Mercury Rests (25 page)

“So?” asked Christine, her hushed tone belying her nonchalance. “What do I care if those guys are...Anyway, who the hell are you?”

“My name is Ederatz. I used to work for the Mundane Observation Corps. You can call me Eddie.”

“The MOC?” asked Christine. “You’re...?”

“A cherub, yes,” replied Eddie. “And Jacob is right. You can’t go home to your condo. They’re waiting for you. You’ll never make it to the front door.”

“How does he know my name?” asked Jacob. “
Unck
.”

“How do you know they’re watching my condo?” asked Christine.

“I observe. I document. It’s what I do. And I just observed and documented your friend, Mercury, getting shot in the head and dragged away by federal agents.”

Christine snorted. “You’re a liar, Eddie, or whatever your name is. Mercury is gone, on some other plane, a billion miles away. He’s never coming back.”

“It would probably be better for him if he were,” said Eddie. “But he came back. Somehow he traveled through time, returning to Earth before he left. He helped you escape from Mount Mbutuokoti, although you never saw him. He’s the one who kept you from being pelted by chunks of molten lava.”

“Time travel?” said Christine dubiously. “Really? You sound like you’re making this up as you go along, Eddie.”

Eddie shrugged. “All I know is what he told me.” Eddie told her how Mercury had related everything that had happened over the past two days, including his scheme to convince the other Mercury, his past self, to turn himself in, and how he had delivered Gamaliel to Heaven as a token of goodwill.

Christine wanted to argue, but against all reason and logic what Eddie said made sense. He knew far too much about Mercury, down to the archangel’s business card that he had been carrying in his pocket for centuries. And his story explained how Christine had managed to escape from the volcanic eruption, why Mercury had turned himself in, and why the Heavenly bureaucracy had gone so easy on him. There was no way around it: Eddie was telling the truth.

She said, “So you saw Mercury get shot while trying to get to my condo? Why didn’t you stop him?”

Eddie made an effort not to betray any sense of guilt. “I didn’t know,” he said, which was technically true. “I didn’t know the FBI had snipers set up until they took him out. I’m sorry.” The words rang hollow in his ears.

“Well, that’s that, then,” said Jacob. “We can’t go to the condo.
Unck.
”

“But we have to do something,” said Christine. “We have to find Mercury. He can warn Heaven. Call them up on whatchamacallit, Angel Band.”

“Maybe he already has,” offered Jacob.

“I don’t think so,” said Eddie. “He wanted to warn them in person. He didn’t think they’d believe him unless he went in person, and frankly I think he was right. He told me some pretty wacky stuff.”

“What stuff?” asked Christine. “Damn it, Eddie, what aren’t you telling us?”

“Are you familiar with something called Wormwood?”

Christine and Jacob shook their heads. “
Unck
,” said Jacob.

“The short version: you’re right to be worried. The US government is about to launch a preemptive strike against Heaven, and I have pretty good reason to believe that Lucifer is pulling the strings. In fact, I suspect Lucifer has taken Mercury prisoner.”

“You mean the crazy blond guy in Kenya?” asked Jacob. “That’s not his real name, is it? I mean, you’re not saying he’s actually—”

Christine cut him off. “Lucifer has Mercury? Where?”

Eddie sighed. “Look,” he said. “I’ll tell you everything I know. I may even be able to help you find Mercury. But I need you to do something for me first.”

“What is it?” asked Christine.

“I need you to tell me everything that’s happened to you since you left Eden II.”

“Why?” demanded Christine. “Can’t this wait? If what you’re saying is true, the US government is about to launch an all-out war on Heaven.”

Eddie shook his head. “I’m sorry. I have to document everything. The record has to be complete. Once you tell me your side of the story, I’ll tell you how to find Mercury.”

Christine was clearly furious, but she could see that Eddie wasn’t going to budge. Every second she protested was going to be another second Mercury spent at the mercy of Lucifer. “Fine,” she said, and launched into her account of everything that had happened to them over the past two days. With minimal interruptions from Eddie, she caught him up to the moment he and Jacob had gotten off the Covenant Holders bus less than an hour earlier. Eddie couldn’t type fast enough to keep up, so he resorted to scribbling shorthand in a notepad.

“Now,” Christine demanded, “where did Lucifer take Mercury?”

Eddie pointed at the floor. “Downstairs,” he said ominously.

