Meeting Max (7 page)

She’s coming to her senses. Keeping the baby would ruin our future plans.

“That has to be your decision,” Rick advised calmly.

“Well, I’m thinking about giving it up. It’s the only way. How do I visit my parents at Christmas? What if they want to visit me?”

“If you make the decision to give up the baby, that will be your choice and I will support it. Take your time and think about it again over the next few days. Nothing is an emergency. We will figure it out.”

“I did think about it. Giving the baby up for adoption is the
only
choice.”

“Okay, I respect your decision. We have to find out where and how to do it, Julie. Maybe it’s better doing it out of state. We could always explain away the reasons why you can’t go home for the holidays. I doubt they’ll want to come here.”

“Let me be the one to take care of the details. It will be painful enough, but I want to do it my way and by myself. I’ll find out what I have to do and where I have to go. Maybe it’s the mother in me speaking, but I feel strongly about making all the decisions about our baby. Still, you’re the father. Is that all right with you?”

“Yes, of course. Do what you feel is right. I will be there for you. Only you know what it feels like having a baby inside you.”

It was the saddest thing Rick could think of doing, giving up their love child. When the baby grew up, he or she would never know anything about them. He wondered what the child would look like many years into the future and hoped it would be a girl and look like Julie.

***

Christmas was almost upon them. Julie telephoned her parents and told them she wouldn’t be home for the holidays because she still had some lingering pain from her broken ankle and the orthopedist wanted her to be close by so he could monitor her recovery for a few more weeks.

It seemed like a lame excuse, but her parents bought it. Julie was picked up by a driver from an unwed mother’s home and taken to New Jersey to await the baby’s birth. The baby would be born at a nearby hospital toward the end of the Christmas holiday.

Rick thought it strange that Julie wanted to make the arrangements on her own and not tell him where she was going, but he trusted her implicitly. She called him from where she was staying and told him she was all right and getting good care.

Christmas passed and the baby arrived on New Year’s Eve, a birth date that could never be forgotten.

Julie called. “Rick, it’s a boy, seven pounds three ounces, and we’re both doing fine.”

“How do you feel? Can I come and see you? I love you.”

“I love you more.” Her voice was weak. “They don’t allow visitors. I am feeling good, a little sore down there, and tired, but it was a short labor and he’s a healthy boy. I named him Eric John, after my father.”

“Nice. Does he get to keep that name when he’s adopted?”

“I’m not sure. I miss you so much.”

“I miss you too. I can see you smiling.”

“I am, I really am. I guess you
can
see me. I’m smiling for you, but there’s more to tell you.”

“What?”

“I’ll tell you when I get home. They said they would drive me back in three days and then I have to take it easy for a while.”

“I know. I’ll spoil you like no girl has ever been spoiled.”

“I’m not a girl anymore. I’m a woman now. I have to go to sleep. They’ll be bringing Eric in later, but I have to sleep for a while.”

“Okay, love you.”

“Love you too. Kiss.”

Chapter 8

Julie came home near the evening a few days later. Rick held her in his arms, kissed her, and glanced down to look at her smaller tummy. It still showed somewhat of a bulge.

Julie was tired. She tumbled into bed and Rick soon followed. They kissed and cuddled for a while until Julie fell into a deep sleep.

Morning came. Rick opened his eyes as the bright sunlight slipped through the slats of the wooden shutters. His arms were still around Julie’s swollen breasts. He looked at her as she slept, calm and peaceful like an angel, and watched her eyes flutter open.

She looked at Rick, yawned, and leaned over to kiss him. She still appeared a little sleepy, not quite ready to greet the day, but she put Rick’s hand to her lips, kissed it, and held it there as she looked up at him.

They each showered and dressed. Julie looked beautiful and well-rested. Rick made breakfast—fresh squeezed orange juice, scrambled eggs, warm croissants, and dark, bold coffee.

“Rick, let’s get married,” she blurted.

“We will, honey.You know that.”

“I mean now.”

“What do you mean by now?”

