Michael's Secrets (25 page)

At the end of July, Sam arrived back in California and called and apologized for not contacting Michael sooner as his cell phone would not work in Argentina, but Michael told him that was all right as he received regular updates on his career from Sid. He wanted to see Michael, so he told Sam to come over that Saturday night, and they would go out to dinner.

Saturday arrived, and Michael was so involved with the pilot and constantly on the phone with Mark and Peggy that he lost track of time and realized Sam would be over in about twenty minutes. He hung up the phone and quickly got undressed to take a shower, when there was a knock on the door. He threw on some shorts and went to the door peeking through the window. It was Sam, and he was early. Michael opened the door, and Sam walked in wearing jeans and a red dress shirt, looking better than the last time he saw him. Sam hugged him tightly, remaining around him for some time as Michael hugged him back. He then stepped back to look at Michael, and he realized that was the first time Sam had seen him with his shirt off. They had made out before but never had sex.

“Damn, Michael, how much weight did you lose, you look so fucking hot!” Sam said, whistling as he stood there embarrassed. “Turn around for me, let me see it all.” He turned around, and Sam grabbed his butt and squeezed it and said, “Are you sure you are ten years older than I? You look yummy!”

“Thanks, Sam, you look pretty damn delicious yourself,” Michael said, “How did you find time to work out on a movie set? Listen, I lost all track of time. I’m going to hop into the shower, and I’ll be ready in five minutes, promise. Make yourself at home. There are sodas in the fridge.”

Michael went into the bathroom, took off his shorts, turned on the shower and stepped in. As he lathered up, Sam asked him, “So, are you glad to be home?” Michael realized Sam wasn’t speaking from another room in the house, but was standing in the bathroom while he showered. He didn’t care, and to be honest, he was glad Sam was so close.

“God yes. Washington had way too much drama for me, more drama than Hollywood. I don’t ever want to go back there again. I’ll tell you about it over dinner,” he answered.

“Good, because I want you here with me,” Sam said, as he opened the shower door and stepped in.

“What are you doing?” he asked as Sam stepped closer to Michael and grabbed the bar of soap from Michael’s hand.

“Something I have wanted to do since the moment you put your hand on mine to show me how to shift your gears,” Sam said as he ran the soap down Michael’s torso and proceeded to touch him as he had not been touched in several months. “MMM, how many speeds does this gear shift have,” Sam said as he stroked Michael, who laughed at his corny humor.

He grabbed Sam, who was equally excited and said, “I hope as many gears as you have.”

Sam leaned in to kiss Michael, and they made out in the steam. They meshed perfectly together, and Michael felt so comfortable in Sam’s arms. They continued to stroke each other, never parting lips, and within minutes, they both came.

Afterward, they decided not to go out to dinner and ordered Chinese take-out instead – with chopsticks.

That entire evening Michael wondered if he could fall in love with a guy like Sam. He was a nice Jewish boy, and they would make a great couple. This is the man Michael needed to be with, but he knew that in some weird way he was still in love with Steve. However, he wanted to give Sam a chance. In the back of his mind, Michael worried that if things did not work out with Sam, they would ruin what so far was a wonderful friendship – now with benefits. He also never told Sam about Steve, and he vowed not to until the time was right.

The next Tuesday, Michael arrived at Dr. Mikowsky’s office a few minutes early and vowed to insist the doctor let him redecorate the waiting area, which was dominated by depressing tans and blacks. It had been a year since they had seen each other in person.

The door to his office opened, and the doctor motioned for Michael to come in. He sat down on the couch remembering the first time he came to see the doctor right after Florence died, on the recommendation of Dr. Sylvia Rose, and how they worked through Michael’s finishing
The Girls
as he told him the story of Hannah, Florence, Rona, Doreen, and Arlene. Although Michael liked him immediately, he didn’t want to reveal anything. He had to probe Michael to get him to open up, and it wasn’t until a couple of months into therapy that Michael began to tell him things he had told no one.

He sat down opposite Michael, settling in his leather chair and putting his legal pad on the floor, choosing not to take notes right away. “So, Michael, how are you?”

“I’m great, Dr. Mikowsky,” Michael said, truly feeling better than he had in weeks.

