Memoirs Aren't Fairytales (11 page)

We passed Eastern Maine Medical Center. That was where my old roommate, Katy, had taken me the morning after the rape and where the doctor had told me what those bastards had done to me. The rape—that was why I'd left Bangor in the first place. Why did I come back here and re-open all these memories? Eric was dead and his funeral was in the morning. Shit. I needed to get high.

Tim lived in a small one-bedroom on the top floor of a converted house. When we got inside, he asked if we wanted to smoke a bowl, and I said we would after we cleaned ourselves up. Renee and I went into the bathroom and ran the faucet so he couldn't hear us. We did a small shot to get straight again, but not too high. I didn't want Tim to know I was using heroin. In high school, we'd smoked hash and opium together, but smack was different. It was the drug that wasn't talked about to people who didn't use.

Tim smoked us up after we mainlined, and it wasn't long before people started showing up to his place. He had said some of the regulars were going to stop by, but I didn't expect a party. The old gang from high school was all here.

Time must have stopped in Bangor. Everyone looked just the same, and Tim told me they were all still dating their high school sweethearts, still working at the mall, and living at home with their parents. Anyone could see I wasn't like them anymore.

Didn't they want better? Bangor was a sad place. There was fun to be had out in the world, and it didn't involve hanging out at Tim's and sleeping in the bedroom you grew up in.

There were at least fifteen people there already, and I heard someone say more were on their way. No one greeted me with hugs when they came in. They said hello and then completely ignored me. I caught stares and snide looks like they didn't know what I was doing here. Maybe they were just surprised by how thin I'd gotten, but that wasn't a reason to blow me off.

Tim had bought a case of beer, and Renee was helping herself, pounding one after another. I'd never seen her drink before, but tonight she was sucking them down. And it wasn't just beer, she was hitting every joint that was passed to her. The strongest drug in this apartment was weed, so I was hitting the joints too. Tim didn't hang out with pill-heads or the kids who did blow. I wished he did. Renee said a speedball—mixing blow and dope—was a crazy rush.

We were all huddled in the living room, and Emily, Eric's ex- girlfriend from junior year, handed me a water bong. I took a hit, and just as I was passing it to Renee, Emily asked me about Eric. The room turned silent and all eyes pointed at me.

“What do you want to know?”

“Did he really die from a heroin overdose?” she asked. She wrinkled her nose when she said heroin, like the word grossed her out.

“That's what I heard,” I said.

“You should know, you were living with him,” Tony said. “So you had to have seen it happen.”

What did they want from me? A confession? They needed someone to blame for his death and because I was here, that person was me.

“I have a job,” I said. “So no, I wasn't there when it happened.”

“Were you?” Emily asked Renee.

“Nope, I was at work too,” Renee said.

Wouldn't they love to know Renee saw the whole thing and to keep herself out of jail, she waited to call 9-1-1. But I'd never tell them that, just like I didn't tell the cops Renee was lying when she gave her statement.

“Eric was addicted to heroin and neither of you knew?” Tony asked.

Both Renee and me shook our heads. I didn't need to convince them I was innocent. These people didn't mean shit to me, and what fucking difference did it make? He was dead. Couldn't they just leave it alone?

“They're lying,” Emily said. “You can't live with someone and not know they're shooting up drugs.”

“Look how thin she's gotten,” Frank said and pointed at me.

“You were doing heroin with him, weren't you?” Ryan asked.

I couldn't take this anymore. I needed to get out and find a quiet place where I could shoot up.

I told Tim we were going to get something to eat and we'd be back later. He said this wasn't Boston, and everything closed at ten. We left anyway. We walked down Broadway and stopped when we got to the park. Broadway Park was the one place in Bangor where I didn't have to hide. There was something about the trees, and flowers, and benches that made me feel like I was back in Boston. Maybe it was because it looked so much like our park, Boston Commons.

Screw this place. And screw Eric too. I never should have come back here, and if it wasn't for that asshole dying, I never would have set foot in Bangor ever again. I was better than all those people at Tim's apartment. In fact, they wanted to be like me, living in the big city and away from my parents. And what was waiting for me in Renee's backpack was fucking perfect.