“I mean soon. I just had your baby. I held him in my arms and snuggled with him. When I was at the birthing home, I imagined keeping him and dreamed we would have him with us always. He was so cute with his black hair like yours and my blue eyes…a combination of both of us. I want to get married now, Rick.” Suddenly she looked angry. “It was wrong to give him up. We both know that.”

Rick lowered his head. “I know how you feel.”

“No, you don’t know how I feel!” she snapped. “How could you? I carried him in my body. I brought him into this world. I was a mother, his mother, and I loved him from the moment I held him. He was yours and mine. I had seventy-two agonizing hours to change my mind and I was tortured by that. You could never understand. I thought of you and cried. How could you
know
what it was like for me? How could you ever know?”

Rick sipped his coffee as he looked down. He didn’t know what to say. Maybe it
was
wrong to do what they did, but they’d had no other choice. All he could do now was listen to her.

“We
can
get married now,” she repeated. “What difference would it make? We know we want to be together. When Eric was in my arms, I only knew one thing. He was
our
baby. When the stupid realization set in that he was going to be taken away from me, I screamed out loud and couldn’t catch my breath.

“Our plan to give him up was all about
us,
Rick. Don’t you see? It was all about us, and nothing about him. What would he have wanted? It was selfish. I didn’t know you were like that, so insensitive,” she added bitterly, her lips trembling.

“Julie, I feel your pain, I really do. I understand,” he said, knowing she was in no mood to believe that.

“You keep saying you understand, but you’re not a woman! How could you ever know?” she shouted, her voice taking on a shrill tone. “I think we should get married now, share our lives together, and keep
all
our babies.”

“What about your parents? And me being Jewish, and—”

“I think my mom would have understood. She’s a mother. Now I really know what that means. You’re not religious anyway, so you can convert and we can bring our kids up Catholic. Then the church and everyone will be happy.”

“That’s your solution? For us to all be Catholic and we’ll live happily ever after? This is too much for me. You know I love you and always will. Let’s take a break. We did the right thing and you know it.”

“Whatever,” she said angrily, her face soaked with tears. She walked into the bedroom and slammed the door.

Rick waited a while. He had another cup of coffee, then tapped gently on the bedroom door and walked in. Julie sat stooped in an armchair, staring at her knees. The flowered cardigan she wore was bright and cheerful, a stark contrast to the flashes of anger and sorrow that crossed her moist eyes. Tears fell along her cheeks. Rick wanted to comfort her, but he didn’t know how.

“We did the right thing,” he said weakly, uncertain he believed his own words.

Her head snapped up and she glared at him. “The right thing? Do you know what it’s like to give birth and have your baby taken from you?” She stood slowly, and then walked from the room. “No, you don’t. How could you?”

***

A few weeks passed. Candlelight glowed at their bedside. Julie said nothing, but Rick knew it was a signal she wanted to make love. They kissed, felt each other, and lost themselves in their passion, where they felt no pain and no anxiety. Julie’s detachment forced Rick to act the same. Their bodies erupted into one strong burst of sexual release. Then they turned away, closed their eyes, and felt nothing.

The tenderness of affection they once shared after making love was gone. What remained was Julie’s desire for passion. Nothing more, only the empty feelings that resulted from lust without love.

Months went by. Nothing had changed. Julie was still overcome with depression. She lost her appetite and couldn’t sleep. Her face was drawn and pale.

One night, they had an early dinner and walked to Washington Square Park. They sat on their usual bench across from NYU, but hardly talked. It was a beautiful evening, a little cool for spring, but the brisk breeze was refreshing.

“I did a lot of thinking about you when I was in the birthing home,” Julie said, lowering her head.

“I thought of you too. I felt we were still connected.”

Julie heaved a sigh. “How do you see our future, Rick?”

“I always think of us together. I never want to be without you.” Rick reached for her hand.

“ Let’s get married. Why wait?”

“Honey, don’t you think it makes sense to finish school? If we had another baby too soon, it would slow us down.”

“Why would having a baby be a problem? We already made that mistake. I don’t think it makes any difference.”