“You’ve lost a lot of weight.”

“Yeah, you know I didn’t eat that entire time I was involved in that weird situation with Steve, and I have decided to work to keep it off.”

“Is there anything in particular you want to talk about today?”

“I don’t know. Everything seems to be going well. I don’t think about Steve so much anymore,” Michael said with confidence.

“Have you been dating?” the doctor asked.

Michael then realized he had not told Dr. Mikowsky about Sam Jacobs. “Well, now that you ask, I have met someone. His name is Sam, and he’s an actor.”

“Where did you meet?”

“He was working as a valet at Sylvia’s birthday party, and I showed him how to drive my car, and we had dinner. He was my date for the premiere of
Birthright
, and he visited me right after my surgery. Since I returned home, we’ve seen each other once.”

“Wait a minute. You said he was an actor, then you said he was a valet,” the doctor asked obviously confused.

“Well, he was a struggling actor when I met him. He left his headshot in my car that night, so I gave it to Sid, my agent, and asked that he talk to Sam,” Michael began.

“That was nice of you, Michael, and you did say he was a valet at Sylvia’s party? Was he the cute one with the dark features?”

“You noticed him, too? I’m surprised you remember him,” Michael responded.

Dr. Mikowsky smiled. “I don’t think anyone with a pulse could forget him … It’s also nice to see you’re back to your old self, talking rapidly and jumping around from subject to subject. I just need to readjust.”

“Yeah, I feel like my old self, but better,” Michael began. “Well, I just wanted to look out for Sam. No one really ever looked out for me when I arrived in town, but I like helping people.”

“Michael, why do you look out for people? Do you want them to like you?” Dr. Mikowsky asked again.

Michael thought about this.
Did I do things for people so they will like me or because it is the right thing to do?
He really didn’t have an answer. Michael went to visit Steve in the hospital, and what Michael didn’t tell anyone was that he had the hospital ombudsman and chaplain look in on Steve to be sure he was being cared for properly, and this was a secret he vowed to keep. Michael enjoyed helping people, and maybe deep down, he hoped they appreciated it.

“I don’t know,” Michael answered. “But, I did find out something interesting when I visited Newport News last January.”

“You visited Newport News last January?”

“I didn’t tell you that?” Michel asked, surprised.

“Michael, as long as I have been your therapist, I know there are a great many things you don’t tell me.”

He didn’t want to say it out loud, but he was more like his mother than he wanted to admit. “I guess it was right before I met my real father, and it completely slipped my mind. I was in Richmond for a premiere of
Birthright
, and I decided to visit Aunt Arlene’s and Aunt Flossie’s graves, and then I visited my mother’s grave for the first time, then I went to visit Rona and Doreen ….” Michael began.

“You visited your mother’s grave for the first time?” Dr. Mikowsky said, interrupting. “How did that go?”

“Sad. It was strange standing there looking at her marker, which said ‘loving mother and wife.’ I stood on Karl Stein’s marker while I put a stone on hers,” Michael said. “But I wasn’t angry. I just wanted to know why.”

“Why what?” the doctor asked.

“Why she was the way she was. What did her mother do to her that made her that way? I wasn’t angry. I think I’m over the anger. It is a waste of energy to be that angry … and I took a piss on Karl’s grave,” Michael said.

“Michael, that’s good. You can’t change the past, only learn from it. So, you said you then visited Doreen and Rona … wait … you took a piss on Karl’s grave?”

“Yeah, and that felt great … Rona is living with Doreen while they remodel her new home. They haven’t changed a bit, but it was weird sitting there with the two remaining girls. Who would have thought some twenty years ago that they would survive all the others, including their husbands,” Michael said.

“Did you feel better after visiting them?”

“I did,” Michael said. “They told me something I never knew. The four girls, Rona, Doreen, Arlene and Florence, made a pact when I was born to look after me because they knew what my mother was like. They also told me my mother wanted an abortion.”

“And you are not angry that your mother wanted an abortion?”

