Mending Michael (17 page)

Does he want me to get Kenna back so badly he can taste it?

Is it killing him every. Single. Moment. Of every. Day. Because his little three year-old is living with complete strangers?

Does it physically
hurt
him to breathe, knowing that Kenna has no idea why she was thrust out of her home so abruptly?

Does he blame
himself
for not forcing his sister to get help when she might have been less resistant, when he first saw signs that Kenna was in danger of neglect and harm? And within arm’s reach of drugs that could kill her?

What will drive my lawyer to prove how much I love and cherish Kenna, and how much I need her back?

To hear the cases of some these families makes me more depressed. So many of these children
need
to be taken from their homes and put into foster care. It's evident in hearing their parents' speech— slurred, almost incoherent. The nastiness in which they backhand their children right there in court in front of the judge.

But some of them, like me, seem desperate in their plea to have their child returned to them or kept with them just a little longer.

But who am I to make judgments as I sit here listening to these appalling stories? Who is telling the truth? Who is so nervous that they fumble and stutter over their words that they
appear
inebriated? Who has the right to guard these children?

Who has the right to DECIDE who has the right?

At the end of the day, will the judge be confident in the decisions he makes?

Will the right guardian be granted custody?

Will the WRONG one?

My mind is in utter chaos by the time my case is called to the stand. I try to present a convincing presence as I stand beside my lawyer, praying for, hoping for,
expecting
that he finds me a suitable guardian for my niece. I hear his words amidst my prayers, but they're muffled, as if the judge is speaking into his hand. Only he isn't.

I hear intermittent words, like criminal record and aggravated assault. Other words spin around in my head—death, drowning, alcohol abuse, drug addict. I hear these words, but nothing coheres. The walls start moving, closing in. The judge in front of me comes in and out of focus. The thunderous banging of his gavel sets the walls back in their place, and for a moment, I see the bald man in black looking at me warmly. Sympathetically. Intuitively, I turn to Carmine, who has the same condoling expression on his face. My shoulders drop.

"I'm sorry," he mouths, taking me by the back of the arm and gently guiding me back to our seats.

Lara grabs me, her sobs loud in my ear, and wraps her arms around me. "Oh, baby, I'm so sorry."

I pull back and look at her. My arms are cupped around her forearms as I turn again towards Carmine.

"I'll make this right. I promise. We'll appeal," he tells me.

Then all those words I heard up front come back to me. "My criminal record," I pronounce.

"We'll appeal, Mick. We're not finished here. We'll file for visitation rights, then..."

"Wait. I don't even get visitation?"

"Weren't you paying attention, Mick?" Carmine scolds.

Lara turns her hands, and takes mine.

"Because of your assault charge," Carmine exhales, "he doesn't trust you around your niece."

The magnitude of the judge's ruling finally hits me, and I collapse into Lara's arms and cry.

I cry like I haven't cried in a very long time.

I don't know how long I'm in her arms, nor do I remember how they get me from point A to point B, but when my tears eventually dry, I find myself lying down on Lara's couch. My head on her lap.

HOLLY

Going to the courthouse yesterday was a mistake.

What made me think that Mick would need me there?

He had
her
.

I couldn't get the image out of my head. Their embrace. How she naturally, and familiarly, wrapped her arms around him while he cried. It was so obvious, his love for her.
She
was the reason he kept pulling away every time we'd attempt to get close. Lara. His ex-girlfriend. The one he calls on to watch his niece. She's been in his life the whole freaking time. I am so damn stupid. No wonder he is always so hot and cold with me. He obviously still has feelings for her.

Fine. He has feelings for his ex-girlfriend. That doesn't mean it hurts any less to hear the judge tell him he can't see Kenna anymore. Is Mick that dangerous that he's a threat to his niece? The aggravated assault charge? How can that have anything to do with Kenna? The judge said it was a charge from 2010. It's 2014. That's four years ago. Kenna is only three. So unless Mick assaulted a child, why would it have any bearing on whether he should keep Kenna or not? And a drowning in 1998? What would that have to do with Mick? He was only eight in 1998.

