Me Myself Milly (16 page)

Amy sniggered. I immediately snapped out of my daze.

What was Amy doing with my journal? She must have taken it from my bag which was on the floor between our chairs. She was holding up the turquoise notebook with the butterflies and flowers on
the cover. She was reading out my private journal.

‘Hey, that’s mine!’ I said, making a grab for it.

‘Girls!’ said Mrs Clark.

‘She’s got my . . . that’s my work.’

‘Is this Emily’s?’ said Mrs Clark. Amy was grinning like she’d done something really clever. ‘Give it back,’ sighed the teacher.

Amy made a face, threw the notebook onto the table in front of me and sat back down.

‘Right, perhaps you could have your turn now,’ Mrs Clark said to me.

‘I’m sorry,’ I told her, ‘I haven’t done it.’

‘Come along,’ said Mrs Clark as if I hadn’t said anything. ‘Stop holding everyone up.’

‘It was rubbish anyway,’ said Amy. ‘What was it anyhow?
The Day I Lost My Yoghurt
? No, don’t tell me – it was
The Day I Lost My Virginity
. To some
drunk, randy boys.’ The rest of the class were sniggering now, except Effy who looked worried.

I could feel the tears welling up but there was no way I was going to start crying. How dare
she
make fun of it. If only she knew! Glaring at Amy, I grabbed the journal from the table and
started reading.

We could do this without any help from the boys.

‘Archie,’ I said. ‘Just put one of your hands up so we can pull you out.’

Archie tried to look up at us and twisted slightly. He immediately slid a bit further into the sludge.

‘Archie! Don’t move!’ Lily yelled.

‘You told me to,’ wailed Archie.

‘Milly said to put your arm up. Just do it!’ Lily shouted.

Archie didn’t move. She was scaring him. If he put his right arm up I could grab him. If it was his left, Lily would get him. I decided I probably had a better hold than Lily because I
was lying down.

‘Archie,’ I said as calmly as I could, ‘lift your right arm.’

Archie didn’t move.

‘I don’t know which one that is,’ he said.

I tried to remember back to when I was seven. ‘Your right hand is the one you write with,’ I told him.

Archie raised his left arm. I’d forgotten – he was left- handed. His arms seemed impossibly short. Lily lunged forward and managed to grab a handful of his sleeve and she pulled
hard. The feeling must have given Archie courage because he raised his other arm and I got hold of his hand and yanked him up. I got a hold of his chest and shuffled backwards until we were both
lying on the top of the bank. I sat up. Archie’s feet were soaking wet and covered in a thick layer of black mud. He’d begun to cry.

I turned to Lily. ‘Have you seen the state of his feet? How are we going to . . .’ I stopped. Lily wasn’t there.

‘Milly, I slipped.’

Oh, great. Now we’d have to do it all over again, I thought as I peered over the side just in time to see Lily gently sliding down the bricks. At least she’s got wellies on I
thought as her feet hit the sludge. I expected her to come to a stop like Archie had, but she didn’t. She just carried on; she was a lot heavier than Archie and she’d been leaning
forward slightly. Her wellies disappeared beneath the surface.

‘Oh, yuk,’ she said, ‘this isn’t mud, it’s water!’

I could see now that the layer of leaves and mud and twigs wasn’t solid like I’d thought, it was just a covering on top of the water.

I sat on the edge and leaned over but I couldn’t reach Lily.

‘I’m coming down,’ I told her.

‘No, don’t! Don’t go in there.’ Archie was sobbing.

‘He’s right, don’t,’ said Lily. ‘He won’t be able to get us both out.’

Lily was up to her knees and still sinking. Her wellies must have filled with water by now and the added weight was pulling her in faster. She just kept going. I remember how slowly
everything seemed to be happening but it was so quick at the same time. One minute she was sliding and the next she was in up to her waist.

I turned round and started yelling at the wood. ‘Help!’ I yelled it three times. Nothing. No flash of blue, no sound at all. I turned back to Lily.

She was trying to turn round so she was facing the bricks. I suppose she thought she could get a better hold that way, but there was no hold on the slope and by the time she was facing me she
was in up to her armpits. She was trying to keep her arms out of the water but trying to reach forwards towards the slope at the same time. I could see the water soaking into the heavy wool of the
duffle coat, and all the time she was slipping further in.

‘Lily, take the rucksack off.’ My voice came out as a sob. This couldn’t be happening.

Lily tried shrugging the bag off but it was too tight. As she reached back to pull it off she disappeared under the water.

‘Archie, quick! Listen to me! I want you to run to the woods, as fast as you can, and get a big stick. Like a branch. And Archie,’ I added in desperation, ‘if you can find
those boys we saw on the bus, bring them back with you.’

Archie stared at me, his eyes wide and terrified.

‘Go!’ I yelled at him and he ran, slipping down the bank and stumbling over the long grass of the field.

Lily came up gasping. She had leaves and twigs stuck in her hair.

‘I . . . There’s mud on the bottom . . . except it’s not the bottom. Milly, I can’t . . .’ She went under again.

I started to move down the inside of the bowl. My trainers had a grip on the top part where the bricks were driest but they wouldn’t hold on the slimy part. Lily came back up.

‘Milly, don’t! Please.’

I hesitated. We stared at each other. I was crying but Lily looked strangely calm. There might have been tears on her face but I couldn’t be sure. A strand of wet hair was stuck to her
face. Our eyes were locked for what seemed like a lifetime. It was a lifetime; our lifetime, together. Then she was gone.

I waited for her to come back up. The sun came out from behind a cloud and a flock of rooks rose up. Their cawing filled my head. It sounded urgent and harsh.

I waited.

Nothing happened.

