Midnight Ballerina (43 page)

I HEARD MURMURING around me before I even opened my eyes, and felt someone’s hand covering mine again. I peeled my eyes open slowly and expected to see Amelia, but instead I saw Miller, so I closed them once again, figuring that I was having some messed up dream due to the medicine that I was on. I popped one open, only to see him still sitting there. He moved to pull his hand away from mine, but I pulled back, not wanting to let it go just yet. If this was a dream, I was going to take advantage of it.

He had a light scruff covering his chiseled jaw and his brown eyes looked down at me with worry. I couldn’t remember if today was Saturday, but I thought it was, and still, he was in the clothes he normally wore to the office—a white button up shirt with the top two buttons undone, and rolled at the sleeves. I saw his suit coat laying on a nearby chair, so I was guessing he’d been here for a while. If he really was here.

He stroked my wrist with his thumb, his eyebrows knitted together as he stared down at me. “How are you feeling?”

That made me believe it was real, so I yanked my hand out of his, missing the feeling, but I didn’t know what in the hell was going on and Miller’s touch tended to make me not be able to think. Right now, I needed my head on as straight as it could get. Judging by where I was currently lying, that was sort of difficult.

I ignored his question because I couldn’t really explain how I was feeling, confused would probably be a good word for it. “What are you doing here?”

His forehead creased as he pressed a hand to his temple and scooted his chair closer to my bed. He didn’t try to take my hand in his again, which was probably a good thing because I’m not sure how I would’ve reacted. He’d hurt me beyond belief, ripping my heart into a million pieces and they felt like they would never go back together

“I was looking for you
,
I wanted to come find you and talk about everything. I’ve been an asshole. I know you were just trying to protect me so I wouldn’t get hurt again.”

“Yup,” I agreed. “You’ve been a complete asshole and that’s not really easy for me to forget. I know I probably stepped over a line, but I just didn’t want to see you get hurt.”

“I know, and I don’t know why I didn’t realize that at the time. I overreacted and I see that now. I never packed up your stuff, Monroe. I didn’t want you to move out. I don’t want things to end between us.”

“You didn’t?” I whispered and he shook his head, gulping thickly.

“My ma did. I had no idea.”

“Oh, Miller.” I scooped up his hand to squeeze it. More than anything, my heart hurt for Miller and what his mom had done, not to me or how it damaged our relationship, but the simple fact that she could do that to her own son when anyone could see that he was happy, and how we felt about each other.

“I wanted to find you so I could explain what happened and then Tanner got a hold of Amelia for me and she said you were in the hospital. I’ve never been so scared in my life, Monroe. I had no clue what happened and I knew I couldn’t lose you. Can you forgive me for acting like a complete idiot?”

“I don’t know, Miller.” I closed my eyes, all of my energy having been drained out of me once again. “I don’t know if I can go through that. What if your mom leaves and everything goes back to normal for us, and then she shows up a few years later. Are you going to treat me like that again? I know what she did by packing up my things wasn’t your fault, but the way you made me leave really hurt.”

He sighed, scrubbing a hand over his face before moving to rest it right next to mine, just an inch closer and his hand would be in mine again but I wasn’t sure if I wanted it there or not.

“It won’t happen again, Monroe. I know what my ma does to me and I’m not saying I’ll be able to completely shut her out of my life, but I’m not going to let her get close again. I didn’t realize how painful it would be not to have you in my life and I’m guessing it hasn’t been too easy for you either.”

“Nope, not all,” I whispered.

“I can’t promise that I’m going to be able to change overnight, Monroe, but I can promise you that I’ll work on it. Do you think we can give things another try?”

“I don’t know, Miller.” I turned to look away because I could see how crushed he was by my answer. I wanted nothing more than Miller to be in my life, but I was confused. My head and heart were a mess, so I needed to think things through before jumping right back into a relationship with him. “I need some time to think.”

“All right,” he answered quietly, standing up and hesitantly bending down, pressing a kiss to my forehead and that gentle, simple touch sent a shiver through my whole body, making me want to grab onto him and never let go. He pushed my hair behind my ear before leaning in, his lips brushing gently against it as he spoke. “I love you,” he whispered hoarsely.

It was a good thing I was laying down because if not, I probably would’ve passed out when those words fell from his lips. I didn’t think hearing them would affect me so much, since the little ways that he had shown me his love were so special, but there was just something about him actually saying them that shot straight to my heart and tugged the hell out of it. I knew how hard it was for him and that it had taken a lot out of him to be able to say that.

