around. But back to Olivia and Preston, are they being distant or something?”

I considered the question. “No. Not distant. Just different. Though I'm starting to wonder if I'm the different one. I just feel like I can't really open up to either of them like I used to. Like if I say something, it's immediately going to the other, which shouldn't matter. They're my best friends. But ever since they've been together, it's just changed things a bit. It's stupid. Let's talk about something else. Tell me about your day.”

Colt began to talk about a new project his firm was working on. He wasn't allowed to actually draw plans for the project, but the owners allowed him to sit in on the meetings.

“So, you're drawing your vision for the project on the side?”

He nodded. “Yeah, I can see what the architect assigned to the project is doing, and it's great, but not at all the vision I had when I sat in with the customer.”

“Do you plan to show them your plans?”

He laughed. “Definitely not. Their drawings are always going to be cleaner and drawn faster than mine.”

“Do they use a computer program or something?”

He nodded. “Yeah. AutoCad, typically. I have it and use it, but it doesn't feel the same to me. There's something amazing about laboring over a drawing. I lose myself in it. There's nothing like it. I've tried to get equally excited over a computerized drawing, but that same passion never finds me.

“I can see that.”

He turned to me. “Really? Most people in my program think I'm insane. It takes me twice as long to do the work.”

“It's not worth as much, though. When you've spent time on every single detail, I'm sure it becomes a part of you.”

His eyes swept over to mine. “It does. I love how you understand that. How you understand me.”

I smiled. “You're easy to understand.”

We fell into silence for a moment, that undeniable chemistry sparking between us again. My heartbeat changing rhythm with just one look.

The movie theater came into view and he turned off the ignition. “So . . . what was your choice?” I pointed to the paper and he smiled. “Action over romance?”

I shrugged. “I don't like to see romantic movies with guys around. Y'all roll your eyes and make sarcastic sounds, even if you don't mean to. We can
feel
it. We know what you're thinking.”

He laughed. “Is that right? And what if we're enjoying the movie? What then?” He reached over and tucked my hair behind my ear, the strands still wavy because I had let them dry naturally. My breath caught, that single touch enough to cause my brain to short-circuit. I drew a breath and released. “Fine, then, Mr. Romance. We'll try the chick flick and see.”

He shrugged. “Your choice. But no making fun of my tears.”

I was still laughing as we made our way into the theater and sat down, but then the lights dimmed, leaving us in the darkness. Colt adjusted closer beside me and then reached over to hold my hand against my thigh. Instantly, my mind went back to his fingers in other places, and the theater turned suddenly warm. We were in the very back row, no one around to see what we were doing. Colt laid my hand flat against my thigh and began slowly running his fingers over each of mine, then along my palm, causing me to squirm. How could his touch alone make me want him so badly? He rested his hand over mine, and then he splayed his fingers onto the inside of my thigh and gently squeezed, causing my skin to boil with the need for him to take this further. I wiggled in my seat, desperate for his hand to move up my thigh. I was to the point of gripping his hand and placing it where I wanted it, when a soft laugh had me jerking my head over.

“Are you all right over there?” he whispered, a giant grin on his face.

I crossed my arms and sulked in my seat. “Very funny,” I whispered back. “And yes, thank you very much, I'm perfect.”

His eyes cut to mine. “That you are.” His fingertips glided up the inside of my thigh to the hem of my shorts. “Every single part of you.”

My panties became even wetter, and I had to force myself to continue breathing. “You know, we could skip the movie.”

His long fingers dipped inside my shorts. “Why would we do that?”

“You're killing me,” I said, fidgeting in my seat.

He ran his fingers along the edge of my panties, making me glance around nervously, but there was no one around, no one to see what we were doing.

“So wet,” he whispered into my ear. “I wonder how you taste.”

My stomach dropped. Holy hot. I was never going to survive this movie.

He threaded his fingers into mine and lifted my hand to his lips with a smile, then placed our hands in his lap, just over his bulging erection. I wiggled my hand in his to try to touch him, but he gripped it tighter, a smile on his face. “Patience.”

I sighed and crossed my legs.

This was going to be the longest hour and fifty-five minutes of my life.

