Midnight Soul (72 page)

By the gods.

What had I done?

“I’ll look forward to that,” I (somewhat)
lied.

“Lovely. And I can’t let you go without
telling you that you have
such
a beautiful voice. I can’t
wait to see pictures. Noc told his father you’re effin’ gorgeous,
though he used the actual F-word, to my everlasting distress. If
you’re as pretty as your voice, you must be something. Tell Noc to
send some photos, quick as he can.”

I heard her pull in a deep breath but she did
even that fast and I got out nary a sound before she carried
on.

“Okay, must run. Again, so nice to meet you.
Take care, Frannie.”

“You do the same,” I forced out, sounding
strangled.

“Give that to me. No, give that to me. I
wanna say ’bye too.” I heard in the background. Then in my ear came
from Lud, “Take care of yourself, Frannie. And don’t worry about a
thing, I got this. ’Bye, honey.”

When Noc said he “had” things, I’d learned he
spoke truth.

I didn’t mean to cast aspersions on his
father, but I had grave fears in this instance it was not the
same.

Helpless to do anything but, I bid, “Goodbye,
Lud.”

He disconnected.

I stared at my crystal ball and watched the
digits fade away until there was nothing but a lazy billow of
smoke.

“Perhaps I don’t adore you,” I snapped at
it.

The lazy billow of smoke cleared and showed
me a picture of Kristian and Brikitta sleeping, Frantz peacefully
at rest in a cot by the side of their bed.

Blasted ball.

“All right, so I do adore you, I’m just
annoyed at you.”

The vision of my family wafted away.

I drew in breath and knew exactly what I had
to do.

This I did without delay so I wouldn’t lose
my nerve.

I phoned Noc.

For the first time I’d done this, he did not
take my call.

It went to his voicemail.

Surprised and disturbed by this, I simply
said after the tone, “Could you call me at your soonest
convenience, darling?” and disconnected.

But I feared his not picking up was another
part of his warning.

Or, worse, that he was right then speaking to
his father.

However, even if it happened through my magic
and not my machinations, I’d set something in motion and I needed
to alert him to that.

Thus I found the maintenance man and allowed
some time to pass while observing him before I called Noc
again.

He again didn’t answer.

I did not leave a message. But I did struggle
to keep the panic at bay while trying to decide whether or not to
send a text.

I decided I should do all to be open about
what had occurred so I sent a text.

It read:

Darling, I’ve had a conversation I need to
share with you. Please call me.

This went unanswered as well.

And hours later, when Noc should have picked
me up from Valentine’s as he normally did when I was not already at
his home after he was finished with work, he did not do that
either.

Which meant I knew I should have heeded his
warning.

A warning the love I felt for him dictated I
could not heed.

And as I purloined the keys to Valentine’s
car and went out to nick the actual vehicle, I knew I had to go to
him immediately.

And face the consequences.

* * * * *

Noc’s Suburban at the curb in front of his
house, it took me seven (yes, seven) tries to maneuver Valentine’s
car in a spot two houses up from his, the only spot open on his
street.

In the end, my parking efforts weren’t
exactly perfect. The back wheel was up on the pavement when I
decided the deed was well and truly done. I left it at that, simply
relieved I’d made it there in one piece, and doing my best to
ignore my dread, I got out of the car and walked to Noc’s home.

The door was barred against me, however I
didn’t knock.

I also didn’t bother to dig out my key.

Magically, I turned the lock.

And then I walked in.

I saw immediately Noc leaning against the
side of his island, an open bottle of whiskey on the counter, his
fingers wrapped around a glass.

Oddly, he appeared to be waiting for me.

I drew in breath and made him wait no
longer.

Tossing my bag to the couch as I passed, I
approached him.

When I made the very edge of the kitchen
area, I stopped because he spoke.

“How’d you get here?”

“I helped myself to Valentine’s car,” I
shared carefully.

This, I found instantly, was not careful
enough for his face grew tight.

“You drove yourself?” he asked.

“I did, my love,” I answered.