In the middle of the jungle gym, between the slide and wobbly bridge, was a cubbyhole, and we climbed inside. With our legs crossed, we both fit comfortably and used the light from the full moon to guide the needles into our arms. During the nod that was usually filled with warmth and beautiful pictures, I had a flashback of my last night in college.

Katy and I had arrived at Washburn Apartments for the yearly rager the complex threw to celebrate the beginning of spring. Of course, in Maine it sometimes snowed until May, and this year was no different. The ground was covered in fresh powder, and the temperature was dipping well below thirty degrees. We'd spent hours getting ready to look our cutest for Cody and Katy's boyfriend, Brandon, but the night wasn't kicking off like I had planned. My jacket hid the shirt I'd bought just that morning and my new boots were pinching the crap out of my toes.

Cars were parked on both sides of the road and on the snow- filled lawn, and the three parking lots were full. There had to be over five hundred people there already, and somewhere among them were our friends we were meeting. The boyfriends had all gone to Portland to watch the Sea Dogs game and weren't due back until midnight, so we had a few hours to catch a buzz.

Katy and I found the nearest keg and stood in line to buy a cup.

“Having fun yet?” a voice said in my ear.

I turned around and my friend Ben from biology class was standing behind me with three full cups in his hands. He handed one to both Katy and me.

“Thanks, Ben, how'd you score these?” I asked.

“My goal is to get all the pretty girls drunk tonight.”

“Well you got any bud,” Katy said. “You might as well get us high too.”

Ben was never without weed, and sometimes we'd buy from him when our regular connection was dry.

“Come with me,” he said with a big smile.

We followed him towards a row of townhouses and stopped when we reached the front steps of his apartment. He pulled out a blunt from his pocket and passed it to me after it was lit.

“Where's your boy?” he asked.

I told him the guys had gone to the baseball game and were coming to the party after.

“He still let you come with all the vultures around here?”

Katy and I laughed.

When the blunt was down to a nub, Ben left us to get more beer.

“What do you think, should we find the crew?” Katy asked.

Blunts got me extra high. Every time I smoked one I felt like I was floating. We'd smoked a bowl in the car on the way to the party, and now I was pretty much locked up.

Standing on the steps, I looked out to the crowd and felt like I was a blade in a field of grass. There was no way we were ever going to find our friends.

“Call Mathy's cell and see where she's at,” I said.

“I did,” she said. “She didn't answer.”

I didn't want to move. Couldn't the girls find us?

“Stop being lazy, come on,” she said and pulled my hand, leading me through the mosh pit.

I stopped drinking after my second beer. It was too damn cold outside to put anything icy down my throat, plus my stomach was a little upset. I felt it gurgling, though it wasn't from being hungry because I'd eaten before we came.

A pair of arms slid around my waist, and warm lips kissed the skin between my collar and scarf. I didn't have to look to know it was Cody. I could smell the woodsy scent of his cologne.

“Did you miss me?” he whispered.

From just the sound of his voice, tingly sparks shot into my belly. We'd only been dating for four months, but it felt much longer than that. We had this sexual attraction that I'd never had with anyone else before, and when I was in his arms, I was so turned on.

“More than you know,” I said.

I didn't want to just feel his lips on my neck, I wanted to taste them too. He took my hand and twirled me around. On my tiptoes, I hugged his neck and kissed his mouth. His skin was hot, and the minty flavor of his toothpaste stung my tongue.

“How was the game?” I asked.

“It was fun, wait till you hear this,” he said and pointed at Barry. “Barry, tell the girls what happened on the way home.”

I'd forgotten anyone else was around us. Katy had her arms tucked inside Brandon's jacket, and Barry was holding Mathy. Everyone laughed but me as Barry told the story. I couldn't concentrate, everything around me was starting to spin.

Cody noticed something was wrong and put his hands on my face. “Baby, you okay?”

My stomach was more than gurgling now, it was churning. And my mouth was watering like I was going to be sick.

“Just cold,” I said. “I need something to drink, want me to get you a beer?”

“I'll come with you.”

