Mercury Rises (21 page)

Who built the Ark?

Noah! Noah!

Who built the ark?

Brother Noah built the ark.

Old man Noah build the Ark,

He built it out of hickory bark.

He built it long, both wide and tall.

With plenty of room for the large and small.

Who built the Ark?

Noah! Noah!

Who built the ark?

Brother Noah built the ark.

In came the animals two by two,

Hippopotamus and kangaroo.

In came the animals three by three,

Two big cats and a bumble bee.

Mercury peeked inside the tent. Noah was inside, sprawled naked on a pile of pillows. His left hand held a wine jug and his right hand rested in his lap. He seemed to be performing a sort of puppet show in time with the music, except that he had no puppet, per se.

"Oh, jeez," Mercury muttered to himself, as he closed the flap of the tent. "It's bad luck just seeing something like that." He shuddered and made his way down to the farm area.

"Excuse me," he said to a young man chopping wood nearby, "I was wondering if you could give me a hand?"

The man turned with a start to face Mercury, gripping his axe defensively.

"No need for that, friend," assured Mercury. "I'm unarmed, and I mean you no harm. I'm just here to talk---"

"How'd you get up here?" the man demanded.

"I, uh, walked," he said. "Didn't you see me a few minutes ago? Walked right past you. I guess you were too busy chopping wood to notice."

"Hmm," said the man.

Mercury went on, "I just came by to have a word with your dad, Noah."

"You know my father?"

"Oh, sure. I used to be his gopher."

"His gopher?"

"Yeah. That was our little joke. I'd ask him what kind of wood he was using on the boat, and he'd say, 'Gopher wood.' And I'd say, 'Gopher wood, what's that?' And he'd say, 'Stop asking stupid questions and gopher wood.' Ah, good times. You're probably too young to remember."

"Huh," replied the man, uncertainly.

"Anyway, Brother Noah seems to be, ah, indisposed."

"Oh, hell," spat the man, dropping his axe and wiping his sweaty brow with the back of his hand. "What's he up to
now
?" He stomped up the path to the tents, with Mercury in tow.

"I'm Mercury," offered Mercury.

"Ham," replied the man, without slowing his stride.

"Ah," said Mercury. "I met your son a bit ago. Charming boy."

Ham muttered something unintelligible.

As they approached the big tent, they heard singing, even louder and more off-key now:

Who built the Ark?

Noah! Noah!

Who built the ark?

Brother Noah built the ark.

In came the animals four by four,

Two through the window and two through the door.

In came the animals five by five,

The bee came swarming from the hive.

Who built the Ark?

Noah! Noah!

Who built the ark?

Brother Noah built the ark.

In came the animals six by six,

The elephant laughed at the monkey's tricks.

In came the animals seven by seven,

Giraffes and the camels looking up to heaven.

Ham peeked inside the tent, and then slapped his hand over his mouth and bent over, his broad shoulders shaking uncontrollably. At first Mercury thought he was sobbing, but when he turned around, he could see that Ham's face was contorted with laughter. Unable to restrain himself, Ham ran from the scene and keeled over, rolling around on the ground hysterically. He was laughing so hard that he couldn't breathe. Tears poured down his cheeks. His whole body was wracked with paroxysms of glee. Clearly his father's booze-addled, musical puppet show was, bar none, the funniest thing that he had ever seen. Mercury followed Ham away from the tent and stood by, waiting for him to recover from his fit of laughter, but the episode showed no signs of waning. Every so often, Ham would look to be on the verge of losing consciousness, and then take a giant gulp of air and continue laughing.

After about five minutes of this, Mercury began to feel profoundly uncomfortable. He had rather hoped that Ham would pull the curtain on the puppet show and let Noah know he had a visitor---not exaggerate the incident to epic proportions. When a pair of hyenas wandered over to see what the fuss was about, Mercury decided enough was enough.

"Hey!" he said, kicking Ham lightly in the ribs. "Do you feel that this is appropriate behavior, given the circumstances?"