I don't like these civil cases. They don't give the defendant a chance to state his case. The lawyer does all the talking. What about Mick? Why wasn't he allowed to defend himself? And what about Kenna? She's only three, but who was telling
her
story? I don't like this whole system. In fact, I hate it. With a passion. It's just... it's just so unfair.

"Holly." Rose's voice is distant, but I know she's sitting right next to me. "What's going on? You're in a whole other world."

"Huh?" I look at Braden and Hurley sitting across from us, then at Rose.

"What's going on?" Braden asks, his hand wrapped around his paper coffee cup.

"Sorry. Just lost in my thoughts. What's going on?"

"We were gonna go to the arcade," Hurley announces.

"What's going on, Holl? You okay?" Rose lays her hand on my thigh.

"Yeah, fine. You're going to the arcade?" I ask her.

She shrugs. "I guess. It's either that or laundry."

"So you in?" Hurley asks impatiently, already standing and clearing his Saturday morning breakfast from the table.

"No homework this weekend, Lee?" I like calling him Lee. It aggravates him. He likes the formality and authority his name Hurley gives him. After all, he is going to school to be a lawyer. A fact he never fails to remind us.

"We have finals next week, but I need a break from studying. Saturday morning's good a time as any," he tells me.

Braden and Hurley lead the way out of the large triangular-shaped coffee shop and into the small arcade that stands two buildings away.

Hurley piles his quarters on top of the pinball machine that Braden gets to first. "I just love pinball." Braden's voice is squeaky and childlike when he pulls back the lever to hit his first ball.

"I know," Hurley says, "I don't know why they are nearly extinct, they're so much fun," he adds, sounding like a child himself.

"Boys." Rose rolls her eyes.

We amble toward a backless wooden bench and sit.

"What happened?" Rose presses. "You're so preoccupied. Is it your new job? You hate it that much?"

Sighing out loud, I admit, "Well, I do and I don't. The money is awesome. It's only an internship, yet I'm bringing home a bucket load. But I do hate what I'm doing. I don't even get it half the time."

"But you're gonna stay there?"

I shrug. "I don't know. That's not what's really bothering me right now though," I concede honestly.

"Then...what?"

"Mick didn't get custody of his niece."

"Oh, Holl, that's terrible. Where she gonna go?"

"I think she stays with that family she's with now. I don't know. She's in their system now. It...just," I stand and pace in front of Rose. "It sucks, Rose. It just...Michael is a wonderful uncle, I mean...so he has an aggravated assault record, it doesn't mean he's gonna hurt..."

"Wait. Michael?"

"Mick."

"Mick? He has a criminal record?"

"Evidently. But it happened before Kenna was born, and I'm sure it has no effect on whether he'd be a good guardian or not."

"Do you know
why
he has an assault charge?"

I sit down again and rub my hands over my face. "No. But still. That poor little girl. Rose. She's with complete strangers. It's..."

"Why is this bothering you so much, Holl. Were you and Mick even that close? Didn't you, like,
hate
him not too long ago?"

"I never hated him. And this has nothing to do with him. A little girl has no family," I say vehemently. "She's with people she doesn't know. Doesn't trust. Her mama is sick, her uncle is..."

"Honey." Both of Rose's hands are on my thigh now. "What is this really about? You hardly know this little girl. What'd you meet her once? What..."

"It's not that. It does bother me. A lot. It physically hurts."

"Really?" she asks, incredulous that I can be hurting over a little girl I barely know.

"Really. And it's not just Kenna. While I was sitting there in back of the courtroom, listening to all those horribly sad custody cases, all I kept thinking was how some of them were just so unfair. Some kids got to stay with parents who were obviously unfit to be parents, but just 'cause they were together, and put on a good show, they got to keep them. Their stories didn't add up, yet...and then… oh my God, there was this one mother who had just lost her job, and she was crying and you just knew she was a good person, but since her husband had all this money he was the one granted custody, and it just..." I have to stop, because I'm crying. I'm crying over these people I don't even know. How is that possible? Unless...unless it's really the whole thing with Mick and his ex, and...I lower my head into my hands.