“Downstairs?” asked Jacob. “You mean, like, Hell?”

“No,” said Eddie, shaking his head. “Downstairs. You know, the basement.”

“What basement? You mean
here
, at Charlie’s Grill?”

Eddie nodded. “Lucifer owns this whole chain, you know. Every store has a secret room in the basement. Lucifer uses them to store contraband and as impromptu meeting rooms. Or, you know, tort...that is, holding facilities.” He hurriedly went on, “I saw them dragging Mercury into a food truck. Then, a little while later, I saw the same truck pull around back of this restaurant.
There’s a door outside that leads to the basement. I suspect that’s where they brought him.”

“That’s—
unck!
—ridiculous!” said Jacob. “They shot him in broad daylight and then brought him here, to a restaurant not more than a hundred yards away? I don’t buy it.”

Eddie shrugged. “They needed to get him someplace fast, before he regained consciousness. I doubt anybody saw anything. Mercury basically fell into the bushes, the truck pulled up, and he was gone. I only saw it because I was watching him. I’m telling you, he’s downstairs. But you don’t have to believe me if you don’t want to.”

“You bastard,” Christine spat. “You made us sit here and tell you stories while Mercury is right downstairs, probably being tortured by Lucifer. All right, then. Show us where he is.”

“Show you?” asked Eddie, taken aback. “I said I would tell you where he was, which I have done. I’m afraid that now I need to find someplace quiet to finish my book.” He started to get up, but Christine gripped his forearm, fingernails digging into his flesh. “Ow!” Eddie exclaimed. “Don’t make me—”

“Don’t make you
what
, Eddie?” Christine growled. “Pull one of your so-called ‘miracles’? Go ahead. Make it a big, flashy one. In fact, let me help you out.” In a flash, Christine was standing on top of the table.

“Christine!” gasped Jacob. “What are you doing? Sit down!
Unck!
”

Eddie nodded, agreeing wholeheartedly with Jacob.

“Ladies and gentlemen!” exclaimed Christine. “I am pleased to announce that we have here at Charlie’s Grill today a very special guest. His name is Eddie, and he’s an
angel
!”

Every eye in the restaurant turned to Christine, and then to Eddie, at whom she was pointing.

“Don’t be shy, Eddie!” Christine bellowed. “Wave to the nice people!”

“Stop, Christine,” Eddie pleaded. “Please stop.”

“Eddie works for something called the Mundane Observation Corps. His job is to remain completely unnoticed by the likes of you fine folks while observing everything you do. Under no circumstances is Eddie allowed to make a giant spectacle of himself. Isn’t that right, Eddie?”

Jacob was now curled up in the fetal position under the table, trying to remain completely still and unseen. “
Unck!
” he yelled, in spite of himself. Eddie, meanwhile, had gone completely white and sat in his chair, paralyzed.

“Ladies and gentlemen,” Christine went on. “Eddie has graciously agreed to perform a miracle for us today! Please put your hands together for the Fabulous Eddie, who will now disappear before your very eyes!”

If Eddie had any illusions about disappearing before, they had vanished. “All right!” he hissed at Christine. “I’ll show you where he is. Just stop this!”

Christine smiled at the expectant crowd. “False alarm,” she said, and hopped down to the floor, giving Eddie a shove and whispering in his ear, “Lead the way, Fabulous Eddie.”

In one hand Lucifer held a lit cigar and in the other a wooden baseball bat. He stood in an unfurnished room with a concrete floor and cinder block walls lit by a single 100-watt lightbulb hanging from the ceiling. In front of him sat a tall figure tied to a chair, his head slumped forward and his silver hair obscuring his face. Presently Lucifer became aware that the figure was mumbling something.

“...ninety-eight, ninety-nine, one hundred!”

Mercury’s head whipped upward, and his eyes fixed on Lucifer, standing in the center of the room. A look of profound disappointment swept over his face. “You know,” he said, “I realize this is a small room, but you could put a little effort into it. OK, my turn to hide. I’ll tie you to the chair.”

Lucifer swung the bat at Mercury’s face, knocking out three of his teeth.

“Ow!” Mercury howled, spitting blood on the floor. “What the hell? That hurt! Ow!”

“What, no more smart-ass remarks?” asked Lucifer. “I’m disappointed.”