***

By the time we arrived back to his apartment, my entire body felt flushed, every nerve ending hyper aware. I had no idea what the movie was about, who was in it, or even how the thing ended. All I could think about the entire time was Colt's words—
I wonder how you taste
.

Colt unlocked his door and pushed it open to find the apartment empty, Taylor likely off with Sarah, though they had yet to admit that they were anything beyond friends.

Colt reached for my hand and led me into the apartment, stopping to slip my purse off my shoulder and drop it onto the couch, before leading me into his room.

I opened my mouth to ask what he was doing, to put up a word of feminist protest at being led around like I didn't have a mind of my own, but in that moment all I could do was follow. Hypnotized by his strut, the way he dipped his head, the embodiment of control. I'd never been more turned on in my life.

He closed the door behind us, his head still down as he faced me, his fingers steepled in front of him, his index fingers tapping to a beat I couldn't hear but wished desperately I could be a part of.

“I was thinking about the last time you were in this room,” Colt said, starting for me. I fidgeted in place. That damn walk. It would be a miracle if I made it through the evening. I was ready to go and he hadn't even touched me since the movie.

“Oh yeah?” I asked, my voice uneven.

“I wasn't quite satisfied . . .”

“Oh . . . oh, right.” I was such an idiot. I never even asked if he wanted me to take care of him. Of course he wasn't satisfied. “I can help with that,” I said, reaching for the waist to his shorts, but he gently gripped my hands, stopping me.

“That wasn't what I meant,” he said with a crooked grin.

“Oh,” I said, frowning. This wasn't going at all like I'd imagined. I started to take a step back from Colt, but he pulled my arms around him, holding me close.

“You're cute when you sulk.”

“I'm not sulking.”

“All right.” He leaned down and kissed the crook of my neck, then my bare shoulder. “I'd like to kiss you in other places now.” His eyes fixed on me.

Other places. Wow.

Colt walked me back to his bed and kissed my lips, before reaching for the hem of my shirt, then once it was off, he flicked open the button on my shorts. “I'm going to take these off now,” he said, his voice low and rough and unbelievably sexy. I nodded once, and he slowly unzipped my shorts and pushed them off my hips, so they dropped to the floor. His eyes took in my black lace panties, and I was thankful that I'd decided to change from my VS cottons to something a little sexier. I had hoped we'd end up right here, but I never imagined it quite like this.

His hands slid around to my backside. “You are so sexy. Do you even understand what you do to me?” He moved a hand up to my matching black bra and unfastened the hook, so it too dropped with my shorts to the floor. His gaze devoured me, like he was taking his time to memorize every single detail. “So sexy.” His eyes met mine. “Lie down.”

I laid back on his bed, a puppet to his commands, and peered up at him, torn between utter seduction and something else, something more than I wanted to think about in that moment. I blinked once as I stared at him, and he tilted his head, like he too felt the change.

He lowered himself over me and pressed his lips gently to mine. “I'll take care of you, if you'll let me.”

We were in the middle of two very different things—a sexual experience, but also an emotional one. It was like he was asking me to take a leap with him, to trust him. He peered down at me once more, every part of him open, ready for me, and then he was kissing his way down my neck, through my cleavage, and around my belly button. I was lost except for the feeling of his lips on me, taking me somewhere I'd never been before. The question I refused to answer was still there, echoing in the back of my mind, but for that moment, we were just there, absorbed in one another, no worries, no sadness, no fear.

Only happiness.

His tongue slid over my mound, and my back arched in response, desperate for him to do it again. “Did you like that? And what about this?” His mouth fixed over me, his tongue slipping in and out, licking and sucking, taking me deeper and deeper into his trance. “So good,” he said, and then he slipped a finger inside me and began to take full control. I screamed out, as all my restraints and inhibitions went out the window with each succulent moment. I felt myself rising higher, the intensity building, and then stars burst across my vision. I sucked in a breath, then two, trying to get my body to relax, but I was still so eager for him.

I reached up and pulled his face to mine, kissing him hard. “My turn.”

“Kara . . .”

But I was already pushing him onto his back and straddling his waist.

“Good God,” he said, peering up at me. “What are you doing?”