“No, stay, I'll be right back,” I said and jogged away, heading for the side parking lot by the dumpsters.

I didn't want Cody to see me puke. We weren't at a point where we were showing each other our bodily fluids. I knew I'd be fine once I got out whatever was hurting my stomach and then I'd rejoin the group. Maybe I'd even tell him I wasn't feeling good and I'd go back to my dorm room to sleep.

Halfway to the dumpster, the food rose to the back of my throat and I took off running with my hand over my mouth. Behind the dumpster, I lost it all. The dinner we ate and the two beers, it all came out.

My stomach was still churning, my head was foggy, and the rest of my body was sweating. I sat on the ground, the snow soaking into the butt of my jeans. The spins were getting worse, so I put my head between my knees, trying to make it stop. Behind my lids were circles of blackness like I had rubbed my eyes too hard, but I hadn't touched them.

“Give her another minute,” I heard someone say.

“Cody?”

I heard laughing. Two different voices and they were deep.

“Cody, is that you?”

And then all I saw was blackness.

When I woke up, my body was stiff and my muscles ached like I had the flu. I was freezing and reached for the blanket, but my hand grabbed only a fistful of air. Where was my comforter?

Even with my lids closed, I could still feel the brightness around me. Had Katy forgotten to shut the blinds?

I sat up to look for my blanket and opened my eyes slowly so they'd adjust to the light. The sun almost blinded me.

Where was our dorm room? Why the hell was I outside, surrounded by woods and sitting on a mound of snow? My pants were next to me in a clump, my jacket was unzipped, and my shirt was torn at the bottom.

Panic ran through every part of me. I didn't know where I was. And I didn't know why I was half naked.

Scrambling to my feet as fast as I could, I yanked my jeans over my boots and took off running. The button on my jeans was missing and the zipper was broken, so while I staggered through the snow, I held the waist to keep them on.

There were footprints in the snow. I thought if I followed them, they'd lead me to somewhere I recognized.

The heel of my boot broke off from stumbling over twigs. My nose was running. The wind was making my eyes water, and it was hard to see where I was going.

There was a swishing noise up ahead and the trees started to clear. Cars? Cars swished, right? Something was swishing.

A branch hit my face. I tasted blood on my lips.

A road. A main road with more than one lane.

I tripped over a big rock. Both my body and pants fell at the same time. I needed to haul myself back up. I was almost at the road. But so tired.

At the clearing, I saw the street, and across the way was the University of Maine sign. I was fifteen minutes away from our dorm.

I crossed the four lanes of traffic without looking both ways. Cars honked. My pants slid down my waist and every step pounded my muscles like I was lying on a bed of nails.

My other heel broke off at the beginning of Long Road. Cumberland Hall was at the bottom of the hill.

I wheezed from the cold and strain. My toes cramped from the pointy-toed boots.

Someone was leaving Cumberland Hall. “Wait,” I shouted.

They held the door and I pushed my way through. Our shoulders hit, and the person yelled, “Ouch, watch it.”

I bolted up the two flights of stairs and down the hall to our room. Our door wasn't locked and I threw myself into the room.

“Where the hell have you been?” Katy asked. She closed her textbook and put it on the bed.

She was tucked under the covers. The TV was on. The shades were closed and my eyes still hurt.

“I… I don't know,” I said and rubbed my forehead with both hands. Without holding the waist, my pants dropped to my ankles.

She gasped. “Nicole, your jeans, and, and your legs, they're covered in blood.”

She was right. I wasn't wearing any underwear, and my thighs were caked with dried blood.

“I woke up in the woods,” I said and lifted my head to meet her eyes.

She shook her head. “We looked for you all night.”

“I got sick by the dumpsters and then…” I tried to remember what happened after I sat down on the snow. “I don't, I don't know, Katy, I don't remember anything.”

She jumped out of her bed and pulled on her boots and jacket. “We're going to the hospital.”

I closed my eyes when we got in her car, and when I opened them again we were at Eastern Maine Medical Center.

The doctor was trying to be gentle, but every time she touched my crotch, it burned. Her head rose from between my legs, and said she'd be back with the test results.