Mercury Rests (31 page)

Take this fellow here, for instance, carrying a big black backpack under his arm and sprinting at top speed toward the Eye of
Providence. Terrorist with a bomb or just another bureaucratic functionary late for a meeting? To the untrained eye, such a figure might seem suspect, but when you’ve spent the last three hundred years standing in the same spot with absolutely nothing of interest happening, you know that the notion that this person might do something to relieve your crushing boredom is at best a harmless pipe dream and at worst a dangerous distraction from your responsibility to stand very still and act like you are not to be messed with. At a moment like this, your training takes over and you become completely unselfconscious, an unthinking, unfeeling machine, a machine whose purpose is to look as much as possible like it is guarding something without having any intention to do any actual guarding. And so it was that the Guardians of the Portal of Heaven passed yet another test of their resolve, refusing even to allow an actual attack to distract them from their assigned task.

Lucifer ran tirelessly through the streets of Heaven, undistracted by the stares and gasps of the civilians he passed. His face was well known in Heaven, having been plastered all over the lobbies of most of the surrounding buildings for the past seven thousand years. Seven thousand years at the top of Heaven’s Most Wanted! That was a record not likely to be broken any time soon.

Getting any closer to the Eye was overkill at this point; a ten-kiloton bomb would turn anything within a half-mile radius to plasma. But Lucifer wasn’t taking any chances. He wanted to detonate the bomb as close as possible to the Eye. More importantly, he wanted to make sure that even if he were caught, there would be no chance of sending Wormwood back through the portal.

By the time the authorities finally got their act together, he was less than a hundred yards from the base of the Eye. The
massive structure towered more than a hundred feet over him, a shimmering deep-blue pyramid that betrayed not the slightest imperfection. Deep within the translucent pyramid glowed an orb of brilliant light that seemed to be slowly spinning, minute variations in its rays causing it to twinkle like a star. Lucifer couldn’t help but feel a sense of awe. This was the source of the energy that pervaded the planes, the artifact that made reality itself possible. And he was going to blow it to smithereens.

A dozen sword-wielding cherub guards converged on him, forming an impenetrable circle. “That’s far enough,” said their lieutenant to Lucifer.

“Yes,” replied Lucifer. “I suppose it is.” He held the backpack before him and began to unzip it.

“Stop!” cried the lieutenant. “Put the bag on the ground and step away.”

Lucifer shrugged and placed the bag on the ground, taking two steps back. “I’m afraid it’s too late,” he said. The bomb would go off within seconds.

“What’s this about?” growled a voice from behind Lucifer. Lucifer turned and was delighted to see his old antagonist Cravutius approaching.

“Cravutius, old boy,” said Lucifer. “You’re just in time.”

“In time for what, Lucifer? What have you got in the bag?”

“Something that will put an end to your reign of stupidity and ignorance,” said Lucifer. “Go ahead, open it.”

Cravutius nodded at the lieutenant, who finished unzipping the bag. He pulled out a small obsidian cube and what appeared to be a stack of around nine hundred sheets of paper.

“You brought us a book?” asked Cravutius, confused.

Lucifer’s jaw dropped. His face went pale. Nausea gripped him and he fell to his knees.

The lieutenant handed the stack to Cravutius, who flipped over the cover page and began to read:

To Your Holiness, the High Council of the Seraphim,
Greetings from your humble servant, Ederatz,
Cherub First Class,
Order of the Mundane Observation Corps

“Ederatz?” asked Cravutius, frowning at Lucifer. “Who is Ederatz?”

Lucifer shook his head weakly, tears rolling down his cheeks.

“I have no fucking idea,” he said.

The SEALs, ignoring Jacob for a moment, turned their weapons on Mercury, letting loose a barrage of metal and fire.

This time, though, Mercury was ready. The bullets miraculously altered their trajectory in midair as if repulsed by an unseen magnetic field, missing their target by inches. Undeterred, the SEALs continued to fire until their barrels were red hot and their magazines were empty. They began to reload, but Mercury seized the momentary lull to send a shockwave at them that knocked them all on their asses. The immediate threat having been dealt with, he collapsed trembling and exhausted on the planeport floor. Jacob ran to him.

“You all right?” he asked.

“Ugh,” replied Mercury. He was still bleeding badly from the wounds in his chest and lower torso. “I could really use a nap. For, like, a thousand years or so.”

