Me, Myself and Why? (25 page)

Wow, it felt good to swear.

When Jeremy rose and slugged me, it felt not nearly so good. But I was smiling, because I knew who was

Chapter Ninety

Coming to a fistfight near you!

Saturday

Saturday!

SATURDAY!

She takes a punch!

She doesn’t

(ever)

go down!

Ladies and

Fuck the gentlemen

Let me introduce to you our contestants this evening.

In this corner

And that one

And the other one

We have our challengers

Some truly fucked-up

(geese)

motherfuckers who can’t stop killing
and apparently can only count                       
To three.   

(Boooooooooo!)
    (Hisssssssss!)

AAAAAAAAND in this corner—

The reeeeeeeeigning champion!

(Raaaahhhh!)
    (Yeeeeaaaa!)

The Super-Fed with the Triple Head!

The Lone Detective with All Perspective!

The Power Saw Who Plays the Law

AND SMACKS Y-Y-YOUR
    LOWER J J-JAW
    F F-FREAK
    (Sleep tight.)

AAAAAAAAAAADRIEEEEEEEEEEENE

(Yo Adri-enne!)
        

JOOOOOONES

That woman looks scared over there.

She must be

(a goose?)
    (my daughter?)
    (the guy under the lawn mower?)
    MY NEXT VICTIM

Come here lady don’t run away, don’t run away from the lawn mower, there’s no point, it will catch you and slice you like a goose

You’ll be cooked

Oh stop running away this is pathetic

This is boring

WOW that hurt

What was that guy behind me swinging?

Some

Kind

Of

Lawn mower?

Nope. Just his fists.

Okay. Let’s stick with this one. Let the woman go

POWWWWWWWWWW that hurt

This guy is a house.

WHAM POW TAKE THAT KABLAM AND THAT SNAP-DAP RAPPADAP FLOAT LIKE A BUTTERFLY STING LIKE A

Why won’t he GO DOWN

POWWWWWWWWW that hurt too.

Getting nowhere.

Getting

(scared?)

bored.

Sister, come take care of this one.

Chapter Ninety-one

I cannot say I was completely thrilled when Adrienne turned things over to me. Granted, she had knocked Jeremy unconscious and chased Tracy out of the room altogether. But this still left Opus, who was very large, very strong . . .

. . . and not even dented by what Adrienne had thrown at him.

I ducked in time to miss the latest blow. What would probably “bore” Adrienne would no doubt knock me out. I was not going to win a slugging match with this man. No, the best I could hope for was . . .

“Pam, get me out of these fucking cuffs!”

George was awake again, flopping like an outraged trout.

“Damn it, Pam, why’d they let
you
go and not me! It’s not fair! Get a cuff key from Shiro here and let me out. No, Pam—don’t leave me in here with them! I can’t defend—Pam! FUCKING PAJAMA-WEARING SLUT!”

I was glad to see Pam escape from the room. She would be bright enough to call for help.

So we would play the waiting game.

And the best one to get Opus to wait was

Chapter Ninety-two

“Cadence?”

I looked at Opus, this bear of a man with his fist still held up in the air, who recognized me the moment I showed up. I didn’t have to say or do anything: he knew me. He could count the pieces of me and add them together faster than he could a carton of nails. It broke my heart.

“Oh, Opus . . .”

He lowered his fist. “You’re not going to help us.”

“I’m sorry, Opus.”

“No. You aren’t.”

“I am, though. It’s too bad we three can’t live happily ever after with you three. I guess the complete arrogance of assuming I’d leap at the chance to get two lovers and a new best friend isn’t a big deal, huh?”

Opus said nothing.

“I’m not the one who can help you, anyway. It’s going to have to be someone else.”

“There is no one else. No one else to help. We asked for help we ASKED for help but that’s when they said no. They said no, Cadence. They said no and the killing started. That started the killing and I’m TIRED of the killing, Cadence. There’s no one to stop it. Stop it, Cadence, stop it!”

How about if you stop shouting, Opus, how about that?

He put his huge, meaty hands over his ears, dropped to his knees, and began to scream.

I did the only thing I knew how to do. I rushed to him and held him.

(Hey, if my sisters had wanted a more decisive solution, they should have stuck around.)

We stayed like that for some time—I don’t know how long, really—until I heard my boss’s voice behind me.

“Cadence. Step away from him.”

I turned my head and saw Michaela, backed up by every agent and security guard we had—something like two dozen altogether.

I looked around the room. Jeremy was gone. George was still cuffed, but had rolled under the table and stopped speaking. His face was turned away from everyone. He was humiliated and quiet. Nothing had gone right for him here. I almost felt bad for him.

Not as bad as I felt for Opus, though.

“He’s surrendering peacefully,” I reminded Michaela. I felt this might be necessary, as she was brandishing a butcher’s knife.

Opus whimpered and hung his head. His beefy arms flopped uselessly at his sides. Even if he could take on the entirety of BOFFO—and I didn’t doubt he could give us a run for our money—there was no fight left in him.

“Opus. Pam tells me you hurt her.”

“Brother told me. Brother told me to cuff everyone. Everyone in cuffs. Pam in cuffs. George in cuffs. Brother told me.”

“Where is Jeremy?” I asked.