“Well, what about your mother and your family? I’m still Jewish.”

“You said you don’t believe in it anymore. You could just go through a few details, become Catholic, and do some of the things the church is asking. You don’t have to believe any of it, and we can do what we want. That will satisfy my mom. Besides, you said you would do anything.”

“You want me to become Catholic?”

“You said you gave up being Jewish, so what difference would it make?”

“I never said I gave up being Jewish. I
am
Jewish. I’ll always be Jewish. I just don’t believe in God.”

“That doesn’t make any sense and you know it,” Julie argued.

“Not everything has to make sense.”

“Do you want to get married or not? Just tell me.”

“Julie, I love you more than anything, but…”

“It’s always I love you,
but
…” Her eyes brimmed with tears. “Just tell me yes or no, and if you don’t know, that’s pretty sad.”

“I do want to marry you when we finish school.”

“Damn, what difference would it make to wait if we both want to get married?”

“It makes a big difference. We just went through a tough time.”

“You mean
I
went through a tough time. I watched Eric go through the door on the shoulder of a nurse, out of my life forever. It wouldn’t have happened if we were married. I didn’t have to go to New Jersey. That was your decision, not mine...yours! You just don’t want to get married. Admit it.”

“Julie, we never talked about getting married so soon.”

“You don’t want to commit. Is it love or lust, Rick? Tell me. Be honest. Do we only have some kind of sex-soaked romance? Is that all you want? Tell me now!”

“Damn it!” Rick said, slamming his fist on the bench. “I have to take a break from this. I can’t believe you’re questioning my love and saying what you just did. I want what’s best for us. I don’t want to lose you, but for God’s sake, we have to have a solid plan for our future. Doing the right thing means finishing school first. I love you more than anything.” He hung his head, resigned. “Marriage now? I don’t know. I’ll think about it.”

“That’s all I ask.”

Rick spent the next few days really thinking about it. He tried to see things from Julie’s point of view. They were both young, barely twenty, and still had a good part of their education ahead of them. Money wouldn’t be a problem if they did get married. Rick’s father would support them until Rick completed his education, no matter how long it took.

The days of the two of them walking down Minetta Lane and enjoying the simplicity of it all would be gone. It would be about diapers, a crying baby, and homework. Their lives would not be their own.

***

Time passed. Rick waited for some turning point that would bring them back to the loving feelings they once shared, but things were drastically different, and Julie backed away when he tried to kiss her.

One morning, during breakfast, Julie broached the subject of marriage again. Rick went through his usual stance of waiting until he had his PhD.

Julie reached across the table, held his hand, and spoke slowly in a low tone, “Rick, we don’t want the same things, and I need distance to separate from you. I’ve decided to move to California.”

Neither of them were able to compromise, and a few days later, she was gone.

Rick’s emotional pain was agonizing. He had let her go and was tortured by images that someone else would have her. He was still in love with her, but perhaps, he was in love with the memory of what he’d lost and the beautiful love they had once shared.

A year later, Rick received a surprise phone call from Julie on his birthday. She sounded good, and he was happy for her.

They kept in touch from time to time over the years. Neither of them ever married. Julie received advanced degrees at Stanford and became a therapist specializing in the treatment of battered women. Rick got his PhD in biology from NYU and was now a full professor.

When Rick and Julie spoke on the phone they talked about getting together, but their lives had already moved in different directions. Eric’s name always entered the conversation, and they vowed to find him one day. Rick sometimes felt a twinge of pain when he walked the Village streets each day, in their footsteps. He reminisced about sitting with Julie near frost-covered windows, eating cheeseburgers and sipping cappuccinos.

After all these years, he still felt it was a mistake not to marry her. He thought of Eric each New Year’s Eve and felt remorse for giving his son up for adoption.

He was reminded of Julie’s words at the end of the majority of their conversations: “We have to find him, Rick. We have to find Eric.”

Rick always added, “We will, Julie. We will,” but no search took place. They had already moved past that point in their lives.