Ham's reddened eyes opened and he gasped several times for air. "You know what?" he said, "You're right! Where are my manners?"

"That's more like it," said Mercury. "Now if you wouldn't mind---"

"I've got to tell Shem and Japheth!" Ham exclaimed, jumping to his feet. He ran back down the path to find his brothers.

"What in the name of..." Mercury mumbled in disbelief. He looked to the heavens. "Really?" he asked. "
This
is the family you decided to save?"

After a minute or two, Ham returned, followed closely by his two brothers.

"Hey," said Japheth, regarding Mercury. "You're the bastard who sent us after those snipe---and stole our dwarf unicorn."

"'Stole' is a strong word," said Mercury. "I
borrowed
your dwarf unicorn."

"Borrowed? So you intend to give him back?"

"I did intend to," said Mercury. "But then he died. And was eaten. By me. Look, let's not dwell on who borrowed who's unicorn, and who intended to let whom die from starvation. The important thing is that we're all alive and well now, and that we've learned from this flood that killed almost everybody on earth that violence doesn't solve anything."

"Hmph," grunted Japheth. "We'll let my father decide about that." He walked up to Noah's tent and peered inside. The singing had ceased. "He's passed out," said Japheth.

"Oh, man, you missed it!" exclaimed Ham. "He was doing this thing with his---"

"What the hell is wrong with you?" snapped Shem. "He's your
father
, you friggin' pervert. Now go get me a blanket."

Ham grumbled something and stomped off. After a moment, he returned with a wool blanket, on the corner of which was written CANAAN.

"What the hell is this?" Shem asked.

"What?" Ham asked. "I'm not using
my
blanket."

Shem gave Ham a smack upside the head. "Go back to chopping wood, dickhead."

Ham sulked off.

Shem and Japheth each took a corner of the blanket and walked backwards into the tent, trying to avoid seeing anything that would scar them for life. Shem tripped over something, crashing to the ground with an expletive. Noah grunted and the two brothers high-tailed it out of the tent.

"OK," said Japheth. "He's covered up. You can go in and talk to him if you want, but I don't expect he'll be in a very good mood."

"Thanks, guys," said Mercury.

"And don't try anything," said Japheth. "We'll be waiting right over here."

"No worries," replied Mercury. "We're just going to have a little chat."

"Good luck with that," said Japheth, with a wry smile. He and Shem sat down on some nearby rocks. "Man, this is getting embarrassing," Mercury heard Japheth say.

"Tell me about it," replied Shem. "Promise me that if I ever get that drunk, you'll cut my foreskin off."

"Damn, brother. What is it with you and foreskin? Sometimes I worry about you."

Mercury entered the tent.

Noah still lay on the pile of pillows, but his genitalia were mercifully now covered. He was holding up a corner of the blanket. Squinting at it, he slowly read aloud: "CANAAN."

"Nice kid," Mercury said.

"Was he in here?" Noah asked.

"Well," replied Mercury. "Actually, yes. He was here."

"Man, that kid gives me the creeps. I think I'm going to curse the little psycho. That'll teach him. God, my head is killing me."

Mercury studied the old man. He looked worn out, like an athletic champion a few hundred years out of his prime. Probably he had spent his whole life preparing for the flood, and now that it was over, he had no idea what to do with himself. Some people just weren't cut out for retirement.

"Here, I think I can help," said Mercury, reaching his hand out to touch Noah's head. "I'm not really supposed to do this---you know, interfere with the natural consequences of excess---but I think I can make an exception for you."

At his touch, Noah instantly brightened. His headache was gone. "Who are you?" Noah asked, amazed. "Hey, you're the guy who took our unicorn."

"Yeah, sorry about that," replied Noah, taking a seat on the ground across from Noah.

"No worries. We barbecued the other one. They're good eatin'. And between you and me, I didn't mind have two fewer horny animals on that boat. So who are you? An angel?"

"Actually," said Mercury, "I am." He wasn't sure why he was being so candid with this guy; there was just something about Noah that made you trust him.

