Mia Found (Starting Fires Book 3) (40 page)

Despite how he’d broken my heart, I couldn’t imagine a world where I didn’t love Paul. I didn’t want that world to exist. My heart knew his. It beat for him. Bled for him. And I’d hang on for dear life if I had to. I’d dig my feet in the ground. I’d hang on to my love and let it rip through me until I was shreds before I let him go.

During my grief, I tossed his words through my mind over and over.

I’m chaining you here.

You aren’t meant to stay here.

I knew the truth of those statements even if I didn’t want to believe them. If Paul hadn’t suddenly shown interest in me, what would have happened then? Would I still have stayed here this long? Maybe I’d already be halfway across the country, working, fulfilling my dream. I’d never blamed him or thought of him as a hindrance, but now, hearing those words from his mouth, I had to admit there might be some truth to them.

Maybe it wasn’t about letting him go. Maybe it wasn’t about burying that love or forgetting it entirely. Maybe I was seeing it all wrong. It felt like I was at a breakthrough. Nearly there, but my grieving heart wouldn’t let me realize it. My heart pulled me back into the pain and I let it wash over me.

That’s what I was, a ball of pain. Everyone who saw me knew it. I didn’t know how to pull myself out, but then Marlowe finally convinced me to talk to her.

“
It’s been a month,” she told me.

So that was how long it had been. It felt longer. Much longer. Years. Years had torn through me since Paul’s parting words.

“
I–I didn’t know that,” I said, my voice sounding thick. We were sitting on my couch, me fiddling with the frays of a pillow, her looking me straight in the eye.

“
It has.”

“
Is that a long time?” It didn’t feel like it. A month. One tiny, measly month. How was I supposed to be over him in a month?

“
No,” she answered, but sighed. “It’s not, but…I guess I just don’t want this to be for nothing. He broke up with you. It hurts. You hurt. Nothing is going how you’d hoped. But Mia…it’s not going to. I talked to Paul. He seemed pretty sure in this decision.”

I couldn’t help it, I cried again. “Doesn’t he love me? How could he just walk away from all of this?”

Marlowe sighed again and moved to sit closer to me. “He does love you.” She grabbed my hand, squeezing it. “He doesn’t even have to say it to me. I know he does. But honestly, Mia, he feels guilty. And maybe scared. He’s afraid that he’s ruining your life. He’s afraid that you’re going to get tired of the long distance and leave him. He’s afraid that this is all going to be another Marjorie. That you’ll realize how bad he is at relationships.”

“
But he’s not bad! He’s great. And I’m not Marjorie. I’m not looking for the things she was. I just want
him
Marlowe. And I was willing to take whatever him I could get. If it was every two months. Three months. Phone calls every few days. It didn’t matter. Because I love Paul and I want Paul. Why can’t he see that?”

“
I don’t know. Men are stupid sometimes. Well, we’re all stupid. Men. Women. It doesn’t matter. We all do stupid shit in the name of love. Paul thinks he’s helping you. Saving you from something. But he’s made up his mind. He’s not going back on this. At least not from what I can tell. So what are you going to do about it?”

I knew what I was going to do, what I
had
to do. Even if I hated everything Paul had said, I could see the wisdom in it. My fear. My neediness. All my life I’d lived in one town. Before I’d graduated I’d dreamed of moving away, starting a life somewhere new and exciting. Suddenly, Paul had come in and clouded all of that. That dream was still real. And my beautiful Paul was handing it to me.

I delved in deep. I found my strength. I’d dreamed of Oregon before. Maybe Paul was right. Maybe it was time for me to move on.

CHAPTER FIFTY-ONE

Paul

HOW LONG HAD I been staring at this wine glass?

It was still full, not a sip taken. When did I start drinking wine?

When the absence of Mia became too great,
I thought. It hadn’t been long after I’d moved, but over the last month, I’d been drinking more. A bottle a night wasn’t unusual. Staring at this full glass, I realized that my taste for it had worn.

My taste for everything had worn. The reality of what I’d done was crashing into me. I couldn’t drink it away anymore. It was there, staring me in the face. When I missed her, I couldn’t call and hear her voice. When I needed a pick me up after a long day, I couldn’t fall asleep knowing that a few states over Mia was thinking of me too—not in the way I wanted her to at least.

For a month I’d poured myself into work and then came home and poured the wine. I’d numbed myself, begged for the ache in my chest to dissipate.

I made the right choice,
I told myself, ignoring the bitter taste in my mouth. Leaving her was the only way. I couldn’t look into her sad eyes anymore and know that I was the cause of it. My stupidity. My ignorance. Her undying love for me. Me. A workaholic, poor excuse for a boyfriend. I was all the things that Marjorie said I was. I wasn’t worth Mia’s love.

It was after work and I was sitting at a table with my coworkers, Liza being one of them. Her chair sat close to mine. Too close.

Liza wasn’t my friend. She never had been my friend. She wanted me in Florida, so she pulled the necessary strings and got me here. She offered me more money than any sane person could turn down to secure me. She’d waited until I’d been here long enough and made her move. When I’d told her that I loved Mia, she’d backed off, but still threw her little comments in as often as she could.

You and Mia will never work out.

She’s probably cheating on you.

She doesn’t understand the pressure of our jobs.

She’s too young for you.

