Middle of Knight (39 page)

He smiled and followed her to the balcony with Jones right behind them. After a solid year of unofficial therapy three days a week, she requested her “sentence” be reduced. Luke said two days a week, she countered one … so of course it ended up being one. Therapy Thursday.

“I think I’m ready to talk about the sex and blood.”

“Oh?”

Of course most of their sessions had evolved around one or the other, but Luke needed more from her. He needed the missing pieces.

One: Why did she have such a controlling attitude about sex?

Two: What made a vegetarian feel empowered by the taste of blood?

She had seemed as perplexed as him by those questions for a long time. Luke believed her because he loved her and trusted her. Dr. Jones, with his unbiased mental clarity, held a bit more skepticism. Jessica hid something or suppressed it so deep as to try and convince herself it hadn’t happened.

“So last night one of the students in my self-defense class pulled me aside after class to talk. Her boyfriend raped her, but it took her a long time to shed the guilt and acknowledge that it was, in fact, rape.”

“Because he was her boyfriend?”

“No, because he made her orgasm.”

Luke nodded, feeling uneasy about the direction of the conversation. Jessica had a way of disclosing her past with something that had recently triggered a memory.

“I know how she felt.”

Luke tried to keep his voice even as he spoke through clenched teeth. “You were raped?”

Jessica stared at her wine and shrugged. “I’m not sure.”

The reaction that stayed lodged in his throat was one of disbelief. How could she not be sure?

“It was three weeks after Claire died.”

“Wait, you told me you lost your virginity when you were nineteen with the guy from the jazz club. You were seventeen when Claire died.”

“Yes. I told you Pete claimed my hymen.”

He set his wine down to prevent his death-hold from shattering the glass.

“One of the men who trained me took it upon himself to make sure I hadn’t ‘lost my edge’ after Claire died. For the purpose of this story I’ll call him Mick. Anyway, I didn’t want to get out of bed or eat, let alone train for days afterward. All I wanted to do was plan Four’s death. It consumed me. So my father sent me with Mick to a remote location, one of their training facilities that wasn’t being used.

He pushed me hard for days. There wasn’t a part of my body that didn’t hurt. I could barely eat my face was so busted up, and one of my eyes had completely swelled shut. At first I didn’t fight back. It felt like a punishment for being so stupid to go with Claire in the first place. But Mick taunted me … he wanted me to make him bleed, and all I could think about was what a cathartic release it was for Four when he cut Claire. So I fought back and I made him bleed.”

Luke cleared his throat, praying to God that Dr. Jones would take over because the thought of Jessica’s father sending her off with some guy to get beat up, less than a month after her best friend was murdered, filled him with rage.

“How did that make you feel?”

She leaned her head against the back of the chair and closed her eyes. “Alive. It made me feel like a survivor.”

He let the silence settle over them, knowing she would soon confess something that would gut him. Just the feeling alone made it hard to breathe.

“He asked me if Four raped Claire, which was weird because I thought surely my dad had given him all the details. When I told him no, he asked me if I thought I had what it took to keep from being raped.”

Bile eased up Luke’s throat.

“I said yes. Then he asked if I wanted to bet on it.” Jessica shook her head. “I hated him so much. Mick always treated me like I was too young, weak, and naive. So I thought, fuck him, because I wasn’t the only one who looked like shit. His face had caught my fists, elbows, knees, and feet on more than one occasion. I could hold my own.

Anyway, he bet me that I wouldn’t be able to fight him off if he tried to fuck me. He didn’t say rape, but it was implied. I asked what I got if I won. He said he’d take me back home instead of finishing our last few days of ‘training,’ because I would have proven myself to him.”

“What was in it for him?” Luke asked.

Jessica locked her gaze to his. “He got to fuck me.”

He drew in a slow breath.

