Meant To Be (33 page)

Des walked Emily to the front door while Enid made her way to the door off the kitchen into the garage.

‘Bye Dad,' she said into her father's neck as he hugged her goodbye. She waved to her mother backing out of the driveway as she got into her car and then waved again to Des, who was still standing on the front step as she pulled away from the kerb.

Emily considered stopping in the next street to check the little white stick, but the last thing she needed was Enid or one of their neighbours pulling up alongside her and asking what she was doing. She couldn't exactly claim she was looking at a map for directions.

As she drove back to the farm, she thought about going straight out to David and Barbara's to see Jake and have them see the result together. But she didn't want to distract him from his work for their dear friends in their time of need.

And, anyway, did the result stay on the little stick indefinitely or go away after a while? The last thing she needed was to have to squat in the middle of the paddock to use the second tester. No, she'd find out for sure and tell Jake later.

Back in her own kitchen, Emily dumped her bag on the table, unzipped it, pulled out the wad of tissues and unwrapped it. She stared at the two pink lines, trying to remember what that meant. She reached into her bag for the box, struggled, and then gave it a good tug. It flew from her hands and fell on the floor. She bent down to pick it up and then banged her head on the underside of the table as she stood back up. She almost laughed. The universe clearly didn't want her to know the result.

Finally she calmed down, sat back on the chair, and compared the picture on the box to the plastic tester. She looked from the box to the tester a few times to make sure, and then stared at the stick.

Two pink lines. She was pregnant.

Emily wasn't sure how she felt, other than numb. At least the nausea seemed to have gone away in all the excitement.
Uh-oh, spoke too soon.
She put a hand to her mouth and bolted to the toilet. This time she actually threw up.

She flushed the loo and washed her face in the bathroom next door. As she did, she stared at herself in the mirror. What was she expecting to see? That she looked completely different as a result of what she'd just learned? Probably. She laughed at her ridiculousness. Sure, one pee on a little white plastic strip had totally changed her life. But she didn't actually look any different than she had five minutes ago. She was almost disappointed. Where was the radiant glow? She went back to the kitchen and put the kettle on, as much for something to do as wanting to actually consume anything. As the machine hissed into life, she thought about the magnitude of what she had just learnt.

Was she ready to be a mother? At the barbeque back in February, she'd held Steve and Grant's babies and just felt paranoid about dropping them. She'd felt nothing remotely like maternal stirrings inside her. So, no, she probably wasn't ready.
But who is?
Did she want a child?
Maybe.
Though the timing wasn't exactly perfect. In a few months she was opening a gallery and would be run off her feet keeping track of a new business.
The timing is never perfect.

‘You'd better be a quiet one, or else Mummy won't cope,' she told her stomach. ‘Lots of sleeping, little one.'

She thought of her own mother, wondered how Enid had felt when she had learnt about her pregnancy with Emily. But
of course that was different. She had been married.
She'll have a fit at me getting pregnant out of wedlock.
Would Enid be the cold, children-should-be-seen-and-not-heard style of grandmother, or would she surprise them all and be the warm, doting mother figure Emily had never had?
Like Gran.

‘Oh, Gran, I wish you were here,' she said, looking up towards the ceiling.

What sort of mother will I be? What sort of parents will
we
be?

She suddenly had the overwhelming urge to tell Jake.

Emily drove through Barbara and David's yard, past the house and the shearing shed and on down to where she saw her bright shiny blue ute parked near some equipment a couple of hundred metres ahead in a small paddock of old silvered stubble. The place was eerily quiet, like a ghost town. She reached over and patted Grace beside her for comfort.

For about the hundredth time that day she crossed her fingers and hoped all would be well. The wait for news from Adelaide was excruciating. She could only imagine how Barbara and David must be feeling while they waited on test results and doctors' opinions.