“I want to make you feel good.”

I unbuckled his belt and pulled off his shorts and boxers, taking in the sight of him for the first time. Wow. I gripped his length and began massaging it as I rocked against him.

“Kara . . .”

And then I leaned down and kissed the tip of him, a rough groan slipping from his mouth as he watched me take him deeper into my mouth. Our eyes locked, and I began to work faster, sucking and stroking, helping him reach his undoing. I laid down on him after and he held me close, our bodies entwined as we drifted off to sleep, every part of me—mind and body—at peace.

I couldn't stop smiling. It was as though I'd taken some drug especially for smiling and had somehow OD'd. Or like Francesca's Closet was having a half-off sale and they had everything I wanted in my size. I couldn't stop. And it was becoming obvious.

“Kara, can you enter this new patient paperwork for me,” Tori said, but then she stopped and her eyebrows rose. “Why are you all”—she waved her hand at me—“whatever this is?”

I shook my head. “No clue what you're talking about.” But I couldn't even say that without smiling. Colt. He had infected me with some amazing feeling that I couldn't turn off. Literally. I found myself dreaming about him, yet even in my dreams, I wanted more. We had spent a few more nights together since the movie, and each night made me want to take the final leap, to ask him to have sex with me, but then the doubt in my mind would speak up, and I would wonder what would happen to our amazing relationship if I became pregnant. I wasn't ready to take the chance, so I stalled, and as patient as ever, he never mentioned it. He knew my issue. I just never expected him to accept it so fully.

“Well, try not to seem too-too cheerful. The others will assume you're dipping into the treats.”

Ah, the treats. The
medicine cabinet
,
as some of the older counselors liked to call it. Basically it was where Tori kept emergency supplies of various drugs, including some homeopathic options that helped with anxiety and depression.

“Want me to take those?” I asked, motioning to the stack of paperwork in her hand. Just then the bell on the door jingled and I spun around to see Maggie waddling in. “Can I . . . ?” I nodded toward Maggie and Tori gave me a disapproving look.

“Say hello, but remember what I told you. And then you can work on this stuff for today in my office.”

“No problem. I'll be right there.”

I waited until Tori had disappeared back into the office portion of Helping Hands, before rushing off to Maggie and helping her into a chair.

“Hey!” she said when I came up. “I didn't get you in trouble, did I?”

I waved my hands. “No, not at all. I just have some paperwork I need to enter for Tori. How are you? You look like you could pop any second!”

She laughed. “It feels like I could.”

“How far are you now?”

“Thirty-three weeks.”

“Oh wow. I'm so excited to see baby Addie.”

Maggie beamed and began rubbing her stomach. “I actually have an ultrasound appointment tomorrow if you'd like to see her early.”

“An ultrasound? Is something wrong?”

“No, not really. She's just breech, so they want to do another check to see if she's turned. She's a stubborn thing. I can tell by how she kicks only in the middle of the night, when I'm trying to sleep. Then when someone puts her hand on my belly, she refuses to kick.”

I peered around to see if Tori was watching us. An ultrasound! Tiny fingers and toes. I had to see it. Besides, I would be there as moral support for Maggie.

“Sounds great. What time and where?”

“Ten-thirty. I'll text you the address.” She reached over and hugged me, then started for the door. “Thanks again, Kara. I'm so lucky I found you here.”

I smiled and waved goodbye, thrilled with how perfectly in sync my life had become, but then I turned for the door to the back offices to find Tori standing in the doorway, watching me.

I walked over to Tori. “What? Maggie's due soon. She's breech. Did you know that?”

Tori crossed her arms. “Just remember what I told you.”

“Of course.”

I spent the rest of the afternoon typing in names and symptoms and emergency contact information. But I couldn't keep myself from growing excited over the ultrasound. I knew I should have told Maggie no. This was absolutely crossing the line, but I couldn't help it. I wanted to see baby Addie for myself.

I pulled out my phone and texted Olivia.
Going to ultrasound with Maggie. Is that weird?

Olivia:
A little. But who else would go with her? I think it's sweet
.

See there. Sweet. I was just helping Maggie out. Everything would be fine.