Michaela kept her focus on Opus. “Your brother is gone, Opus. He has apparently fled the scene. So has your sister. Do you understand, Opus? They’ve
left you behind
. They’ve left you. They made you hurt Pam and they left you.”

“They wouldn’t leave me! Sister has a plan. Sister always has a plan. She says it’ll be okay. We’ll be with Agent Jones soon. She’ll be with Shiro. Brother’ll be with Adrienne. I’ll be with Cadence. Sister has a plan. It’ll be okay. Cadence is here. Tell her, Cadence.”

“I’m here, Opus.” I didn’t see the point of breaking his heart further.

Apparently, Michaela was not on the same tender page I was on. “Cadence has nothing more to say to you, Opus. You hurt her friend Pam. Do you know where Pam is right now, Opus? Can you guess?”

He kept staring at the floor. “Pam in the nice clean pajamas. Likes the floor to be superclean. Sleeps on the superclean floor. Clean floor means a clean sleeping bag. Clean sleeping bag means clean pajamas. Clean pajamas means clean Pam. Clean Pam means safe Pam. Pam stays in the office. Things are clean. Floor is clean.”

“Yes, well, right now Pam is huddled on the very clean floor immediately under her desk, and she will not come out for anyone. Not even me. She keeps whispering into her cell phone. She called me, you see, and got me here. But now that I’m here, she still doesn’t feel safe. She’s still whispering into that phone. It’s the only thing she’ll talk to. Even if I get under the desk with her, she won’t acknowledge me.”

Michaela stepped forward, and I realized I had to get out of the way. NOW.

Before Opus could react, she had the knife in his groin. He screamed for half a second, and then the blade had cut his throat.

He slumped to the floor, thudding like a gorilla carcass.

Michaela walked away. The agents dispersed. Someone came in and dragged George away. I stayed at Opus’s side and wept as his blood seeped into the cheap gray

Chapter Ninety-three

Carpet was getting wet. I did not intend to stay long.

“Opus,” I said, slapping him on the cheek. His eyes were still open, and his pupils rolled slightly to take me in. He had no more than five or six seconds left.

“Cadence forgives you,” I told him. “But I do not. And I will hunt down your sister, and your brother. Because they are murderers. Just like you.”

He tried to say something, but he died instead.

Epilogue: The First

So Opus died, and the others fled. I guess what surprised me most, though, was that I didn’t hate them. Don’t get me wrong, I wanted to catch them—and would, darn it. Oh yes, you betcha.

But as frightening as they were, they were pitiable as well. At least I was coming to understand the causes and complications of my multiple personality disorder, and even that had taken over two decades for me to even begin to face.

The triplets had never had a chance.

Patrick is indeed hanging around, putting truth to Cathie’s fears. He’s still house hunting and we’re having dinner tomorrow. At least, I think we are. I intend to keep my clothes on this time; but who knows?

Shiro or Adrienne might crash that party, and for the first time in my life, the thought doesn’t fill me with horrified embarrassment. They’re just as much a part of me as my hair and eye color. They look after me like my mother tried to—and I’m not going to disrespect that, or them.

But I swear. I swear on—on—on whatever. If Shiro sticks
one more cigarette
into my mouth . . .

Well. I guess some threats are best left vague.

Epilogue: The Second

Some threats are best left vague? That sounds like a complete lack of imagination to me—not to mention a lack of commitment.

And as a matter of fact, Patrick has asked
me
out for breakfast tomorrow. Cadence might pretend not to mind if I crash her party—but I will certainly mind if she crashes mine.

I am dismayed about Opus. Cadence has it right when she figures the triplets had never had a chance. And she is right when she realizes that
we
had. Those who ignore history are condemned to repeat it—and as far as I am concerned, my sisters and I do not plan to repeat anything.

Do yourselves a favor, Tracy and Jeremy.

Stay lost.

Epilogue: The Third

First comes the Opus

And then comes the

First comes the Tracy

And then comes the

Stutter, then comes the stuttering screams,
all stuttering screams

(he misses his Opus)

then comes the screams, and

The wheels on the bus go round and round,
Round and round,
Patrick’s so brave.
I just want to see,
I just want to look at him

(and save him he is so silly he

thinks I I I need saving! Ha! Ha-ha!
Silly Pillsbury Doughboy!)

And I just want to hurt

Make them bleed

Tracy and Jeremy hurt

They hurt everyone

Their love is poison and we are the flowers

They try to kill

Kill with their love

The garden is not safe was never ever safe the

flowers are dying and here come the geese.
Allll daaaaay lonnnnng.

They had better they had better they
  They should they should
  Stay away.
  and disappear,
  Disappear
  Disappear

Good-bye, Opus! You shouldn’t have
Shouldn’t have
You should have left Cadence alone.

You should have left us alone.

How do you like being alone? Are you cold in the earth, Opus? Is it wet down there, and damp, and muddy?

Yes yes!

It is.

Warned you.

Won’t warn you again. Do you want company down there in the dark, Opus? Do you do you

Do you?

Make them keep away. Make them. Make them.

Or I will

I will

IIIIIIIII will.

And you won’t be lonesome

And you won’t be cold

But you’ll be dead like Mommy dead like Daddy