Mended Affections (The Affections Series Book 2) (8 page)

I should leave, but I can't make my feet move. I'm drawn to her. My pulse is thrumming in my ears, and my grip tightens on the door handle. This is wrong; me standing here, staring when she doesn't have a clue I'm in the same room. I can't help but feel guilt over Dalton, but damn, she was mine first. I never let go of my love for her, and this is my chance to finally have back what we once shared. Against my better judgment, I make my way toward her. I take a seat on the edge of the tub, taking one last glance down the length of her body. I adjust myself in my pants; a moan escapes my lips from my own touch. Reaching out, I slowly tug one of her earbuds from her ear.

A gasp sounds across the bathroom, and she jumps, sitting upright, splashing water onto the floor. Her hands come up and cross over her chest, shielding herself from my view.

"What are you doing in here?" Her voice is laced with concern.

"Fuck, I don't know. I was knocking and knocking, but you never answered. I was worried you were in the middle of a panic attack after this morning, so I barged in here. I should have made myself known right away, but..." I'm rambling, trying to find an explanation.

"What do you mean right away? How long have you been in here?" she asks.

I jump to my feet, realizing my mistake. "I didn't realize how I would find you. I swear, but when I came through that door, the view of you laid back in the tub, stopped my brain from functioning, probably because my dick is hard as a rock now."

"STRIKER!" She reprimands me with just the sound of my name.

"Well, shit, Rea. I'd rather acknowledge it, than stand here pitching a tent in my sweats. I feel like an ass as it is." I turn my back to her, raising my arms and interlocking my fingers behind my head. I take a few deep breaths in and out, trying to calm my aroused state. Why did I have to come in here?

"Can you please just hand me a towel?" she asks, her voice laced with embarrassment.

I should feel embarrassed, not her, and while I feel like shit for making her feel awkward, I'm not embarrassed at all. I'm turning my back for her benefit, not mine. If it were up to me, I'd throw all feelings of guilt and shame out the window and take what I want. If it hasn't been clear, I want Rea. I want her by my side, holding my hand. I want her in my bed every night, curled up, and pressed against me. I want her under me, baring all for me to see and take, for her pleasure and for mine. Mostly though, I want her heart back.

Unable to control myself, I grab a towel, turn to Rea, and walk it over until I'm standing in front of her. Her hands still cover her chest, and her legs are crossed in a way that hides the one thing I crave most. "Stand up."

"Striker, please just hand me the towel and go. I'm embarrassed enough." Her face is turning red, and her frustration is evident in her expression.

"I can't." I'm serious. For some reason I'm being compelled to stay here, even though I'm obviously not welcome.  I need to stand my ground and let her know there is no reason to be embarrassed or ashamed around me. The sooner she realizes that we have always been destined to be together, the sooner we can move on with our lives. The lives we are still living and deserve to be happy in. I don't want to let Dalton's memory keep me from doing just that, living.

"Fine," she says, her frustration now turning to anger.

Rea finally stands, letting her arms drop to her sides. Water runs from her skin, as my eyes follow its path, I notice a couple stretch marks along her abdomen, which only add to her appeal. God, I would have loved to have been able to see her pregnant with our son. There are so many things in this world I would trade to go back and be there for her.

"I don't look like I used to if that's what you’re thinking. I've carried three babies; yours being the largest at nine pounds three ounces." Her voice sounds less angry and more playful as she recalls her past.

"No, you don't. I never thought it possible to think this of you." I pause and look up making a connection with her eyes. She looks nervous, and her throat bobs as she takes a hard swallow. Her hand reaches out as she tries to grab the towel. I can't help but move it from her grasp. "You are even more beautiful than you were back then. Over eleven years, I've waited. I've been patient, but I just don't know how much longer I can take this."

Her eyes search mine. That wasn't what she was expecting me to say. As the minutes tick by, her arms cross back over her chest, and her discomfort rises. She thought she had me. She thought by standing here in front of me, covered in nothing but droplets of water from her bath, she would make me uncomfortable enough to leave. Only problem with her theory, she doesn't quite understand yet that I'm not backing down anymore. It's my turn to lead this game.

Her chin drops and she speaks in a whisper, "Please, Striker, can I have the towel? This isn't funny."

I close the small gap between us, placing my fingers under her chin, lifting until her eyes are back on mine. "You see, Rea, I don't think I can." Her eyes begin to fill with tears and her lower lip begins to tremble. "I've waited a really long time. I don't want to wait for you anymore. Can you understand that?"

She slowly shakes her head, squeezing her eyes shut, causing a few stray tears to travel down her face. "I feel the same way, at times. I've missed you desperately since the day you disappeared out of my life, but now it feels wrong."

Taking the towel, I reach behind her and wrap it around her body. She lifts her arms and allows me to cover her. "Come on, Rea, we need to talk."

I hold her hand in mine, guiding her from the tub and out to her room. The room she shared with Dalton. "Are you okay to talk here, or do you want to get dressed and head to my room?"

"This is fine, but I still want to get dressed," she says, walking over to her dresser.

I pull my phone from the pocket in my sweats, to check the time, and notice a text from my aunt. "Shit, you distracted me with your nakedness. My aunt wanted to know if breakfast was better?"

"How about brunch? Breakfast is too soon, and I need a little bit of time to prepare myself before seeing her," she responds, still rummaging through her drawer.

"How about eleven?" I ask.

Rea bends forward, shoving her legs into some jogging pants. I would love to see her stay in that towel but we'd never finish this conversation, and I'm afraid my advances may be a little much for her to handle. "Okay, eleven is fine."

I text my aunt and she immediately responds that eleven is perfect. "Are you sure about today?"