***

I reluctantly reached for the storm door to Rose's office, knowing she would sense that I'd agreed to go to the ultrasound and would launch into all the reasons why it was a bad decision. And I knew she would be right. Like I knew on some level that Tori was right. But sometimes we didn't want to hear what was
right
, we wanted to hear
okay
.

“Kara, I'm in here,” Rose called from down the hall. I had yet to make it beyond her office and the waiting area, and somehow felt like I was delving into a relationship I wasn't ready to have with Rose by going any farther. I waited.

“Oh, if you're busy, I can just—”

“No, no,” Rose called, and I realized by the sound of her voice that she was in some closet under the stairs. Nothing under the stairs equaled pleasant. “Can you help me with these boxes?”

I sighed heavily. “Sure.”

I walked down the hallway beside the stairs and Rose's office, the old hardwood floors creaking the entire way. Olivia had mentioned that Rose thought the house was haunted, and by the sound of the floors and the creepy way the hall grew darker, I'd say Rose was onto something. I reached the end of the stairs and turned the corner to see the door propped open and Rose bent inside.

She stood up, a brown, corrugated box in hand. “Here.” She thrust the box into my hands. “I have one more, hold on.” She stacked a second on top of the first. “That should do it.” She reached inside for a third box, then shut the door with her hip and nodded for me to go on in front of her. I felt her X-ray-like gaze burrowing into me. How did people fake lie detectors? That's what I needed—that ability—because Rose was certainly a lie detector in her own right.

She closed the door to her office and walked over to her leather chair beside the sofa and set down the three boxes. Without a word, she pointed at the sofa. “Sit. Speak. You've got something written all over you. I'm afraid I'm going to catch it if you don't release it all soon.”

“I . . .” I wondered again if she and Olivia talked about me. What Rose might think of me from those conversations. I had never once mentioned Olivia in my talks with Rose. I wouldn't. Just like I would never mention her to Preston. Not that I had anything negative to say, it was just . . . weird.

“Kara? You know you can talk openly here. Without judgment.”

Yeah right. Rose was one-hundred percent judgment, even if her opinions were usually right. I drew a breath, knowing she would pull it out of me eventually, and said, “Maggie asked me to go to her ultrasound appointment tomorrow.”

“Absolutely not.”

“Well, so much for no judgment.”

Rose shook her head, reaching for her cigarette. “I do believe we need to make a compromise here. If you're going to come in with outlandish ideas, then surely I get to smoke as I listen to them?”

I rolled my eyes. “Fine.”

Rose lit the cigarette and took two puffs, before setting it in the ashtray on the table beside her chair. “Okay. Now, let's back up. Maggie, the underage teen, has asked you, a random counselor with baby issues at a center she frequents, to join her for an ultrasound, and you see no problem with this? What did Tori say?”

I chewed on my thumbnail. “I haven't actually told her.”

“Well, that's healthy. Doesn't the fact that you need to lie to do this tell you something?”

I shook my head. “But I didn't lie. I wouldn't lie. She doesn't know. That's not the same thing.”

Rose crossed her arms and put a look on her face similar to one that a mother would give a toddler who'd gotten into the toilet paper again. I'd seen the look on my aunts' faces plenty of times.

“All right. I know. But how can I not go? She has no one.”

“But she does. She has her father. Again, I ask you if that is your real motive here. And further, Kara, we need to address the abortion and the impact it is having on this situation. Have you always felt regret or is that a new thing?”

My eyes dropped to my hands in my lap. I didn't want to talk openly about the abortion right now, not when the conversation had begun with Maggie. It made me question whether Rose was right and everything with Maggie led back to that instead of my truly caring about her.

“Kara?”

“Always,” I finally answered. “I understand that abortion is the right decision for some women. I'm not anti-abortion. But I am anti-hurting a baby that was a part of me. I can't seem to get past it, and now, I see Maggie and touch her belly and feel Addie kick and I can't help thinking . . .”

“Thinking what? Kara, you were sixteen. You were in no way prepared to raise a child. Trust me, I have two of my own and a mess of grandchildren. There is nothing easy about being a parent, especially when you yourself were still a child. I respect Maggie's decision to keep her baby, but that does not mean it will be easy for her or that child. I'm a little lost here. Kara . . . do you want a child right now? Honestly?”

