Mercy (40 page)

princess, because the man with the long legs says I am his, and

Pedro or Juan or Jo e is obsequious and he says he is sorry and

he says he didn’t understand and he says he made a mistake and

they chat and I’m shaking bad, I’m there covered a little, I’m

shaking and I’m not really covered and I’m covered in sweat

and I’m trying not to fall down faint and I’m shaking so much

I’m nearly naked, I’m hurt, my head falls down and I see my

skin, all bruised anywhere you can see as if I turned blue or

someone painted me blue, and there’s blood on me but I can’t

look or keep m y eyes open, I’m just this side o f dead but I’m

holding on, I’m shaking but I got something covering me

somewhere and I’m just not quite dead, I’m keeping something covering me somewhere, and Pedro or Juan or Jo e

leaves, he leaves mumbling an apology to the big man and I’m

saying thank you to the big man with serious formality, quiet

and serious and concentrating, and I’m something that ain’t

fresh and new, I’m something that ain’t clean, and I don’t

know anything except he’s got to go now because I have to

curl up by m yself to die now, it’s time, I’m just going to put

m yself down on the bed, very careful, very slow, on m y side

with m y knees raised a little, curled up a little, and I’m going to

God, I am going to ask God to take me in now, I am going to

forgive Him and I am going to put aside all m y grudges against

Him for all what He did wrong and for all the pain I ever had or

saw and I am going to ask Him to take me away now from

here and to somewhere else where I don’t have to move ever

again, where I can be curled up a little and nothing hurts and

whatever hurts don’t have to m ove and that I don’t have to

wake up no more but the big man ain’t through and I say later

or tom orrow or come back and he says I have to pay m y debts

and he talks and he threatens and he has a deep voice and he is.

big and he has long arms and he isn’t leaving, he says, and he is

strong and he pulls me down and gets on top o f me and says I

owe him and he fucks me and I say God Y ou must stop him

now but God don’t stop him, God don’t have no problem

with this, God rides on the back o f the man and I see Him there

doing it and the man uses his teeth on me where men fuck and

G od ’s for him and I’m wondering w hy He likes people being

hurt and I’m past hating Him and past Him and I can’t beg

Him no more for respite or help or death and the big man has

his teeth between m y legs, inside me and on the flesh all

around, he’s biting, not a little, deep bites, he’s using his teeth

and biting into the lips o f m y labia and I’m thinking this is not

happening and it is not possible and it is not true and I am

thinking it will stop soon because it must stop soon but it does

not stop soon because the man has fucked but it means nothing

to him except he had to do it so he did it but this is w hy he is

here, the real reason, this biting in this place, he is wanting to

do this other awful thing that is not like anything anyone ever

did before and I say this is not happening and even Y ou are not

so cruel to let this man do this and keep doing it and not

making him stop but the man has long arms and he’s driven, a

passionate man, and he holds me down and he has long legs

and he uses his arms and legs to keep me pinned down and he is

so big, so tall, he can have his face down there and still he

covers me to hold me down, m y shoulders, m y breasts; but

m y head twists back and forth, side to side, like some loose

head o f a doll screwed on wrong. He is cutting me open with

his teeth, he looks up at me, he bites more, he says lovers’

things, he is the great lover and he is going slow, with his

mouth, with his teeth, and then watching m y head try to

screw itself o ff m y neck; and he gets in a frenzy and there’s no

words for this because pain is littler and sweeter and someday

it ends but this doesn’t end, will not end, it will never end, it’s

dull, dirty, rusty knives cutting my labial lips or the edge o f a

rusty tin can and it’s inside me, his teeth reaching inside me

turning me inside out, the skin, he is pulling me open and he is

biting inside me and I’m thinking that pain is a river going

through me but there’s no words and pain isn’t a river, there’s

just one great scream past sound and my mind moves over, it

moves out o f m y head, I feel it escape, it runs away, it says no,

not this, no and it says you cannot but the man does and my

mind just fucking falls out o f my brains and I am past being

anything God can help anyway and He’s making the man

stronger, H e’s making the man happy, the man likes this, he is

liking this, and he is proud to be doing it so good like a good

lover, slow, one who lasts, one who takes time; and this is real;

this happened and this will last forever, because I am just

someone like anyone and there’s things too bad for me and I

didn’t know you could be lying flat, blue skin with blood from

the man with the knife, to find love again, someone cutting his

w ay into you; and I’m just someone and it’s just flesh down

there, tender flesh, somewhere you barely touch and you

w ouldn’t cut it or wound it; no one would; and I have pain all

over me but pain ain’t the word because there’s no word, I

have pain on me like it’s my skin but pain ain’t the word and it

isn’t m y skin, blue with red. I’m just some bleeding thing cut

up on the floor, a pile o f something someone left like garbage,

some slaughtered animal that got sliced and sucked and a man

put his dick in it and then it didn’t matter if the thing was still

warm or not because the essential killing had been done and it

was just a matter o f time; the thing would die; the longer it

took the worse it would be; which is true. He had a good time.

He did. He got up. He was friendly. He got dressed. I wasn’t

barely alive. I barely moaned or whispered or cried. I didn’t

move. He left. The gang was somewhere outside. He left the

door open, wide open, and it was going to be a hundred years

before I could crawl enough to close it. There was daylight

streaming in. It was tom orrow. T om orrow had finally come,,

a long tom orrow, an eternal tom orrow , I’m always here, the

girl lying here, can’t run, can’t crawl, where’s freedom now,

can’t move, can’t crawl, dear God, help me, someone, help

me, this is real, help me; please, help me. I hate God; for

making the pain; and making the man; and putting me here;

under them all; anyone that wants.