He pulled away, quietly saying, “Bye,” but I latched onto his arm to stop him.

“I love you, too.”

It was true, I did, I had never stopped even after everything. His eyes lit up and I wanted to tell him to stay so bad, but I couldn’t, and sadly, I watched him walk away.

AS SOON AS I got home, I went to find my ma. Monroe not being able to forgive me right away, crushed me, but I understood. I was still beating myself up for how I had talked to her when all she was trying to do was protect me.

“Oh, hey, Miller. I didn’t think you were coming home.” My ma looked up from where she was stuffing clothes into her bag, standing at the foot of the bed in the spare room she had been staying in.

“Going somewhere?” I asked, leaning against the doorframe. I don’t know why I asked. I already knew the answer. I knew it would happen sooner or later once I handed her a check on Thursday.

Monroe had been right, she asked for money just like she expected her to. My ma wasn’t going to change, no matter how hard I tried or how much money I gave her.

“Well, yeah. I need to get back and pay the money I owe. Thanks for that again, by the way. I don’t know what I would do without you.”

“Yeah,” I scratched the back of my head. “Don’t plan on coming back, though.”

“What do you mean, Miller?” She stopped packing, and turned to look at me. “I know I don’t visit as often as I should, but I miss seeing my son.”

I hated to say the words, but I knew it was the truth and I don’t know why it took me so long to understand it.

“I’m not your son. Mamaw is more of a mom to me than you’ve ever been and will ever be, so stop coming back. Just stay away, so I don’t have to deal with you showing up unannounced anymore and the drama that you bring along with you. I can’t believe you packed Monroe’s stuff up, trying to sabotage something so good in my life. Don’t you think I deserve some happiness? Or do you want me to be just as messed up as you?”

“Miller.” She pressed a hand to her mouth. “I was just trying to protect you. I can tell that girl is after you for your—” She stopped, probably feeling like an idiot because she had a check sitting in her pocket signed by me. I knew Monroe wasn’t with me for the money, but I couldn’t care less what my ma thought.

“You can get out now.”

“You don’t mean that. I know I haven’t been there for you, but I tried the best I knew how. You’re back with her, aren’t you?”

“No.” I shook my head. “And I don’t know if I ever will be because I chose to stick up for you when she was only trying to make sure I didn’t get hurt. I was just too stupid to realize it at the time. So, good luck and please, don’t come back again.”

I left her standing there, her mouth gaping open, unshed tears glistening in her eyes, but I couldn’t find the need to care. I was done with my ma and all of the bullshit she brought along with her whenever she showed up.

And then I headed straight back to where I really belonged, whether she wanted me or not.

“ROE, ARE YOU okay?” Amelia’s hand was on my shoulder, shaking me slightly, and I felt myself relax, as I peeled my eyes open and saw her hovering over with me with a concerned look.

“Um…I think so, just a bad dream.” I sat up straighter, not wanting to let myself go back to sleep right now in fear of having another one. I couldn’t remember all the details, but Miller was in it and his mom, the hatred she had for me evident in her eyes.

“Listen, Miller’s here, he’s been out in the waiting room all night. Do you think you want to see him?”

“I don’t know,” I pushed my head back onto the pillow, groaning. Seeing Miller right now was exactly what I needed, he would be able to comfort me like no one else could, but that would also make me weak. I was a big girl, I could handle things on my own. But, right now, I was just going to give in to my weakness because I needed Miller. “Will you have him come in?”

Miller was there within a few minutes of me telling Amelia that I was okay with it, and instantly, I felt better.

“Hey,” he said quietly and I motioned him over to my bedside, grabbing up his hand and all felt right with the world. The smile that he gave me was blinding.

“Listen, I know you have some issues to work out, I get that, but what went down can’t ever happen again. Things got out of hand. We both said things I’m sure we could take back.” He nodded his head, dropping his eyes down to the floor and I could see that it was true for him too.

“Monroe, I didn’t know that something was missing in my life until I met you and then I had you and all was right. Shutting you out sent everything spinning out of control. I promise that will never happen again.”

“All right,” I whispered and he brushed his thumb across my cheek.

“So does that mean you forgive me?”

“Well, we can only go forward, so let’s start from here and see how things go.”