Rose's hand slides up and down my back. "Holl, I don't understand why this has you so riled."

My head still in my hands, I mumble, "I don't know. Maybe 'cause I saw Mick with his ex-girlfriend."

"And you really like him?"

I look up at her and quirk my lip. "Yeah. I really do."

She continues to rub my back. "Oh, honey. I'm sorry."

"Yeah. Me too."

"I don't get it. You fell for him that fast? I mean, yeah, you kissed him and all, but do you really like him that much?"

I think about this for a minute before answering truthfully. "Yes. I like him a lot."

"And he was with his ex-girlfriend in court?"

"Yup. She was hugging him and everything."

"What did he say when he saw you?" Rose speaks softly, squeezing my thigh.

I inhale a breath of air, expelling the words, "He never saw me. I snuck out before...Oh, Rose. My whole life is shit right now."

Rose shakes her head, lifting her hands in exasperation. "Your whole life, Holl? What are you talking about?"

"My life. My stupid freakishly high-paying job that I hate, my former co-worker who I once hated and now am...fucking in love with, and all those little kids who..."

"Whoa, back up. In love with? Really?"

"I don't know, Rose, but it doesn't even matter. He's back with his ex now...I guess."

"Hey." Braden and Hurley are in front of us now.

"I'm gonna get going," Hurley alerts us. "Gonna go study now, but Donny's tonight?"

Rose darts her eyes at me, and I shrug.

"Oh come on, Holl," Braden whines. "Last weekend you went out with your new coworkers," he says bitterly.

"My new
coworker
happened to be a girl I used to go to high school with, and since I'd stayed in the city to go shopping with my mother, I made plans with..."

"You don't have to explain yourself to him, Holly." Rose shoots Braden a scolding look.

"Thanks, Rose." I look at Braden. "I wasn't dissin' you guys."

"So, you'll come tonight?" Hurley asks.

"Yeah," I assent with no explanation. No need to tell him I'm apprehensive about seeing Mick there. "I'll be there."

Smacking me on the back, Hurley struts out of the arcade. Braden sticks around. "Wanna go get some lunch?" he asks.

"Lunch? We just had breakfast."

"Coffee and a brownie is not breakfast, Holl," Braden admonishes. "I need something filling, like a burger."

Rose and I look at each other and sigh.

"Wanna do laundry tomorrow or something?" she asks me.

"I guess."

"Great. Since we're going to Donny's tonight, wanna go to the diner?"

"Sure."

***

After lunch, Rose and I are able to fit in a load of laundry each, so I'm able to get my gray and white striped cardigan washed and dried in time to wear tonight. Donny's is air-conditioned and gets chilly. Since I'm only wearing my white eyelet tank with my faded ripped 7 For All Mankind jeans, I'll need my cropped cardigan for inside the bar. Slipping into my red patent leather pointed-toe Jimmy Choo pumps that my mom gave me for Christmas this past year, I have second thoughts about going to Donny's. What if Mick's there?
He switched to days, yes, but what if? What do I say to him? It occurred to me earlier, that he doesn't know I was there in court yesterday. He doesn't know I know that he lost custody of Kenna. And I never texted him to ask how it went. So as far as Mick is concerned, I didn't care enough to ask. But I
did
care enough. I cared enough to show up. I cared enough to let it break my heart that he lost his niece. I cared enough to walk away when I saw him with his ex-girlfriend. I cared enough to let it disappoint me to see him with her.

But
he
doesn't know any of this.

So I don't know what to say when I do see him.

Therefore, I'm thinking twice about going to Donny's tonight.

"What's the matter, Holl?" Rose asks when she walks into our room after using the communal bathroom.

"I think I'm gonna pass on tonight," I tell her.