"So you were sent by God to take that unicorn?"

"Well," said Mercury. "God sometimes gives us angels a little leeway in our assignments."

"But He sent you here? Is He calling me home?"

"Uh," replied Mercury. Boy, Noah's earnestness was a double-edged sword. "Not exactly," Mercury went on. "Actually, I'm here for a sort of, uh, debriefing."

Noah clutched the blanket around his waist.

"What I mean," Mercury hurriedly continued, "is that after these sorts of, uh, cataclysmic events, we like to follow up with our prophets and ask them a few questions about their experience, to ensure quality of service."

"Quality of service?" Noah asked dimly.

"Right," said Mercury. Noah noticed that he was now holding a clipboard that he hadn't remembered seeing before. "So first of all, on a scale of one to ten, with one being very unsatisfying and ten being very satisfying, how would you rate your overall experience as a prophet of the Almighty God?"

"Um," said Noah. "I guess maybe a seven?"

"Great," replied Mercury. "And how likely---again, on a scale of one to ten, with one being very unlikely and ten being very likely---how likely would you be in the future to volunteer to be a prophet of the Almighty God?"

Noah frowned. "Um, maybe a four? It's just that I'm a little tired, and it was my understanding that the whole world would be wiped out by this flood..."

"Yes, yes," said Mercury. "We'll get to that. How thorough would you say the instructions you were given were? Again, on a scale of one to ten."

"About an eight, I guess. I had to improvise a bit with the planking on the bow, but other than that..."

"Excellent. And how did God primarily communicate with you? The options here are: A) Vegetation that seems to burn but is not consumed; B) Talking animal; C) Angel or angels; and D) Mystical vision slash voices in head."

"Well, D, I guess."

"Great. And how well was the reason for the calamity explained to you, with one being not very well at all, and ten being very well explained?"

"The reason for the calamity?"

"You know, why God decided to send the, uh...Let's see, flood, was it?"

"Oh. Um, well, I'm not sure. See, I'd have given this one a ten a few weeks ago, but now I'm not sure."

"Go on."

"Well, like I said, it was my understanding that God sent the flood to wipe out humanity, because of their wickedness. But obviously some of the Babylonians and Egyptians survived, so I guess I don't see the point of the boat."

"You did save a lot of animals that might otherwise have died off," reminded Mercury.

"Yeah, I suppose," admitted Noah. "But if people are the problem, I don't get why God didn't just send some kind of plague that only kills people and leaves the animals alone, you know? And why did God create people in the first place? Shouldn't He have known they were going to turn bad? And...can I say something off the record here?"

"Sure," said Mercury, setting down his clipboard.

"Frankly," Noah said, "I don't understand why he picked
me
. Why
my
family? I'm nothing special, and my kids, they can be real assholes, as I believe I've mentioned."

"Oh, I don't know," said Mercury. "They helped you build the boat, didn't they? And they kept it upright even during the worst of the storm. That's pretty impressive. Yes, I'd say that you produced some decent seamen."

"That's nice of you to say," said Noah. "I guess Shem and Japheth are OK, but there's no getting around the fact that Ham is kind of a dick. And that kid of his? Canaan? Seriously, that boy is not right in the head. Of all the millions of people on the Earth, why spare
him
?"

"Hmmm," replied Mercury thoughtfully. "You're absolutely certain God told you that He was sending the flood because of mankind's wickedness?"

"Pretty sure, yeah. He said, 'I am going to put an end to all people, for the Earth is filled with violence because of them. I am surely going to destroy both them and the Earth.' Not a lot of gray area there."

"Hmmm," said Mercury again. "And there was no mention of any specific group of people, or any particular sort of activity that he objected to? Other than, you know, just the general violence and wickedness?"

Noah stared at him, uncomprehendingly. "I'm not sure I follow you."

"Well, for instance, did He mention the Babylonians at all? Maybe a particular building project they were working on?"

Noah frowned and shook his head.