She made her way slowly, not much more than walking pace, letting the car roll down the slight decline, following the smooth, worn earth track cut deep from sheep and vehicle movement over the years. Jake's green tractor was creeping its way along the far side of the next paddock. It must be a big paddock; he was only on his first lap. She didn't want to sit for too long pondering and worrying about Barbara and David, and how Jake might react to her news. But she had no choice. She'd have to hope he'd see her car and pull
up. She didn't want to phone and disturb him – especially when he was on his first lap and needed to get the far edge of the wide machine as close as possible to the fence without hitting it. She wouldn't have minded letting sleeping dogs lie – another favourite saying of Gran's – but that wasn't an option either.

The rational part of her knew he'd be fine – he'd said he wanted kids one day – but fear and insecurities still burbled away deep within her. People often said things they didn't mean, or changed their minds when put on the spot. Hell, no one could really say how they'd feel about something as life changing as this until it actually happened.

She was terrified. Not just of Jake's reaction, but the whole thing. The nine months – or however long there was left – of changes to her body, then the trauma at the end. And then the next thirty years raising a child and doing your best to ensure they turned out to be a well-adjusted, fully functioning contributor to society. And happy. She wouldn't care what direction the kid wanted to go in as long as he or she was happy. She would make sure they knew that that was what mattered.

God, what if there was something physically or mentally wrong with him or her? The fear flared up in her again and she struggled for breath. Would she have one of those tests to see if there was anything wrong before the birth? Would she ever have the nerve to terminate?

Oh, God, there's so much to think about.

She came to a halt beside the ute, a little way away from where she knew the tractor would need to get access to the truck to fill up. She put the handbrake on and turned off the key. Her heart was racing. At least she had Jake to share the load with. Hopefully he would be happy about it.

Of course he'd be happy about it. They were committed,
engaged,
for goodness sake. It wasn't as if they'd had a one-night
stand. And he definitely wanted kids. She knew that. So what was her problem? Was this irrationality down to hormones? Perhaps all the worrying about Barbara and David was affecting her.

Emily leant back against the headrest, closed her eyes, and focussed on breathing slowly and deeply, and enjoying the warmth of the sun through the window.
It will all work itself out for the best,
she told herself, and repeated the words over and over in her head.

Finally the throaty tone of the tractor's huge diesel engine became much closer and she opened her eyes. She watched Jake making his way along the fence line to her left. At last he was level with the gateway and lining up to start his second lap. The roar turned into a burble as he put the tractor into neutral and left it idling.

Emily watched as the door on the far side opened, Jake's figure disappeared from the cab, and the door closed again. She got out and began walking in his direction. And then he appeared, in practically a run, new Akubra in hand and the bottom of his oilskin jacket flowing out behind him. She stopped in her tracks as she watched possibly the most handsome man she'd ever set eyes on – her man, the father of her child – coming towards her. Her heart flip-flopped and her emotions surged. Grace bounded off to greet him, the white tip of her tail bouncing up and down above her.

Jake patted Grace, and then moved on and swept Emily off her feet and into his arms, taking her so by surprise that she let out a little gasp.

‘I'm so glad to see you,' he said, spinning her around. ‘What a lovely surprise. I wasn't expecting a visit.' Then he set her down and scrutinised her features. ‘How are you feeling?' he asked, touching her face gently with the tips of his fingers. ‘Did you go and see a doctor?'

Emily nodded.

‘Well? Is everything okay, or do I need to come home and look after you?'

Emily smiled softly and shook her head.

‘No, what? No, you're not okay or, no, I don't need to come home and look after you? What's going on?' His face became creased with worry.

‘I'm pregnant,' Emily said quietly.

‘Oh! Wow!' His face lit up. ‘That's great news. Well, it is to me. Are you okay with it? I know we hadn't exactly planned it?'

‘Guess I have to be,' she said with a shrug. ‘But we've got a lot going on,' she added with a bit of a grimace. ‘The timing's not exactly great.'
And I'm fucking terrified.

‘Well, I've always thought people worry too much about the timing of these things. I don't think you'd ever find the perfect time.'

