Megan's Way (30 page)

As she paced, a thought came to her—a thought
that was so treacherous, she couldn’t believe she had it—and yet
she could not dismiss it, either.
Should I? Could this be the
solution?
She walked tentatively over to Alissa Mae’s
bassinette and laid Olivia’s body next to Alissa Mae. The
resemblance was uncanny—Holly realized that without the name tag,
which noted the one ounce difference in the babies’ weights, she
could not tell the two babies apart—identical tufts of blonde hair
sprouted like wayward grass under the edges of their caps, the same
little pink lips, and remarkably, the same deep dimples. The only
difference being that one baby’s chest moved up and down with each
breath, while the other lay motionless.

The sound of a duck landing on the water
brought Holly’s mind back to the present. Her mind swam with the
inability to come to a decision about her past.

If she were to tell Jack what she had done,
he would never forgive her. What about Olivia? Olivia’s life would
again be in turmoil if she learned the truth, and as it was, she
was just barely beginning to come to grips with Megan’s death.
Megan
.

She could never repair the damage she had
done to Megan. She could only hope that Megan understood that she
could not have raised her baby.
What would you have done, Meg? I
didn’t know if my baby was Jack’s or Peter’s!
Tears sprang from
Holly’s eyes.

Peter. Oh my God. What about Peter? What
if Alissa Mae was
his
daughter?

She sat up abruptly.
Okay. That’s it. I
can’t tell anyone. What’s done is done. I can’t tell Olivia, and
Jack and Peter don’t need to know. It would only hurt them. And
what would they think of me? Of my deceiving them? It’s better left
unsaid
.

Holly played with her wedding ring. ���enough
of this,” she said out loud. “Megan is gone. I have to carry on. I
have Olivia back—Alissa Mae—Olivia.” She stood and brushed off her
jeans.

She paced along the dock. “Am I right, here?
is this the right thing to do?” Her arms moved as if she were
speaking to an audience.

“Whatever I decide, it has to be right. It
cannot be changed.” She stopped. “Yes. Okay. This is right.” She
began pacing again, speaking into the warm air. “Megan, I am sorry
I tricked you into raising Alissa Mae, but I couldn’t be a mother.
I wasn’t ready. I didn’t know if Jack and I would make it, much
less if I could be a mother and a wife. I knew you could be a great
mother—and you were a great mother. I did the right thing. I’m
sorry you didn’t get to mourn for your Olivia, but maybe I saved
you some pain. And Jack, if I tell you now, I could lose you. I am
not willing to risk that. Peter, well, Peter, I’m just sorry all
around.”

They sat solemnly around the fire, the air
quiet and still save for the flames. Holly was glad that they had
decided to do the goodbye ceremony in her back yard instead of
Olivia’s. She was worried that reliving the ritual in her own
backyard would be too much for Olivia to bear.

Olivia had asked about including Jason in the
ritual, though as she asked the question, she knew it was not the
right thing to do. Holly told her that the decision was hers.

As Olivia looked at her mother’s friends
gathered as they had been the night of her death, she was glad she
had decided to tell Jason that it was a family event, but that he
did mean a lot to her. Luckily, he had understood.

She sat next to Jack and was glad that he was
there, especially since he had missed her mother’s last ritual.
Peter and Holly had fawned over her all evening, asking if she was
sure she was ready to do the ritual and say goodbye and assuring
her that her mother had loved her. Olivia appreciated their
concern, but found it harder to make it through with all of that
attention. She was glad they were beginning the ceremony and that
she was able to escape the microscope.

Olivia reached behind her for her mother’s
hippie bag, brought it to her face, and smelled the familiar scent
of her mother swirling into her nose. She smiled, glad that she had
remembered to ask Holly to retrieve it from the house.

She handed the bag to Holly and took it upon
herself to take Holly’s former position as the one in charge of the
music. She pressed the Play button and hoped silently that with the
music, her mother would appear.

Holly took the bag from Olivia with a heavy
heart. She had been so consumed with making sure Olivia was alright
and preparing the ceremony that she had lost sight of what they
were really preparing for. With Megan’s bag in her hands and the
familiar group around the fire, her mind returned to the reason
they were there—the final goodbye to her most treasured friend.