“After I agreed, he said there was just one stipulation … he wasn’t going to tell me when it would happen. That night I stayed up until three o’clock in the morning, standing guard over my virginity. He slept six feet away in a sleeping bag on the concrete floor. Eventually, I let go … I just couldn’t hold on any longer. I awoke to a tapping on my foot. He stood over me, completely naked. It was the first time I’d ever seen a grown man naked. I couldn’t move … I could barely breathe as he just stood there stroking himself. I’d been expecting him to come after me—clothed with wild eyes. But that wasn’t his game. He had a point to prove and it was that I was, in fact, young, weak, and naive. He asked if I was a virgin. I nodded. Then he said, “Run, bitch.”

“Jess … you don’t have to tell me—”

“I do.” She gave him a sad smile. “It’s time.”

Luke nodded.

“So I ran, or at least I tried. He grabbed my ankle, and I fell face-first onto the concrete. It bloodied my nose and busted open one of the cuts on my lip. He pressed his naked body to my back then reached between us to shove down my pants.”

Luke watched her stare into the sunset, but not a single tear formed in her eyes. She looked drained of all emotion.

“I was scared. I thought about my time waiting for Trigger to return and kill me, but not even then was I as scared as I was when Mick’s cock pressed to my ass. I got it … I really did. It’s a different type of fear, and looking back perhaps I can understand a little why Claire’s parents were so relieved that she hadn’t been raped. It meant she didn’t have
that
fear. It’s paralyzing, especially for someone who hadn’t
ever
experienced sex. As if the fear of the unknown mixed with the sheer weight of his body on mine wasn’t enough, he slid his finger over my clit. As he rubbed me off, he asked me how it felt to be so fucking weak. I couldn’t speak, let alone scream or beg for him to stop. It was this painful fear mixed with unwanted pleasure as I climaxed from his touch.”

She took several big gulps of her wine then rubbed her lips together and looked at Luke. He didn’t want her to look at him. He didn’t want her to see the look of complete horror in his eyes.

“He smeared my arousal back … all the way. Then he gave me one last out as he teased the head of his cock against my ass hole. He said, ‘tell me your friend died because you were too fucking weak to save her and this all ends right now.’”

Luke clenched the arms of the chair, willing himself to not look away.

Jessica shrugged. “But I’m my father’s daughter—stubborn to the point of my own demise. So I took a deep breath, braced myself, then I told him to go to hell.”

“Jesus, Jessica …” Luke flinched. He couldn’t help it, even though he knew how it ended.

There was no possible way to react as anyone but the man who loved her. Dr. Jones was nowhere to be found, and Luke couldn’t find any words that conveyed his … shock? Anger? Disappointment?

She continued. “I don’t think our humanity is on some switch. I think it’s more like candles on a cake. It takes a lot to blow them all out at once. I know Mick blew a few out that morning, and I think it allowed enough of my soul to stay hidden in the shadows to allow me to kill Four a few weeks later.” She scrunched her nose. “Does that sound like an accurate assessment?”

Luke didn’t have an accurate assessment. He didn’t have any assessment. “Did you tell anyone?”

“No. That’s why I could somewhat relate to my student. He’d pleasured me and I felt angry, but I also felt guilty. But for me it was more than that. I made a deal with the Devil and I lost, but we shook on it. And even when he gave me the chance to stop it, I didn’t. So to this day I’m not sure how I feel about any of it.”

“You were seventeen, Jessica. It’s not about the pleasure. It was at the very least statutory rape. Your first sexual experience was traumatic. Do you understand how much
that
itself may have affected your life?”

She shook her head. “Not really. Every part of my life has been extreme. It’s been a world away from normal, even before what happened to Claire or any of my sexual experiences. The day Jude and I were enlisted into this “nonexistent” army of sorts was the day I became someone else. Jude was never raped, and he never watched his best friend die in front of him, but he’s far from normal. He’s a dysfunctional recluse who spends his evenings trolling for quick fucks then goes home to his stupid computer. How do you explain that?”

“I don’t know enough about this “nonexistent” army, but as far as you and your brother are concerned, I think they stole your childhood innocence. I think you missed out on vital time in your teenage years. But they didn’t steal your humanity. That’s just a weak excuse for justifying immoral behavior.”

Jessica frowned. His words may have carried an edge of accusation, but he didn’t regret them.