Jacob helped him sit up against the wall of the concourse. The SEALs had gotten to their feet and were conferring among themselves, apparently not sure what to do next. Evidently the mission briefing hadn’t covered what they were supposed to do once the bomb was delivered. Eventually they picked up their
weapons and then walked past Jacob and Mercury, regarding them circumspectly.

“Nice work, guys,” said Mercury as they passed. “You realize what you just did, right? You helped Lucifer deliver a nuclear bomb to Heaven. I’d recommend leaving that one off your résumé.”

“What the hell are you talking about, you BIO freak?” growled one of the men, stopping to face Mercury. The others halted as well.

“Lucifer,” said Mercury. “You know, Satan? The devil? That was him. He’s been trying to bring about the downfall of Heaven for seven thousand years but he never even got close before. Not until today. Thanks to you guys. So seriously, nice work. Pat yourselves on the back.”

“Whatever,” said the man.

“It’s true,” said Jacob. “I’m a scientist for the FBI. I didn’t believe it at first either, but it’s true. Well, most of it.”

Mercury frowned at him. “Really? You’re still skeptical?”

“Oh, no,” said Jacob. “I just meant the—
unck
—part about Lucifer delivering the bomb isn’t quite true.” He walked a few steps down the concourse and picked up a cardboard box that had been lying there unnoticed. He set the box down next to Mercury and pulled off the lid. Inside was a lumpy, roughly rectangular object about the size of an Oxford Dictionary.

“What the hell is that?” asked another SEAL. He wore a red officer’s chevron on his arm and appeared to be the default leader of the group.

“That,” said Jacob, “is a portable nuclear device. Its official name is
Wormwood
.”

“Holy shit, Jacob,” said Mercury. “How did you...”

“I knew I wasn’t going to be able to stop Lucifer,” replied Jacob, “so when I was out of sight around the corner, I pulled a switch.”

“Pulled a...so what did Lucifer deliver to Heaven?”

Jacob shrugged. “Some kind of book, I guess. Eddie gave it to me.”

The SEALs exchanged uncomfortable glances. One of them looked like he was about to make a move for the bomb.

“Don’t even think about it,” said Mercury. “Even with twenty-eight, no, twenty-nine gunshot wounds, I could stop your heart as easy as snapping my fingers.”

The man thought better of it.

“Was that true, what you said?” asked the officer. “About that guy being...”

“Satan? The devil himself? Yep.”

“Bullshit,” said one of the men.

“You’re right,” said Mercury. “He’s not the devil. He’s just some random guy delivering American-made nuclear weapons to other dimensions. And you’re helping him because that’s just the kind of unquestioning dumbfuck you are. Feel better now?”

The man was silent.

“I thought he seemed a little...wrong,” said the officer.

Mercury nodded. “He’s all kinds of wrong. Fortunately, Jacob here seems to have saved you from eternal damnation for your service to the Dark Lord.”

“Uh, Mercury,” said Jacob.

“I know,” replied Mercury impatiently. “The Dark Lord is Sauron, from
The Lord of the Rings
. That doesn’t change my underlying point.”

“No,” said Jacob. “I just noticed, the bomb has been armed.
Unck
.”

Mercury leaned forward, noticing a small LCD display that read:
02:26...02:25...02:24...

The SEALs exchanged more uneasy glances.

“So, um, you can disarm it, right?” asked Mercury.

Jacob examined the device, shaking his head. “This is a trickier trigger. Meant to be tamper proof. Pretty sure pulling one of these two wires would do it, though.” He indicated two wires running from the timer to the detonator, one yellow and one blue.

“Which one?”

Jacob shrugged meekly. “No way to know for sure.”

“And if you pull the wrong one?”

Jacob made his hands into fists and then spread his fingers apart suddenly.

“Jazz hands?” asked Mercury.

“Mushroom cloud.”

“Oh.”

02:12...02:11...02:10...

Mercury turned to the SEALs, who were still appraising the situation uncertainly. “If you guys have, you know, wives and children and stuff, this might be a good time to take off.”

“Where we gonna go?” asked the one who had spoken earlier. “The blast radius of a ten-kiloton bomb is over a mile. I can’t run that fast.”