‘Lily!’ Could she hear me, under there? ‘Lily, please.’ In my head I was running into the woods, looking for Archie, telling him to hurry up, grabbing the branch off
him, running back. But I couldn’t move. I couldn’t take my eyes off the pond. Every second that passed I thought would be the one where Lily reappeared. I’d kill her. She was
playing a trick on me. It wasn’t funny.

On the surface of the pond the leaves and twigs that had been disturbed by Lily thrashing about were shifting back together, like nothing had ever happened.

‘Lily,’ I whispered. The sun disappeared behind a cloud.

I waited. She had to come back up. People didn’t drown like that. They got swept into the sea by giant waves or washed away by floods. They didn’t just sink into stagnant ponds.
Not when they were twins; one half of a whole. Not when their twin was sitting on the bank, waiting for them to come back up.

If she wouldn’t come up then I’d have to go down. She was probably waiting for me.

‘Lily, I’m coming,’ I said.

I swallowed and looked up briefly. Everyone was sitting very still and all eyes were fixed on me. But I couldn’t stop now.

‘Milly! I’m coming!’

Archie was racing across the field. He came panting up the bank.

‘I did what you said. I found the boys.’ I looked beyond him and saw the three boys from the bus coming out of the woods.

‘Come on. Quick!’ shouted Archie. The boys weren’t running but they walked a bit faster. The one in the blue hoodie was about five paces in front of the other two.

‘Where’s Lily?’ said Archie, looking around, like she might be hiding behind the brick box where we’d had lunch.

I was still staring at the surface of the pond. The boys came up the bank.

‘What’s the problem then?’ said one of them.

‘Lily fell in the pond,’ said Archie.

‘So where is she?’ That was the other one. He didn’t look too bright.

‘Is this some sort of joke?’ said the first one.

The boy in the blue hoodie was watching me. I think the fact that I was sitting there, like I was daydreaming or something was making them think there was nothing wrong. Blue Hoodie bent down
so I could see his face out of the corner of my eye.

‘Where’s your sister?’ he said.

I pointed.

‘How long?’

I shrugged. He was undoing his belt. He started asking the others if they were wearing belts. Only one of them was. He put the end of one belt through the buckle of the other and pulled on
them. The other two boys had caught on and I could hear them trying to decide what would be the best thing to do.

‘Josh, you’re the lightest, we’ll lower you down,’ said one of the boys to Blue Hoodie. Josh was taking his hoodie off. He turned to the dopey-looking boy. ‘Ring
the police.’

He wrapped the end of the belt round his wrist. The bigger of the other two boys lay on his front holding the other end. The other one got his mobile out and started tapping in the
number.

When Josh got to the bottom he started feeling around in the water. At first he resisted getting his feet wet, then he was in up to his knees. He felt further out. His arm was wet up to the
shoulder. He slid further in until there was no more belt left and the water was up to the top of his legs.

‘Can you feel anything?’ said his mate.

Josh didn’t reply, he just kept on trying; reaching out under the water with his spare arm. His friend shuffled forwards, leaning over the side until only his legs were on the
bank.

‘Here, Charlie, sit on my legs,’ he shouted at the third boy. Charlie was trying to explain to the person on the other end of the phone where we were but he sat down, pinning the
big lad’s legs to the ground. Josh was up to his waist now and still trying to find Lily under the surface. He kept trying for half an hour before the police turned up and pulled him out.
They prised the belt away from his swollen hand.

I couldn’t move. It was like my whole body had just stopped working. I could feel my heart beating in my chest,I could hear it pulsing in my ears. Josh came over and put his blue hoodie
round my shoulders. Then I heard him talking to a policeman.

‘We saw them come in here. I was worried, it’s no place for kids, so instead of getting the bus we came in here to check on them. The little boy found us; told us what had
happened . . . If only we hadn’t gone to the pub . . .’

I was led away by a policewoman. I wanted to stay. I wanted to be there for Lily, she’d need me. But my jaw wouldn’t work. My mouth was clamped shut and I couldn’t think of
the right words to say anyway.

We crossed the field. Archie was holding my hand and I could hear a helicopter. We went through the woods, round the fallen-down tree and through the rusty gate that was now standing open.
There was a fire engine in the road and I wondered why. They put me in an ambulance.

I didn’t see the boys again until the inquest. I never saw Lily again. I wanted to go with Mum when she went to identify her, but Mum said I mustn’t. She said it was best if I
remembered Lily how she was: before.

The bell rang. I glanced up briefly and was met by a wall of shocked faces.

I looked at Mrs Clark. She was staring at the top of her desk as if it was the most interesting thing in the world. Her cheeks looked damp. Well, that would teach her to set stupid homework.

Amy was examining her fingernails and was the only person in the room, apart from Mrs Clark, who wasn’t staring at me. I looked at Effy. She looked right back and I saw it. Pity. Right
there in her eyes.

I ran.

I ran down the corridor and into the nearest loo and locked myself in the cubicle. I was still clutching my journal.

I started crying. I was crying because I’d just ruined Emily. I’d shown everyone Milly and now when they looked at me they wouldn’t see Emily any more, they’d see half a
twin.

Once I’d started crying I couldn’t stop and then I was crying because I missed Lily. I missed Lily so much it hurt. When people talk about heartache they’re not wrong. My heart
was aching, literally. I curled myself up around it.

Girls came into the toilets and stood around the mirrors putting make-up on. I stuffed my fist into my mouth and waited for them to go. When it was quiet I took my hand away and let the rasping
sobs come. I hated Mrs Clark for being such a fool. No experienced teacher would have set that homework. I hated Amy for being such a cow and goading me into reading the journal. I hated Lily for
not trying harder to get out and for leaving me. But most of all I hated myself.