“Look,” said Mercury, blood pouring down his chin. “I realize that I’m supposed to be the defiant, wise-cracking hero laughing in the face of adversity, but that fucking
hurt
. I mean, I’ll do my best to play off the whole Hans Gruber thing you’ve got going, but I can’t promise you a consistently high level of witty repartee if you’re going to keep hitting me with a baseball bat. I’m liable to scream like a lovelorn howler monkey next time.”

“Ah, Mercury,” said Lucifer, twirling the bat in his hand and chomping on his cigar. “It’s too bad we met so late. I could use somebody like you on my team.”

“OK,” said Mercury.

Lucifer scowled. “What do you mean, ‘OK’?”

“I mean, ‘OK, I accept.’ You have full dental, right? I may need some work done.”

“I wasn’t actually offering you a job,” said Lucifer.

“Oh,” replied Mercury softly. “Yeah, I knew that.” He strained against the twine that secured his wrists to the back of the chair. It wouldn’t take much energy to weaken the molecular bonds of the twine...

“Don’t even think about it,” warned Lucifer. “You break the twine, I split your skull open.”

Mercury relaxed his arms.

“Nothing personal,” said Lucifer. “I kind of admire your style. Unfortunately, you keep screwing up my plans to wreak untold misery and destruction. So I have to keep you tied up down here for a while.”

“Yeah, I heard about your plan to nuke Heaven. What’s that all about?”

“Oh, just a little something I dreamed up while watching
O’Reilly
. Going to take out the Eye of Providence and eliminate the source of the energy that sustains the Universe.”

Mercury nodded thoughtfully. “I’m curious, though, if you’ve thought through the ramifications of that,” he said. “You see, you’re not going to believe this, but I just got back from the distant future. I saw how it all ends. There’s this creeping fog that gradually erases all of existence. It’s frankly rather off-putting.”

Lucifer shrugged. “If that’s the way it ends, that’s the way it ends. If God didn’t want me to screw up His creation, maybe He shouldn’t have created me.”

“That seems like a bit of a cop-out,” said Mercury. “I mean, take some responsibility, for Pete’s sake.”

“Responsibility!” growled Lucifer. “Why doesn’t God take some responsibility, if He exists? Why doesn’t He just step down from whatever cloud He’s on and put a stop to my plans? I’ll tell you why: either He doesn’t exist or He doesn’t care. I’m putting an end to the charade, once and for all.”

“I still don’t get it,” said Mercury. “Why devote your life to trying to destroy the world just to prove that there is no God? I mean, you realize that if there is a God, He’s probably having a good laugh at you right now, right? You’ve dedicated your life to Him just as fervently as a religious zealot. Everything you do revolves around a God that you claim doesn’t exist. You don’t find that a little ironic?”

Lucifer snorted. “This is who I am,” he said. “I have an aversion to bullshit and a need to point it out. Hell, you saw what they tried to pull with Job, right?”

Mercury nodded. “Funny you should mention that...”

But Lucifer ignored him. “They set up Job as some kind of role model, as if all you had to do was go along with a few rules and everything would be hunky-dory. ‘Follow these seven easy steps to guaranteed wealth and happiness!’ Well, I called bullshit.
It doesn’t work that way, and if Heaven had thought things through rather than patting themselves on the back, they’d have realized that. I was the one who pointed out their mistake, their arrogance. If there was any justice, I’d be recognized as the hero of that story!”

Mercury had to admit that Lucifer had a point. The seraphim could be arrogant, shortsighted micromanagers. Mercury had plenty of run-ins with Heavenly hubris himself. Still, what was the point of trying to blow shit up just to see if you could get away with it? Why not make the best of the situation?

There was a knock on the only door in the room, behind Mercury. “Come in!” Mercury yelled.

Lucifer shot a glare at Mercury and walked around him to the door. There was some whispering and then Lucifer returned. “We have a visitor,” he said.

After him walked a wiry, compact man with a stern expression on his face.

“Cain!” Mercury gasped, blood dripping from his chin.

“You two have met?” asked Lucifer, raising an eyebrow.

Mercury nodded. Cain frowned and shook his head.

“That is, we
will
meet,” Mercury explained. “In a few thousand years.”

Cain shrugged at Lucifer, clearly puzzled.

“And you acted like you didn’t know me, you bastard,” said Mercury. “All part of your plan, I suppose. Make me come back here and play whatever part I’m supposed to play to make things turn out just the way they did last time.”

“I have no idea what you’re talking about,” insisted Cain.