“No,” Michael said. “I wasn’t even surprised. But I was touched to know that all those years I thought nobody really understood what I was going through, these four women did and tried their best to look out for me. Maybe that is why I look out for other people. Subconsciously, I must have realized they were looking out for me,” Michael continued. “They would always have me over for dinner or take me on vacations with them. Doreen even taught me how to drive, and she and Sammy gave me my first car. They even paid the insurance.”

“You never told me that.”

“I haven’t told you a lot of things,” Michael said. The doctor smiled. “So, what I really want to talk about is why I am still in love with Steve, and how I can fall in love with Sam,” Michael said, totally changing the subject.

“You are still in love with Steve?” Dr. Mikowsky asked. “I thought you didn’t think about him very much.”

“I don’t think about him as much as I used to, but every day something will trigger a memory, and then I start thinking about him. I don’t want to be in love with him. I met a great guy that I love, but I am not
in
love with him. Sam is caring, considerate, nice, thoughtful and handsome. He’s the perfect man, and he’s Jewish, too,” Michael said. “I want to spend the rest of my life with him, but I’m afraid that it wouldn’t be fair to him if I’m still in love with someone else,” Michael said as he stood up and walked over to the window.

“Why do you think you’re still in love with Steve?” Dr. Mikowsky asked, finally picking up his legal pad and taking notes. “What is it about him that you love? Do you want to spend the rest of your life with Steve?”

“No!” Michael said emphatically as he turned around and leaned on the window sill.

“You answered that question very quickly. Do you even like Steve?”

“No. As a matter of fact, I feel like Fanny Brice, who said, ‘I loved a man I never liked, and I liked a man I never loved,’” Michael said as he returned to the couch.

“But you just said you love Sam.”

“I do love Sam. I would do anything for Sam. I’m just not sure I’m
in love
with Sam,” Michael said as he crossed his legs.

“When you are around Sam, are you happy or are you miserable?” Dr. Mikowsky asked as he stopped writing and looked right at Michael.

“Now that is the best question you ever asked me,” Michael said, and the doctor smiled. “Most every moment with Steve was miserable,” he continued, “but every moment with Sam is happy. I cannot wait to see Sam, but I dread ever seeing Steve again. Whenever I see that I have a new e-mail, my heart skips a beat because I really don’t want to hear from Steve. If my cell phone rings, I pray it isn’t Steve. I haven’t heard from him since mid-May, but I still worry that he will contact me.”

“Why?”

“Because if Steve were to come back into my life, I don’t know how I would react, and I don’t want to become that idiot again who was involved with him,” Michael said. “For some reason, he pulls me in.”

“He only pulls you in, Michael, because you let him pull you in,” Dr. Mikowsky said. “You control yourself, and as much as you think others can control you, they don’t. You can’t allow others to have that kind of power. They only take advantage of you because
you
let them.”

Michael thought about this as he leaned forward and rested his chin on his clasped hands. He apologized to Steve, when Steve should have been the one to apologize to him just as he apologized to Bart when it should have been the other way around. Michael wanted to be liked, and the only way he knew how was to relinquish control.

“Does Sam control you?” Dr. Mikowsky asked. “Or do you control Sam?

“Neither,” Michael said as he leaned back again. “He has his life, and I have mine. We’re both confident that the other will be there. As a matter of fact, Sam told me he also experienced relationships where he was swallowed up.”

“How do you like being in a relationship with equal footing?”

“It’s weird because for the first time I’m happy in a relationship. Every time, and I mean every time, I was involved with someone, I was miserable. I was always wondering when he would call, did he like me. I was always walking on eggshells, trying to be perfect,” Michael said. “With Sam, I’m myself. We just totally enjoy each other’s company. He’s getting ready to leave to film a movie for a couple of months, and I’m not miserable because I know if I were to call him, he would answer his phone and be happy to hear from me.”

“Michael, that is what a healthy relationship is all about,” Dr. Mikowsky said. “This may be the first healthy relationship you’ve ever had.”

“So how do I keep from screwing it up?”

“You keep from screwing it up by not trying to be somebody else. You maintain control over yourself without controlling Sam. You stay on an equal footing. And most of all, you quit worrying and enjoy yourself,” Dr. Mikowsky said with a smile. “You’re worried that you will eventually end up miserable, so you’re not allowing yourself to truly feel for him what you truly feel.”