‘So you're okay with this? Really?'

‘Of course. I think it's wonderful news. Seriously,' he said, looking intently into her eyes. ‘Oh, wow!' he said, picking her up again and holding her tight to him and kissing her. ‘Sorry, I'm probably crushing the little one,' he said, and carefully set her back down.

‘I'm not sure there's much there to crush yet,' Emily said.

‘So how far along are you?'

‘No idea. The doctor took some blood, and I've just done one of those pee-on-the-stick-test things. And that's all I know at this point.'

‘Oh, so the whole district already knows,' he said, grinning cheekily.

‘Thankfully I didn't have to go into the chemist to buy one! The doctor gave it to me. It seems they've figured out small country towns hold no privacy.'

‘Fancy that,' Jake said lightly. ‘So,' he continued, ‘did the pill fail? I thought it was meant to be ninety-nine percent effective.'

‘Probably is, if you remember to take it,' she said sheepishly.

‘Oh. Right.'

Emily explained where she might have gone wrong.

‘Oops,' Jake said, grinning.

She smiled back and let out a small sigh. All would be well. Jake was genuinely excited about it. His eyes were even sparkling.

‘So, are
you
okay with it?' he asked. ‘You don't exactly sound over the moon.'

‘I'm probably in a bit of shock. And, to be honest, I'm scared.'

‘Of what?'

‘Everything. Getting fat, being sliced open or ripped apart, never enjoying sex again, being a crap mother, not actually liking it.' Emily became breathless. She was getting a little hysterical, but couldn't stop. ‘I don't feel the least bit warm and fuzzy and maternal,' she wailed, tears spilling over. ‘What if I'm a terrible mother?'

‘Hey, don't cry,' he said, wrapping his arms around her. ‘You'll be fine. We'll work through it together. Like you said, it's a shock. That, and what's going on with Barbara and David is pretty traumatic.'

‘But what if I'm cold and horrible like my mum is with me?'

‘You're nothing like Enid, Emily. And there's more than one type of mother. I've had women friends who've said they never felt maternal. Some said they felt a rush of love when they held the baby for the first time, and others confessed to never feeling that way about their children at all, despite knowing that they would throw themselves in front of a truck to save them if they needed to. You feel what you feel, you can't control that. Don't beat yourself up. I'm sure Enid loves you in her own way. She might not have been the warm, demonstrative, loving mother you wanted, but I'm sure she would've done anything to protect you,' he said, smiling sympathetically and stroking her hair. ‘You
just be you and you'll do great. Anyway, there's plenty of time for you to get used to the idea. It's all very new. But I'm glad you felt you could be honest with me about how you're feeling,' he added, looking deeply into her face. ‘I love you, Emily. We can get through anything together if we keep talking. Just remember that.'

‘I know. Thanks, Jake. I love you too,' she said, wiping her tears away. She felt much better. Gran was so right when she said that a problem shared was a problem halved. She wasn't alone; she had to remember that. ‘So how are things going here?'

‘Well, I had to fill everything up, so I've only just started. I got a call from Bob. He'll be here tonight. I think they're going to put together a roster around their own work – all chip in a few hours here and there.'

‘It's a pity I can't drive a tractor,' Emily said, glancing across at David's larger John Deere parked nearby.

‘I'm sure you
can,
you just haven't tried,' Jake said.

‘Do you think you could teach me?' she asked. John had never given her the chance.

‘I'd love to, but I don't know enough myself. David taught me what gear and revs to use with this tractor. But his is bigger, so I'm sure it'll be different. Anyway, hopefully they'll be back very soon with tales of a false alarm and he'll be able to finish his own cropping,' Jake added, clearly attempting to sound upbeat.

‘So, you haven't heard anything?' Emily asked. She knew he would have said if he had, but she had to ask anyway.

‘No.'

After a pause that neither of them knew how to fill, Jake changed the subject. ‘I'd better get back to it,' he said with an apologetic grin.