Rea drops the towel, revealing her back to me. I catch her eyes in her dresser mirror, noticing her staring at me, as she raises her arms to slide a shirt over her head sans bra. She's still the same old tease that she used to be.

When we were young, she would wait until we were in public places to subtly tease me until I was completely turned on around masses of people. Most times I could control myself, but other times my control was lacking, and I would drag her off to a secluded area and ravage the shit out of her.

"Remember that time at the mall?" I ask.

She turns in my direction, her lips quirk up at the corners, as she recalls that day.

"You were teasing me relentlessly. No one else noticed how you kept running your hands over your body but me. You drove me out of my mind, and I drug you off to the family restroom. Thank God, you wore that little skirt. It made things a lot easier when I bent you over that sink." I can't help but get turned on by the memory.

She laughs at my recollection. "You were so easy to tease back then."

"Nothing has changed. I'm still just as easy but have more control over myself. But maybe we should talk before I get distracted again." I walk over to the bed, taking a seat on its edge.

I feel the bed dip as Rea takes a seat next to me. "I guess we should. I wish I knew where to begin."

I reach over and thread my fingers through hers, firmly grasping her hand. She doesn't need me to speak. She just needs my support.

"I've learned some things about myself over the last several months. It's freeing, but I also feel so guilty. It's like I'm discrediting the relationship that I shared with Dalton." She's looking down at our joined hands as she speaks. "Why do you think he did it?"

I'm surprised by her question, and I'm not sure what she means. "Did what?"

Rea raises her knee onto the bed and turns to face me. "Never found you for me. I lost a lot more than just you. I lost my best friend. When we got married things changed. I lost the person I could talk to about everything. He knew how much I loved you, and for the last year I've had trouble understanding how he could take advantage of my fragile state like he did."

"We can't blame Dalton for not finding me, Rea. The real question should be, why didn't you find me, or why didn't I come back to you?" I say.

Her eyes grow wide, as she takes in my statement. I don't want to blame him. I should have fought harder for her. She should have fought harder for me. It was our relationship to fight for, not his. He stepped in when I was too lost in my own lack of self-worth to fight for her. I never grieved for my parents in a healthy way, and it took a toll on me.

Her eyes turn down to her hands. "You don't understand; I died inside after you left. I couldn't even get out of bed."

I place a hand on each side of her neck, pulling her forward until our foreheads are pressed together. "We can't keep going back there. Besides, did you ever think that maybe he lost trust in me. He always protected your heart. All I did was break it. Please, let's not blame Dalton, it won't lead us anywhere good."

Her head nods just a fraction. "I feel guilty for feeling that way, but it keeps running through my mind. So many things were wrong back then. I did learn to truly love Dalton as my husband, but I lost who I was along the way," she sniffles and continues. "I don't want that to happen again. I'm afraid that if I give into these feelings I've had since you returned, while I'm still grieving, that I will fall back into the same routine."

Pushing back, I look deeply into her eyes. They are full of turmoil. An ache forms in my chest. I hate that she feels so lost. "I wish I could fix everything for you, and the boys, but I know I can't. I've been here before remember? Trying to work through a loss that makes no sense to a heart that is completely attached to someone taken way too soon. I can't fix your heart for you. It will never be whole, but if you need to find strength in yourself, to find you again, I will never stand in the way of that. I want you, Rea: the strong, sassy woman that I fell in love with, not someone who doesn't know who she is. Only you can figure that out."

Tears pool at the brim of her eyes. I can't imagine what she feels. I've been lost before, but only because I lost her to my best friend. I have never, not understood myself. I use my thumbs to brush her tears away.

"I've been thinking a lot about getting a job outside of the house. It would give me a reason to leave the house on a regular basis, an identity of my own," Rea says, with a hopeful look in her eyes. It's as if I hold the key to her door to some freedom.

"You say that as if you need permission. If you want to work, then you should work. I won't hold you back. I can be flexible with work to be available for the boys. You know, I run things differently than Dalton did. I don't need to be at the job site as often as he felt necessary. Not that we don't love having you here all the time, but we don't need you here every second of every day," I say, hoping she hears the sincerity behind me words.

"Yeah? You wouldn't mind?" Both of her hands reach to wrap around my wrist.

I shake my head, no. "I want you happy."

A smile tugs at her lips, causing her eyes to crinkle slightly at the corners. "I know I made it seem like you're just a best friend to me since you returned, and we worked through our mess, but I've never stopped loving you. It's just hard to figure out how to get back to that, especially when I feel so much guilt over loving you. Dalton talked to me every day about moving on and living life without him. I hated it. Still do, but there was one thing he said that sticks with me and gives me hope."

"Oh, yeah, what's that?" I ask.

She pulls my hands away from her neck, holding them in her lap. "I was so afraid to have Max, because I didn't know how I would be able to love two kids, just the same. I feared I didn't have enough love to go around, but he always told me," she takes a hard swallow and continues, "Love is endless, expandable, it's the one thing that you have control of possessing. You get to choose how much you have, and your heart grows when you need it to, fitting all of that love inside. Love is also the only thing that you can control how far away from you it is felt. If you love someone enough, it never goes away."

There is such truth to these words. Our love has never changed, we may have lost each other for a while, but here we are. I love her just as much as I did in the past. She is the one person I've never been able to forget, and while she loved Dalton, she loves me too. I feel the bed shift, and before I realize what's happening, Rea is straddling my lap. The warmth of her body against mine causes my heart to race, and a chill to break out over my skin. What I wouldn't give to run my hands over every inch of her. I've been so lonely over the years, but she's slowly making her way back to me. It's funny how I waited for what felt like an eternity, back when we were kids, to show her my true intentions with her, and here we are again, I'm trying to patiently wait for the right time to jump back in. I was much more patient back then, but I've had a taste of what we can be together, and I want that back.