I shook my head. “No. No, I don't want one now. I just . . .”

She puffed on her cigarette again, her intense stare burning into me. “Do you wish you were Maggie? Do you want that burden?”

“No, I just—”

“Then what? I'm not understanding why you are becoming so engrossed in this girl's life.”

I tossed up my hands. “Because I didn't have the choice! I didn't get to see my baby on the ultrasound monitor or even listen to a freaking heartbeat. It was taken from me, and I will always want for that decision.”

“So you wouldn't have aborted your baby?”

“No.” Tears pooled in my eyes, rolling slowly down my cheeks. “I wouldn't have.”

Rose released a long breath and sat beside me, patting my knee as she passed me a tissue. “Okay. I think I understand now. You feel regret because you think you allowed it to happen. But you have to let this go. You can't bring that moment back. And I understand now why it's so important to you that Maggie has her decision. But that doesn't change the fact that yours has already been made and you must move on now.”

I closed my eyes as the words swam around my mind. Rose was right, so why couldn't I let go? How had I let this overrun my entire life? So far, I'd spent my summer becoming obsessed with my ex-boyfriend's roommate and obsessed with a pregnant teen, and now that I thought of the two together, I couldn't help realizing how linked they were. Colt saw me for me, never dwelling on my past decision. Like it had never happened. I found comfort in him, just like I found comfort in Maggie's pregnancy—the opposite of my experience. A do-over.

Suddenly, I felt overwhelmed, unsure of every decision I'd made thus far. I needed to think, without Rose's penetrating stare watching my every move.

I focused on the boxes beside her chair, desperate to change the topic before I became any more depressed. “What are those?” I asked, pointing at the boxes.

“Olivia had asked if she could look through Doris and Gertrude's old journals. You're welcome to read them as well. I think you will find Doris's especially interesting.”

“Doris and Gertrude. You mean . . . ?”

Rose sighed. “Yes, the sisters who originally owned this house.”

“The ghosts,” I asked, unable to keep from smiling.

Rose stood up and went over to lift a box. “We all have them, dear.”

***

I left Rose's with all three boxes piled up, one on the other, so I could scarcely see where I was walking. I placed them in the trunk of my car and texted Olivia that I had the goods from Rose and to meet me at the apartment for a reading party.

Olivia, Sarah, and Alyssa were waiting out front when I arrived at Charleston Haven to help me bring in the boxes. We sat them on the floor of the common room, and Olivia called for a pizza to be delivered, and then we were in a circle, the boxes in the middle.

Sarah tore into the first, labeled Gertrude, and began passing around black journals to each of us. The pages had yellowed from age and they had a distinct dusty smell to them, but the ink on the pages was as clear as if the words had been written yesterday. I read a few pages in the journal Sarah had given me, all about Gertrude's love for a man who didn't know her, didn't even know her name. I felt her pain as I read each page. I finished that journal and grabbed another, this one full of the things that annoyed her about Doris. Olivia stood and began reading one out loud, and soon we were all rolling on the floor laughing. I started to grab another Gertrude journal, but I couldn't kick the nagging in my head that Rose thought I would relate to Doris's story. What had she meant?

I grabbed the scissors from the table and tore into one of Doris's boxes, eager to learn more about her and why Rose felt we were similar. It took another hour of reading, three slices of pizza, and a ton of laughs at the antics the sisters had cooked up through their lives, before I found the journal that Rose must have been referring to. I reread the line three times, allowing it to digest.

I'm pregnant.

I quickly read all about her fears, so similar to mine, and then five pages from those two simple words came the devastating:
I've
lost the baby. How ever will I go on?

Chills moved down my back as I read her words, each more painful than the last. Pages upon pages of tears in in the form of words, all of them showing Doris's stages of dealing with her loss—anger, depression, frustration, fear. I saw myself in her, felt for her situation, just as Rose had predicted. And just as Rose predicted, I knew there was nothing at all healthy about my going to Maggie's ultrasound.

“Kara? Are you all right?”