Mike's Election Guide (3 page)

Dalik Chakloma

Chicago, IL

ANSWER:
It depends which side of his suit jacket he’s wearing it on. If it’s on the left, he’s saying that he’s pretending to be patriotic and could actually care less about America, unless there’s a no-bid contract somewhere in it for him. If the flag’s on the right lapel, it means he’s gay.

Clearly we live in an age where it’s not what you
do
that counts, it’s how you
accessorize.
When politicians wear American flag pins, it mollifies the public and sets their minds at ease knowing that these politicians don’t support Al Qaeda. Just as long as they’re wearing the American flag, they can give tax cuts to the rich, allow companies to pollute the air, and start unnecessary wars in distant lands.

I’d prefer that our elected representatives, instead of wearing flag pins on their lapels, wore little buttons that told us something truthful about themselves. Such as:

“ASK ME ABOUT ROBBING YOU BLIND!”

“I SUCK AT REPRESENTING YOU”

“I HAVE NO IDEA WHERE BASRA IS”

“I’M PACKING HALF A BRAIN”

“KISS ME IF YOU’RE A LOBBYIST”

All this nonsense over lapel pins began when Internet rumors started flying that Barack Obama was refusing to wear one. Instead of responding by instantly putting one on and making up some excuse that he’d accidentally dropped the other one down the bathroom sink, he gave this honest answer:

You know, the truth is that right after 9/11, I had a pin. Shortly after 9/11, particularly because as we’re talking about the Iraq War, that became a substitute for I think true patriotism, which is speaking out on issues that are of importance to our national security, I decided I won’t wear that pin on my chest. Instead, I’m going to try to tell the American people what I believe will make this country great, and hopefully that will be a testimony to my patriotism.

He kept the pin off his lapel for an astounding 6 months after that comment. Finally, one day after a veteran handed him a pin, he quietly put it on and has been wearing it regularly ever since.

I heard that when the National Anthem is played, Barack Obama squats and takes a dump. I probably won’t be able to vote for him if that is true.

Penny Alger

Catonsville, MD

ANSWER:
I’ve heard this rumor, too! And I’ve heard all his supporters’ lame explanations for it: “His leg had fallen asleep and he was trying to wake it up,” and “He was doing a dozen deep-knee bends to show his love of America.” Maybe it’s as simple as every time he hears “The Star Spangled Banner,” he has to go. I knew a guy who every time he heard the words “Yo quiero, Taco Bell,” it was a race to the can. And that was
before
he ate the Taco Bell.

These Obama rumors don’t just stop with the squats. I, like many of you, have also heard the following rumors about Obama:

1.
During the Pledge of Allegiance, Obama has often been seen playing with his Slinky. He used to do the whole Rubik’s Cube during the Pledge, but someone told him it made him look too smart and “elitist.” So he began occupying his time with games from his childhood. One time he got fellow America-haters Dennis Kucinich and Barbara Boxer to play Twister with him while the flag was being raised.

2.
Once, at a Fourth of July celebration, Obama stripped down to his underwear, climbed the flagpole, and screamed at the top of his lungs, “Death to America Ferrera!” (I think this rumor explains why he did so poorly with Hispanics in the primaries.)

3.
At Ronald Reagan’s funeral, Obama went up to the deceased president’s body and tried to tickle him. Secret Service quickly led him away. No charges were pressed thanks to Nancy Reagan, who offered that “Ronnie would have liked it.”

4.
On a fact-finding mission to Afghanistan, Obama mooned an entire regiment of troops. On his butt cheeks he had painted the words “Bin Laden Hiding Inside.”

5.
Asked to sing “God Bless America” at Comiskey Park, Obama instead launched into a
French
version of “Total Eclipse of the Heart.”

These are but a few of the many rumors about Barack Obama showing disdain for our flag, our country, and the lapel holes in our suit coats. With so many rumors, you just know that some of them
have
to be true. Why else would they be on the Internet?

If Obama can’t bowl, how can he govern? I’m remaining an undecided voter until I see if he can swim and play hockey.

Mike Gates

Fond du Lac, WI

ANSWER:
It
is
true that a man who can’t bowl a game of 200 or above is a man who can’t rule the world. Obama’s gutter balls were, admittedly, embarrassing. It would have been so much better for all of us had they put bumpers in the gutters like they do for the kids.