The circle of friends didn’t feel right
without Megan to lead them. Holly’s voice caught in her throat as
she tried to speak. Tears welled in her eyes.
How can I possibly
live up to Megan’s ability to lead our ritual? How did she start it
again?

Holly’s mind drew a blank. She could not
remember the words that Megan used to open the ceremony. Were they
the same words each time? She felt insufficient. She was not worthy
of this position of honor. The cool air pressed against her. Her
heart pounded and cold sweat formed on her brow.

Jack reached over and laid his hand on
Holly’s arm. “Hol? Are you alright?” he asked.

Her eyes were laden with sadness and
confusion. Did he see fear, too? She tilted her head, as if she
could not understand the words Jack spoke.

“Holly?” Jack asked again, rising slowly and
moving toward her.

“I’m okay,” she managed, breathing heavily.
“I didn’t expect—”

Olivia watched Holly and knew she was not
alone in her fear of saying goodbye.

Holly closed her eyes and envisioned Megan.
Breathe. Breathe
. She took a deep breath, letting it out
slowly. The music sifted through the air.
I can do this. I have
to do this
. She opened her eyes and nodded toward Jack who was
by her side. “I’m okay, really. I just got a little overwhelmed,
that’s all.”

“It’s okay, Hol. Do you want to wait?”

“No!” Holly and Olivia said at precisely the
same time. Their eyes met, and a look of understanding passed
silently between them.

“It’s okay, Jack. I can do it now. I’m
sorry.” Holly patted Jack’s hand. “We’re good.” She turned toward
Olivia.

“Right, Livi?”

Olivia nodded, the ends of her lips neared a
smile.

Peter, Jack, Holly, and Olivia sat hand in
hand and cross legged. Their faces warmed by the fire, their eyes
closed.

“Thank you for bringing us together once
again, oh

Holy one,” Holly began.

“Our circle has been…altered, as Megan is
with You now. We are thankful that You took her peacefully, though
her absence is felt in every breath we take.”

Olivia wiped a tear from her cheek.

Holly held a purple flower in her right hand,
against her heart. “Meggie, how much I miss you. You were taken too
soon from us, and yet you are still here. I feel you. I hear you. I
even talk to you, but you know that.” She breathed a little
laugh.

“Thank you for Olivia. Jack and I love her
tremendously.” Tears streamed down her cheeks. Her hands shook. “I
love you, Meggie. You are my sister, and I miss you.”

Four soft amens floated into the air. Holly
kissed her flower and placed it in the fire.

Megan’s view was blurry, as if she were
looking through a very old glass window that had bubbled and warped
with age. Her form had faded since her passing, barely visible. She
felt lighter, not just in her physical being, but her mind seemed
lighter as well. It was difficult for her to process thoughts. She
understood what she saw, but she could control her cognition less
as time wore on. She felt a little like she was able to view but
was not able to think or feel.

Jack’s heart beat faster as he thought of
what he wanted to say. How could he consolidate his feelings for
Megan, his questions about Olivia, and the emptiness he felt? How
could he portray the chasm that Megan had left in his world without
hurting Holly any more than what she already experienced?

His voice was just above a whisper, deep and
solemn. “There are some friends who are always there for you, even
when they are not present. There are others that are always
present, and yet, somehow never there. You, Megan, were the queen
of the first. You were the friend who touched one’s heart, lifted
one’s spirit, and eased uncomfortable situations. You, Megan, were
a miracle. I love you and know that when it is my turn to leave
this earth, you will be there, ready to fill me in on the goings on
in heaven and show me a mural that only you could paint. Until that
time, Megan, I say goodbye.”

Jack placed his flower into the fire. Sparks
popped lightly as they lifted toward the sky.

Peter took a loud, deep breath. The air
escaped his lungs just as loudly as it had gone in. Tears sprang
from his eyes when he opened his mouth to speak. He closed his eyes
and thought of Cruz.
Be strong, Peter. You can do this
.