“Come here.” He pulled her onto his lap and cradled her face. “That stubbornness that you admit to? I think it prevents you from seeing the whole picture of your past. I think you’d rather die than consider yourself a victim. All you see is the monster inside, but that monster is something
you’ve
created to protect yourself from the pain. I think that’s why you feel the need for revenge. You think it proves you’re a monster and no longer the victim.”

Tears filled her eyes. “Monsters are strong … victims are weak.”

“Oh, baby, that’s where you’re wrong. Monsters prey on others because they have no self-control … they’re the weak ones. And you’re not just a victim, Jess, you’re a survivor and there’s no one stronger than a survivor.”

With one blink of her tear-filled eyes, she released a little more of that pain that she’d been holding onto for so long.

“I did it to him too.” Her lip quivered as much as her voice.

“Did what?”

“I got my revenge and maybe…” she sniffed “…maybe you’re right. Because afterwards I didn’t feel like the victim anymore.”

Luke wiped her tears. “What did you do?”

“By ten the next morning Mick was being hauled out on a stretcher with a broken nose, two missing teeth, and a punctured lung from three fractured ribs. His biggest mistake has always been forgetting that he was only
one
of the men who trained me.”

Luke gave her a slight nod of understanding. He didn’t want to condone the behavior that he just told her was so counterproductive to her progress, but Mick deserved everything she gave him and so much more.

“What?” she asked as he continued to look at her, contemplating everything she’d just confessed.

“The blood?”

She nodded, brushing the pads of her fingers over her lips, a glassy look in her eyes. “Before they loaded Mick into the ambulance, he whispered, ‘Come here,’ through his weak breaths. I leaned down close to his face and he touched my lips with his bloodied finger. ‘Taste that?’ he asked. I slid the tip of my tongue over my bottom lip. ‘That’s power, sweetheart. And that power will keep you alive.’”

Knight

“D
r. Jones?”

Luke jerked from the strong ammonia infiltrating his nose.

“Welcome back.”

It took a moment to adjust to the light as everything came back into focus. He began to move his hand to rub the back of his head that pulsed with pain, but metal gripped his wrists. Then an aching burn flared along his shoulders, and he realized his hands were cuffed behind the chair.

“I see the connection now between you and Ms. Day. You’re both stubborn, impulsive, and have little regard for your well-being. It’s touching really.” Knox grinned from across the table, with the steam from a fresh cup of coffee spiraling into the air.

“You raped her.”

Knox’s smile faded. He motioned with his head and the three other men standing guard in the room exited.

“You’re an educated man, Dr. Jones. I’m sure had you taken the time to remove your dick from the equation, you would have come to the only conclusion there is: Jessica Day is certifiably insane. She should have been committed. But you wanted to keep her as your little pet instead. You thought as long as you had her on a leash she wouldn’t be a threat to anyone.”

Knox took a sip of his coffee then stood, pacing the room. “What do you know about her training and what we do here?”

“I know you take innocent children and train them to be killers.”

“Killers?” Knox laughed. “Is that what Ms. Day told you? Or is that your own assessment? Because the whole purpose of what we do is to prevent innocent people from being killed. That’s why you’re no longer with your beloved. The day her parents were murdered, her name moved to the top of a list. Do you know what list that was?”

Luke glared at him.

“It was the Next List. As in, she was next on the list to be killed. That’s where we came in to
save her life
.”

“Witness Protection?”

Knox smirked. “Sort of … but more efficient. Members of our group don’t have to jump through hoops and pray that a bullet doesn’t land in their head before they reach the end. We protect our own at all cost, no questions asked.”

“Who killed her parents?”

“Someone who realized her father was not who he claimed to be. People in the drug trafficking business tend to be a little unforgiving when they find out an undercover DEA agent has infiltrated their circle.”

“If her parents were dead, why would they come after her?”

“Now you’re asking me to think like a drug lord.” Knox shrugged, lighting up a cigar. “I suppose it’s like going to a buffet. Some people keep eating until they’re full, others keep going until they feel they’ve gotten their money’s worth. These kingpins always get their money’s worth, and they have ferocious appetites.”

Luke grimaced as he tried to roll his shoulders.