Mercy (59 page)

they said, a very smart guy they said, but out o f control,

locked up, smart they said, a very smart guy but really fucked

up in the head, hears things, sees things, paranoid, has

delusions, and the landlady’s not here and no one’s here to

calm him down who knows him or to say who I am and he’s

screaming and I am saying who I am and saying the names o f

the landlady and his neighbors and saying, oh, they didn’t

know he’d be back, and I was just here for this second, a few

hours, a day, and I was just leaving, just now, and he’s

screaming and he’s hitting the table and he’s suddenly silent

and staring and he’s between me and m y stuff and I say I’ll be

back for it and he shouldn’t w orry and it’s all okay and o f

course it’s his place and I haven’t touched a thing, and I’m

trying to get m y coat but he’s in the w ay and he’s between me

and m y laundry bags, and me and m y papers, and I grab the

coat in a fast ju m p and swoop and I say the landlady will come

back for m y stuff or he can put it outside and he’s standing

there rigid and I run, I have the coat, I keep talking, I get out,

out o f the apartment, out o f the building, down the steps in the

hall, down the stoop, out, and I’ve got the keys to m y old

friend’s apartment, m y old peace friend, for the sofa outside

the kitchen and she got me the loony’s room and she said to

come back anytime so I turn to her, I’m pretty scared and I’m

shaking and I’m running and I don’t know if he’s calling the

police because there’s no one in the building to say who I am or

that they said I could stay there and I’m running to m y old

friend’s place and it’s a bitter cold night with the wind at about

fifteen miles an hour, under zero, the streets are deserted, they

are bare, and I think well okay, I’m safe, I got out, anybody’d

be shaking, I took everyone’s word that he wouldn’t be back

without enough warning, I relaxed, I took things out o f my

laundry bags, I was there a couple o f months nearly, I mean, I

never completely relax and I never completely unpack; and I

w asn’t asleep, thank God, but now I have to figure out where

to go, and I run to m y old friend’s apartment and I have the

keys in m y hand but I knock first because maybe she is there

and she is inside and she asks who it is and I say I am me and I

say what happened, that the guy came back, showed up,

opened the door, was in, and I ran and I need a place to sleep

tonight and it’s, ah, freezing out there, and she says there’s

someone with her and she doesn’t want me to come in because

he’s with her and I say okay, fine, yeah, it’s fine, yeah, it’s

okay, yeah, okay, because you don’t press yourself on

someone even if they told you always to come to them and

they gave you keys, they have freedom and if they say no then

you ain’t wanted there, and I think about saying to her you

have to do this because I have nowhere to go and nothing and I

will die out there, this ain’t no joke, tonight’s a dying night,

but you can’t push yourself on someone and I figure she

knows that anyway and you can’t count on no one, they will

let you die and that’s just the truth, and she don’t even open the

door to see my face or pass me money, she keeps it locked and I

hear her fasten the chain, and I’m in the hall o f her building and

I think I can go to Jill’s art opening, it’s all I can think of, a bar’s

more uncertain, more dangerous, and I can spend at least a few

hours there inside and there’s people there I know and I can

find a place to sleep maybe on someone’s floor, I don’t want to

fuck anyone, I just know I don’t, but maybe I can find

somewhere, I only got a couple o f dollars and it don’t last long

and you can’t stay warm through a whole night on it and I

don’t know anything past I have to find a place to sleep tonight

and get out o f the cold and I will w orry about the rest

tom orrow, where to go and what to do, I will think about it

tom orrow, and I say to m yself that I ain’t scared and so what

and this is nothing, absolutely nothing, piece o f cake, no

problem, I’ll just go and have a drink or something at the

opening and I’ll ask around and the art opening will last maybe

until two a. m., and then there’s only four hours or maybe five

until dawn, five really, and I can do that; I can do it; if I think

four hours I can do it and then after it’s only a little more time

and there’ll be light; I can do it; it ain’t new and I can do it; and

probably I can find somewhere to sleep and if I have to fuck I

will but I don’t want to but so what if I do but I w on ’t; I can last

through tonight. I’m walking in the wind, it’s like swim m ing

in the ocean against a deep and deadly tide, I’m walking down

to Soho, the streets are bare and the wind is cruel, just fucking

brutal cruel, I get about half a block at a time and I try to find a

doorw ay, warm up, walk as much more as I can stand, the

wind just freezes you, your chest, your blood, your bones; it

fucking hurts; it ain’t some moderate pain, it’s desperate like

some anguish possessing you. Soho’s industrial lofts and.

galleries and a couple o f bars, there’s long streets with

nowhere to go, it’s as if the doorw ays disappeared because the

buildings are industrial buildings and there’s elevators you

have to use to get inside, not normal doors, the painters living

there are illegal and there’s no shops or stores to step into and

Jill’s gallery is w ay downtown, near Canal Street, a long walk,

and the cold’s hurting me and I’m afraid. M y mind is rocking

back and forth from I can find someone and if I have to I’ll fuck

them even no matter what and I can make it from two to six if I

have to, I can. There’s no bums out, there’s no whores,

everyone’s folded inside some crease somewhere and anyone

who ain’t might not live until morning; there’s nights like that;

and I get there and I take the warehouse elevator up and it’s

white, it’s a huge warehouse room painted a glossy white and

there’s all these people dressed in real clothes, you know,

outfits, for style, and the w om en’s all acting nice and flirty

with the men and it’s warm and the men’s all acting smart and

polite and civilized and there’s wine, white wine, and there's

Stoli and bourbon and ice, and there’s cheese and some little

pieces o f food, some little sandwiches, tender little things you

can eat in one bite, yo u ’d be hard pressed to take two, you

know those funny little sandwiches that are always wet and

sort o f wilted, and the room ’s so shiny and white and big the

people almost disappear in it, the ceiling’s so high you feel like

a little ant, and it seems the people are sparse though there’s a

lot o f them, they don’t look like the wind got to them but

rather they’re all polished up, all shined, and there’s paintings

on the walls, Jill’s paintings, and in the middle o f the room

there’s Jill but she’s not looking all polished up, she’s sort o f

gray and miserable, and I say hi and I congratulate her and

she’s mad and sad and I say well it’s a big deal, really, and your

nerves are bound to get frayed, aren’t they, and she gets darker

and stranger, and Paul comes over, and she glowers, and he