Instead, our enemies were treated to the pathetic sight of a candidate for the American presidency unable to throw a 12-pound ball down an 83-foot lane. I am told that terrorist groups immediately posted the video of that fiasco on their websites. Jeez! Didn’t Obama understand the international significance of what he was doing? Bowling is a metaphor for 21st-century world domination. The pins are the rest of the world (the African pin, the Muslim pin, the Jewish pin, the Hispanic pin, the Chinese pin, the French pin, etc.)—and the freakin’ ball is the U.S. of A.!

AND WE BOWL ONLY STRIKES!!

This is how the world is. We knock ’em down, they rise up, we knock ’em down again. There’s something about that logic Obama just doesn’t get.

Having witnessed his pitiful performance at the Pleasant Valley Recreation Center in Altoona, Pennsylvania, I began to worry about Obama’s other athletic skills. For instance, can he play hockey? That, too, is an American contact sport (don’t write me about this, Canadians—you had your chance, but your greedy hockey owners sold your teams to such snow-ravaged towns as Phoenix and Tampa, so it’s our sport now). I don’t know if I can vote for Obama until I see him lace up and slap shot his way down the ice at Joe Louis.

After proving his hockey prowess, I will also need to see if he can swim. Why? You know why! IT’S SINK OR SWIM! I don’t want “sink” leading this country. I want a master of the butterfly stroke on guard for us 24/7.

Finally, has Barack Obama ever personally rotated the tires on his car? Because that’s what separates us from the terrorists. There is not a single video of any terror cell rotating the tires on their vehicles. If Obama can’t get his car up on some cee-ment blocks, then, really, what good is he? PEOPLE! HEAR ME ON THIS ONE! I speak for that male, uneducated-but-hard-working vote everyone says Obama can’t get!

I’m Catholic but, like Obama,I have a crazy pastor. My pastor says that women—get this—should not be allowed to terminate a pregnancy! I know—crazy! But he keeps saying it, over and over. Should I quit my church, too?

Betsy Hill

Framingham, MA

ANSWER:
No. Your pastor is a man. He belongs to an institution where women are not allowed to be pastors. Women are viewed in such high esteem in the Catholic Church that your good pastor is not allowed to be in love with any of them, let alone marry one of them.

It’s not just that your pastor is against abortion. He is the representative of an institution that has this to say about birth control:

The Church has always taught the intrinsic evil of contraception, that is, of every marital act intentionally rendered unfruitful. This teaching is to be held as definitive and irreformable. Contraception is gravely opposed to marital chastity; it is contrary to the good of the transmission of life (the procreative aspect of matrimony), and to the reciprocal self-giving of the spouses (the unitive aspect of matrimony); it harms true love and denies the sovereign role of God in the transmission of human life.

—Vatican Pontifical Council for the Family, 1997

And in case you were wondering, this ban on the “evil” of contraception includes condoms, too. With the Church’s political influence throughout the world, there is no telling how many people have died as a result of their condoms-are-a-sin policy.

Surely, though, when it comes to embryonic stem cell research, the Church that Jesus founded has a compassionate position, considering how such research may lead to saving millions of lives? Think again. The United States Conference of Catholic Bishops calls the harvesting of such stem cells a “gravely immoral act.”

Of course, just because someone goes to a church, it doesn’t mean they agree with everything the pastor preaches. A Pew Research Center survey has found that the majority of Catholics believe that abortion should be
legal
in ALL OR MOST CASES. The majority of Catholics also approve of stem cell research.

As for birth control, the Conference of Catholic Bishops estimates that 96 percent of married Catholics practice some form of birth control. Whoa. Talk about not paying attention on Sunday morning!

A recent Gallup Poll found that, in addition to not listening to the pastor’s admonitions on abortion and birth control, 63 percent of all Catholics are in favor of letting their priests go out on a date, get married, and have sex (but only with a woman; unfortunately, most Catholics, according to the same poll, don’t like their priests with other men).

But why don’t we turn to the man himself—Jesus Christ, formerly of Nazareth—to see what he had to say about abortion and birth control, two practices that were common in his time:

Nothing.

That’s right. There is not one single word in the Gospels where Jesus bothers himself with abortion. Or birth control. Or whether his apostles could have a wife. Or whether his apostles had to be only men. And on and on and on.

So don’t leave your beliefs or your church behind because of what the pastor is required to preach. I’m sure if your pastor could speak from the heart, he’d agree with what I have just written. And if he wouldn’t, then he’s just making stuff up.

Hey, I have a wild pastor, too! Except mine says Jesus took seven loaves of bread and two fish—and fed 5,000 people with it. I’ve tried this at home and it doesn’t work. Should I quit my church?