“Thought you’d spirit yourself,” he remarked
in a manner I could tell was deceptively casually.

“As you know, I’ve not learned how to do
that,” I reminded him.

“You haven’t learned how to drive a car by
yourself but you did that,” he pointed out.

“I—”

“You’re here safe now, but swear to fuck,
Franka, you do that again, shit will happen.”

I knew immediately whatever “shit” he was
referring to I did not want to happen.

I allowed that to pass and tried to begin
again.

“Noc, we need—”

He pushed from the island but moved no
further as he interrupted, “For a woman who’s made an art of being
attuned to every nuance of someone she’s meaning to play, seems
you’re not cluing in real well on how to play me.”

I suffered that blow and forced my voice to
conciliatory when I replied, “You must know I have no wish to play
you, Noc.”

“No? So you called my dad just to say
hi?”

“I didn’t mean—” I began to explain.

But Noc wanted different explanations.

“What’d you do, babe? Sneak out of our bed
when I was sleeping and copy his digits from my phone?”

“Of course not,” I whispered.

“Magic,” he stated.

I didn’t confirm.

Instead I again attempted to explain.

“It wasn’t my intention—”

“Right. Let’s be clear about that. I don’t
give a fuck what your intention was. You weren’t gettin’ what you
wanted so you called my fuckin’
dad
. A man you have not met.
A man you don’t fuckin’ know. A man you got no business talkin’ to
until the time I thought it was right to give him to you. That was
not cool and I’m thinkin’ I don’t gotta tell you that. I’m thinkin’
that’s the same in your world or mine. So I’m thinkin’ you fuckin’
know it.”

I tried to take the situation in hand.

“There are a variety of things we need to
discuss, darling.”

“No there aren’t and think I made that clear
already.”

I took a step toward him and the pain slashed
deep when his expression shared unmistakably an approach was far
from welcome.

Therefore I stopped.

But I didn’t stop myself from speaking.

“Valentine warned me that I needed to control
my emotion in regard to my magic,” I shared. “And what’s been going
on between us was weighing heavily on my mind. So as I sat beside
my crystal ball, fretting over this, your father’s number appeared
in it. I didn’t ask for it to appear. It just appeared. And I swear
to you that’s the truth.”

“So you called it.”

“I called it not knowing who I was
calling.”

“But you called it. Found out who it was and
talked to him. And Sue, I’ll fuckin’ add.”

“Yes, but Noc, once I knew who it was, I
could hardly hang up.”

“Maybe not but you could also have just said
hey, introduced yourself and not fuckin’ brought up your gig with
me and the shit you’re tryin’ to insinuate yourself into.”

I bore that blow too and endured.

“I can assert that you’ve made your feelings
clear on this subject, my darling, however I’m uncertain I’ve done
the same. There are things that are concerning me.”

“I’m gettin’ that, seein’ as you were totally
okay with bringing them up with my dad.”

I shook my head and tried to steer us
elsewhere.

“He explained to me about Judy, the
anniversary, and I understand where both of your thoughts rest on
that matter. What I don’t understand is why you didn’t feel open to
share yours with me.”

“No, what you don’t understand is that I
didn’t fuckin’
want
to share that shit with you.”

“I do understand that, Noc,” I said quietly.
“I just don’t understand why.”

“You don’t wanna know why.”

“I do.”

“No, Franka, you don’t.”

I took another step toward him, stopped and
stressed, “I want everything from you.”

His words were implacable when he replied,
“Trust me, you don’t.”

“Please Noc.”

“Let it go.”

I shook my head, took another step and
stopped. “I can’t.”

“You can. You won’t.”

“I see your pain,” I whispered.

“Yeah?” he asked, his voice actually
snide.

My Noctorno.

Snide
.

Regardless of the shock it caused he even had
that in him, I persisted.

“You helped me through mine, my love, I want
to guide you from yours.”

At that, but a brief moment elapsed before he
burst into laughter.

Laughter that held no mirth.

My body locked at the foulness of the sound
and the odious feelings it made me feel.

