Mercy (5 page)

and hungry all over and He had to see them too. I used to talk

to God, especially when m y mother was sick and in the

hospital and m y daddy had to be w orking so hard all day and

all night and God would be pretty near me, in the same room,

near me, and I wanted to know things like w hy anyone had to

die or be poor or starve in China, and if China was real or ju st a

story adults made up, and w hy colored people were treated so

bad, and w hy so many Jew s were dead; and I can’t remember

what He said but I always thought someday I would

understand if I kept trying to pin Him down and maybe I

could convince Him not to have things be so bad; and I had

complicated discussions with Him about w hy He made things

the w ay He did, because I didn’t think He did it right, and I

wanted to be a scholar when I grew up and write things about

what God meant and intended and He would listen to m y

questions and arguments but the adults wouldn’t; and I heard

Him inside m y head, and it was like He was in the room, but it

was never scary and it always made me peaceful even though I

thought He hadn’t done things completely right and I would get

calmed down and quiet even when I had been begging Him to let

m y mother get better or at least not die. I talked to Him a lot

when m y mother was in the hospital for an operation that might

kill her and they told me she might die right then and I had a high

fever and appendicitis and a rash and the adults told me I had to

tell her over the phone that I was all right because she must not

w orry and die and I knew it was wrong to lie, especially because

she might die right then or that night or the next day,

and my last words to her would be lies, and I wanted to cry to

her, but the adults said I wasn’t allowed, and it didn’t matter if

God said it was wrong to lie if adults said you had to lie because

you had to do what adults said not what God said. Y ou had to

be careful not to tell anyone you talked with God because they

might think you were crazy and you had to make sure n ob od y.

heard you talking to Him and you had to remember not to tell

the doctor. They told you to believe in Him and you were

supposed to pray and they sent you to Hebrew School and you

had to go to the children’s services where girls weren’t allowed

to do anything anyway but He wasn’t supposed to talk to you.

He talked to Moses and Abraham but you were just Andrea

from Camden even though Abraham had just been a boy

herding sheep when he figured out there was one God. He had

been staring up in the sky trying to think about God and he

thought God was the moon but the moon disappeared when

night was over and then he thought God was the sun but the

sun disappeared when the day was over and then he figured

out God had to be there all the time so He couldn’t be the sun

or the moon or any king because they died or any idol because

you could break it and you weren’t so different from Abraham

before he grew up. Except that you didn’t understand how he

knew God couldn’t be air because air is everywhere all the time

and the teacher didn’t know but they never say they don’t

know, they just make you feel stupid for asking something.

Y ou were supposed to pray but you couldn’t lead the prayers

because you were a girl and you couldn’t read from the Torah

so a whole bunch o f boys who were a lot stupider than you got

to do all the important things and you weren’t supposed to

argue with God although the rabbis did it all the time but you

were a girl and you weren’t allowed to be a rabbi anyw ay and

all the rabbis who argued with Him were dead anyway and

none o f the rabbis you ever saw or heard who were alive ever

argued with God at all. Y ou thought they just didn’t care

enough but they kept telling you rules and what you had to do

and what you couldn’t do and how to grow up and what to

think but you knew that the dead rabbis couldn’t have been

like them and hadn’t just learned rules and so sometimes you

would write arguments in the margins o f books just like the

great rabbis because you wanted to make commentaries like

they did but you weren’t supposed to write in any holy book

even if it was for children so you would have to hide your

writings and you would have to try to argue with God out

loud in person but hiding it but mostly you would talk with

God when you were crying for your mother or had had a big

fight with her or if you were very scared. I had a big fight with

God when I learned in Hebrew School that women couldn’t

go into the Tem ple when they had their periods because I got

mine when I was nine, I was an adult when I went to the

movies alone in the Bible, and it had hurt so terrible, so bad,

and still did every month, and I couldn’t think when anyone

would need God more, and how could He keep me aw ay and

say aw ful things like that I was unclean when He gave you the

thing. We were studying Leviticus and I was in class and I was

angry with the teacher who sat slumped over the book and

told me what God had said which I could see for m yself N o

one else was upset but maybe they hadn’t gotten their periods

yet and the teacher never would and he could go into the

Tem ple all the time, the whole month, all slumped over and

stupid. When I had it out with God I tried to explain over and

over that I really was sincere and w hy would He want to keep

someone sincere like me out o f the Tem ple and there w asn’t

any good answer that I could figure out except that it w asn’t

sincerity God was looking for; He wanted people w ho didn’t

bleed so w hy had He made you bleed; and you thought that

having a baby would be even worse and hurt even more and

He said you were even more unclean and had to stay out even

longer but you could solve that by not having a baby. And if

you had a baby you would have nine months when you could

go into the Temple and make God happy but when it got real

bad and you needed Him you couldn’t go because once it got

really bad and blood came you were unclean. I thought

women should have their babies in the Temple where God

was because it might hurt less. The teacher said you had to

accept things you didn’t understand and God didn’t have to be

fair but if God wasn’t who would be and how would they

know how? The teacher said that when he went to dinner in

people’s houses he would take a book out o f the people’s

bookcases and blow dust o ff it to show the wife the books

weren’t clean and how lazy and dirty she was. He said the

books were always dusty because women were lazy and didn’t

take care o f their husbands’ books. I didn’t understand w hy it

wasn’t rude to blow dust o ff someone’s books and make them

feel bad and I couldn’t understand how she could stand it after

she had made him dinner and been real nice. But he just

laughed and said women were unclean and he had just proved

it. I asked him if his books were dusty and he said his wife

cleaned them and he blew on them. I didn’t go to God with the

problem o f the books and the dust but I didn’t think it was fair

either. I asked my mother and she said he was my teacher and I

should listen to him but I decided not to anymore. N o w I had

another problem on my mind. Why was what the man did less

bad if I wasn’t a child? If I was a grown-up and went to the

movies and wanted to see the movie, w hy would it be less bad

if the man stopped me and if he scared me and if I had to run

away and i f he hurt me and if he made me cry and i f I didn’t