Mercury sighed. “You’re lucky that in addition to about three and a half pounds of lead, my chest also holds a heart of gold. Jacob, how much time do we have left on the Kenya portal?”

“Just over two minutes,” said Jacob, checking his watch. “It’ll disappear about the time the bomb goes off.”

“OK,” said Mercury. “Jacob here will take you to another portal that will transport you home. Well, to a jungle in the middle of Kenya. Don’t ask. But from there you can get home.”

01:52...01:51...01:50...

“I need to stay here and try to disarm the bomb,” Jacob protested.

Mercury shook his head. “No need for you to stay here. I can pull a random wire as well as you can. And if I’m wrong, I’ll just get blown to a billion pieces and then reincorporate. You’d only do the blowing up part. And somebody has to go help Christine.”

Jacob said nothing.

“All right, then. Men, I’m giving you a chance to do penance for trying to help the Prince of Darkness turn Heaven into a radioactive slag heap. Jacob will take you to the portal. Once you’re through, you’re free to do whatever you want. I would really appreciate it, though, if you’d help Jacob here rescue a friend of mine. She went looking for a glass apple a while ago, and I’m afraid she may have run into a bad element.”

The officer nodded. “We’ll do what we can,” said the officer. “Good luck.”

Mercury nodded. “Go get her, Jacob,” he said, doing his best to smile.

Jacob nodded and took off in a loping run.

“Let’s move!” shouted the officer. And the seven SEALs followed Jacob down the concourse.

Mercury waited until they had time to reach the portal, then took a deep breath and took a last look at the timer.

00:10...00:09...00:08...

“Eenie, meenie, miny moe. Pull a wire and let ’er blow.”

He pulled the blue wire.

The experiment was over in a few minutes. The apple rolled back down the tube, landing with a gentle thump in the receptacle. The demon at the console pressed a button, and the receptacle slid out with the apple inside. Christine was simultaneously disappointed and relieved that it looked no different. She didn’t suppose that meant anything, though. Chrotons wouldn’t be visible to the naked eye.

Tiamat plucked the apple from its cradle, looking into it with wonder. “Did it work?” she asked.

Finch examined the reading on the console. “Energy readings are consistent with chroton release,” he said. “So yes, I would say it worked. You hold in your hand the power to control time itself.”

Tiamat regarded the apple. “So, um, how do I...you know, exert mastery over time and space?”

Finch frowned. “Hmm. I’m actually not sure. The ancient writings are a bit vague on that point. Maybe, uh, shake it or something?”

“Shake it?” Tiamat asked coldly. “I exert mastery over time and space by
shaking it
?”

“Or something,” muttered Finch.

“Like a Polaroid picture,” offered one of the demons.

She tried shaking it. “Nothing,” she said.

“Hold it up to your ear,” suggested Christine.

Tiamat scowled at her and then held it up to her ear. “I hear the ocean.”

“Really?” asked Finch.

“No, you dipshit, not really,” Tiamat snapped. “It’s a glass apple. Why would it sound like the ocean?” She regarded the apple again, holding it in front of her face and frowning as if willing it to reveal its secrets.

“Maybe it would work better if we were aboveground,” said the demon at the control panel.

Tiamat turned to scowl at him, then barked, “Everyone! We’re heading aboveground!”

The group assembled in the elevator, with Christine crammed in the back between two sweaty demons.

Christine couldn’t see how getting aboveground was going to help Tiamat exert mastery over time and space. “Mastery over time and space” was kind of a misnomer if it didn’t work underground. What did mastery over time and space entail, exactly, she wondered? How would you even know if you possessed it? Maybe
I
have complete mastery over time and space, thought Christine. She closed her eyes, trying to think herself home in Glendale, back before her breakfast nook had become a beachhead in the ultimate war between good and evil, but her concentration was broken by the sulfurous stench emanating from the demons on either side of her. “Yikes,” she muttered. “You guys shower this millennium?”

The demons sniffed self-consciously at themselves.

Ding!

The elevator had reached the surface. Tiamat led the group through the command center and to a grassy clearing just behind it. The battle continued to rage in the sky, on both sides of the dome. The sounds of the jungle at night were occasionally drowned out by automatic-weapon fire somewhere far above. A few dozen demons patrolled the area around the compound to prevent Heavenly agents from intruding on Tiamat’s party, but the angels seemed to have their hands full with the battle in the sky.