When he stopped, my words dripped the ache I
felt inside as I remarked, “You don’t think I can do it. You did it
for me, but you don’t think I have it in me to do it for you.”

I knew just how far he’d drifted from me when
he had no reaction to the torment in my words, replying
unemotionally, “I see you want that Franka and part of me digs that
from you. What I do
not
dig is that you won’t fuckin’ listen
when I tell you this is somewhere you can’t go.”

“So you can force me to see my golden soul
but you wish me to allow you to live in midnight?” I pushed.

At that, with a sudden violence that was so
startling my entire body jumped, and I had to fight cowering when
he took his glass and threw it across the kitchen where it crashed
against the cupboards on the opposite wall, the glass shattering,
the whiskey splattering.

And then came the thunder, the force of it
making me wince.

“
They took me from her dead body
,” Noc
roared.

I stood utterly still.

“She was dead before I took my first fuckin’
breath,” he declared.

Oh gods.

Gods
.

He was talking about his mother.

“Darling,” I breathed.

“I was born in midnight and it was in the
middle of the fuckin’ day I made it into the world,” he bit out.
“You think you can take that from me?”

“Noc,” I whispered, edging toward him.

I stopped when he declared, “She never held
me. She was dead before I was alive. Dead to give me life. I’m no
doctor. I don’t know the research. I don’t know what infants can
feel. All I know is, I was a baby and I knew he loved her. Fuck,
Franka, my dad loved her so fuckin’ much, it tells me the man he
was that he had the courage to give it another go,
three
times
, because with what I felt from the minute I was born I
wouldn’t think the man had that in him, that’s how much he loved
her. That’s what I felt. I also felt just what he felt that he lost
her. From my first breath, I felt his loss and I felt his love for
me and that’s
all
I felt. And then that loss happened again.
And then it fucking happened
again
. And I had to fucking
watch
.”

“My love—”

“You think you can take that from me?” he
clipped.

“I—”

“There are no heroes, Franka.”

I closed my mouth.

“I know that,” he declared. “I learned that.
Killed my own fuckin’ mother bein’ born and I prayed to God every
damned night Judy was sick, askin’ him to let her win. Begging for
that shit. She fought so fuckin’ hard, she deserved it. But it was
more. The woman she was, there’s no reason I could get why she’d be
forced to take that pain. Why a woman like her would be taken away
from us. I didn’t understand what we’d done to deserve that because
she sure as fuck didn’t do shit to deserve it. But she didn’t win.
And we had to watch. We had to watch her waste away. We had to see
her pain. And there was not one fuckin’ thing any of us could do
about it.”

He gave me that, shredding me with it.

And then he blasted me with, “You know what
makes a hero, babe?”

Slowly, I shook my head.

“What makes a hero is the one that’s left
standing when the others are dead. Or the one that gave his life so
the others could live. That’s a fuckin’ hero.”

Cautiously, I said, “There are other
definitions, Noc.”

“Those are the ones that matter.”

I couldn’t argue that.

“My mother was a hero,” he declared.

Gods, he was killing me.

“My love,” I whispered.

“The way she fought to stay with us, Judy was
a hero too.”

Standing in front of him whole, I still felt
like I was bleeding.

“That being a hero, Franka, who would want to
be a fuckin’ hero?” he demanded.

“You were a wee babe when you were born,
darling. You couldn’t have saved your mother.”

His head twitched in disgust. “You think that
makes it easier?”

I persevered. “And you were still but a boy
even if that boy was growing to a man, and certain illnesses can
bring low the greatest of warriors, as evidenced through your
Judy.”

“And you think that makes
that
easier?”

“What I think is you hold guilt for things
that were beyond your control.”

“No shit?” he asked sarcastically. “Became a
cop because I wanted to save the world seein’ as I couldn’t save my
mom. I couldn’t save Judy. Fuck, I actually helped save a goddamned
world. It didn’t help. I could lift a gun and shoot that fuckin’
bitch of a witch and help save countless lives. But I was totally
helpless, in Judy’s case forced to sit back and actually watch,
completely unable to do fuck all to save either one of them.”