I’d suffered her eye rolls when I took Mia’s calls. I’d endured her tight lipped scowls when I mentioned Mia’s name. I knew Liza did not like Mia, or more likely that I was dating Mia. Liza was used to getting what she wanted, and I knew she wanted me. All her life things had been easy for her and I was some prize she was dead set on winning.

I hadn’t told her that Mia and I broke up, because what I’d told Mia was true. I didn’t want Liza. Ever. But someone else had told her. Garrett most likely. For over two weeks she’d been trying to find ways to get us alone. Her coy smiles and soft eyes continued to drift in my direction as the conversation around the table continued. I hadn’t spoken more than two words since I sat down and no one seemed to notice or care.

I’d taken this over Mia.

I’d chosen this stupid life over Mia.

I was selfish. The worst kind of selfish, because I didn’t even realize when I was
being
a selfish asshole. I took this job, and yes, I’d hoped Mia would come with me. When she didn’t, I deflated, but I admired her. Mia knew who she was and what she wanted out of life. She refused to use me, to let me support her. To Mia, doing that on her own was important.

Then I’d been selfish again, broken up with her to ease my own guilt. I loved Mia with all that I was. There was no denying that. I’d never loved a single person more than I loved her. She was my future and I only ever wanted her.

For years my soul had been seeking hers, a woman who understood, who loved, who strived to see me, who was kind and gentle and sweet.

The truth is, the first time I saw Mia, I knew I was done for. The realization had scared me. Maybe I’d been pushing her away ever since. Too afraid to let another person in. Too ashamed at what they might see—a man, so miserable with his own life that he hid behind a desk all day.

But I hadn’t been miserable when Mia was around. I’d been happy. Truly happy.

What was she doing now? Was she hurting as bad as I was? Or had she moved on?

Since I’d left her apartment, she hadn’t even tried to call me. I didn’t know if I should be grateful for that. I knew with 100% clarity that if she’d called me, if she’d asked me to take it back, I would have. My resolve would have crumbled.

It’s better this way.

At least now she had a chance. A chance to be with someone worthy of her love.

Suddenly I couldn’t be here anymore. I couldn’t sit and listen to these stupid conversations. All I could think about was how different it would be if Mia were here. Her big, bright eyes looking across the table at me. Her gorgeous hair flowing over her shoulders. Her smile lingering on my face.

What had I done?

“
I have to go,” I said, abruptly standing.

“
But your food hasn’t even arrived,” Liza said. “Stay.” She reached out and grabbed my wrist, attempting to pull me back into my seat.

“
No, Liza,” I said, giving her a pointed look, then whispered so only she could hear, “The answer will always be no.”

Her eyebrows drew in, trying to determine my meaning. I didn’t stay to find out if she figured it out. Liza’s whiny voice trailed me out of the restaurant, and my name falling from her lips left me feeling uncomfortable, like my skin was sticky.

I couldn’t do this anymore. I was throwing my life away, ruining my happiness, making all the same mistakes over and over and this time it was costing something that actually mattered. It was costing me Mia.

The moonlight bled into the darkened alley, lighting up the graffiti on the walls. I felt close to Mia here. The colors. The women’s faces.

The cold concrete permeated my pants and I let the chill fill me. My eyes watered and everything felt hopeless. Was I a coward?

I was.

I must have sat on that concrete for over an hour, dwelling on all that I’d lost, all that would never ever be mine because of my fear.

The shrill ring of my phone made me jump and I reached into my pocket pulling it out.
Lucas Burns
flashed on the screen and my panic went through the roof. Lucas had never called me, ever. If he was, something must have happened. Mia must be in trouble.

“
Lucas,” I answered. “What’s wrong? Is everything okay?”

“
Huh? Why wouldn’t it be?”

“
I–I don’t know. Is Mia all right? Is she in trouble? I can be there by the morning.” Already I was standing, walking to my car.

“
No man. Mia’s fine. That’s not why I’m calling.”

“
Oh.” A mix of emotions went through me. Relief knowing that Mia was safe, but also sadness. Mia was fine, as if she was going about her life, no worries, no tears.
It’s what you wanted, dipshit. Suck it up and take it.

“
Listen though, I’ve got a surprise coming up and I know it would mean a lot to Marlowe if you were there. You can’t tell her about it though. I don’t want her to suspect anything. I’m kind of setting it up as a celebration for opening my second store.”

“
Oh. Okay. When is it?”

“
This weekend. I know it’s short notice, but I made up my mind and I’m doing it now. No more waiting.”

“
Awfully cryptic,” I said, but thought it over. It was Monday and I didn’t have any plans for the upcoming weekend. I could make it. “Yeah, I can be there.”

“
Awesome. And, uh, just so you know, Mia will be there, too.”

My chest constricted. Of course she would be. I’d get to see her again. Would it be the last time?

“
I, uh, I…”

Lucas ignored my stuttering. “She’s doing real good, man. Interviewed for a job in Oregon and they offered it to her. She’s moving in a few weeks. It’s funny though, a museum over in Florida offered a position too, but she turned it down. What are the chances? A month after you two break up and she gets the opportunity to go over there. Bad timing I guess. It’s a shame it didn’t come sooner.”

“
Yeah.” I could feel my throat tightening, pulling in my emotions. I was a fucking idiot. The biggest idiot on the planet.