“I feel so much gratitude toward you, Megan,
that it is really difficult to put into words. You always
encouraged me to be myself, not to let others judge me, and to
stand up tall with regard to my feelings, yet you didn’t let me
wallow in my mother’s leaving me. You taught me that it was okay to
let Cruz in.” He began to sob. Jack and Olivia both reached out to
him. He shook them off.

“I only regret that I didn’t listen before
you were gone. I was so selfish!” His voice grew louder.

Holly and Jack watched, helpless to comfort
him from his guilt.

“You gave me the strength to love Cruz, and
now… now…you aren’t here to see how happy it made me. I’m so sorry,
Megan.” His shoulders and head bobbed as he sobbed into his hands.
The flower he was holding dropped to the ground. “I’m sorry. I’m so
sorry,” he wept.

“Peter,” Olivia’s shaky voice brought his
eyes to hers. “Mom knows how happy you are. She’s here.” She looked
up toward the sky. “I can feel her. She’s here. She knows.” The
lump in Peter’s throat kept him from speaking.

He nodded, his sad eyes pleaded forgiveness
from Megan’s daughter. He hoped to someday have a child of his
own—a child as sensitive and insightful as Olivia.

He took another deep breath. “I love you,
Megan.” He tossed his flower into the flames.

In unison, a relieved amen floated to the
sky.

Olivia’s stomach was on fire. Her head felt
dizzy and tears streamed down her cheeks. She put her hand in her
right pocket and pulled out a folded piece of paper.

Holly’s heart jumped to her throat. Panic ran
through her.
Is that—?

The paper crinkled as she unfolded it, its
blue lines and the three holes punched in the side revealed
themselves.

Holly sighed.
Thank goodness!

The paper shook in Olivia’s fingertips. She
stared at it, as if it might do a trick. She found her voice in a
whisper. “I wrote this for my mom. I hope you guys don’t think

It’s stupid.”

Her mother’s friends smiled. Holly reached
for Olivia’s hand. It trembled in her own. She squeezed it, hoping
to give her comfort and strength. “Go on, baby girl.”

Olivia read, her face wet with tears, her
shoulders trembled, and yet her voice did not waiver.

“Dear Mom.” She lifted her eyes and saw the
other faces watching her with eager anticipation and support— lots
of support.

“I don’t know why you are gone. I don’t know
why god took you so early, when I needed you here, but I think he
must have needed you more than he thought I did.”

“I don’t want you to worry about me. I’m
okay. We are selling our house but not because I want to, I sort of
have to. Otherwise, I can’t think of anything other than being
there and waiting for you to come back.” Olivia’s throat began to
close as a sob escaped her lips. She sucked in air, spitting out
her words quick and strong. “I’m okay. I can do this.”

“Anyway, Mom, um, I will do well in school
and make you proud. I don’t know what I want to be when I grow up,
but I know I will do something that you would approve of and be
proud of. You taught me to think outside of the box.” She looked at
Holly. “I hated when she used to say that!” She flashed a crooked
smile, then bent her head to read.

“I’ll be good for Jack and Holly who already
feel like parents to me.” Heat rushed up her cheeks as she said,
“Jack is like my real dad.”

Holly covertly eyed Jack, who sat teary eyed
and silent, watching Olivia speak with his heart on his sleeve.

“And Holly is like you, Mom. She’s not you.
god, no one could be you, but she’s like you.”

“I’m sorry I went through your room. I
understand things now, Mom, things we didn’t talk about. It’s okay.
I get it. I think you were right to keep it to yourself.”

Holly’s heart skipped a beat. She looked
questioningly from Olivia to Peter, who shrugged, and Jack, who
lifted his eyebrows.

“I love you, Mom.” Sobs wracked her trembling
body. She covered her face, the note slipping from her fingers to
the ground.

“I can’t say it!” she yelled between her
fingers and tears. “I can’t say goodbye. I can’t! I don’t want
to!”

Holly was quick to wrap her arms around
Olivia. “Baby, it’s okay. You don’t have to. You have said enough.”
She turned to Jack.

“Maybe we shouldn’t have planned this,” Jack
said. Olivia broke out of Holly’s arms, shaking her head.

“No! We had to! I have to do this!” She
picked up the note and stood on quivering legs. Holly was by her
side, confused and hurting for Olivia.